A Successful Marriage: The Missing Link

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By Pure Matrimony -

Source : yasminmogahed.com
By Yasmin Mogahed

“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Qur’an, 30:21)

We’ve all read this verse on countless marriage announcements. But how many have actualized it? How many of our marriages really embody that love and mercy described by Allah? What is going wrong when so many of our marriages are ending in divorce?

According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple. In his book, Eggerichs explains that extensive research has found that a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love. He describes what he calls the “crazy cycle”—the pattern of argumentation that results when the wife does not show respect and the husband does not show love. He explains how the two reinforce and cause one another. In other words, when a wife feels that her husband is acting unloving, she often reacts with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband act even more unloving.

Eggerichs argues that the solution to the “crazy cycle” is for the wife to show unconditional respect to her husband and for the husband to show unconditional love to his wife. This means that a wife should not say that first her husband must be loving before she will show him respect. By doing so, she will only bring about more unloving behavior. And a husband should not say that first his wife must be respectful before he will show her love. By doing so, he will only bring about more disrespectful behavior. The two must be unconditional.

When I reflected on this concept, I realized that looking at the Qur’an and prophetic wisdom, there are no two concepts more stressed with regards to the marital relationship.

To men, the Prophet ﷺ said,
“Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain arched, so take good care of women.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

He has further stressed: “The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” (Al-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ has also said, “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

Allah says:
“…Live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (Qur’an, 4:19)

In these jewels of wisdom, men are urged to be kind and loving towards their wives. Moreover, they are urged to overlook their wife’s faults when showing that kindness and love.

On the other hand, when addressing the wife, the focus is different. Why are women not told again and again to be kind and loving towards their husbands? Perhaps it is because unconditional love already comes naturally to women. Few men complain that their wives do not love them. But many complain that their wives do not respect them. And it is this sentiment which is most stressed in the Qur’an and sunnah, with regards to wives.

Respect can be manifest in a number of ways. One of the most important ways to show respect is the respect of one’s wishes. When someone says, “I respect your advice,” they mean “I will follow your advice.” Respecting a leader, means doing what they say. Respecting our parents means not going against their wishes. And respecting one’s husband means respecting his wishes.

The Prophet ﷺ has said: “When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: ‘Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.’” [At-Tirmidhi]

Why are we as women told to respect and follow the wishes of our husbands? It is because men are given an extra degree of responsibility. Allah says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means . . .” (Qur’an, 4:34)

But won’t this unconditional respect towards one’s husband put us, as women, in a weak, submissive position? Won’t we set ourselves up to be taken advantage of and abused? Quite the contrary. The Quran, the prophetic example, and even contemporary research have proven the exact opposite. The more respect a woman shows her husband, the more love and kindness he will show her. And in fact, the more disrespect she shows, the more harsh and unloving he becomes.

Similarly, a man may question why he should show kindness and love towards even a disrespectful wife. To answer this question, one only needs to look at the example of Omar Ibn ul-Khattab. When a man came to Omar (who was Khalifah at the time) to complain of his wife, he heard Omar’s own wife yelling at him. While the man turned to leave, Omar called him back. The man told Omar that he had come to complain of the same problem that Omar himself had. To this Omar replied that his wife tolerated him, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, made him comfortable, and took care of his children. If she did all of this for him, how could he not tolerate her when she raised her voice?

This story provides a beautiful example for all of us—not only for the men. This story is a priceless illustration of tolerance and patience, which is essential for any successful marriage. Moreover, consider the reward in the hereafter for those who show patience: Allah says, “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” (Qur’an, 39:10)
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Source : yasminmogahed.com

9 Comments to A Successful Marriage: The Missing Link

  1. I think that the basic in marital relationship is respect, love, confidence and patience, and the essential to success this relationship is to follow what is recomended in Quran an Sunna. May allah guide us to the straight way.

  2. ACTUALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE HOLY MARRIAGE AS REGARDED AS ONE HALF OF FAITH IS TRUST IF ONE TRUSTS ONE’S SPOUSE WITH ALMIGHTY AS THE WITNESS ALL WILL BE FINE AND WELL BE IT FAMILY, HAPPINESS, PEACE, TRANQUILITY, PATIENCE, PERSEVERANCE, U NAME IT AND IT WILL BE BOUNTIFUL BY ALLAH’S GRACE AND BLESSINGS…….

  3. well , how beautyfully are quran has described this relation of husband and wife and i will try to practice for the future 🙂

  4. my mom respect my dad . she never disobey him . in every circumstances she’d say yes, yes and yes . but my dad didnt show much love to her and being ignorance. my mom cried a lot . :”( she suffered . whoever reading this , pray for my parents :”( , Allah bless you .

  5. Abdulrahman Ogedengbe

    Assalamu alaikum sister sarah,dont say ur mom is suffering,in fact she is preparing her place in d paradise Insha Allah. So give her d glad tiding that d Messenger (SAW) of Allah was reported to have syd; “if a woman prayed her five daily prayers, fasted her month, protected her chastity and obeyed her husband,she will be told,’Enter Paradise from any of its doors you wish”. May Allah increase her in patience,perseverance and make her feet firm in d deen.

  6. Jazak Allah khair sister Yasmin for reminding us of these important ahadeeth. I have a lot of respect for your writing and your public role. Nonetheless, perhaps you’ll consider that the missing link may in fact be unconditional love of Allah rather than unconditional love or respect of one’s spouse. I appreciate the link you made between Dr. Eggerich’s ideas and Islamic sources of knowledge, but I don’t see how we can have unconditional love for any created thing. Even Allah does not have unconditional love for created things, including us. If we trangress His limits, which are far-reaching and allow plenty of room for mistakes for which we may be forgiven, He does not love or respect us. Similarly, if a spouse trangresses his/her limits, which too are far-reaching and allow plenty of room for mistakes for which one should be forgiven, the other spouse may not maintain love or respect–unless one is strong enough to love and respect purely for the sake of Allah, out of unconditional love for Allah and acceptance of whatever circumstances and trials Allah has written for us. Yet, that said, there is a specific case in which Allah forbids a wife to obey her spouse (or a child to obey his/her parent or a citizen to obey his/her leader) which all wives (and children and citizens) should be aware of, and that is in the case that the one with responsibility violates his/her relationship with Allah by ordering one under his/her charge to trangress Allah’s limits, for example to abandon salat. With that in mind, spouses should be well-educated as to their rights, responsibilities and limits set by Allah and then in sha Allah love and/or respect their spouse out of unconditional love and respect for Allah. Otherwise, many wives end up with bullying husbands and become in turn bullying mothers of children who in turn become bullied citizens. May Allah ease the way of the believers along the straight path.

  7. I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme.
    Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?
    Plz respond as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. appreciate it

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