Advice to the Daughter-in Law

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By Pure Matrimony -

We often hear of problems that occur between women and their mothers in-law. There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, are:

Lack of respect: Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony will engulf them. Islaam has commanded the young to show respect towards their elders, and thus, respecting one’s mother in-law is a must. This is due to the fact that not only is she an elder, but also because she was the reason for the daughter in-law’s husband being present in this world, as it was her who delivered him.

The daughter in-law must realise that she will eventually become a mother, and if it is of a son, then he will eventually marry, and she will therefore become a mother in-law who would long for respect from her daughter in-law. ‘Amr ibn Shuayb narrated on the authority of his father that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “He is not one of us who shows no mercy to (our) younger ones, and does not acknowledge the honour due to our elders.”

Expressing enmity: There is another type of daughter in-law who deals with her mother in-law, from day one, as if she is her worst enemy. This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother, the society and the media gave her regarding her future mother in-law before she got married.

Based on this, the wife would exert all efforts to make her husband hate his mother and brothers and sisters; she may even invent events that never took place, or exaggerate in relating ones that did; she may frequently make false accusations about her husband’s mother and brothers and sisters until she succeeds in forcing him to leave his mother’s house and live with her, alone.

Such a life is a poisoned one, and one which contains many problems. Haarithah ibn Wahb reported: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah saying, “Shall I not inform you about the inmates of Hell? They are every violent, disrespectful and proud person.”

The husband returns from work to see his evil wife crying, so he asks her why, but she only continues crying, so that she will attain the best effect. The husband insists on knowing why, so the wife finally answers, in a very disrespectful tone, “It is either me or your mother in this house!” The husband wants to know what the problem is, “What happened?” he asks, but she begins crying again; the husband asks again, “Please explain to me what happened.” Finally, the wife says, “Your mother bad-mouthed me, and then your sisters gathered around me and insulted me.” Due to the husband being enslaved to his wife, he is enraged, and without even bothering to ascertain if his wife’s statement is true, he goes off in a storm, and screams at his mother and sisters; he forgets the rank of his mother, and that Allaah parallels respect of her to Islaamic monotheism when He says (what means), “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as]: ‘uff‘ [i.e., an expression of disapproval or irritation] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'”

The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “The pleasure of Allaah is in pleasing one’s parents, and His wrath is in displeasing them.”

Severing ties: Some daughters in-law sever ties with their mothers in-law and never visit, or even have anything to do with them. Such daughters in-law ruin their relationships with their mothers in-law. The mother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter in-law would treat her as a mother; she would not like to be given the cold shoulder.

In some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil, but she may be unaware of some of the etiquettes of how to deal with her mother in-law. The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother in-law causes her husband to abandon his mother and sever his ties with her; thus, such a wife becomes the reason behind his undutifulness towards his mother.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said,”Allaah created all (His) creation, and when He finished the task of His creation, Ar-Rahm (i.e., ties with kinfolk) said: `(O Allaah)! At this place I seek refuge with You from my ties being severed.’ Allaah replied: `Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?’ It said: `I am satisfied.’ So Allaah said, `Then this is yours.’ This is to inform us that Allaah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into the protection of Allaah will certainly never be forsaken.”4

Abu  Hurayrah (may Allah  be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! – He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his lifetime, but he does not enter Paradise (by being dutiful to them).”

On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the part of the mother in-law herself, such as: Being harsh with the daughter in-law: Some mothers in-law are very harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to treat their wives badly. Abu Hurayrah reported, “I heard Abu Al-Qaasim (i.e., the Prophet) say: “The miserable one is the only one whose heart is deprived from mercy.”

Being jealous of the daughter in-law: Why do some mothers in-law love their sons while despising their daughters in-law? Psychiatrists say that this results from jealousy. It is natural for women to be jealous, but added to this is the fact that the mother feels that this daughter in-law has shared her son with her and taken him away from her control; therefore, a competition arises. This is especially so if the mother’s only provider and supporter is this son, because his role could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of the household and being his mother’s protector, so the mother would feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law.

Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her about any problem that might occur with the son, she would never support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife.

Sometimes, the wife could be doing all she can in order to please the mother in-law; she may speak kindly to her, give her gifts, and treat her with respect, but, the mother in-law would always be striving to create problems, as she feels that she would otherwise lose her son.

In this case a sister is advised to be patient and ask Allah (the Glorious, the Mighty) to ease her situation. She should be wise and forbearing and if possible consult her husband without causing ill-feelings in his heart for his mother.

 

Source: Saleeha Bhamjee, http://idealmuslimah.com/family/in-laws/128-bad-relationship-with-the-mothers-in-law-

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34 Comments to Advice to the Daughter-in Law

  1. assalaamu al aikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatu,

    What if the Mother-in-Law is the one who severs ties with the daughter-in-law?

  2. Wow, I read this and thank my Allah for blessing me with a wonderful mother and sisters in law, though I haven’t met all of my sisters in laws yet (my husband’s brothers’ wives) I speak to my husband’s sister and another sister in law (whom he lives with alone with his brother) on a regular basis and not only do I look at them as my own older sisters that I never had, but my very close friends as well, what I may not be able to speak to my husband about, I speak to them and ask them for advice on how to handle things with my husband because of course they know him much better and much longer than I. My mother in law is MashAllah also, from my current few but memorable encounters, a very kind lady and I thank my Allah for sending me not only a wonderful husband but also a wonderful family to go along with him. Reading this article just makes me realize all the more that even if at times I know in the future we may not always agree but as long as I keep my respect for them, they will always be as good to me as they are now 🙂

  3. Inshallah one dau my motherin law will like me x dats all i want from Allah x ill always try my upmost best from nw on and as bfre x im from outside da fmly suppose dats why x iv cried cuz all i want is to be not jus da wife of da son but a gud daughter in law a gud mum a gud wife a gud sistr in kaw and a best friend to my muminlaw to x i await. dat day in patience an prayer inshallah x

  4. Thank you for the insightful an much needed article. I appreciate your words of wisdom, however, I wonder why the focus is always on the daughter in laws to have good relationships with husband’s mothers, and not vice versa? I think more work needs to be done to ensure good relationships between husbands and their in laws. Too much emphasis is put on wives to make strides for the marriage, and while I believe that that is crucial, I would appreciate reading/hearing more from Islamic sources on how men can be better husbands.
    Thank you once again.

  5. My mother in law doesn’t get along with my mother, so she doesn’t like me because of that. Im and adult and I still have to ask my mother in law if I can go to certain places, I have never heard of such things..Im married to her in many ways, sometimes I feel as if my husband is only my good friend. Anytime I want to do something or go somewhere, he says I have to ask her mother and that is what she requests. Allah knows who will be gone from this world first, but if shes gone tommorrow, who will we ask?, she doesn’t think about it and that she will leave this world and her kids will be on their own, but she is too attached to this world and does not think about the akhira……

  6. Wow! This article is biased and one sided. Respect and love should be given from both sides to build a relationship and each party must understand the uniqueness of each relationship. We sow what we reap and what we do will eventually directly or indirectly affect us. Peace, love and respect and more importantly a non-biased opinion is required to ALL relationships so why should this one be any different.

  7. Bismillah .Alhamdulillah …..Mashaa Allah very nice article and very nice attempt…….i hope that .inshaa Allah every Muslim knows about the sayings of Prophet Muhammad SAWW that a person who do not treat elders with respect and who do not treat children with mercy ..He is not one of us ……..So the first and the foremost thing wihich we have to see that One person who is Muslim Alhamdulillah has to act upon the Quran n Sunnah by himself first as every one will b answereable of his /her own deeds …Allah subhana will not ask from us that tell me wat some other person so and so behaved with u in dunya??? …No …Second Allah subhana is the Best reward giving we have just to focus on the Reward which Allah subhana has promise for our Good deeds…..JannaH …n this worls is incomplte , its full of trials , it can not b fully happy World without sorrows …..its only Jannah which is everlasting …n Third WE shud not expect any thing from any person ..Infact we shud only have Trust n Hope from Allah subhana …..May Allah subhana keep us on th eright n righteous path ..Ameen

  8. If my mother in law is a pretender and all the things i do is not appreciated by her.If i dont call her for months she will never call to ask after me or my kids but she always talk with her son,is that fair? I belive she is treating like an outsider.

    • very true same is happening to me n am called the bad guy

      its not always abt the daughter inlaws being bad the mothers contribute alot

  9. i agree….:) both must b co-oprative …baliqis i knw such women who r doing this but u just ignore n try 2 finish it 4rm ur side..may ALLAH bless u…:)

  10. I am from an European country. I discovered and became Muslim by my choice. I left my country and my family to follow my husband very far from where i originally am. From the first moment i met with my new family in law, they mistreated me. May be i made mistakes because of our differences in culture and i was very young, but i was never arrogant. My knowledge of Islam was not as good as theirs but i achieved it all by my self, my reading. They discriminated me because i dint know as much as them. They still do even now after almost 11 years of me stay here. Even when i prayed, my mother in law would pas by me and tell me that my prayers were in vain because ALLAH wouldn’t accept them. I fasted, she will tell me the same, that it was useless that i was fasting because it would never be accepted.
    My parents in law are religious. They pray 5 times a day, fast, go to Haj etc.
    When i was pregnant with my second child, me and my husband were in financial difficulty, i reached my mother in law, for an advice and mostly just a good word that it will be OK because i have no family or relatives of my own here. She told me to pray that my child will die and hope that such thing happens. She also told me what to do to abort by my own.
    Is she still a good Muslim, because every time that she tells me that i am not a good mother nor a good Muslim, i always remember her advice to kill my son and all the bad she did to me?
    I am angry of all these years of frustration, and i pray To ALLAH to help me overcome my anger but as soon as she says such things again to me, i get again angry.
    What should i do?

    • How can they say like that? All your prayers and fasts will be accepted if u have read the kalima, believe in 1 Allah and his prophet. You converted right? Then it will be accepted in my opinion. They shouldnt say like that to ur child :/. Maybe they are jelous of u as like article said or dont like u cos u was non-muslim b4. But there is nothing to dislike in that.
      Pray to Allah for them and also seek forgiveness for if u have done anything wrong b4 converting and inshallah Allah will listen u:) Ask him for help infact he is the most forgiver and the compassionate one. I will also pray for you and all other sisters……
      One more thing, did u converted after marriage?

    • Its heart breaking reading your post, as a muslim convert myself i understand how it is to be treated badly by other muslims who feel superior to u. But the great thing is that when u study the quran and the hadith u will discover that they are wrong and they are inviting the wrath of Allah by their actions. Allah is our focus and pleasing him should be all you care about. Even though your mother in-law has been mean and unkind to u, be civil with her do not exchange insults with her, smile and be happy most of the time and it will make her wonder why u dont mind her meanness. But most of all pray for continued peace, luv and mercy between u and your husband because that is what will sustain your home. May Allah ease our burden .

    • it must’ve been a very hard years you had been through..i’m sorry for you..
      i think you should visit your family in Europe and try to repair your relationship between you and your non-Muslim family. They’re still your family even if they aren’t Muslim. Always remember what The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “The pleasure of Allah is in pleasing one’s parents, and His wrath is in displeasing them.” Try to please your own parents before you pleased another (your parents-in law) because they’re the reason why you existed.

  11. what if mother in law is creating mis understandings b/w u n ur partner n portraying u rong n becomes happy when ur husband insults u n treat badly. what shud such a girl do

  12. This is very biased and clearly written by a man who has no idea of the realities of life as a mother inlaw or daugther inlaw. There are stories in this article which are an incorrect description of what actually happens.

    I agree, where why is there so much focus on a daugther inlaw’s relationship with her husband’s mother? What about a man’s relationship with his inlaws? It seens that culture has taken precendent over religion.

  13. you have written a lot of truth n lovely hadith but i dislike this article.Alhamdulilah,i have a vry good relationship with my MIL.i love her a lot,she stands up for me n she is a freind.BUT i hate the undertone of this article.I know a lot of heartless mother in laws.ur article very clearly tilts favourably on one side.instead you coud have written about how a daughter inlaw should cope with the mother in law who doesnt come around and how she should be steadfast in her righteousness as our we are ultimately answerable to Allah for our deed.Surely u are aware that there are people who dont change and cause harm to our family life.Wat advice can you give for that??All we can do is be good and seek Allahs help.As islamic writer you should develop a unjudgemental attitude.And advice for both MIL and DIL should have been given in a tasteful manner.

    • Sister they have said only DIL to show
      mercy right? Its bcos no mother in
      laws is going to read this article. But i
      agree with u that both should
      understand each other. And not just
      youngers should respect elders but both should respect each other.

  14. im in the same situation where my mother in law is jealous and thinks im taking her son away from her, my father in law passed away 20 years ago and iv been married 6 years. she has told me in many occasionas that im taking her son away i have 2 kids and living in a cramped room because my husband doesnt want to leave his mother i have come to an understanding that his father isnt around and that his the ony provider for his mother (his got younger brothers too) iv said to him if it comes to a point where we have to move out ill gladly take your mum on board, but she seems to think im the bad one. it all comes down at the end of the day as to how they where treated as daughter in laws, my mother in law mver really had a mother in law she had a step mother in law who was very brutal towards her, she never had the love of a mother in law to actually understand what it feels like to love a daughter in law. no matter what sistuation we are with our mother in laws always remeber how you would treat your own mother and having respect for them.

  15. Sister they have said only DIL to show mercy right? Its bcos no mother in laws is going to read this article. But i agree with u that both should understand each other. And not just youngers should respect elders but both should respect each other. 🙂

  16. Asak,masha allah very nice article i really appreciate this one……..may Allah bless to all other daughter in lawzzzz….ameennnnnn

  17. Assalamu Alaikum
    i have some problem with my mother in law.i always respect her and always treat as my own mother..but i dont no why she dosent like me.she treat me as a servant…i work from morning to evening…she nvr allow me to pray salat timely.she doesnt like that i spend my time with my husband.she doesnt like my family person she always says that my family members are not her type..because we are nt very much reach like them…they dont like that anybody visit me from my family…my husband says that my mother and father must treat him royally nvr argu with him.
    they are giving me mental torchr and physical also by day night working in house. but i do patience everytime.
    but now i cant bcoz they always insult my parents…plz tell me what should i do in this situation.Allah Hafiz

    • i love this page, it makes me think that im not the only one with difficult issues, Allhamdulila i have been blessed with a wonderful husband who knows how to keep the balance between his mother and wife, yeh we have problems every now and then but what family doesnt, if it wasnt for my husband i dont think i wouldv been able to cope. to all mother in laws and daughter in laws please have respect for one and another, if you give sometime to understand eachother you will have the beautiful relationship that you never wouldv thought of having. be patient with one another, it takes time. inshallah allah will give both of you the sabar that u need.

  18. this advice is really good.. but only for those with problems and yet at the same time for those happy with their in laws and wish to improve their relationships.. My husband and in laws treat me alot better than my own parents do Alhamdulillah.. and i hope and pray it stays like that.. Although unlike every other daughter in law on this page I have only had 3 months with my mother in law and I realised I am blessed because my father in law and my husbands grandma love me to bits =) my husbands cousins however have tried to ruin my relationships by making faulse accusations on me and meddling in my family business when its got nothing to do with them.. i discussed the matter with my husband and he advised me to ignore them as it is them committing the sin of trying to ruin my family.. and yet when i tell my mother in law she stays quite because she knows it is her nieces whom are in the wrong but at the end if they carry on the way they are, who will my mother in law stand by? Me or her nieces? but although I am doubtful about the anser to that question I know my Husband, Father in law and husbands grandma are alwayz by my side.. 🙂

  19. Assalamalaikum….there are many cases..not just 1..in sm the DIL is the problem and in sm MIL is the problem but for me I find the words very true : “the enslaved husband” of the wife who cries and does her best to severe ties of her husband with his mother and sisters..This enslaved husband can always suspect his sisters for evry fault but never his wife because he is enslaved by his wife’s beauty and charm and becomes blind…blames and shows enmity to his sister who always love him inspite of his ‘enslavement’..he forgets the days of hardship and happiness that he happily shared with his sisters before his marriage….I hope my brother wake up and break this chain of hatred…(my poor enslaved brother)…….sm time the advice shd also be given to men as not becum slave but always judge with fair eyes….but the writers think this is not his mistake…having wife naturally makes him slave and there is nothing wrong with it…La haula wala Quwata illa billah

  20. It’s like mother in laws have set a status for themselves with almost 9 out of 10 marriages. It is really bad and I make dua that this changes or people change there mindsets of thinking. We do not have to hurt one another or another person. Its usually a reflection of the hurtful persons own inner emotion or torment that they ill treat the next. Astaghfirullaah. May Allah SWT place contentment in their hearts

  21. Asalam alaikum,

    It is surprising to come across this article now as I am going thru a crisis in my life caused by the difficult relationship with my mum in law. I understand that the daughter in laws could cause a problem by getting possessive about their husbands and trying to save them just for themselves while forgetting that their husband is a son first.

    I got married while telling myself that I need to remember that as well. But I know that my mum-law is getting very competitive and while I am her daughter’s age she is trying to compete with me in every single thing and now its getting disturbing. Now that I am trying to ignore all of those efforts she has became very aggressive by attacking me verbally and insulting me and my family conveniently when no one is around. This has really affected me and is now affecting my relationship with the rest of in laws and with my husband. I am scared for myself as now we have a child. I ask Allah for help and now I have started a mum-in law Journal where I write the abuse which I am hearing everyday from her. It is helpful.It helps me channel my anger and not to take it out on my poor husband. I have told him too about the situation but there is lil the poor guy could do. So I really turn to Allah and ask Him to help me in this situation.

  22. The Solution!!

    To the Writer/ Pure Matrimony,

    There is a solution to this problem! and that is the Husband must learn to keep the relationship between his mother and wife in a good and stable form. The best thing to do is for the husband to talk with his mother from the beginning and tell her how much he respects her, and try to clear any illusions she might have in the future, but mention the fact that she is his mother and her daughter in law will be his Wife! that he loves and respects both of them as much as they are supposed to be loved and respected because they are two different people taking two very distinct positions/roles/statuses in his life.

    The husband must obey his mother, and the daughter in law must obey her husband ONLY if what’s commanded does not harm the daughter in law. ONLY if it is ethical, and the wife must respect her mother in law, but should also be consulted to make sure she and her family is respected and treated well like a human being.

    Allah(swt) clearly describes it in the Quran:
    “O you who believe! obey Allah and obey the Messenger (Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم), and those of you (Muslims) who are in authority. (And) if you differ in anything amongst yourselves, refer it to Allah and His Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم), if you believe in Allah and in the Last Day. That is better and more suitable for final determination.” (4:14)

    “(58) And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do. ” (29:58)
    -So torturing his wife/daughter in law/ or any human being is unacceptable in islam, therefore if the husband keeps hurting his wife because his mother is telling him, then it would be associating others with Allah(swt) NOT following Allah(swt), astaghfirullah.

    To the wife, she must understand that her husband has other things to do rather than sit at home and solve arguments. She must understand that her mother in law will never be able to treat her as good like she is treating her mother in law, because her mother in law is OLD and she has more health/psychological problems to take care. So just like we take care of children when they’re young, we should also take care of our elders as it says in Quran that old people become as weak as children. The Daughter in law must have a lot of patience to begin with. The husband must also talk to his wife to explain his mothers situation. If he says it in a loving way, she will work harder to get more and more of his love. The husband must also understand that the way he treats his wife’s family members is how his wife should treat his mother/family. If he doesn’t like that type of treatment then he should start being nice to his wife’s family members.

    Sincerely,

    Sociologist 8)

  23. Bibi Faranaz Faugoo

    Asalamualaikum,

    Hi am Faranaz and i will get marid soon In Shaa Allah in December.
    And i want to know one thing, i really want to choose my kitchen items and some thing for my room and i told my fiance.My Mum in law passed away 2 years ago and i do not know her.
    Now My sister in law want to select all the thing that i need and i really do not want that. and by stressing like that my blood had drop down and i was ill and still on medication. In really want to live in a love and peace relationship but i want to chose my own thing. Every time i told my fiance i want something (which happen rarely) they will try to convince him that this is not good or the color does not suit.

    To be frank my fiancee really love me a lot and he try to be patience with us and it is me who has no back up every time.

    I want to be a good wife and a good sister in law.

    Please help me.

    Kruda Hafiz

  24. Salam,
    Now tht this has been brought up i want to know what can be done about one very irritating, jealous, obsessed mother in law, who cant stand me n is constantly backbiting abt me for 7 years now. All i could do is stay out of her way. I hear her talkin abt me almost everyday , shes someone who constantly loves gainin sympathy of anyone she gets by telling people tht no one gives a shit abt her. Is this my fault tht she never liked me in the first place , n slowly n gradually not a single member in my husbands family talk to me because of this image ruining habit of her? I have stopped talkin to her and stay in my portion cuz i have tried everythin i could in the previous years but she is so truely obsessed with wat i do, why i go out with her son, why we are happy, how many grocery packets we bring. She has convinced ppl around tht we are having a beautiful life while she is rotting, thou u can understand tht is not the case. I just dont stand her now…sorry to say..i just dont know how to solve this. Currently i am emotionally n mentally disturbed..i also have a 3 years old son.

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