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Author: Arjumand Adil
Sakina wanted the perfect match, the ideal guy, Mr. Awesome. She had heard her friends daydreaming about their Prince Charming.
“He will be charming, rich, a professional or a business tycoon, lovable, caring. He will spend all his spare time with his wife, shower her with pearls and rubies, perk things up with lavish and romantic candle lit dinners, followed by rides by the seashore. Oh! How wonderful life would be with such a guy.”
There are many girls like Sakina and her friends but being in search of a match myself, these qualities sounded just too incredible to me. Wait a second, I said to myself. There is just one problem. Not only are these qualities unrealistic but finding them would be next to impossible.
Being a striving Muslimah, I truly and genuinely want to marry my better half but instead of just dreaming of Mr. Right, I tried to figure out what my better half would really want from me. To be honest, my initial incentive was a selfish one, rather than completely based on piety. Yes, I wanted him to respect me, love me and treat me like a queen.
Many might think that my dreams are part of a wild goose chase but I am convinced that if I really try to bring in myself the qualities an ideal man would want in a wife and if I set out to find a good practicing Muslim, he will give me what I want from a husband, he surely will. Besides, I was confident and had tawwakkul in Allah and at times we forget that tawwakkul means that we strive and make dua, not just make dua and weep.
So there began my journey to transform myself, to bring about those much wanted qualities, firstly for the worldly benefit of being loved and respected by my husband and secondly, for the akhirah, as I wanted my husband to be a key to all the doors of Jannahfor me.
I started off by reading books, attending workshops and seminars on marriage, along with some personal conversation with practicing sisters to figure out what the recipe of a happy marriage was and what a pious guy would want in a wife.
So here are the seven things I realized a Mrs. Right should have, to be eligible for a Mr. Right and I am sharing them with you:
1. Practice of Islam based on correct knowledge.
It had to be genuine, yes no bunking this class. There can be no way out of what Islam demands from a wife, no dumping religious duties, nothing of the sort. She has to submit to the will of Allah and for that she has to know what the position of a woman as a wife in Islam is. No matter what pure Islam is mistaken for; the male chauvinist theory, the subjugated wife and the like, it is all a concoction of our apologetic westernized mindset and every woman has to get rid of it through proper knowledge.
A Mr. Right would want a religious wife and not just a religious woman. Not just a niqabi, an alima or a hafiza, for what good would they be if they were just a facade without the dutifulness of a loving and affectionate wife. He wants a wife who will gain the knowledge of her deen for her own akhira, who will spread it among her family and the community around her.
2. Willingness to comply with him
He wants someone who will take differences with understanding; someone who will intelligently comply with him for the welfare of the family. Maybe this intelligence requires a little more explanation. A pious man wants that his wife obey him in the righteousness that he enjoins, without disobeying her Creator. Of course, she would have a choice in deciding many things but she may make conscious choices keeping in mind her husband’s and her family’s welfare. She has to be wise, and here comes the need for acquiring knowledge.
The Messenger (sallahu alaihi wa sallam) said:
“If a woman observes her five daily prayers, fasts during the month of Ramadhan, guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter Paradise through any of the gates she wishes.” (Ibn Hibban ~ Hadith Sahih)
3. Beautification and being available
This might sound a little superficial but one should not forget that however religious a person becomes he or she still can’t function and think out of his or her gender. Aren’t we psychologically vulnerable and more often emotional? Can we function out of the box, even for a little while? So there you go, guys need a girl who dresses up for them. They are our bread winners, they toil and tire themselves for the comforts we enjoy and it only takes few minutes to look good, transform oneself with fragrance and a chic outfit, so go for it gal.
Our Prophet (salalahu alaihi wasallam) said:
“ The best of women is that she please him when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders her and does not subject her person or money to what he dislikes.” (Ahmed, An Nisa’aee, Saheeh Al jami)
4. Loyalty and keeping secrets
Keeping secrets is probably the most important factor, which many women fail to score well at as they tend to share their thoughts more than men. But in case of husband wife relationship, if he tells you not to tell anyone something, that is serious and you have to seal your lips to the whole world. When matters of the home stay within it, it helps to keep love and solidarity going strong.
“… They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them”
Loyalty means she is by his side and he doesn’t fear losing her when a calamity strikes their marriage. Moreover, loyalty implies that he is searching for a girl who will stand by him through thick and thin, encouraging him to do good in every sphere of life. Don’t we know how Khadija (radiAllahu anha) stood by the Prophet in times of his persecution and lack of means?
Let’s get this one straight. Everyone needs respect, but men are more sensitive about it. They need a wife who will not raise her voice over his. No I don’t mean she has to be meek but she is rightfully giving him his place. She may disagree with him, try to have her say but should do so with love and respect. If you give him what he wants, he may give you what you want as means of appreciation. I think this is the soul of good relationship.
He is the one who runs the family, earns a living by bearing the intrusive weather on the road and psychological upheavals in the office. Besides that he is the one who is responsible and answerable to Allah (subhan wa tala) for educating his wife and family about deenand saving them from hell-fire. He deserves respect and peace from his spouse and then as a result should be expected to give her due respect as well.
You must have heard of the hadeeth, where we are allowed to lie or tell a white lie to make our spouse happy but wait a minute. It is to make our spouse happy not to fake our spouse into happiness. A wife has to be truthful and sincere about her practice of Islam, her relationship and anything connected to it.
7. A charitable and giving nature
Compassion in women is probably more celebrated than possessiveness in men. Though it could be an issue of debate, a man needs a woman to be caring and not too jealous. Off course jealousy comes with the package of femininity, but Islam is a religion of moderation and justification and that applies here as well. Mrs. Right is someone who cares and foregoes something she likes just to please her husband and Allah (subhan wa ta’la) as a result. Besides, a charitable and compassionate nature should also be visible with other human beings, reaching out and helping a needy soul. That is what a pious guy would love his wife to have.
Reading the above, most women may think that men want some kind of personal companion in a wife, some girl willing to stay at home only to cook, clean, dress to impress, and exist only to please him alone. The reality is, it is not so with all men, especially the truly God-fearing ones. I believe if a woman can channel her concerns and activities for akhirah in a truly realistic way and in harmony with her domestic duties, then she can become the queen of his heart as a blessing of Allah.
Remember sisters, marriage is a partnership and both spouses need to fulfill each other’s rights and their duties. We can make this partnership a great one by being a strong partner, who plays a positive role that strengthens the bond of marriage, with the grace of Allah.
My earnest advice to every Muslimah out there searching for a life partner is to ask themselves first what they should become to get what they want from a man and to search for a person who is a practicing and God fearing Muslim. Obviously what lies within the heart is known to Allah only but striving to know more about their prospective husband through his family, friends and neighbours might help in the decision making, inshaAllah.Istakhara plays a very important role at this stage of life and every girl must do istakharaabout her prospective husband in order to seek divine help.
True happiness is weaved intricately with the contentment of the heart. Remember you are choosing a person, not his degree, not his home, not his assets or his looks. Try to keep these demands as realistic as possible and chances are they can be met and your search may result in a success story, inshaAllah. Wishing all the Muslimaat out there a happy hubby hunt, and may he be the key to open all the doors of Jannah for you. Ameen.
….Where Practice Makes Perfect
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