Disrespecting Husband

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By Pure Matrimony -

Source : habibihalaqas.org
By Miriam Islam


Allah Swt, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, created the bonds of marriage as a permissible, enjoyable means of uniting two strangers to live with each other in love and peace. Theoretically this exists, but sadly the reality is that it isn’t always maintained and many Muslim marriages are breaking down.

Everyone is demanding their rights yet they fail to think from the other angle and neglect to fulfil rights of others. When a situation becomes very black and white people forget the essence of Islam; justice, forgiveness and humility. These qualities are lost in an argument and so a cold war ensues between husband and wife.

Keeping in line with rights, the greatest right of a woman is to be treated with kindness, but on the other hand the greatest right a husband has over the wife is Respect. Anger and displaying angry behaviour is a very disrespectful way of behaving with someone. Similarly provoking and angering the husband tantamount to disrespect. Marital breakdown is usually a consequence of anger and acting upon anger in hastiness.

In order for a wife to respect her husband she must first understand and avoid factors that anger him. Anger manifests itself in different ways but it tends to have a deeper underlying cause. A wife must try to decipher what the root cause of the anger is before any solutions can be reached. The following are a few reasons as to what can anger a husband, ranging from minor to major causes:

• Hunger – Hunger can make someone very irritable and short tempered. A husband expects food to be ready when he comes home from work. This may seem insignificant, but if this happens regularly then it might be an indication of his displeasure at his wife’s time management/ organisational skills and lack of consideration.

• Neglecting Children and household duties – A wife may have commitments elsewhere, eg. Work, dawah activities, personal hobbies. As a result children or managing the household is neglected. This indicates that your husband may be displeased with your priorities and may want you to reassess your commitments.

• Work/money problems – Finance can usually cause a huge strain on marriages, and the pressure of being the breadwinner can take its toll. However if the wife is oblivious to the husbands situation and spends endlessly then this means she doesn’t acknowledge his effort and is abusing his generosity. Alternately the husband may be having problems at work that he can’t discuss with his wife, leading to feelings of inadequacy and fear of redundancy.

• Family problem – He may be having problems with his own family which he can’t tell you about, but which affect him deeply. Being in the dark will only make you question and misunderstand and it may anger him at your lack of sensitivity.

• Mistreating someone he loves – You may not have showed good conduct or hurt someone who he loves and respects, such as his family members or close friends. Your words/actions may or may not have been intentional, but someone was hurt by it and informed your husband, thereby causing him hurt and anger.

• Hurting him with previous words/actions – Maybe you had said or did something quite a long time ago that really hurt him, but which he didn’t mention at the time. Consequently he had let the issue grow and took his anger randomly out on you at a later point.

• Making him feel inferior – You might be a very confident, successful person, who is good at multitasking. If you are arrogant in your approach then this will convey through your words/actions that you have no need for him or be undermining his authority. To him it may indicate your lack of gratefulness and recognition of his qualities and capabilities.

• Committed a sin/not doing Fard duties – You may be committing a grave sin that your husband may or may not be aware of, but punishment is such that it can indirectly affect your marriage, particularly if a woman is unchaste. Alternately you may not be doing your fard obligations e.g. salah, not observing proper hijab or engaging in unislamic activities, music, dance, etc.

• Socialising/going out too much – Your husband might dislike who you socialise with or that you socialise too often. He may think that you’re taking advantage of his leniency or that you’re never available when he wants you to be. This may result in neglecting him and the household. Husbands have a sense of gheerah (exclusivity/possessiveness) so he might feel this is infringed if you go out so often.

• Not fulfilling his desires – You may be not be fulfilling his desire properly or refusing to do so altogether. This can lead to frustration and anger, as well as a cause for him to look elsewhere.

• Not allowing him to spend sufficient time with children/family – You have a problem with him spending significant amounts of time with the children or you deny him access to children (if separate), or you dislike him spending time with his own family or someone else he is close to.

These are only a few suggestions, there are of course many more which are unique to each marriage. This is in no way suggesting that men are blameless in these scenarios, rather it is a step towards understanding why we blame them. Neither should women feel that it is biased towards men as it just presents one side, it is general advice for women as a whole to try and understand from the other angle. To present from the woman’s angle would have to be discussed as a separate issue.

Wives should bear the following advice in mind when trying to resolve a problem. Understand to the best of your ability what the problem is, accept where you have gone wrong even if it may be hard to. Have the most sincere of intentions to please Allah and your husband, do plenty of nafl (optional salat), and recite often and earnestly make dua that Allah swt gives you patience and understanding. Pray that Allah reunites your hearts and brings you closer. If ones husband is still angry, apart from seeking help, try reminding your husband of the following ayahs by either reciting it or placing somewhere respectable he would be able to frequently see it.

“And live with them (women) in a beautiful manner. If then you are displeased with them (then know) perhaps you dislike something. Wherein Allah has created abundant goodness in it”. (Surah An Nisa 4:19)

“Who repress anger…Who pardons men… Verily Allah loves Al-Muhsinun (the good doers) (Surah Al Imran 3:134)

I’d love to hear your views on this topic. Please post below! 🙂
Source : habibihalaqas.org

14 Comments to Disrespecting Husband

  1. Muhammad

    Alhamdulillah, this a very nice remainder to the Muslim Ummah, as Allah S.W.T says in the holy book, “Fa Zakkir Fa Inna Zikira Tanfa’ul Mu’uminun. Well written. Jazakillah bi Khair

  2. Anonymous Sister

    Thank you for the reminder.
    Very humbling and I have saved it to reference later!

  3. Yes, I was just gonna say that. Being a woman is very hard. It seems that it’s always the women with the faults or the cause of downfall in a marriage. There’s always more articles/lectures/books on how women are supposed to b behaving towards their husbands and hardly any books that tell men how to behave or the rights of women. It doesn’t seem fair.

  4. I agree with Marya’s comment above. There is definitely a heavy focus on the mistakes that wives makes as opposed to those made by husbands; it’s very easy, as a woman, to feel attacked by these sort of articles. I’ve read many of them (particularly on this site), and they tend to have a few similarities across the board.
    Firstly, the writer assumes some kind of all-encompassing knowledge of what men and women want from marriage – men’s primary demand is ‘respect’, women’s ‘kindness’. What makes you think that a woman doesn’t want a great deal of respect either, or a man kindness? I’m not married, but I know that if my husband didn’t respect me I don’t see how our marriage would work out… and I doubt our life together would run smoothly if I acted unkindly or inconsiderately towards him. These attributes are desirable from and to both parties!
    Secondly, one point in the article don’t sit well with me. Most are absolutely fair enough – such as how a wife should not anger her husband by committing sin, preventing him from spending enough time with the family, making him feel inferior (due to arrogance and not simply due to the fact that you might be as/more successful than him), hurting him, squandering his money and the like. What I can’t support is this idea that not fulfilling his desires will lead him to ‘look elsewhere’ and cheat – and that this would be the wife’s fault because she didn’t satisfy him?! There is NO excuse for cheating. The blame cannot be put on anyone other than those involved. In fact I find that sort of mentality – that blames women for pushing their husbands to cheat – genuinely appalling. Of course this goes both ways, and of course she should do her best to fulfil her husband’s needs (and vice versa), but it’s an injustice to her to say that it’s her fault if he is unfaithful.
    I understand that you addressed the issue of the one-sidedness of this article, which I can appreciate – however, I feel that in general there need to be more articles that try to present a more complete picture. I’ve developed a tendency to open articles such as this one with apprehension, as I know what I will find will essentially be blaming the woman for most problems in the marriage. But the author makes some valid points, so jazzakAllah khair for the article.

  5. salams

    RANT-i mean this in the most constructive of ways…husbands deserve respect but so do women. there are far too many articles published on this website sadly, highlighting “disrespectful wives” or “wives that disobey or anger the husband..” really now…how about reading about something different for a change. there are very good women in this world who are trapped in marriages whereby the husband does the exact opposite of what he is to do-care, love and RESPECT a woman. i think some of the content in this article do not apply to every woman i.e. not every man expects their wife to cook for them to keep them happy…that’s just plain old sexist. implying that women do these things (that are advised not to do as bolded above) is not islamic. i think the above content applies to both men and women, and one must not act uncivilized by implying otherwise. i hope i didnt offend anyone, rather i wanted to just express my thoughts as other commentators.


  6. Dear Husbands, You cannot disrespect your wife, over work her then expect her to put out…and wave your finger at her when you cheat saying “you pushed me to this” What about treating people as you would like to be treated? Your wife is not a camel…you cannot climb her when you see fit. How about for one day, you live in her shoes. Dealing with your moods, and your children, and your house…see how it feels. People should stop giving men a one way ticket out of taking responsibility for their actions..and hiding behind the phrase…”you know my husband…he has a temper”. A temper? Since when did having a temper excuse your actions? On the day of judgement are you going to stand in front of your Lord and say, “I had a temper”??? Only children have temper tantrums. And btw…I get angry when I’m hungry. And I’m a female. We need to remember that anger comes from the devil, and we SHOULD NOT give into it! Both MEN and WOMEN!!

  7. Dear Writer, excellent points.
    Dear readers, I assume some of you are not married or have not been so for a long time. I have been married for almost 10 years Alhamdolillah and while there were instances (more than one) where i felt my respect being trampled upon – i can say with ultimate guarantee that more times i was the one dishing out the disrespect. Instead of seeing the article as an attack, see it as advice and pick what you feel applies to your situation. what about the men?? well, consider this they arent so lucky that someone is giving them great advice on how to fix their akhirah. Yes its a matter of perspective, respect your husband not because he is Gods gift to mankind; rather because you are athankful servant of Allah. And do you think if you do something for Allah’s pleasure; He will leave you stranded. My dears, if you love Allah and if you love someone for Allah; Allah makes the creation love you. Is there a greater rewad.
    i see most sisters (especially those arent married) are very eager to stand up for their rights. Habibtis you cannot ask for better rights than what Allah has preserved for you. Allahu Akbar. If someone will not fulfill those, they will face severe punishment. Forget not, even our Prophet SAW asked the men to be best to their women in his final khutbah. Why must we force our rights down others’ throats. Fulfill their rights, expect a reward from Allah and Allah will fix your affairs. LOVE!

    • Subhan-Allah, Alhamdulillah… Sister Mariam thank you very much for a fair response to this article being a woman yourself! and for your advises to other young sisters here. Yes it may sound unfair to other sisters that they have to do a lot and still obey their hisband, hence they will not do it. But what they are forgetting here and you pointed that out is… It is Allah SWT who commanded women to do all that which is in that article and more. Nevertheless we men have a lot to do in return too as directed by Allah Ta’ala also our respected sisters should remember, we men are weak and need you support to bring out the best in us! That’s why men say she is my better half (if the man is blessed with one of course, I pray for all men to find such better half), so sisters please pay attention to be the better half than be the bitter half instead!


  8. mujahiedah safodien

    My father has disrespected my mother for the last 27years, I’m 25 and cnt remember a day that my father was nice to her for the full 12-24hrs! It hurts soooo much to see the way he shouts and swears at her, I feel the need to do something! I know they love eachother but he is soooo extremely rude, not only to her but to all of us! Every single day!he almost never has a smile on his face! My heart breaks for her! And this article doesn’t help much! He doesn’t know the concept of respect! I wish someone could help them! Allah knows best!

  9. Brother in islam

    Salam. Every time I see any information about how a wife should be towards her husband which I find to be very rear, I see a common thing where sisters jump on the back of such good advice and post comments saying ‘what about sisters’ in defence. There is no need for this as advice like this is not an attack on sisters. Every time I go Masjid (regularly) or click on a link or pick up a book I find that I’m always being taught how to be a good husband, how to be fair to my wife, how to be patient to with women as they are emotional creatures, how we are the leader s of our households therefore so much responsibility falls on us on how the family conducts them selves. A man does have it difficult and often is in situations where he is torn and does not know where to turn, and when he comes across information like this he sees hope that there is also guidance for sisters on how they should conduct them selves. You see if both spouses learn about their duties towards one another than it is a win win situation; however if one spouse only does this then it is a very difficult task, also it does not help when people dismiss such good advice sunnah – if this happened all to often that what is left of mankind, it would lead to disaster. When I hear information which I find difficult to swallow, I just take heed anyway because it is for the benefit of my family and myself, so rather than making it ‘ tit for tat’ please just take heed. There is plenty of information on do’s and don’ts for brothers. This is not an attack just kind advice. Salam

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