Everyone knows that Marital affairs are haram – but what about emotional affairs? What do you do when your spouse is emotionally investing in someone else instead of you?
How do you prevent this from happening, join with Sister Arfa and with sister Fathima Farooqi as they discuss why emotional affairs are more common than you think and why they’re more destructive than physical affairs the first place?
Dealing with Emotional Infidelity
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Arfa: Bismillah! Assalamu Alaikkum (wrb) and welcome to the family matter show. I’m your host Sis. Arfa Saira Iqbal, Head of Pure Matrimony and joining me today is Sis. Fathima Farooqi. She is my co-host and Insha Allah, we are going to be tackling the subject of Emotional Infidelity. This is a huge topic and I think especially in the Muslim world I don’t feel it is covered enough. So, let’s get started with the discussion Insha Allah, Assalamu Alaikkum (wrb) Sis. Fathima.
Fathima: Wa Alaikkum Salaam (wrb) Sis. Arfa. How are you?
Arfa: Alhamdulillah! I’m actually, really sort of nervous and excited covering this topic because I think that this is something a lot of people want to talk about it. But it’s almost like we don’t dare to touch the subject. So, I think this is a really good one. And I do feel that people need to be aware of the dangers of it.
Fathima: Yeah! Exactly, Sis. Arfa. And moreover, I think this is some kind of this, dirty little secrets people really don’t want to talk about or listen about, but then, they need to know what this is and what kind of implications this can have on their family life and everything on them as a person. So, what exactly is Emotional Infidelity, Sis. Arfa?
Arfa: Emotional Infidelity is really clustered having a connection with somebody of the opposite gender that should be really be having with your spouse. The reason why it is a cluster of emotional infidelity is because you are not having a physical relationship with somebody but you are having an emotional relationship with them.
So, if you have a husband and wife, for example, the husband, for example, does not get on with his wife for whatever reason, he may feel that he can’t talk to her, then he will go ahead and start speaking to perhaps a female colleague and start really sort of offloading on to her and before you know it will end up in love, even if they are not physically anything and it is all emotional and, emotional is very difficult to get that out of your head. Because you can be with someone for many years but if there is no emotional attachment you don’t feel like you are in love with them and you can continue to live with them without that person having a physical relationship.
But it is not the same thing, whereas if you got somebody who you are emotionally attached to, even though the man would nothing be physical, that person is ten times harder to let go off because you have emotionally invested in them and somebody who for example, you are married to and just have that physical relationship with so, it’s very (repeats) difficult subject to deal with because you are dealing with the matters of the heart, Subhanaallah, so, it’s a very difficult one. Yeah…
Fathima: Yeah! I think it will really be painful when it turns out (pauses) bad. So, how and why does it happen, Sis. Arfa?
Arfa: So, nine times out of ten, the biggest reason that I have seen is usually because they have not invested enough in their relationship with one another and that’s a sort of understanding that the grass is always green on the other side which is actually not the case. And, the number one root cause I find is because husband and wife have not actually taken the time to nurture their relationship, have not taken time invested into it. Just because you are married it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re gonna be madly in love with your spouse, it is something that requires constant work.
But, we have a corruption now, where everyone is so busy like really earning money, trying to.. you know put bread on the table, so much going on and so many distractions, it’s so easy to lose what you’ve got and then think, “Oh! I really feel disconnected with spouse and I’m not emotionally attached to them”. And then start to look for that emotional need elsewhere. Because, Allah (SWT) has created us with a hearts, and so, we are created with an innate desire to want to be emotionally appreciated and loved and respected and connected with somebody else. That’s why they call it a Soulmate having a Soulmate.
But the problem is, if you’re investing this time with somebody else rather than investing it in your spouse that’s where the problems occur and its very unfortunate because I do feel that in 90% of cases it is 100 % completely avoidable, you can prevent that from happening, simply by spending more quality time with your spouse.
Fathima: Exactly, Sis. Arfa! The big question is if you are not actually having a physical affair, is it still Haraam?
Arfa: Definitely, definitely. The idea here is that if you are mentally with somebody in our own head, you are basically; you are having an affair with them in your brain, may not be a physical thing. There is a hadeeth, Prophet SAWS said what leads to haraam is haraam…
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