One of the key things people often overlook when it comes to finding the right person for marriage is character and personality.
This oversight is one of the main reasons behind couples who can’t make their marriage work. A major cause of friction in a relationship is due to conflicts in personality.
Sadly, conflict in personality is one of the major reasons for divorce, with couples often citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as a reason for divorce and describing themselves as being like ‘chalk and cheese.’
What’s interesting is that few people seek to undertake the necessary steps for figuring out if someone is a good fit for you BEFORE they get married…
There are THREE things our deen teaches us about whether or not someone is right for us.
Firstly, Allah says in the Quran:
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
In this verse, Allah mentions that He SWT created mates from among yourselves – meaning that they are like-minded or compatible in nature. This gives us our first criteria for having the tranquillity we want in a relationship.
Compatibility is all about having the same vision and same outlook on life – so you want the same things out of life and are on the same page about how to live and raise kids etc.
Our other criteria come from this hadith:
The Prophet SAW said: “If someone comes to you whose religion and character pleases you, then marry him.” (Tirmidhi)
Specifically, this hadith is talking about piety or deen and character. So a person who is the right fit for you should fear Allah and be a righteous person, because even if they don’t love you, they will at least not abuse your rights.
What’s important to note is that the Prophet SAW made a distinction between character and religion because having religion is not enough on its own, but it’s the best place to start! This is because a person can be practising, but may have a bad character such as being overly harsh or stingy etc.
The last mention here is good character. But what exactly is good character?
The dictionary definition of character is as follows: The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
This specifically comes down to a person’s personality type and their values (these are the standards a person lives by).
It’s always best to think of a potential spouse as having to have all three elements of compatibility, piety and character in order to be an ideal match.
Interestingly, if a person seems compatible and has deen, but whose personality doesn’t match can create all kinds of problems.
When it comes to finding the right person, here’s what you need to keep in mind when it comes to personality:
- Personalities which clash will have a hard time surviving
- Psychologists have identified 16 different personality traits
- Your personality type will only ever match a handful of other types
- Marrying someone whose personality complements yours is a deeper level of compatibility!
- The deeper the compatibility, the stronger the relationship!
So for example, if someone is shy and introverted and doesn’t like going out, then this person might not like someone who is loud, extroverted and outgoing. A thoughtful person might not get on with someone who is abrasive.
So how do you figure out your personality type and how do you know which personality types would match yours?
A great place to start is with the Myers-Briggs Personality Match Test which is considered to be the gold standard in personality matching by psychologists.
By understanding what kind of personality type you are and who is the best fit with you, you’ll find it easier to avoid matching disasters in the future insha’Allah!