How to make your Wife happy

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By Pure Matrimony -

How to make your Wife happy ?

The following is a summary of the book “How to make your wife happy by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed.
Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
•    Begin with a good greeting.
•    Start with Assalamau ‘Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du’aa for her as well.
•    Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
•    Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
•    Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
•    Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
•    Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
Friendliness and Recreation
•    Spend time talking together.
•    Spread to her goods news.
•    Remember your good memories together.
Games and Distractions
•    Joking around & having a sense of humor.
•    Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
•    Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
•    Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
Assistance in the Household
•    Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
•    The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.
Consultation (Shurah)
•    Specifically in family matters.
•    Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
•    Studying her opinion carefully.
•    Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
•    Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
Visiting Others
•    Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
•    Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
•    Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
Conduct During Travel
•    Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
•    Ask her to pray for him.
•    Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
•    Give her enough money for what she might need.
•    Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
•    Return as soon as possible.
•    Bring her a gift!
•    Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
•    Take her with you if possible.
Financial Support
•    The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
•    He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
•    He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
•    Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
•    Always being clean and neat.
•    Put on perfume for her.
•    It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
•    Start with “Bismillah” and the authentic du’a.
•    Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
•    Begin with foreplay including words of love.
•    Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
•    Relax and joke around afterwards.
•    Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
•    Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
•    Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
•    Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
Guarding Privacy
Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
•    Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray “Qiyam-ul-Layl” (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku’ua).
•    Teach her what you know of the Qur’an and its tafseer.
•    Teach her “Dhikr” (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
•    Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
•    Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
•    Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
•    Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
•    Give them presents on special occasions.
•    Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
•    Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first. Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
(Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes:
•    The basics of Islam
•    Her duties and rights
•    Reading and writing
•    Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
•    Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
•    Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
Admirable Jealousy
•    Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
•    Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
•    Avoiding excess jealousy.
Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did    not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
Patience and Mildness
•    Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
•    Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
•    Forgive the mistakes she does to you.
Correcting her Mistakes
•    First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
•    Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
•    The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. In this case, the husband should consider the following:
He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc..
It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur’an .
He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.
Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
•    Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
•    Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah’s rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
•    Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
•    Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
•    Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn’t then he does not eat and does not comment.
•    Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations
•    Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
•    When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
•    Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
Finally, please make Du’a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed, for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors. Muslim Students’ Association University of Alberta Edmonton, Canada February, 1999.


48 Comments to How to make your Wife happy

    • I agree with u sister although i would say as far as the Prophet PBUH hitting a woman, a permissible circumstance never arose. He was always able to solve the issue before it warranted anything physical.

      • Asa. That is an interesting response, brother. Can you please explain to me then why the Prophet (PBUH) did leave his home for an extended period of time (which you have said not to do) 30 days simply to be in seclusion specifically to punish his wife for revealing his secrets? I would think that surely such an obvious disrespect for a husband meriting such a response would have been cause for ” lightly hitting”. And yet he did not. Also brother I would like to point out that Aisha is says to have argued with him and been jealous of his other wives, and yet he never touched her. This came even in a time when it was the norm for a man to hit his wife. It is not permissable to hit a dog, why then would it be permissable to hit your wife?

  1. rasheed Sheriff

    Subuanallah, I never imagined this kind of islamic script is coming out of a secular country like Canada. What a beautiful and incisive text. Anyway, I hope to join this Association on securing my graduat admission to UAlberta for Fall 2012.

  2. kemi samuel

    Am a christian but the kind of teachings in Islam are just too clear,easy and straightforward. No ambiguity whatsoever! The beating part is actually not necessary because if you give a man a yard,he goes a yard so let’s just don’t mention that and also considering Prophet Mohammed(SAW) never touched any woman. More grace upon the writers and contributors of this blog.

    • Hi just to answer, hitting is only allowed in extreme cases where the husband has done all he can from his duties, talked to the wife etc etc etc. It is the last resort and not the first one.

      And in that also to hit lightly and not hard so as to cause pain.

      I agree that in today’s world people take things to the extreme without thinking whether they have done their bit fully and that whether they can defend themselves in front of the Almighty for their actions.

  3. Hitting is with a miswaak ( a 10 centimetre stick). And its just for emphasis – not to make your spouse get hurt or blue etc.

    • If i am not mistaken, the hitting with a miswak is attributed to the famours scholar Imam Shafii and it is therefore he’s opinion out of his understanding and not a concept that can be traced back to the prophet.

      Please correct me if i am wrong

    • ibrahim nadir

      Hitting is with a miswaak ( a 10 centimetre stick). And its just for emphasis – not to make your spouse get hurt or blue etc. This answers u perfectly sister…

  4. Hafis sherief

    this is wonderful message for all the human beings 🙂 it shows how much importance and care Islam is giving for women 🙂 it remaind all the men that how to behave to your wife:) if any trun Muslim reads this then he can never behave badly to their wife:) let it spread to non Muslims also 🙂 let then read how much securitY Islam gives which No other religion or constitution could not give 🙂 may allah guide us in right path

  5. Islam is a complete way of life as exemplified by prophet Muhammed(saw).I don’t agree with d rulings on beating because African muslim men are interpritng it wrongly.Overall,the book has done justice to the topic.May Allah reward the author abundantly.

  6. Alhamdulillah,this script has been most informative,may Allah(SWT) reward the writers abundantly. I look forward to reading more interesting scripts here.

  7. MaashaALLAH 🙂 may ALLAH guide us all to a happy marriage… Though hitting part is being intercepted in a wrong manner by the readers.. It should be avoided.. 🙂
    *that also implies on women too.. 😛

  8. This is a very beautiful script for husband to follow and make wife happy. Could be better if similar script is published side by side mentioning how to make your Husband happy. Now this is 50%, then it will be 100%.

    ZazakAllah khairan.

  9. MASHALLAH…very nice….good info and can be very use full for the newly married couples in avoiding misunderstandings. Prayers for the writers. All the Best!

  10. Aslam: Asa thank you pointing out that the hitting so to speak was meant to be done with something as harmless as miswak. Too often that is not explained when this verse is taken under scrutiny.

  11. The beginning of this article was okay but I have to say that close to the end, the wife is objectified and it encourages the treatment of her as a possession and gives no room for normal problem solving. The fact that hitting was even mentioned is really a disgrace because in Islam ‘ you wife is to be treated like a diamond’ and we are trying to promote Islam in this day and time as a religion where women are liberated, free and treated with upmost respect. Also why should we listen to a Student at the end of the day. I’m sorry there is much to argue with here.

    • ibrahim nadir

      Dear sister, You are taking hitting in a very wrong perspective. I think if we just change the word ‘hitting’ with an appropriate word like ‘physically emphasize’ to do something, all the issues will be solved because hitting is never ever preffered. I think its the last resort before you get ready to discuss your personal issues with ppl in your or your spouse’s family. or go for talaq. So isnt physically emphasizing someone a better option than the rest? Islam gives so much right to you but only if you are right. You agree to so many things that husband should do this and this but if you see that woman makes a mistake and husband can do a little of that! then u have issues with islam. Islam is the religion suggested by ALLAH if u trust him you should never have issues with Islam!

  12. Mostly i see my muslim sisters complaining about the hitting part but they dont understand that if they dont do any wrong then the question of beatting doesnt even arrive.
    I have a question, what if your wife doesnt understand a situation but still keeps on suggesting something and if you are not ready to take her advice she keeps arguing with wich she back answers you,
    What if you dont want your wife to go out with someone you dont want her to be with
    What if your wife is not ready do wear a hijab and on that she is not weari g approriate clothes or clothes you dont like her to wear

  13. “Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.”
    Why does this sentence make me feel like men think all women are stupid?

    • many ppl have different ways to speak. some just don’t get to the point straight. they keep on juggling words. in this sentence the author wants to say that instead of going out of the way just be straight and simple in what u have to say

  14. If a man treats his wife as mentioned in above article then a woman would never ever do such thing that will lead to hitting her.
    May Allah guide all husbands and wives.

  15. many ppl have different ways to speak. some just don’t get to the point straight. they keep on juggling words. in this sentence the author wants to say that instead of going out of the way just be straight and simple in what u have to say

  16. To all my sisters here refusing the topic of hitting ,just i wanna remind them that the writer did not invent that punishment from his mind ….it is mentioned in Kura`an so we have to believe in it like that cuz we do not have the choice to even think if it is right or wrong ..we wont make like jews but we muslims are saying ……

  17. To all my sisters here refusing the topic of hitting ,just i wanna remind them that the writer did not invent that punishment from his mind ….it is mentioned in Kura`an so we have to believe in it like that cuz we do not have the choice to even think if it is right or wrong ..we wont do like jews by saying we listned and will disobey but we muslims are saying we listened and obey

  18. May be hitting part of the above topic will become more clearer if the author elaborates “do’s and don’ts for women as well” or another topic like “How to make your husband happy”. This will help to clarify the extreme scenarios in which hitting is permissible.

  19. I just love this. Infact our deens are the best. African men seem not to understand real Islam. Especially the hitting part. Afterall when we make jokes with friends we hit one another. So, its not the painful hitting we’re talking about here. Ma salaam. I LOVE ISLAM

  20. AlhamduliLlah to Allah for making us Muslims.
    This is a lovely piece of article & I pray Allah to reward the writer, translator & others involved.
    Whatever is in the article wasn’t invented by the writer but words from the
    Noble Qur’an & speech of our Prophet (saw)
    Once a matter has been decided by Allah & His Prophet (saw), then we have no say.
    Let us not be deceived by western ideologies that can never have a place in Islam.
    Let us all hold firm unto Islam & insha Allah, we shall be rightly guided.
    Ma salaam

  21. Clearly you consider yourself a modern moslem woman, who is opposed to the objectification of women. But in the same breath, you are opposing sunnahs laid down by the Prophet himself! This is indeed a sign of a kaffir!

    A scholar of Deen is far closer to the Almighty than an everyday muslim. Dedicating time and effort not to mention money to learn his or her religon is a path we all should strive for. Undermining a scholar of your religon undermines the very character and wisdom of your own understanding of your Deen.

    Did the Prophet not say, “Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave!” And even in his last days, the prophet searched for knowledge, thereby making still a scholar!

    It is indeed sad to see the debate surrounding the “durbh” My understanding is durbh means to tap. When we instructed to perform tayamum, we should tap (lightly touch) the ground. The same is meant with disciplining your wife. This however, should only be exercised once each and every form of resolution has been exhausted and even then, “hitting” should still not be a consideration. Enough emphasise cannot be placed upon this! I believe that if it does come down to punishment of that nature, a small miswaak should be used. The touch of the miswaak should be as heavy a duck’s feather, (try and imagine who light sore that might be!)

    There are many people who will find fault with Islam, yet there are many who find it the perfect religon. Questioning your Deen is fine, but it should be questioning to make you understand and appreciate your religon better. Give salutations where it is due. Don’t undermine the very scholars who are preserving our Deen for future generations, for in the future, the words of our Deen will be wiped from the Quraan, and when the day of judgement arrive, our scholars will be in the company of our Beloved Prophet!

  22. Good post, Although i do completely disagree with the hitting part, it does not resolve anything but create more bad feeling.

    • Why would people disagree with the hitting part .. It is allowed to hit the wife lightly but not injure her nor hit her in the face … I think its ok since its only hitting her lightly and she wouldn’t get hurt its not like the wife is gonna die after doing that LOL … Stop crying about it .. If u tried getting hit lightly by ur husband u will feel that he loves u so much that he would never injure u and he will protect u from anything … That’s my opinion about the hitting part

  23. Sisters who disagree with the hitting part
    disagree with a matter decreed by Allah.
    Am not married and don’t know anything
    About marriage life but I know that we stop
    becoming Muslims the day we start questioning
    what Allah has told us in His Quran. And Allah
    Know best.

  24. Assalamu’alaikum ^^

    I like this…. and I think it’s great, I like all the suggestions are aimed at women. due to the fact that many books written about how to be a good wife but that means we as women should always try to be a good wife, but in the presence of these suggestions at least the men can also make women happy and proud. I hope there will be more explanations for the men to how to be a good husband and how happy and protect his wife with the good and true

    I Love Islam and I Love all Muslims ^-^

  25. The hitting with a miswak concept was that of Imam Shafii, Famous Islamic scholar and does not trace back to the prophet himself; i do not think hitting your wife can be justified at any level… it does not make sense.

    Correct me if im wrong

  26. But brother, there is also the idea of misinterpretation that has occurred frequently; it is not judging the Quran but discussing on how well we have been able to interpret it.

  27. Abiodun Sadiq

    Thanks for the article and other fine responses. I think Islam is a religion that addresses all kind of natural characters. Therefore, on the issue of “hitting” I am of the opinion that it is just being regulated for those who may find it difficult to maximally control their anger, that come what may you can only do it in a child play manner. To me using chewing-stick is like a foreplay that the couple may end up laughing over. A dirty slap or violent push is more dangerous to think about.

  28. Salaam!!! Unfortunatly there are quite a lot man who don’t have much understanding of the type of hitting Islam allows as they will hurt their partner and blame it on the anger. Of course nobody deserves to be abused but that’s actually what’s going on in our society sometimes and we choose to ignore it. Obviously if the wife does something wrong then use the miswak but how about when the husband does unpermissable things repeatedly of course the wife will not hit him because most women would be too emotional about it. Yes there are some odd ones who just go running to the parents and make their problems public

  29. asalam alykum. Allahu akbar! I read, digested nd appreciate dis concept but i will also be glad to see it the other way round. ‘how to make your husbands happy so as it could b applicable to d muslimats as a lesson in order to have a peacful married life Insha Allah bi qudratlahi. Cheers. Ma salam!

  30. Assalaamu ‘Alaykum.
    The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

    If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

    ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth – Translator]

    The purpose behind this is not to hurt or humiliate the woman, rather it is intended to make her realize that she has transgressed against her husband’s rights, and that her husband has the right to set her straight and discipline her.

    And Allaah knows best. wife

  31. In addition…

    The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, advising his ummah: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah and they are lawful to you by the word of Allaah. Your rights over them are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds whom you dislike, so if they do that then hit them in a way that is not painful.” (Saheeh hadeeth). The husband should avoid hitting parts of the body that are sensitive, such as the head and stomach, and the face, because the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade hitting the face in general. Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of any one of us over us?’ He said, ‘That you feed her as you feed yourself and clothe her as you clothe yourself, and that you do not say “May Allaah make your face ugly” or hit her” i.e., in the face.’” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 2/244; Ibn Maajah, 1850; Ahmad, 4/446).

  32. لا اله الا االله محمد رسول الله

    so beautiful reminder revived fr the Holy Qur’an en sunnah.
    May all of us be always guided to d right path.Ameen!

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