Keeping it Halal

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By Pure Matrimony -

Source : habibihalaqas.org

By Bint Ali

Girl meets boy, and life seems so sweet. Now that he is in her life, no one else exists. All day he is the number one feature of her daydreams; the star of the show. She checks her Facebook to see if he has posted on her wall; and her gaze is always lowered… right on to her phone, checking for his messages. She is his queen, and he is her king. He cherishes her, adores her and cares for her in every way possible. She says she cannot live without him, and with a twinkle in his eyes, he says he feels the same way. She wonders, is this real?

So romantic, right?

Sure, If her Prince Charming happens to be her husband.

And if not?

She risks losing her reputation, her self-respect, her modesty, her Iman… and worst of all, her akhirah is in grave danger.

One of the most evil crisis’ to come upon the Ummah is that of dating and inappropriate contact between the genders. Whether we are aware of it or not, these relationships are rampant, hidden behind deleted messages and secret hook-ups. Evil surrounds these relationships- from loss of reputation and destruction of modesty, to outright zina and abortion.

*What if it’s too late you ask?

It’s never too late to turn to Allah. This article is not about the fiqh of gender interaction (references for that at the end of the article). This is just some advice from one sister to another, to every girl who has non-Mahram “friends” with whom she freely chats to; every girl who sincerely wants to marry for the sake of Allah, but has found herself falling in to the haram in her quest; to all my sisters out there who make excuses as to why they can’t keep it halal. Let be real with ourselves, inshaAllah.

Excuses for Free-mixing and Dating – Let’s be real

*But we love each other!

Yes, you might love each other, but isn’t Allah more deserving of your love? Of course you say, knowing full well that Allah deserves your love above everybody and everything else.

… are some who take (for worship) others besides Allah as rivals (to Allah). They love them as they love Allah. But those who believe, love Allah more (than anything else)…. (Surah Al Baqarah 2:165)

Are you using His blessings (sight, speech, movement, intelligence, beauty) to disobey Him? If you love, deeply, truly – Allah – than love everybody else in ways that please Him. Get married if possible, since that is the cure for those in love.

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas : Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said, “You have seen nothing like marriage for increasing the love of two people.’ Ibn Majah transmitted it.

Tip: If marriage is not an option, have sabr and don’t transgress the limits set by Allah for fleeting feelings. InshaAllah your time will come, and the fire of regret will burn deep in your heart if you fell in to haram while you were seeking the Halal.

*We only talk on the phone/Facebook/text, Isn’t that ok?

Short answer, no.

You might have pure intentions, hoping to get to know each other for the sake of marriage. The scary fact is, Shaytaan will seize the opportunity if he sees you approaching a potentially sinful situation. Slowly but surely, certain things seem more and more acceptable to you, and you could soon find yourself in a compromising situation that you never would have thought possible.

Like quicksand, haram relationships are easy to fall in to and hard to get out of (mostly because of the emotional toll). If only we heeded the advice of the One created us, we’d find our lives so much easier.

And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way. (Al Isra 17:32)

Tip: Don’t even come close to zina- can the advice be any clearer? What starts off “innocently” can lead to zina. Trust that Allah is looking out for your best interest. Begin what you intend to do the right way, so that what follows is right, inshaAllah. If what begins right, ends right, we can hope for the “right” abode in the akhirah – Jannah.

*But we’re getting married, eventually!

In a nutshell – until the imam pronounces you as man and wife – he is to you as every other man is. Would you consider is ok to call Carlos from accounting and have a chat about your favorite movies? Is it ok to meet Imam Bilal at the movies? Late night phone calls and meet ups are off-limits, unless your wali is in on the situation like butter on bread.

Sisters, don’t be fooled in to thinking everything is sweet just because he manned up and proposed (or promised to propose). By Allah, there are girls who give up their dignity, with promises of marriage, and I’m talking about really giving it up. They lost their ‘izza for nothing more than promises and feeling lovey dovey – only to find themselves dumped, or in a miserable marriage to someone who doesn’t fear Allah, because they were too love-blind to see the red flags. A real man isn’t one who can get the girls, a real man is one who fears Allah, especially when emotions are high.

*But he wont want me if we don’t communicate.

Think of your (future) husband as an advocate of your deen – i.e. the closest person to you that will encourage you toward good and steer you away from sin. If this guy fails to encourage piety from the outset, what is it that you are seeking from him?

If the guy you want to marry pressures you to communicate with him outside of your wali, he’s forcing you in to a corner. On one hand, you want to protect your izza and your Iman. On the other hand, is him. Does that sound like a good deal to you?

Your wali is there for a reason (actually, quite a few reasons). He is supposed to deal with your suitors, and act as a chaperone, to avoid any haram contact.

Tip: Utilise your wali to safeguard your Iman, hopefully attaining barakah in your marriage by doing things in accordance to Islam. Don’t taint your future marriage by planting the seeds of haram, because eventually you will have to reap them.

*I can’t find anyone else but him.

As for those who fear they can’t find anybody else, may Allah send you a righteous brother soon, Ameen. It’s tempting to cling on to the first decent guy that shows interest, but don’t settle for anyone who makes you compromise your Deen.

Tip: Be upfront with all suitors. Let them know your wali will be present at all times during the pre-marital meeting. Make sure your wali understands his role properly, which isn’t to keep a brick wall between you and your intended, but to act as your guardian. There are no excuses for being in seclusion (khalwa) with a non-Mahram for the sake of getting to know them.

Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab: Rasulullah (SAW) said, “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third.” (Al-Tirmidhi 3118)

But everyone else is doing it.

I find it appropriate to repeat the words of my mother, and just about everybody else’s mother, “If everybody jumps off a bridge, will you jump too?”. Cliche, sure, but they had a point. Just because other people are engaging in haram, it doesn’t make it ok for you to follow. You’ll only add to your bad deeds, and theirs too. What if the same people you choose to follow in this life, turn out to be the ones you have no choice but to follow in the next? And what of these same people are thrown into fire – what will your situation be?

Tip: Keep good company, stay amongst people who understand the seriousness of disobeying Allah and His messenger sal Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Reflect on the famous Hadith of the perfume and the blacksmith:

Narrated Abu Musa: Allah’s Apostle said, “The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith’s bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof.” …(Ṣahih al-Bukhārī)

Good friends are invaluable. A good friend will advise you to have sabr and wait for a suitable situation to come up. A bad friend will encourage you to disobey Allah for a meaningless romance. The difference between such companions is literally the difference between Jannah and Jahannam. Choose wisely, and find success, inshaAllah.

But it’s too late to keep it halal.

So you’ve already commenced haram contact and you feel like its too late to stop. Fortunately, you’re wrong.

The contact between you may have become inappropriate, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Perhaps Shaytaan got the better of you, and he might have won a few battles, but it doesn’t mean he’s won the war. You can make it halal, but you have to make a sincere effort.

1. Within yourself, make it clear that you are ‘making it halal’ for the sake of Allah. This is vital! You need to be clear about what your goal is, and stay steadfast, because Shaytaan is going to attack you from very angle. Repentance is key – you need to seek forgiveness, regret, and abstain from the sin. The great news is, that you have a Lord who is Ar-Rahman (The Compassionate), Al-Ghaffar (The Pardoner), Al-Afuw (The Forgiving), Al Halim (The Kindly).
2. Give the number of your wali to this guy, if you’re serious about marriage. If not, break contact immediately. Either you’re heading for marriage or you’re not. Good Muslims are not ‘players’ – so don’t play around.

By shunning the evil of free mixing and dating, you are reviving a sunnah, and setting a trend of modesty and piety, in a world riddled with evil desires and dangerous sins. Don’t underestimate the worth of clinging to the Deen, regardless of whose love you lose…

…Because a Muslimah Queen like you deserves to be loved and cherished in ways that please Allah, Whose love we cannot live without. And that’s real.

Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39:53)

I’d love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! 🙂
________________________________________
Source : habibihalaqas.org

Fatwas and advice
Am I sinning by dating? : http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=4549&CATE=13
Is it ok for brothers and sisters to chat online? : http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=1335&CATE=88
What is the ruling on Facebook?: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/137243/Facebook
Dating in Islam : http://www.zawaj.com/dating-in-islam-qa/

40 Comments to Keeping it Halal

  1. MashaAllah! nice article an eye opener for young girls who are unmarried and waiting for their prince to arrive…Allah knows whats best and He has given whats best till now…and…He surely give what best in the best-est possible way 🙂

    • zaonab ashoora

      vrryy well said nd reallyy its good message for young girls,,,allah knows everythig..may allah bless all upon us aameen

  2. mohammed ibn abdullah

    nice article ,,,but i have few question regarding love affairs..may i have your mail id??

  3. Thanks for the article! 🙂 I have a question, however. I see that in those kind of Islamic meetings in which there is a wali included, after a short while the wali goes to another table behind/next to them and let the two discuss alone for a while. I think I would like to have that kind of a space, too, as I would be too shy to talk about what I seek in a man in front of someone else(even if it’s my own sister, whom I am the closest with) or what I seek in marriage in general, and I’m not sure if this thought I have is Shaytaan approaching from the right… Is it really O.K. to have the wali give the two “some space”? Thank you!

  4. Masha allah.. its really a eye opener for both young girls and boys… hope everybody can feel the fact and save themselves from those sins. may Allah guide us at the right way always..

  5. Salam. This is really inspiring and I love it. I’m a rebirth and when I use to be a disbeliever,I used to leave my life freely,if you understand what I mean and never had problems wif them. But now that I’m a believer, I know those things aren’t good, mere thoughts in my head alone are not to be heard of talk much of my act. But now I know they are not good and I’m fighting it,insha allah. But some times, I’m tempted so i seek forgiveness, saying to maself Allah is oft-forgiving.
    Would u send me ur email,so we could talk better.

  6. BinteAshraf

    MASHALLAH great reminder and really help its a words to my imaginations…..Thanx Alot..for touching every angle…every1 plzz share and spread to every young/grownup/girls/lady’s single to read..worth reading..and reflecting ALHAMDULILLAH for such a beautiful religion we have..<3 JAZAKALLAh-Khairun fiduniya wal Akhira

  7. Muhammad Aditya

    Nice article, subhanallah…..
    I was in a haram realtionship myself before. But I broke up with her n didn’t contact her anymore, because I realized that it wasn’t the right thing to do and not what Islam teaches me to do. It was tough and sad at first to be honest. But I trust Allah whole-heartedly. If she’s really for me, then Allah will surely unite us again in a better place, time and condition. If not, then He will surely replace her with someone much2 better for me. InsyaAllah 🙂

  8. Jazakallahukhair for this nice article. Ive come across a lot of articles discussing about the same topic. In fact, ive dealt with the same situation before and finally decided to end the relationship. But the worries of not meeting a righteous person as a husband is always there and sometimes i tend to repeat the same mistake-I nearly start another relationship. Alhamdulillah,after reading this articles, it makes me realized again that this is not right. So, I really hope that u or anyone can help me to deal with this thing,since we’re all getting older and should move on to another phase of life.

    Im sorry for my poor english.Thank you.

  9. muslim brother

    I agree with you, I also had a girlfriend, who even today I still love so much, she was just using me, she broke my heart. It was very very tough, but i have now realised it was wrong and if she is for me, she will come back to me in the right way. If not Allah SWT will give me someone much better.

  10. But I have just one concern you haven’t answer in your essay, I’m worry that I could NOT be able to live and experience the same feelings and few other things I had in my previous relationship with my future husband…I’m so frustrated of marriage, indifferent and not feeling anything toward anyone had and would ask me for marriage….what would I do? I hope that I would be mistaken BUT I know myself…I hope truly it would be the opposite…again am I wrong and what would I do???…

    • You are frustrated for marriage? Its natural…..there is nothing wrong if you are expressing your feelings. But it must be on the rite side (as per Islam).
      You just need to Believe on Allah and secondly do rite efforts to get married.Like: talk about it with your mom if you are close to her, or talk to your close friend who can deliver this massage to your parents.
      your sisters, friends, colleagues can also be helpful in this regard. Don’t feel shy to discuss as your demanding for a rite relationship and not friendship etc. Its you Rite as per the teaching of Islam.! God bless you and all sisters !!ameennn

  11. Thank you sister after reading your article my girl friend left me :-|. May Allah bless her and may Allah bless you.

  12. Thanks! Really nyc article which left me with watery eyes seeking repentence… May Allah swt help me and my other brother and sisters come out of such similar situation. Evrytym (almost evryday) i pray for the same.. I feel its nothing more than a desperation which is bound to happen at young age for singles. And may be for the same reason I end up repeating the same mistake inspite of asking for forgiveness and deciding not to repeat such mistake…(Allahamdulillah..My Iman atleast doesnt let me cross even a small limit) I dont understand if Allah swt will forgive me as I keep going back (max after a month or so) on a evil call thinking its my true love calling. Except here its not otherwise difficult for me to stay with my Iman… I hope this article always retains in my mind evrytym i tend to go in this so called direction of love… (which is only through calls and short meet ups though).. Remember in Dua.. Thank you once again.

  13. Salaam sister! Nice article and beautifully written mashAllah. But I personally struggle with my sabr. I am a 23-year-old muslimah living in Germany. I don’t wear the hijab but I take great care of wearing modest clothes. I’ve never had a relationship and I’m starting to worry if I ever will have one. Girls I know who have a really bad past (i.e. commiting every single zina action one can think of) are getting married and I as a very modest person am waiting and waiting and waiting… isn’t this unfair?

    • passionfruit2

      i really do believe that the best things in life don’t come easily. one must be patient and maintain believe and faith in what Allah has promised. i believe that this life is a journey full of experiences that will help u learn more. those experiences will educate u and probably determine ur experience in the akhira. also remember that pebbles and rocks are easy to find, but not diamonds and pearls 🙂

    • Abdullah

      Verily Allah has kept pious women for pious men- Al quran.

      Wait n Allah will send u a very nice pious match in sha Allah. Start to practice hijaab …. may b Allah Ta’la wants u to come upto that standard of taqwa n then blesses u with the awaited gift in sha Allah.

      read this dua often in ur duas:

      “Rabb banaa hab lanaa min azwaajiza wa dhuriyy yaatina qurr rata’ ai’yu niw.n waj’a alnaa lil mutt-taqeena imaamaa “

  14. Salam, so nice article, Iam Aini from Indonesia, so di Iam still waiting Rigth Man for me , Much Hope ALLAH , Answer me, for get merrid. Believe one speciall day , He comes to ask me for merrid, Thank for article
    Salam.

  15. mashaa ALLAH!! ALHAMDULILLAH!!! ASTAGFIRULLAH!! MAY ALLAH BLESS U MORE FOR REMINDING US THOSE HARAM THINGS:) U MADE ME REALIZED MY MISTAKES:) MAY ALLAH GIVE US HIGH IMAAN:) ALLAHUMMA AMEEN

  16. Sameer Shaikh

    Thanks for very very good article. Its focuses on real situation. I hope all Muslim brother and sister will take lesson from this. Its an eye opener. Its an inspiring. I love it. I like it. Jazak Allah.

    You are requested to share your email id for communication.

  17. what happens to us

    We were infatuated, we thought we loved each other. We went overboard and shaytaan fooled us into committing a terrible sin.
    I feel guilty and terrible that we lost control
    We still like each other… what happens to us?

  18. Asalam Walikum All
    My question is that if after commiting the sin (where the act wasn’t done but it was physucal) if both the parties are truly repentful,they have asked Allah for forgiveness with true sincerity and they want a halaal relationship now ie Nikaah is it permissible for them to get married. Also in such a case would the marriage be blessed by the Almighty? If anyone of you could get a scholarly opinion i’l be obliged.
    Jazakallah khairun.

    • Abdullah

      yes in deed its recommended as well. plz check marriage section in http://www.askimam.org …. i have gone through many such scholarly opinions on such matters particularly on dis website…. its maintained by Mufti Ibrahim Desai n his students from South africa. Very much reliable

  19. @ sister afreen..one need to completely close away all the doors that will lead to loss of control..stop all communications..n ask wali to involve..evil take many minor steps he wont directly take u in the end trap..however if both of you have sincere repentence .then their is no problem in getting married..but your marriage with that person stands invalid unless u both repent sincerely to Allah..for Allah is oft forgiving and merciful..never despair of HIS mercy..do lot of sincere repentence do lot of good deeds,,insha Allah we will be forgiven..rest first make sure that u make a heartful commitment that you wont repeat this..! we will be caried away by nafs ,hence make sure you close all the doors .stop all comminications even with the person inn,,and involve elders take up the matter..jazakallah khair

  20. Anonymous

    I’ve found myself falling into this sin over and over again no matter how much I try to stop. Ill feel bad repent move on only to find myself in the same sin again! What does one do in such a case? 🙁

  21. asalamualikum…

    I chat with a boy whom i like to marry. He doesn’t even propose me, but I know he likes me. I’m afraid, if I don’t chat with him, I may lose him. We are chatting humbly, without any wrong comments. What should I do? I don’t want to go against Islam, but I want him too. I’m in a dilemma. Please help me.

  22. I have a long distance relationship he is my cuz in living back home we’ve been talki. For 3 years and all we talk about is islam and prophet( saw) marriage and how
    To be a good spouse for eachother , we don’t dont on the phone only through msg both of our parents know we are talking , i just need to make enough money to go back home so we am get Maried , i was wondering if our love is haram ? I don’t feel it is but after reading this i want to know , my cousin is very religious he does his prayers goes to the mosque every other night and he told me that its not a haram relationship because we talk about islam and good things we never mention inappropriate subjects , were both pretty young but very understanding , could u please let me kno if my type of relationship is haram , thank u

  23. Muslim_Always

    Kindly tell the fathers to stop being so stubborn when it comes to giving their daughters in nikah. Too often the guy needs a bank account, a house, a car blah blah blah!

    The dowries are ridiculously expensive! Let’s start dealing with the real issues.

    When a brother is extremely poor and he has an extremely high libido, he cannot do the fast of Dawoud (a.s) for 2 years or 5 years – let’s be practical now.

  24. Binte Ahmed

    Jazakillah for the amazing article! It’s something I really needed to read..
    May all the brothers and sisters out there, including myself find our suitable partners, chosen by Allah in the Halaal and pure way. Aameen!

  25. firoz khan

    salam,

    I have stayed in hostel for last 6 years. And engaged from last 2 years which was broken few months back. I have never called her and she also never called me. I am happy that I never crossed the limits for the sake of love of allah. But sometime i feel jealous to others who r involved in these illict activities.
    Sometimes shaitan may deviate ur attention but instead concentrate on praying namaz and reading quran. Allah will make every way easy.

  26. This was an eye opener for me , I realised that the realtionship I was in was not only haram but everything I never wanted love to be like. Allah should be your priority and it is he that graunts happiness and good pious spouses. Going our their with the wrong intentions and later expecting it to be all peaches and cream was wrong!

  27. Saadiya Sulaiman

    Ma’sha’ALLAH brilliant article & I’m definitely gonna share it with my friends too In’sha’Allah.
    I would love to have your e-mail ID for further queries. Hope to hear from you soonest In’sha’Allah 🙂
    May Allah shower His Rehmaa on the entire Ummat-E-Muhammadia Aameen.

  28. Really good article mashallah!! I tried to end my 3 years of relashinship between me and a none mahram but failed i deleted him on every social network,phone number and so forth, we brock up for 4 months he tried his hardest throw contacted me throw his friends my friends and so much more. His a muslim shia and i am a muslim sunni. I have lied about trying to get out of the relashinship and all that but he keeps coming back no matter what never hurt me in any way . I have always been the one thinking this and that but when i get to tell him am wrong always. He wants to marry me but its just to early for that am 17 his 21 what should i do ???

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