Lessons from Laura – Part 4

This entry is also going to be dedicated to the topic of control.

Why do we do it? And how do we stop?

Why you ask? Well there is only one root cause of control, and that is fear. This fear is usually irrational and usually comes from an insecurity. And the most common justification for control is “I’m just trying to help.”

Unfortunately, however, control is the opposite of love/intimacy. So we need to try to stay away from controlling as much as possible in order to regain love/intimacy in our marriages.

Let’s take a small situation where a person was controlling and try to examine it:

Let’s say you’re in the car with your husband, going somewhere you have both been before and you know he knows directions. Yet you decide to say, “Turn right at the light” just because he wasn’t in the right lane at the same time you would be in the right lane for a right turn.

Of course his reaction is to roll his eyes and say, “really, you think I didn’t know that?” It’s simply insulting to a man to think that his own wife doesn’t trust him to take her from point A to point B. This can leave him frustrated for at least an hour over something you thought was very small and just plain old helpful. You may have thought, “Maybe he forgot or maybe he’s not paying attention.” But in reality he is simply doing something in a different way than you would.

{In fact, let’s say he really wasn’t paying attention or he did forget the directions and missed the turn, it would be better for you to hold your tongue until he passes the turn and then ask, “Sweetie, weren’t we supposed to make a right turn back there?”

In that way, you add 2 minutes to your commute, but gain the satisfaction of knowing you did not insult your husband. After all he is the one driving…so just let him drive!}

If this sounds at all familiar to you then ask yourself the following questions:

1. What were you afraid of at the moment you said, “Turn right”? The most common answer to this would be: being inefficient. You were afraid of missing the turn and not getting to your destination in the most direct way.

2. Was your fear realistic? No. In the end it doesn’t matter if you missed the turn, that’s why they invented U-turns!

3. What’s the worst thing that could have happened if you hadn’t controlled the situation? Being a couple minutes later to your destination.

4. Was controlling that particular situation worth losing the intimacy it cost you? NO!

Try this: The next time you feel the urge to control something, whether through words or actions, ask yourself the above 4 questions and remind yourself that your fear (usually irrational) is what is making you do it. Fight that urge, because the cost of losing intimacy with your husband is simply not worth it!

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