Letter to the Unfulfilled Wife

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By Pure Matrimony -

Source :saudilife.net
By Andrea Umm Abdullah and Umm Zahrah

I may not know you. I may not know your name, where you come from, or where you live. But I know what you’re going through.

I’ve been there. I know you just want to be happy. You just want your marriage, your husband, your home life to be…better. Happier. Easier.

I know you are tired of being sad. Tired of being unfulfilled. Tired of settling. Tired of wanting more. Tired of trying to make yourself stop caring.

I know sometimes you look up and wonder, “What happened to the ME I used to be?” You’ve bent, suppressed, and given up so much of yourself. Sometimes you wonder, “What am I doing here? What’s the point? Maybe my life would be better if/when/there…”

I know you feel unnoticed and unappreciated. You can’t get rid of the headaches, your eyes are tired, your hair needs attention, your hands are rough, your body is sore, your feet are cracked but most importantly, your heart feels empty.

But you know what? It’s going to be okay.

You know how you start to compare your then and now? You wonder why you were happier and why you felt your iman back then? You wonder, “What happened? What changed?” Yeah, your situation changed…You had that thing, the issues were different, etc. but you changed too. You let your circumstances determine your happiness.

And if you keep doing that, you’ll always be up and down, because that’s how life is. But I don’t want that for you. I want you to get to a place where you can say, “You know what? It’s ok. It’s not worth the arguing, the pain, the tears, and the inner turmoil.”

We think happiness is always when and if. We think happiness is somewhere outside of us…somewhere outside of our current situation. But that’s not true. Your happiness is up to you.

You can “choose” happiness. You don’t have to wait until someone or something makes you happy. Instead of waiting for that one big change to bring joy and sunshine into your life, pay attention to the small drops of delight that abound throughout your day.

Everything will never be exactly the way you want. And if it is, it won’t last long. That’s just how life is. And that’s ok. We have ups and we have downs. The good thing about the downs is that they tell us to slow down. To pray. To be grateful. To feel empathy for those who have it worse.

I saw a quote the other day…”When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.” And that’s what you have to do sometimes.

You just hold on.

I know what it’s like to reach that point where you feel like you’re going to break. You’re tired of going through the motions and you know you can’t keep living like this. It’s scary. It’s scary because you don’t know what’s going to happen or what to do next but you know something has to change. And sooner or later, you realize, it’s you. It’s you that has to change. Because at this point, you know that nothing external will make it better. Getting a maid won’t make it better. Having more money or even getting that divorce. You would still be unhappy. And that’s how you know it’s your heart. And so you give in. And you throw in the towel and turn back to where you should’ve been the whole time…with Allah.

You know, your marriage isn’t the center of your life. The reality is you won’t always feel the love, the happiness and fulfillment. I know you didn’t get married to have a roommate and sometimes you feel like your marriage isn’t benefitting you the way it’s supposed to.

But don’t spend too much time being sad. And don’t let anyone stand in between you and your relationship with Allah. Not even your own self. You couldn’t read Quran because you were just too upset. You couldn’t pray because you couldn’t concentrate. Or you couldn’t sit and do your adhkar because your mind was everywhere.

But you know how you feel better after you take that first step back to Allah? That time you decided to pick up the Quran, maybe because you figured it’s been a while. That time you couldn’t stop crying in prayer. And then when you finished, you felt lighter. Well this time, keep going.

Remember the last time YOU did something and it made YOU feel happy? Or the other day when you laughed out loud, for a pretty long time, and you thought, “Wow, I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that.” Go do it again. Go make a nice cake, or put on some makeup and nice clothes, and do your hair. Play with your kids or go help someone. Do it for you. And then smile at yourself. Smile because it’s going to be okay. You may not have everything you want and your relationship with your husband may not be where you want it to be, but Allah sees you. Allah knows your trying.

And one more thing, don’t lose yourself in your marriage, trying to morph yourself into the perfect wife. Keep a little bit of yourself just for you. Because you need YOU.

And remember, you’re not alone.
Source :saudilife.net

24 Comments to Letter to the Unfulfilled Wife

  1. Aminah Brown

    When I read this , it was like it was speaking directly to me and how I have been feeling for a very long time. I have forgotten so much about myself and have neglect myself. I have been threw so much and reading this has brought me to tears cause every word was me. Every word of it spoke to me. It was a sign/wake up call to me.

  2. True but sometimes its not due to a lack of gratitude… the generalization of this post is confusing. If you are in an abusive relationship do NOT compromise. Leave. Thats why Allah gave us women the right to a khula. I was feeling the same emotions above and had confided to some good Muslim.friends. They gave me the same advice as this letter. Which is horrible. I was beaten till i.bled.. and my parents forced me out Alnmd. In society im considered the bad one, th bad muslim. Remember limits to.compromise too. But other than that this letter is true.

  3. im unmarried..considering a propsal and i feel the same…should i give up on the propsal even though it looks perfect and look for something that makes me happy..please advicee

    • Mena… Do istikara … If you already feel this way its not a good sign. there is a fine line there and make sure this decision is yours and for the right reasons.Don’t let society bully you into it.

  4. Mena… Do istikara … If you already feel this way its not a good sign. there is a fine line there and make sure this decision is yours and for the right reasons.

  5. felt like this talk about me…see myself with other eyes and stop all this sad, this unhappy, this empty…smile because life is to short…

  6. Beautiful…so true and poignant, ma shaa Allah! In shaa Allah, will change my married life of 20yrs 😀

  7. khadijat waziri

    Honestly, I don’t know u either but it looks like you were talking to me directly,even though my situation has improved than before but I wished that I read this piece when I was in this mood. You have really touched me and I pray that Allah rewards you abundantly for in Shaa Allah my home,husband and my kids are my pride and I will love. Them and tolorate has Allah has ordained.I see my marriage as my religon and that strenghtens me and make me wanna stay and fight.I love my husband and just like you said there’s no happiness out there,I rather stay in here to be happy dera massallam.

  8. I cried when I read this letter every words in it has every part of me, Every part of me was touch especially my heart that I couldn’t feel for a long time. That I’ve been trying to ignore because I felt it was empty. Thank you for this letter.

  9. Masha’allah! I am new to marriage and have been placing so much pressure on my husband because things are not the way I want. This is beautiful and gave me chills and tears. I needed to read this badly. Thank you.

  10. Assalam Aleikum,

    The article has beautifully worded and i felt like it was addressed to me. Honestly it made me cry and laugh at the same time.

    May Allah guide you and us all, and may he make us content and happy people.

    Thank you.

  11. Amel Kabbouchi

    was invloved no we were as one husband and wife. neverin a million years didI ever think he would just walk out of my life. Iam broken and my heart is in a million pieces I readthis ltterandcant stop crying. I am cursed by Allah everything he gives he takes away!

  12. Very beautiful, and just like the many, this spoke to me as well. And im unmarried! Haha

    Alhamdullilah for this piece. May Allah bless you (:

  13. I cried the whole moment whilst reading this article. It touched my heart, pray for me dear sisters and brothers, I’m going through such painful period of my life. Yes, I’m never alone, Allah is always with me , and I’m living with this hope – He will make everything well for me soon, He hears my crying, only He values these tears. He would never turn me down.

  14. Masha Allah.. It felt like it was addressed directly to me. Alhamdulillah, im married with 2 kids. but the depression and anxiety is always so overwhelming, sometimes i wish i could break free and go back to my high school days.

  15. aslm.
    i used ti feel like these words expresses too. i feel this letter is addressed to me. but ALHAMDULLILAH, i never left the path which leads to Allah. i cried lot in salah. i read Quran to find guidance and felt lighter..i talked to HIM when i needed someone to listen. i was discouraged of finding one day happiness but ALLAH showed me that HE was there and listened. Today i am happy. my mariage is working. Millions of gratitude to the Lord. i pray that Allah always keep me near Him.

  16. Jazak Allah Khaiyr…it’s so true n I nvr tght so many ladies going thru wit this… Isn’t it sad that we are trying our best to salvage our marriage n keep it together but the real question is if the men followed Islam n sharia we wudnt be here with pain in our hearts n a smile on our faces? I knw ppl hav worse problems than mine. And believe me it’s all because of Allah I was able to live each day with the hope n belief.Allah helped me when I had nobody at every step. I love my husband too much I hav the capacity to continue to go thru the pain but I dont want to anymore I can’t do this. I hav nightmares I cry in my sleep. In my heart that feeling of dread like something is wrong won’t go like I’m trapped

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