Love Or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?

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By Pure Matrimony -

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By Abu Ibrahim Ismail
How Husbands Should Treat Their Wives

Men and women are different. Despite being equal in every mental aspect and almost every physical aspect, we are still different. Therefore, it should be no surprise that there is a difference in how husbands treat their wives and wives treat their husbands.

The most important emotion a husband can show his wife is love. That is what women are looking for from their men. Love.

Respect, friendship, and support are all important. But love is the foundation of all of these things.

I can give you all sorts of anecdotal evidence. Stories about women enduring all sorts of mental abuse and neglect because want their men to love them. And I can also cite cases where a woman would leave an otherwise good man if she feels he doesn’t love her.

But rather than do that, I’ll just quote from the Quran and hadith.

And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.Surah Nisa Verse 19

And from the hadith:

He has further stressed: “The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” Collected by At-Tirmidhi.

Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him) are showing us the way men should behave with their wives.

  • Treat them with kindness.
  • Do not dislike or hate them.
  • Treat them with the best behavior.
  • It is very difficult to have a relationship like this with a woman and not love her.

And the interesting thing is, the more you love your wife, the more she respects you. Which brings me to my next point.

How Wives Should Treat Their Husbands
Men don’t need love as much as women do. But what men do need is respect. Men will fight each other over perceived disrespect. So it is important that a woman always show respect towards her husband.

Respect means to hold someone in esteem or honor. What men most want from their wives is to be honored and respected. The easiest way to turn your husband against you is to attack his ego.And on the other side, the more respect you show your husband, the more he will love you.

The command to respect your husband comes from Allah in the Quran when He says:

So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.
Surah Nisaa Verse 34.

And from the hadith:

When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: ‘Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.’” Collected by At-Tirmidhi.

So you see that the primary commandment for a woman towards her husband is to respect him through obedience and modesty.

And it so happens that when a woman increases her respect for her husband, he likewise increases in love for her.And when a man increases his love for his wife, she likewise increases in respect for him.

It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work
Chances are if you ask a man why he doesn’t show more love to his wife, he would say: “I will love her more when she respects me more.”

And if you ask a woman why she doesn’t respect her husband she may say: “I will respect him more when he loves me more.”

The fact is it takes two people to make a marriage work. The husband has to show his love to his wife in order to gain her respect. And the wife has to show her respect to her husband to gain his love.

This love and respect also plays out in sexual relations between husband and wife.Men are turned on by women who respect them and women are turned on by men who love them.

My advice to you, if you are already married, is to begin showing your spouse more love and respect.

Brothers, whatever stage of marriage you’re in, show your wife that you love her.

  • Kiss her more often; not just when you want sex.
  • Buy her little gifts for no reason at all.
  • Just tell her you love her and why you love her and tell it from your heart.
  • If you do this, you will see your relationship with your wife grow to unprecedented levels. Your wife will begin to treat you like the great man she always wanted to marry.

Sisters, the same for you. Whatever stage of marriage you’re in, show your husband that you respect him.

  • Obey him without question when he asks for something within reason.
  • Let him be the man; do not shout at him or belittle him.
  • Ask his opinion and advice about things in your daily life.
  • When you do this, you will see your husband’s love for you begin to overflow. He will want to love you and protect you and make you happy in any way he can.

For those of you who are not married, please take this advice and keep it in the back of your mind. It’s very easy to lose love and respect for your spouse after the honeymoon is over.

But try with everything you’ve got to give love and respect and, Inshallah, you’ll get so much more back in return.

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9 Comments to Love Or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?

  1. Fabulous advice! It reminds me of a lot of the advice in Helen Andelin’s Facinating Womanhood. Great book, though there are references to Christian ideas and the bible.

    I’m just glad I had this information before we married. Respect and admiration is the key to pleasing a man, love and appreciation is the key to pleasing a woman.

  2. salma zayyan

    This is awesome I love dis one of the best ant truthful piece I hav ever read! Jazakallahu khairan

  3. This is very good advice, I’m not married but me and my partner do do this and InshaAllah it will always be like how it is now between us. I really love him and I am very gratefull to Allah swt that he gave me someone so loving, sweet and caring. 🙂

  4. Yassar Garba

    That’s a good advice. I ain’t married yet, but atleast i’ve gained alot from this article. Jazakallah bi khyr.

    • Hi, I am a Christian , more then a Christian, I am a believer in JESUS CHRIST as my LORD… I am in love with a Muslim Man, I met him a few months back and I never thought It would happen for me … but, he is so a part of me… I cannot even explain it. it goes against my family traditions. But, I never want to be without him. He is saying that he loves me too… he wants me as his wife… I am nervous
      I am nervous because he is already married for 25 years and he says that his wife has not been sharing a room with him for 2 years, yet, he loves his children, but, hurts that his wife prays daily and he serves his family and GOD always, and she will not let him touch her. He wants me as a wife, yet, I do not understand, as i feel to be with me would be a bad thing , as even if his wife doesn’t love him the way a wife should, they are married.

      • An Advisor

        Hey Pennylane,
        I would strongly advise you not to go ahead with this. Women’s decisions in regards to men are mostly always made by what’s in their hearts, but sometimes us women must use our heads. I’m not Christian, I’m Muslim, but if I see a person getting into trouble, I will help them as much as I can if God wills. As a fellow sister in humanity, I ask you to think about these things:

        1) If he can find a woman behind his wife’s back, the same can happen to you when you’re his wife. There is a way of going about things and his method is not right. I’m certain his wife doesn’t know about you. So, then what? What big secrets will he hide from YOU once you marry him? Or even, what secrets is he hiding from you right NOW?

        I’m pretty sure he has to lie to his wife/family to get away with getting so close to you, so a person who has no conscience in lying in this situation, similarly in future situations, won’t have a conscience lying to you. You have to understand you’re in the ‘honeymoon’ phase right now. The great love you have for him and the ‘great love’ he has for you isn#t going to stay like that. You could marry him and realise you’ve made the biggest mistake ever. And similarly, even if you divorce and leave him, you must understand what an impact this will all leave on him, his family, and most importantly, his kids. Secondly, who’s to say you’ll be accepted by his kids? Most likely they’ll be totally against it. They may even stop talking to their dad. He may feel pressured. What will he do with you then? What if he deserts you for them?

        2) He’s not going to leave his wife. Islamically, and even for a Christian, it’s common sense – any one who loves God won’t hurt His creation in such a horrible manner. Especially after having had lived with her and raised kids with her for so many years. Now, that’s talking about his conscience. If he’s hard-hearted enough to actually leave his wife after having had kids with her and built foundations, again, this is a reason not to marry him. His heart isn’t in the right place.

        Islamically, to have 2 wives simultaneously is acceptable ON THE CONDITION that the man in question can provide for his wives financially, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And EVEN IF he ticks off all of these things, he cannot marry more than 1 if he won’t treat them all fairly and justly. (e.g. if one wife gets a gift, so does the other). However, if he disregards those Quran aayahs and marries again, then his marriages are valid anyway. Even if you aren’t Muslim, this still applies for you. It’s very real and he knows it too. He knows he can have two wives simultaneously and he may well just be trying to exploit his right, and exploit you. He’s probably thinking, why can’t I have the best of both worlds?

        Don’t get me wrong, personally speaking, I’m telling you now, Islam is the most beautiful, and only correct path of life. Islam does not say hurt people. Islam does not say lie. Islam does not say exploit your God-given rights and twist them. Islam is a ray of hope, a light, and something which heals people and lifts people. It does not leave people tossed to the side and it does not harm people.

        To conclude, don’t let yourself be just a rag to be used, and thrown away, or used and abused.

        Secondly, familiarise yourself with Islam. Islam is the fastest growing religion, and the people who accept it most, are women like us. Why? Because our world harms us, and we women are hurt and exploited everywhere we go in modern times. I don’t want to offend you or attack your faith, but Christianity says Eve was evil and lured Adam into sin through her inherent-evil because she’s a woman. What does Islam say? Adam (may peace be upon him) and Eve (may peace be upon her) sinned together and they were equally accountable for their actions, and needed to seek forgiveness from Allah separately. Is Islam not fair? Hijab liberates the Muslim woman. We protect our bodies and hearts from being hurt by the male and female devils of our society. Maybe God sent you towards this man, towards this website, so you can find what you TRULY desire? The ultimate love of Allah, the 1 God, Who is not dependant on anyone, and there is none like Him, He has no parents or children.

        Please ponder on this. Peace.

        -Your sister

  5. That’s very true to a reasonable Man and woman. But some few men doesn’t deserve such respect bcs the more they are respected the more they misuse their power, lykwise some women the more U show them luv and caring the more they disobey U.

  6. S sarwar

    This has been the best piece of advice I could have read- me and my husband had an argument and after reading this I instantly understood the reasons and I knew what to do to to fix our problem. Thank you for writing this article esp the part on why men disengage.

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