Marriage delayed

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Marriage delayed
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By Pure Matrimony -

Marriage, seems to be the topic people are tired of hearing about, yet want to continue talking about. I think this topic rose to fame and has remained a favorite in the western Muslim community because of how difficult it has become; getting married (the halal) at this time is difficult, while temptation (and haram) by its very essence is easy. Many youth feel that they are ready to get married, but face a number of obstacles (all of which I could not enumerate or recognize as every sister’s circumstance is different, but I would guess family is one of the more common issues faced).

To digress for a moment here, I remember many years back, my friend and I had gone to the video store with her little sister and nanny. My friend’s sister ended up wanting a toy which the nanny said she couldn’t have, and so she was crying about the toy all the way home. The same happens with chocolate – we might tell ourselves “no more chocolate for this week,” and then end up thinking about chocolate more than we do in the first place. This is essentially what happens when you want something which you are told you can’t have until a later date ,you think about it. By the same token this happens with the issue of marriage. Some youth are interested and can’t go ahead with it and then have it on their mind constantly trying to drive the thoughts away. So, what can youth in this situation do?

Firstly, it’s a good time to remember that marriage is a means, and not an end. Think about it, is your purpose in life to get married? Will you be 100% happy and trouble-free when you get married? The answer to both questions is no. We all know our purpose is to worship Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala. And, it’s not like after you get married, you and your husband will joyfully skip into the sunset and it’s happily ever after. Pure happiness, peace, and tranquillity can only be found in Jannah. Which brings me to my next point – let us not forget about what we really should have on our mind and be striving for, Jannah.

I began to reflect on some lines of a poem:

O single Muslim!
How intelligent are you!
While some make marriage their ultimate goal,
You know it’s only a means,
To reach the final abode!

Questions started popping into my mind: why did I want to get married? What is marriage a means for? What is the end?

Why do people want to get married?

Many reasons, and again I could not list them all here. The main ones, are as follows:

  • To please and increase in the worship and obedience of Allah AzzawaJall, and to follow the sunnah of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam)
  • To protect themselves from falling into zina and haram, and a halal way to satisfy their desires
  • They don’t have a good family life or have problems at home which they want to escape from
  • They like the idea of being loved, having a family, etc.

The first point should be the primary reason we want to get married, while if there are any other factors they should be secondary to that main one.

What is marriage a means for?

In relation to the previous question, once you set your main intention in order, you realize marriage is a means to complete half your deen. It is a tool for raising a family upon the religion in obedience Allah Azzawa Jall. And increase and better yourselves together. Ultimately all this is to please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala and gain Jannah bi’ithnillah.

What is the end?

Thus, we now see that the main goal in our lives shouldn’t be to get married, but to live life in such a way that we can insha’Allah have the Mercy of Allah Azzawa Jall reach us. The end we want is Jannah (Jannatul Firdaus, insha’Allah)!

So we’ve got all that sorted but you still can’t get married…what do you do?

If it’s really not possible for you to get married at the moment, for whatever reason, then there is no point in obsessing over it and thinking about it every moment. If we consider the current situation rationally, we need to ask ourselves: is thinking about it going to change the circumstances? Nope. Accept the reality and stop ‘scouting’ out prospects X years in advance. Put your head down, and occupy your time with good deeds and activities that will please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala. I’m not saying that you won’t think of marriage for the next X years, you will naturally think about it occasionally, but insha’Allah it won’t be on your mind 24/7. Busy yourself with ibadaat, learn more about your deen (there are so many books that one can read insha Allah wa mash’Allah), memorize Qur’an and understand tafsir, volunteer, get involved in projects serving the deen (online or in person), hold fundraisers, etc. And finally, work on yourself, for the sake of Allah AzzawaJall and your akhirah.

Our love for Allah AzzawaJall, and then the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and Jannah should be greater than our love for other humans in this dunya. Make the deen your life and focus. You may still get whispers from Shaytan telling you to impress that brother, but fight away those thoughts and keep on marching forward insha Allah. On the Day of Judgment, you will stand alone with your character and deeds, so don’t lose sight of death and the akhirah.

I would like to briefly address the sisters who believe that they are ready for marriage and can eventually convince their parents (gently and respectfully) or overcome the hurdle that is stopping them. My advice would be to go for it! Marrying young is the sunnah, and if you can marry, then why not? Start researching, learning, and reading books about marriage in Islam, its obligations and sunnah, evaluate yourself and what you realistically want in a spouse. And of course do istikhareh prayer before you make any big decisions.

Source: Amal.S, http://www.habibihalaqas.org/2011/03/marriage-delayed.html

16 Comments to Marriage delayed

  1. feroz alam ali hossain

    Assalamualikum wa rahmatullah,
    Sir i just have some quetion in my mind about how i could make satisfication with my halal waife.i mean that what is wrong if i do with my waife during physycal relation.u know that we do so many thing with our waife for our satisfication.so please let us know that knowlage for not doing any haram with our halal waife.i hope u will understand what i mean. and what actually i want to know.so please sir healp us for not doing any haram…

  2. thanx for such good article,it s very necessary for us because we r totaly diverted,”Allah hame padhne se zyada amal karne ki taufiq de,..ameen”.(enlightning article on Islam).

  3. bint muwaid

    Yes, if you follow all the above, you will be married by Allah’s grace. How about when you are doing all of the above, and you’ve reached an age where you should be married, yet the prospects that come around are people who say things like “oh, the girl is over educated” or “oh, the boy lives with his family”. honestly, Islam was a very simple and straightforward religion, Indo-Pak culture, primarily has defaced the religion. Hopefully, these fools will understand that Islam isn’t about how rich the guy is, or if the girl will live in a joint family.

  4. Assalamu alaikum, thanks for the beautiful article, i love to read these daily thank you!!
    I have a problem, i converted to Islam and searched for a muslim husband, i found one after a year of searching, i went to his country to marry him in Tunisia and after spending 2 months with him there i then returned to my country Canada, it’s been 1 year now since we’ve seen each other in real, we do see each other on skype and msn but it’s getting so hard to live in a marriage this way. I lost my job due to illness and am looking for work now that i feel better. My husband is my half of my deen, i love him with all that i have and would do anything for him. But until i find work again, we can not be togther :'( its heart breaking, we want to start our life togther as husband and wife, but no way to do it as of yet.
    Lately my husband has been talking to me about not having patience to wait any longer for me to sponsor him, iam truly trying my hardest to be with him soon. But i feel that he lost all hope for us ever getting togther again, this is hurting so much, i pray all the time and pray that ALLAH will help us, but he has no patience.
    I want my husband to find patience to wait for me longer, he tells me he loves me more than anything and can’t live without me, but im beggining to wonder if he does if he is telling me he can’t wait another year for me.
    Please do you have some advice as what i can do to save my marriage ?
    Thank you for your time..GOD BLESS YOU!!
    Malaika

    • Assalam to you, dear sister Malaika. I felt so bad when I read your comment. I hope you and your husband will be together very soon. I have been married now for 30 years to a tunisian man, and for the last 11 years we have lived here in Tunisia. I am danish. There is a question that comes to my mind: Why did you leave to go back to Canada, and why are you not coming here now, when you are without work? If not to stay, then at least to be here for a little while. It is not good for your marriage and your mutual relationship, to be apart like this. You need to be together to nourish the love you have, because after all two months is not long. You still have a lot to learn about each other. Make an effort to come here and spend as much time together as possible. That is my advice to you. And may Allah grant you and your husband a happy life together Inshaallah.

    • Rizwan Idrees

      Dear Sister Malaika,

      I will give you a solution soon, I have written names of ALLAH on one paper, you just recite them each day 1000 times, i will send to you soon, INSHA ALLAH everything will be fine,
      My problem is same as yours….

      Regards

  5. Assalamo allaikum, Dear brothers and sisters, my question is that I am an 18 year old guy who lives in NY. I think i want it to get marry because of my sexual desire. What should I do. should i tell my parents, or what ? Please reply me on my Email Address ahsan.1993@yahoo.com …………. Jazakallah

  6. The article has been written with a pure intention of trying to help out Muslim brothers and sisters here, there is no doubt about it. However, I choose to disagree with the writer here. The writer has down played the importance of earlier marriage while comparing it to worshiping Allah.

    We should first understand that marriage is a critical part of our deen and not the part which we can delay for until when it should or will happen and leave it to time.

    Marriage was so simple during the time of Prophet Muhammed PBUH and other respected Khalifahs. Marriage infact was so easy that committing a Zina was extremely difficult. But today, committing Zina is so easy and getting married has become one of the most difficult tasks of ones life. This is the only change, the sexual and emotional desires of human beings are still the same as they were during the time of the Prohpet PBUH.

    So brothers and sisters if the situation is that it is very difficult to get married then we should not compromise with the situation but infact change it. We need to change the system and not compromise on desires.

    May Allah guide us all.

  7. Wa salaam oulaikum, wa ra7matu’Allah ou barakatu,

    I have a really big issue. I have meet with someone from his sister.
    he is a really nice man, and is really kind with me.
    He is sirieus about getting married with me, and always telling me that he wants me as his wife. He told his familly members all about me, and they really happy with me.
    The problem is that he lives in Spain and me in Holland.
    We both have Facebook, and sometimes he puts something on his wall, and there is always a girl responding. But they dont speak as friends with eache other, but more like there is something going on between them.
    When i ask him about it, he gets mad. And saying that there is nothing going on.

    I really need good advice, because i dont want it to go this way, but in an HALAL way.

    Wa salaam oulaikum wa ra7matullah ou barakatu.

  8. @ Mohammed I, may Allah increase your knowledge and make u useful for Islam. you have just said it the way it should be.

    Jazzakallah…….

  9. Rizwan Idrees

    Dear Sister Malaika,

    I will give you a solution soon, I have written names of ALLAH on one paper, you just recite them each day 1000 times, i will send to you soon, INSHA ALLAH everything will be fine,
    My problem is same as yours….

    Regards

    Rizwan

  10. salaam,

    If your life before marriage is a mess (dishonest, filthy, hypocritical) then it will be the same after marriage because no marriage is perfect and no human today is perfect. The point of this article is to help us get our act together so that we don’t lose the big picture by being obsessed about marrying ASAP. Life is bigger than marriage. On the Day of Judgement, if parents will forsake their children then what is to be expected of spouses? However, if we try to clean our character and habits BEFORE marriage then we will be able to find a good partner and work toward earning Jannah together inshaAllah. That’s the goal.

    And Allah swt knows best. May Allah swt forgive us for our disobedience and grant us to change for the better now. ameen.

    ws.

  11. Dear Sister Malaika,

    I am going through the same phase. I have been away from my husband for more than 2 years we are both going through soo much pain because of this delay in sponsorship.

    Please keep me in your prayers 🙁

  12. Alsalam Alykom,

    Malikia, I hope now you are with your husband in Tunisia, you can still get work there and after a while decide together whether to stay in Tunisia or Canada. You should have decided before marriage and you both should be able to choose what the best for you as a couple and be ready to sacrifice for each other. The concept of waiting is really hard. Allah bless you 🙂

  13. You have to wait a bit, marriage is not just about sexual desires. If you find someone at that age, maybe at the age of 23, you will think she/he is not the one. So, you should think carefully

  14. Finally, I want to say, I admire you people, you try to get it the “Halal” way and search for it, while others find the “Halal” and go for the bad things. Allah bless you all. Allhum kawi emanakom 🙂

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