New Mother’s Tears: Advice for Fathers

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By Pure Matrimony -


Author: Aisha Al Hajjar

AFTER the birth of the baby the release of the placenta, which nurtured the baby, means the dismissal of a large hormone-producing organ that the woman’s body has become accustomed to. The resultant hormonal drop is quite sudden and leaves the new mother vulnerable to emotional swings and tears for “no reason.”

In fact, sudden tears are so common in the first few weeks after birth that we have termed it “Baby Blues.” The medical literature states that up to 80% of women “suffer” from Baby Blues. The feelings of sadness and loss are very real for the new mother and typically require no special therapy or treatment. 

However, this can be extremely confusing to her husband who usually is focused only on the gain of a new baby in their life. He has a hard time understanding what she is so upset about.  In fact, she usually cannot put a finger on it herself and therefore isn’t able to articulate it.

Some of the losses a mother may feel include:

  • Loss of freedom, as she now has to always consider baby in everything she does
  • Loss of social life, as some friends or activities may not mix well with a newborn
  • Loss of energy and lack of sleep, as baby demands care around the clock
  • Loss of her body as she realizes it doesn’t just “bounce” back to pre-pregnant shape
  • Loss of privacy, as baby is always there
  • Loss of confidence, as the baby challenges her in ways she never expected
  • Loss of time for herself, as baby’s needs come first
  • Loss of income, at least for now, if she had been working prior to the birth
  • Loss of organization, as she adjusts her time for baby care
  • Loss of control, as birth and motherhood highlight that only Allah is in control

Most of this is just temporary and par for the course of motherhood. Besides that, as the new father sees it, the joy of the new baby far outweighs any perceived loss.

Of course, he’s right. But a wise word for the new father, “Don’t rush to fix everything and don’t give her a list of reasons why she shouldn’t cry.” This will only serve to upset her more and she will feel isolated and alone on top of everything else.

You will serve her better by being aware of her moods and prepare to lovingly hold her while she cries.  Listen if she wants to talk, but don’t try to solve her problems. She needs acknowledgment and validation for her feelings. She needs understanding and permission to go through her feelings so she can let them go. Your loving support in this way will serve her better than any amount of lectures about how happy she should be at this time.

In fact, men would be well served to learn this lesson well and apply it to all episodes of upset in their marriage.  Keep in mind the wise words of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم‎, when he taught us that women are fragile and not meant to be straightened.  Love her as she is and don’t try to fix her.

Abu Huraira رضي الله عنه reported Allah’s Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم‎ as saying:  “Woman is like a rib.  When you attempt to straighten it, you would break it.  And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain in her.”  [Muslim, #3466]

At the same time, it’s important to be aware of signs of more serious depression.  The “Baby Blues” typically start about 3 days after birth and vanish within two weeks.  If your wife’s sadness seems severe or prolonged, it’s essential to seek help.  You can get more information about postpartum depression online from Postpartum Support International.


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