Overcoming a Broken Heart

Post Rating

Rate this post
By Pure Matrimony -

Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr

This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]

Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

Step 3: Be proactive

Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

Step 4: Move on

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.

Source: www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?290510-Getting-Over-a-Broken-Heart-The-Islamic-Way

43 Comments to Overcoming a Broken Heart

  1. but what if I’m already married to the person I love the MOST, and we are having some issues? Is it not true that Allah chooses the best for me? Then doesn’t that mean if I’m married, they must have been my suit? If so, doesn’t that mean I shouldn’t break up with them, instead try and resolve the issues if I still love them with all their faults??
    Please reply to my email with your views on my comment.
    Thank you. Jazak’allah

    • Subhanallah! Allah (SWT) never makes mistakes. The man you married is the right and suitable person for you, if your marriage is going smooth, the way you want it, then masha Allah. But if you have a problem, don’t take the impression that your husband wasn’t the right one for you, he is. The problems you have are just trials to test your iman. When Allah loves a person He sends trials to them to make them strong. So pls take heart and keep praying to Allah for help. Insha Allah all will be well. And one more thing, the greatest accomplishment of satan is to destroy a marriage, please I beg you don’t let him get to you. I hope I helped you. May Allah be with you.

  2. Assalawalaikum,

    I have been looking for ways to mend my broken heart, we sacrificed our love to make his parents happy as they were unhappy with our relation. Its been 2 years now and iv been a living heartache and he too inspite of being married to another woman. Somehow this pain kept pushing me away from Allah SWT as i felt guilty that i had sinned,i read somewhere that love is forbidden in islam. Your article has come as a ray of light in my dark life. Thank you so much for clearing the blocks i had placed between me and Allah SWT.I just cant thank you enough. Perhaps i can get out of the pain now. Do pray for me.


  3. Do not use the Qadar as an excuse for your actions as Allah has given you a brain, free will, freedom and choice to walk the path you want left, right or straight ahead. You do not know the future, even though it was already written. So you are responsible for your action or inaction.Hadith Narrated by Jabir Ibn Jarir recorded from Jabir bin `Abdullah that he said, “O Messenger of Allah! Are we pe…rforming deeds for something that has already been predetermine…d or is the matter based upon what we are just doing (now)” The Prophet replied, (It is a matter that has been predetermined.) Then Suraqah said, “Then what is the purpose of deeds” The Messenger of Allah then said, (Everyone who does deeds will have his deeds made easy for him.) Muslim also recorded this Hadith.

  4. Asalaam my dear brothers n sisters, im in love with a christian girl n its the first love for me n my second most intense test that ALLAH placed upon me, the thing is she hasn’t admitted to love me or she doesn’t, bt whn we talked recently she asked me if i’d change to a christian inorder to marry her, maybe she ws jus jokin bt iv neva felt anythin like that in my life n its confusing. I knw tht ALLAH has set great things to happen in my life, could it be possible tht ALLAH may have influenced this feeling over me as a test or punishment? Or is it the work of sheitan pullin me towardas his ways? Why would i feel something so intense for someone who i cant ever have? I knw tht ALLAH has accepted a marriage between people of the book as long as they convert to ISLAM but he doesnt advice it. All i wnt is tht she loves me enough n convert to islam n since my knowledge in deen is not that good i hope we’d learn together deen in a holy matrimony .I pray n hope that u all pray for me that i get a pous spouse that ALLAH has written for me for his sake. Inshaalah. Ameen.

    • hi brother,,we are in same situation,,but too bad for me coz i marry him even he is a christian,,i was a christian before and converted islam when i was a single,,i love allah very much,,i still pray and listened to quran but im not happy in my marriage life,,now i dont know if i stay in our marriage or not but one thing for sure,,i die as a muslim…

  5. i would like to thank you for this amazing article. this is how i felt about love but did not know how to really put it in words. Inshallah i will pass it on.

  6. As-salaam-walaikum!
    i am goin thru unbearable heart-break.i was madly in luv wth my hsband and i felt he was evrything 4 me..until he startd abusing me and became violent.soon he startd maligning my reputation n threatening me wth divorce.soon,he startd threatening 2 murder me n i had 2 run off 2 my parents.my in-laws were also v.rude 2 me.i got divorced frm him..but still i am not able 2 forget him.i dream of him everyday.i dont knw why he did this 2 me.If he was my life-partner destined by Allah-why did this happen.mine was an arranged marriage.i am still heart-breakingly in luv wth my hsband..

    • may Allah give u sabar honey…. indeed after every hardship therez relief…. believe in Allah st .. he do test his servants with everything…. he always have a bigger n better plans for us .. he ll certainly make ways for u … who else can heal our wounds apart from him……… n believe me sister if ur innocent u ll get d reward not only in this world also in the hearafter… indeed he is with sabareen….. may Allah bless u with the isteqamat ov eman and sabar….

  7. Dear Brother, In my experience these type of feelings will cloud your mind, like a drug. The drug analogy is very good. Any advice given to you about walking away will fall on deaf ears unless you’re very strong, but I will try as I’ve a lot more life experience than you. The shaitan uses these feeling to lure you into dangerous situations. You will justify being with her so you can speak to her about Islam, well in Islam there is a reason for men and women not to spend time alone together because the Shaitan is the third one present. If she said about you converting for her than she in not interested in Islam at all. Before the point where temptation might over take you let her go, Brother. It will hurt like your head and heart will explode but you will get past it and in time you will realise how Allah has protected you. Trust in Him and He will reward you for your Subur .

  8. This is an amazing article and has really answered a lot of questions for me – Allah swt is the best decider of all affairs.

  9. Assalaamu ‘alaykum and JazakalLaah Khair for his article; it really is very helpfu and valuable. More should be discussed on issues such as this for Muslims as this is not uncommon, yet the topic is completely absent from most mosque pulpits. Heart-break is a really hard thing to deal with, especially if, like I experienced, someone protects her heart and guards it, not letting herself indulge in teenage crushes and not allowing her emotions to run wild, then after years of searching and waiting and guarding and praying, when a good marriage proposal finally comes along and she does Isstikhara and gains the support of her parents, family etc, but soon after marriage, right in the middle of the ‘falling in love’ stage, he makes a feeble excuse and ends the marriage. For a long time, it did not feel it was worth it to try again, but after the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ subsided substantially, I am now able to realise that this experience was something I somehow needed to go through and that if marriage is in my future, AlLaah will (I hope) bring me someone much better for me, insha-AlLaah. The key is to pray, not for what your heart most desires, but that your heart learns to desire what AlLaah chooses for us.

    I beseech Thee, O AlLaah, to please make me content with what You have destined for me and grant peace within my heart, aameen.

  10. Done everything on this article. Feelings have gone worse =( he’s in my head evryday even tho I’ve done evrything on this article! But I trust ALLAH with all my heart =) any more advice? Salams

      • I started fasting in order to overcome this feeling. I am still in the process and I am sure, ALLAH SALAWALT will soon make me overcome all this. INSHALLAH

  11. Pls help me. im so confused. I got married to a guy frm a different culture n it took my dad 3 yrs to accept but eventually Alhamdullilah it worked out n everyone was happy that he wasnt the type to folow his community ways of betrayal. I av been married for 5yrs now n av 3 beautiful children Masha Allah but from d moment wev got married. he is different. he is neva at home hardly around even for his children, he doesnt help, ignores me n never ever av we ad a proper husband wife conversation. We av neva talked thru problems so dev just carried on building. Everytime i try talk about problems, kids, life he ignores the whole conversation n eventually
    wen i get angry hel say sumtin awful and walk off. ive done every type of talking, loving , angry, sad , i cant cry in frnt of people so dat doesnt cum often but he jus dnt respond and now it seems my heart is closing up. i jus want to leave him. i work cook clean look afta kids im always alone wit hardly any adult cinversation. i do all the night shifts wit our kids n still wake erly but most of all im really tryin to b a beta muslim doin my prayers no gossipin bikebiting n all dats necessary to attain Janat fir my loved ones but still no reaction. he diesnt guve any money tiwards our home family or kids n me. Im suffocating in this marriage as he listens to his friends but not me. Im still livin a single life evn thou married but for our kids sake im not divorcing. but i dnt want my kids growing up to think this is marriage. i grew up in a lovin home wit both my parents i want my kuds to see that. What do i do????

  12. Masha Allah. I really benefited a lot from this article. Surely with every difficulty there is an ease. Insha Allah with time I believe everything will be history. May Allah subhanahu wata’ala gives us the right spouse that will lead us to the straight path of islamic deen, ameen. Thank you very much and May Allah reward you for sharing this knowledgeable article.

  13. i read the article like hundred times but still many things arnt clear to me.NO doubt that its ALLAHs will and wisdom which governs every decision in any ones life,But if there are two people together arnt they together in the first place cause Allah brought them together??.is any one telling me that if Allah wills He cant separate them?,MasALLah HE can.so my confusion is that instead of thinking other person wasnt made for you or Allahs will isnt in u people being together,THINK that its ALLAHs will that you people are together in the first place and if u people are still together even in that being together ALLahs will lies in it OR IF ALLAH DID NOT WANTED THE TWO TO BE TOGETHER,THOSE TWO WOULD NEVER HAD BEEN TOGETHER,facing tough times,times when u think u might have taken some wrong step earlier is very common.instead of being narrow minded and thinking ALLAH doesnt want the two to be together(which is totally wrong as HE would have separated the two when ever HE wishes ) believe in Allah as HE brought you to be together and its His will that you people are still together.loving some one with in the limits of religion islam is not some thing people can term un islamic.its a test of your faith,its a test of your words and in the end its a test of your promises.pass that test people,ALLah wants to check you people,wants to check how firm u are.

  14. very hlpful for me i have been suffring for 2 years nd still, exact to the same as this article….
    i ve tried several times to get off virtual love of someone but shay’tan trying so hard over me and after some months back to nd reminding then i pineaway with her ,but m still trying so hard to get off and that i will convert virtual love to real love.
    now vry trouble and fighting situation in my heart..pray pray pray….
    ” hum or ghair baham yakjah na hongay woh hongay to hum na hongay hum hongay to woh na hongay”

  15. As salaamu alay’kum wa rahmatullah wa’ba rakatuh,

    This advise was given to me by Sheikh Gamal Solaiman Lecturer and head of Shari’ah Council of the Muslim College.

    The mind is more powerful then the heart, reason can over ride emotion. We cannot be certain about destiny until it actually happens. We must trust Allah in all that happens to us good or bad. If life goes according to our plans we say Alhamdulilah and if it does not then we still say Alhamdulilah please Allah give me better then what i have lost?

    We are only here for a short time and everything is temporary, if we truely believe in Allah then will face trial upon trial. We may have to struggle for a little while but insha’Allah we can come out of it stronger and better.

    Almost everyone experiences heartache at one point in their life. Love is a powerful emotion, but its up to us how we utilise it? Will we let the actions of others break us or will we respond in accordance to Qur’an and Sunnah and let that make us?

    Life wont always come and pat you on the back. Life wants you to be strong! Be brave, show courage at the face of sorrow and grief.

    There are various ayahs in the Qur’an and narrations of the prophet (s.a.w) to encourage us to move on and move forward.

    We should recheck our emaan and the extent to which we are following the Qur’an and Sunnah, at the end of the day our lovers wont enter the grave with us and answer our questions for us, we will.

    So why waste time? if someone does not want to stand by your side fine! peace be with them, they go there way, you go yours.

    Jannah is the ultimate residing place of the rightous and Allah promised they will have spouses of purity for eternity.

    So be patient and strive for the Akhirah. Put your hope, trust and love in Allah, reform yourself, seek that which will benefit your dunya for the akhirah and go for it.

    Insha’Allah may Allah make it easy for us all ameen.

  16. may Allah give u sabar honey…. indeed after every hardship therez relief…. believe in Allah st .. he do test his servants with everything…. he always have a bigger n better plans for us .. he ll certainly make ways for u … who else can heal our wounds apart from him……… n believe me sister if ur innocent u ll get d reward not only in this world also in the hearafter… indeed he is with sabareen….. may Allah bless u with the isteqamat ov eman and sabar….

  17. My husband and i got married a year ago, prior to that we got to know eachother for 6months and then got married. A month ago my husband asked me to leave his home, he wanted time apart to think about things. i have tried to contact him to reconcile but he doesnt want to. we have had many arguments and disagreements in the past year, but we have also had alot of good times together too. I love my husband alot. But my fear is he may want to divorce me becuase its only been a year and becuase things havent gone the way he wanted them too..My question is- surely Allah wanted us to get married becuase we were both right for each other, if we werent Allah wouldnt have let us get married. Surely our marriage needs more time to blossom, we should try and resolve our issues instead of jumping the gun. Do you think i am worrying for no reason? Please reply back with your comments and any recommendations.

  18. Assalamu’alaikum wbt,

    i currently going through a divorce (in which until now i dont what is the real reason because we both have a smooth sailing marriage) until i am sick on 2010 and now i am seeking my medical treatment in my place, and when i am away, my husband announce a divorce on my because of my sickness. until now i am still mentally breakdown and please make du’aa for me. jzkk

  19. I can see the pain you are going through. I have been through a hell of a time also but miraculously, ALLAH found a way out for me. My marriage was arranged and I lived with him for 10 whole years had 3 kids. I never thought of getting any divorce or separation but I always prayed to ALLAH to keep me n my kids away from sin n bad deeds. He was alcoholic n had almost every bad habit a Practicing Muslim tried to avoid. One day, he asked me to be friends with his friends. that was the last day for me at his place. I left with the kids n then never went back. I dint want to go to the court for filing the divorce but I always prayed to ALLAH to keep me away from me n find the better n most respectful way for me to leave him. He divorced me while he was drunk n I got freed on the 29th of Ramadan when I had prayed almost all night n during Ziker I begged ALLAH to free me from his name.
    Trust me, ALLAH will surely find a better way. You have pure intention and ALLAH never lets it go like this. INSHALLAH, you will find peace. I was very heart broken after all this but now I think that all this brought me closer to my ALLAH, I am happier now as I always wanted to get close to ALLAH.
    May ALLAH bring peace in your life.

  20. Salaam, this link was helpful when dealing with sisters who were seeking advice on “broken hearts” and relationships, but the question they asked was what does Lahw al Mahfooz mean?
    Jazakallah khair.

  21. As salamalikum

    I need help. I am facing very tough heart break. It 1 year plus I took Khula from my husband, it was my second marriage, and I loved and trusted him. I was madly in love with him but he cheated me. I came to know that he is a womenizer and have haram kind of relations. When our son was six months old I have to leave him, the one who was very precious in my life. After my first divorce 10 years I searched a religious and pious man, he made me and my family fool.
    After marriage 5 or 6 months we were happy. He never stayed with me in same house, I was living with my parents, when I tell him to take me to his house he start giving excuses. He was not even disclosing our marriage to his parents, he use to say please give me some time. He use to visit my parents house to meet me. Then he started abusing me and violent, as Iwe were blessed to become parents, so my elders informed his parents and they accepted me happily Alhamdullila bit he was still ignoring me. After I was blessed with son Alhamdullila, he too became good, my hopes got increased that every thing is goimy to be good now but then also he did not took us to his house nor stayed with us. Then again he started abusive language and went off for few months, again he came apologies things got little good and all of a sudden one and my family came to know about his haram activity, so I took Khula.

    I never expected that he can do all this. I loved him thinking that he is a righteous and a good man who love and fear Allah swt. Till today the image of him my mind made and loved him I am unable to forget him. Some time I feel like may I get the death so that I can get him out of my brain. I put my self in work like stiching and cooking reading Quran writing on Islamic blog but I still have pain. I want to get married again thinking if this time Allah blessed me with a pious and caring spouse, it will heal my wounds. I love my son alot I want to live with him, I want to see him growing up. But marriages are so difficult to happen after 10 years of waiting faced another disaster.

    Please show me a way to come out of is, a way to remove him from my brain, a way to be a thankful slave of Allah swt.
    Please help me.

    JazakAllah Khair

  22. This article has helped me so much by the will of Allah. My heart is in turmoil. Al Hamdulillah this article has soothed me somewhat Allahu musta an.

  23. I was reading this article again and again.. its such a wonderful inspiration article for those who had broken. I am going on such a difficult time with my wife and couldnt talk with my kids. I put everything to Allah to ease my problems. But the Pain is still unbearable. I believe in Qadr, and hope for the pleasant wave in my life with the grace of Almighty. The more the pain is, I try to put my faith and trust with Allah the more. Pray for me.

  24. As salaam wale kum,
    i am searching for pious muslimah(reverted or orphan or muslimah in difficult situation) from India for marriage . Plz contact me.
    Jazak Allaaah Khair

  25. Assalamualaikum, sometimes ago. Mufti Ismail Menk post on his wall dat I quote “The Almighty chooses our parents, children and siblings without us having a say in it but asks us to choose our spouses, so choose wisely”. Dis is Y it is recommended of us 2 perform istikhaarah so as 2 be rightfully guided by Allah in Making our decisions. Bt I find myself in a situation whereby on several occasions I av performed istikhaarah, yet my heart still feels glued 2 dis man. Then I keep wonderin wit fear, wot if I’m still inlove wit the wrong person?, wot if he is nt destined 4 me?, Bt we are given the choice 2 choose our spouse by Allah. What do I do? Bt I’m still prayin though. Pls I need a reply

    • wa alaikum salam sister,

      The thing about istikharah is you need to hold fast to the decision you made before praying it and seek Allah’s guidance. If you read the meaning of the dua you would know that if the decision you made is good for you in this world and hereafter it will happen. If it isn’t good Allah would prevent it. But whatever be the outcome you need to have a firm belief in Allah’s decision as He is the Best of planners. Please don’t waver in your decision after praying Istikharah. May Allah make it easy for you.

  26. I was married for last 9 years and was living with my inlaws in london.

    my husband divorced me last April. I was facing problem in my marriage. i began to know the problem since i was 3 months into my marriage. my husband was into some bad habit which disturbed me a lot. i loved him and i tried every thing to cope with the situation because i loved him from the heart and he loved me too. He knew that his actions was wrong . for first 7 years i stayed calm but from inside i was actually killing my self.

    then i involved my parents into this and the situation get worse, my husband then divorced me in April and i came to Lahore. i was of the view that he will get me back as he used to love me but he didn’t do any thing to get me back in his life. My 3 MONTHS had passed now i am divorced.

    I cant get over this trauma. i still love him. he comes to my dream and in my dream he is always calm and gives me feeling that he misses me too. I usually see him in blood like some time his lower clothes are cover in blood and in recent dream his chest had cuts and fresh blood was coming out of it.

    I don’t see a life without him. what can i do to handle this situation. please guide me………..

  27. Subhanallah, this was an extremely helpful article. I am going through this “heartbreak”, as I was considering a brother for marriage who was religious, soft and caring, and had a nice beard (LOL); however, my parents decided that he was still immature and not making good life decisions. I suppose I was looking at it all through rose-colored glasses, but now the pain is almost unbearable. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Allah knows best.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Check Out Our New Mobile App!!

Muslim Marriage Guide Mobile Application