Shiriki Hii
Mwandishi: Warda Krimi
Warda Krimi anaonyesha jinsi ndoa za masafa marefu zinavyoweza kufanya kazi.
It is He who created you from one soul and created from it its mate that he might dwell in security with her. (Al-A'raf:189)
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“So,” he announced from the Skype screen, “now you need to tell me why you’re angry with me.”
I had tried to bury my hurt, to get over it on my own without making waves, but he always knew. So I told him: two days earlier he’d made a joke that had wounded my feelings.
As usual, far from being repentant, he was annoyed and quick to justify himself; it was as if he’d assumed that I was calling into question his worth as a human being. Why couldn’t he understand me? I sank deeper into despair as he grew more frustrated and annoyed at my “failure” to see his reason.
When I’d been with Ahmed in person, there hadn’t been this tension between us; we would talk problems over in a reasonable way and quickly reach an agreement. But now, in our on-screen meetings, we often make molehills into mountains. Conflicts quickly escalate and communications become misconstrued, especially if the cameras aren’t streaming and we can’t see each other’s facial expressions and body language.
“I have to go,” he finally said, “but I want to come back later and resolve this. Will you be online?”
I looked down and shook my head.
“Why are you so angry?” he asked.
“It’s not anger,” I whimpered.
“What is it then?”
“Desolation!” I tearfully blurted out.
He nodded thoughtfully. “‘Desolation,’” he mused, then gently remarked, “Every day you learn a new big word.”
Suddenly the humour of my own melodramatic pretensions hit me like a tidal wave, and I burst out laughing. “Ahmed," Nilisema, “no matter what happens, nakupenda!”
Need I say that we met again later and worked it all out?
A world of connection
The world has changed in such a way as to make long distance marriages more and more feasible and common. There’s nothing new about troops stationed on foreign soil, immigration red tape, and separate careers within families, but it’s only been recently that the internet and cheap long distance phone rates have rendered marriages much easier to nurture during times of geographical separation.
I love digital technology! If it weren’t for the internet, I would never have met and married my best friend, soulmate, and deen partner, Ahmed. I also would never have met his wonderful family and friends. He wouldn’t have met my family and friends. And we wouldn’t have been able to maintain our rapport and develop our budding relationship through the long wait for his visa.
The Pluses
My sister-in-law once remarked, “You’re so lucky! You get to talk to your husband face-to-face for an hour every day!” In her busy life with four small children, an hour a day of uninterrupted dialogue with her husband seems as remote as Tahiti.
The fact that online meetings have to be directly one-on-one is truly a blessing worth counting! I’ve even become a bit spoiled— if my husband checks his emails or answers chat message from a friend while he’s online with me on Skype, I sometimes feel miffed. That little island of time with him is so precious I don’t want anything invading it!
Another advantage to separation is that when couples are forced to spend time apart, they aren’t quite so ready to take each other for granted afterwards. When you’re back together and feeling annoyed about socks on the floor, you can just remind yourself of how hard it was to be apart, na ufurahi kwamba mwenzi wako yuko karibu nawe!
Wakati miezi ya mwanzo ya ndoa inatumiwa kwa mbali, hii wakati mwingine huanzisha muktadha wa manufaa unaoendelea kwa muda mrefu. Ninajua wanandoa mmoja ambao walizungumza kwenye simu kila siku wakati mume alikuwa ametumwa ng'ambo. Sasa kwa kuwa wanaishi pamoja tena, kila wanapokuwa na mjadala ambao unaanza kuwa wa kusuasua, mume anasema, “Nipigie simu,” na wanakwenda kwenye vyumba tofauti ili kukamilisha mazungumzo kwa njia ya simu. Wamejifunza kuwa hii inasaidia kupunguza mvutano huku wakiwakumbusha jinsi wanavyobahatika kuwa pamoja!
Changamoto
Sio yote ya kupendeza. Ndoa nyingi huvunjika kama matokeo yasiyo ya moja kwa moja ya kutengana kwa kijiografia. Cha kusikitisha, katika baadhi ya kesi, the human need for intimate connection seeks satisfaction in haram ways. It can be hard to maintain trust when you know you can’t be a garment for your spouse when you fear to give in to temptation because you aren’t getting the physical reassurance of love that we all need.
The lack of relationship security can also increase tension in the relationship. Mara nyingine, in our sense of helplessness and frustration, we blame each other for things over which we have no control, demanding that the other jump through hoops to prove his or her love.
Kwa sababu hizi, and in obedience to Allah (SWT), we need to avail ourselves of every tool at our disposal for keeping our marriages strong and happy, even at a distance! Pay close attention to these distance-bridging techniques. Some of them may surprise you, lakini wamethibitishwa kufanya kazi!
Njia za kukabiliana
1. Mweke mwenzi wako kwenye pedestal!
Katika mahusiano ya umbali mrefu, uboreshaji unaweza kweli kuimarisha afya ya muda mrefu ya ndoa, kuruhusu washirika kupuuza udhaifu wa kila mmoja na kuzingatia mazuri.
2. Mhakikishianeni kuhusu upendo wenu.
Fanya hili kuwa wajibu wa kila siku, jambo unalofanya nje ya nyakati zako za kawaida za mikutano. Andika ‘Onyesha upendo fulani!' katika ajenda yako kila siku na kisha uweke hoja ya kutuma ujumbe wa upendo, chapisho la kimapenzi kwenye Facebook, au maandishi ya simu ili kumwonyesha mpenzi wako kwamba yeye yuko kwenye akili na moyo wako kila wakati.
3. Endelea kuwasiliana.
Studies of couples reunited after years of separation because of war showed that the couples who didn’t divorce after reuniting were those who wrote regular letters to each other while the husband was off fighting. So share, deeply and often. Never silence each other or cut the connection without a proper goodbye. Talk about what’s going on around you, even things that you probably wouldn’t bother mentioning in person. Amini usiamini, chatting about your neighbour’s new baby or your uncle’s surgery can help maintain a sense of closeness.
4. Respect each other’s feelings.
Don’t dismiss your partner’s frowns, sighs, or tears simply because they don’t make sense to you. Accept that this is how they feel and freely offer your support.
5. Tumaini, mpango, na fantasize pamoja.
Kuweka picha ya safari zako za baadaye za kupiga kambi na kupanga mapambo yako ya sebuleni kutakufanya uwekeze kwenye ndoa na kukutayarisha kuwa pamoja ana kwa ana..
6. Endelea kusoma Qur’an na Hadith.
Saidianeni katika Dini yenu na jadili kile ambacho umekuwa ukijifunza na jinsi umekuwa ukikua kiroho. Usisahau kwamba msingi wa kiroho wenye nguvu na wenye rutuba ndio msingi wenye nguvu zaidi wa ndoa.
7. Ombeni kwa ajili ya kila mmoja na kwa ajili ya ndoa yenu katika kila swala.
Omba du'a kila unapofikiria. Muombe Mwenyezi Mungu (SWT) itakuepusha wewe na mwenzi wako kutokana na dhambi na madhara na hayo mawazo yako, maneno, na vitendo vitampendeza (SWT). Haitoshi tu "kukaa kwenye ndoa"!
Hakuna ndoa yenye afya bila Allah (SWT) kichwani mwake. Mume na mke wanapompenda na kujinyenyekeza Kwake kikamilifu, upendo unaweza kweli kuchanua na kukua katika hali yoyote.
Ni wazi kutokana na kuchunguza maandiko kwamba Mwenyezi Mungu (SWT) hataki wenzi wa ndoa waendelee tu kufunga ndoa kwa sababu ya wajibu, kuuma risasi wakati mambo yanapokuwa magumu. Mungu (SWT), katika huruma yake isiyo na kikomo, anataka tuwe na ndoa zenye furaha, ndoa ambazo hazitubariki sisi tu, bali pia familia zetu na Ummah.
Miongoni mwa kumbukumbu zangu za kupendeza ni nyakati ambazo Ahmed angejiunga na familia yangu na marafiki kwa hafla maalum kupitia Skype. Katika mkusanyiko mmoja kama huo rafiki yangu alizungumza naye kwa ukali wa dhihaka, "Ikiwa utawahi kufanya chochote ili kumuumiza, tunakuja nyuma yako!”
Bila kusitisha, Ahmed alijibu, “Sasa hivi yuko na wewe, na usipomtunza vyema, Ninakuja nyuma yako!”
Kila mtu alicheka vizuri, isipokuwa mimi. Nilikuwa bize sana kurudia Alhamdulillahs moyoni mwangu.
Warda Krimi ni mwandishi wa habari wa Kanada ambaye alisilimu katika 2010. Sasa anaishi Montreal na anaandikia mashirika kadhaa ya Kiislamu, ikiwemo Ielewe Quran Academy.
Katika Ndoa Safi, Tunasaidia 50 watu kwa wiki wanaoa!
Acha Jibu