மூல: முனிரா லெகோவிக் எஸெல்டின்,http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/spouse/hurting-homes/
Abuse is a topic that many Muslims shy away from because it is uncomfortable to tackle an issue that is complex and appears unsolvable. Many times when I address the topic of marriage, I clarify that the strategies I suggest do not apply to abusive relationships. இன்னும், what I have learned is that people who are in abusive relationships don’t acknowledge the abuse and instead try to do everything to “fix” their marriage and resolve the unhappiness they feel. Abusive relationships have a completely different dynamic and “marriage advice” cannot solve the problem of abuse. Sadly people do not understand that an abusive relationship is a dysfunctional relationship, therefore the only way the relationship can change is if both husband and wife get professional counseling because without intervention the abuse will only get worse and the relationship will continue to deteriorate.
Despite acknowledgements in our community that abuse does exist in Muslim homes, most victims and perpetrators of abuse claim that abuse happens to “other people,” in homes where there is “no taqwa (கடவுள் உணர்வு)” or abusers are those who are “uneducated.” However, abuse exists across all socio-economic levels, cultures, levels of education, and religiosity. Abuse is a social problem that exists with young and old alike. Patterns of abuse can be seen in young couples even before marriage as well as long-married couples with children.
At the heart of an abusive relationship is the concept of maintaining power and control over another person. An abuser can be either a man or a woman, however statistically most abuse cases involve the male as the aggressor. According the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on Intimate Partner Violence (2003), women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence and men for approximately 15%. இந்த கட்டுரையில், I will address women who are abused and in a subsequent article, I will address the issue of men who are abused.
How does abuse manifest itself? Many people think of abuse as a man throwing a woman across a room, punching and slapping her, leaving her with bruises. This type of physical abuse is easy to recognize, yet there are several ways people are abused that are equally damaging and have negative consequences on the individual and the relationship. Abuse has many forms and that is why people may be reluctant or even unable to identify abuse.
Consider this example of one type of abuse before marriage. See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.
Asma met Ahmed in the youth group. He was a charismatic leader and she thought he was funny and smart. They liked each other and their parents knew that they might make a good match. Asma and Ahmed communicated often via text and phone calls and Ahmed expressed that he cared a lot about her. He was very chivalrous. Once when he saw another boy at school checking her out in the hallway, he told her that she had to protect herself and should dress more modestly so other guys wouldn’t check her out. Asma found his concern for her very sweet. He would text her several times a day and ask her what she was doing and where she was going. He told her he wanted to marry her after they finished school and that he didn’t want any other guy even looking at her. She really liked him and wanted to be his wife. He gave her advice to stay away from friends who were a bad influence on her and would lead her astray. Advice like this only reinforced her feelings that he cared a lot about her well-being and safety. One day after school, he offered to give her a ride home since it was raining. She was so thankful to get out of the rain, she jumped into the car and headed toward her home. As they drove and chatted about their day, he suddenly pulled the car over and leaned in and kissed her. She was taken aback that he was so bold to kiss her, but she also felt thrilled that he liked her so much. They didn’t say anything. Her stomach had butterflies because she knew that good Muslim girls don’t kiss boys in cars, but she also reminded herself they would get married soon and he just couldn’t wait to be with her. அதிக நேரம், he stole more kisses and when she told him she didn’t want to do that anymore because she thought it was wrong, he would get upset and feared she would leave him. Out of fear he threatened that if she broke up with him, he would tell the whole world what she was doing with him and then she would never get married. She was confused and scared; what if her parents found out? What if the community knew what she was doing? She knew he loved her and cared about her so she succumbed to his demands. She pleaded with him to get married, so they could make everything right, but he dismissed her feelings and told her that he would decide when the right time was to get married. Asma loved Ahmed but she felt guilty about what their relationship had turned into, she just wanted to marry him and not sneak around to be with him. She couldn’t take it anymore, she told Ahmed they would have to stay away from each other until they were at least engaged. He was outraged because he thought she was teasing him on purpose so he threatened to rape her if she didn’t stay with him. He reminded her that no man would ever want to marry her if word of what she had done got out. She was his and he would never let her go. Asma felt scared and stuck; she didn’t know what to do.
Abuse is a violation of a person’s human and civil rights. It follows a pattern of behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, காயம், humiliate, blame, injure or wound another person. இஸ்லாமியம் உள்ள, abuse is not tolerated on any level, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (ஸல்) reminds us “He is the best amongst you who is the kindest towards his wives….”
Abuse can be economic, வாய்மொழி, உணர்ச்சி, physical and sexual. According to mentalhelp.com the types of abuse are explained as follows:
Economic Abuse occurs when a person is prevented from getting or keeping a job, or the abuser takes the person’s income or money and does not let them know or have access to the family income. The abuser may also hide money from the family.
Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves ‘putdowns’ and name-calling intended to make a person feel they are unworthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If a person speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were “just a joke,” and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to a person’s self-worth and self-respect.
Emotional Abuse occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person’s sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Emotional abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content (such as threats, coercion and intimidation) designed to force a person to comply with the abuser’s wishes and it is designed to cause emotional pain to a person in an attempt to gain their compliance and counter any resistance. Like verbal abuse, emotional abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on but can cause serious psychological effects.
Physical Abuse occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve slaps, pushes, twisting arms, கடித்தல், punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching and grabbing. Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse is also the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser.
Sexual Abuse is usually connected to physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse and emotional abuse. Sexual abuse includes any sort of unwanted sexual contact perpetrated by an abuser. பாலியல் துஷ்பிரயோகம் கட்டாயப்படுத்தி அல்லது பாலியல் வன்முறை உடலுறவு அல்லது நிகழ்ச்சி ஒரு நபர் கையாள்வது உள்ளது, பாலுறவின் போது ஒரு நபர் கீழே வைத்திருக்கும், செக்ஸ் மேற்கொள்வதற்கு உடல் ஒரு நபர் அல்லது வலிக்கிறது பாலுறவின் போது ஆயுதங்கள் அல்லது பொருட்களை ஒரு நபர் வலிக்கிறது.
திருமணத்திற்குப் பிறகு துஷ்பிரயோகம் பற்றிய ஒரு வகை பின்வரும் உதாரணத்தைப் கவனியுங்கள். See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.
ஆயிஷா கல்லூரியில் நண்பர்கள் மூலம் அப்துல்லா சந்தித்தார். அவர் ஒரு சட்டம் மாணவர் இருந்ததன் காரணமாக அவரால் அரசியல் அறிவியல் அவரது இளங்கலை பட்டம் வரை முடிக்கும் சமயத்தில். அவர்கள் அரசியல் மற்றும் இஸ்லாமியம் பற்றி விவாதிப்பார் மற்றும் மூன்று மாதங்களுக்கு ஆளாகியிருக்கிறது. அவர் பட்டப்படிப்பு பிறகு அவர்கள் விரைவில் திருமணம் செய்துகொண்டார், அவர்களுக்கு திருமணம் முடித்த பிறகு இல்லை நீண்ட கிடைத்தது, அவர் கர்ப்பமாக கிடைத்தது அவர்கள் இரட்டைக் குழந்தைகள் பிறந்தன. அப்துல்லா நிறுவனத்தின் நீண்ட நேரம் வேலை மற்றும் மறைந்த வீட்டிற்கு வருவீர்கள், தீர்ந்துவிட்டது, அவருடைய நாளில் இருந்து வலியுறுத்தினார். ஆயிஷா இரட்டையர்களில் பாதுகாப்பு வீட்டில் தங்கி இருந்தது, அப்துல்லா அது வேலை அவளை தேவையற்ற இருந்ததன் காரணமாக அவரால் குழந்தைகள் கவலை வீட்டில் இருக்க வேண்டும் என்று உணர்ந்தேன். ஆயிஷா அவரிடம் சவால், ஆனால் அவர் இஸ்லாமியம் அவரது என்று நினைவுபடுத்தினார், பெண் தன் கணவர் கீழ்ப்படிய வேண்டும். ஆயிஷா அவருடன் இந்த புள்ளி வாதிட்டார் ஆனால் இறுதியில் அமைதி வைக்க தனது கோரிக்கையில் பின்பற்றி வீட்டில் அம்மா ஒரு தங்க ஆனார். அவள் இரட்டையர்களில் அக்கறை இருந்து சோர்வடைந்து விட்டால், அவர் வேலை தனது வாழ்நாள் நாளுக்கு ஒரு அமைதியான வீட்டிற்கு வர வேண்டும் என்பதற்காக ஆனால் அப்துல்லா வீட்டில் வந்தபோது உறுதி குழந்தைகள் fussing இல்லை செய்ய குறிப்பாக கவனமாக இருந்தார். ஆயிஷா அவர்கள் வாழ்ந்த மிக சில நண்பர்கள் இருந்ததால் அப்துல்லா நேரத்தை செலவழித்து தவற விட்டுவிட்டேன் தான் அவர் அவளை ஆதரவு இருந்தது. அவள் மிகவும் அவனை நேசித்தேன் அவரை மகிழ்ச்சியுடன் செய்ய எதுவும் செய்யமாட்டார்கள். Abdullah was frustrated that he could never get a full night’s sleep because the twins woke up crying at night. One night when they woke up crying, Abdullah was extremely agitated with Aisha that she couldn’t get them back to sleep. He had just fallen asleep and would have to get up for work in 3 மணி. He quickly walked into the twins’ room and roughly picked up one of the twins. Aisha went after him and reached to touch his shoulder to calm him down but he pushed her away and yelled at her for “getting involved” while he was trying to parent. She explained that she was trying her best and she was just as tired as he was. He slapped her for talking to him like that and told her to never insult him again. ஆயிஷா அவரது திடீர் எழுச்சி அதிர்ச்சியும் அவள் அவனை கீழே அமைதிப்படுத்த முயற்சித்தார் அவள் இரட்டையர்கள் அக்கறை போது படுக்கைக்கு சென்று அவரை ஊக்கப்படுத்தினார் இருந்தது. அடுத்த நாள், அவளுடன் சரிபார்த்து பார்க்க நாட்டின் பல்வேறு பகுதிகளில் இருந்தும் அழைக்கப்படும் ஆயிஷா அன்னைக்கு அவள் செய்து கொண்டிருந்தேன் எப்படி. ஆயிஷா நடந்தது என்ன அவரது தாயார் சொல்ல விரும்பிய, ஆனால் அவள் கவலைப்பட விரும்பவில்லை, எனவே அவர் எல்லாம் நன்றாக கூறினார். அந்த மாலை, அப்துல்லா மலர்கள் ஒரு பூச்செண்டை வீட்டில் வந்து அவர் இரவு தனது வெளியே சிந்தித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறேன் ஆயிஷா கூறினார். அவர்கள் சில நேரம் ஒன்றாக செலவிட கிடைக்கும் என்று வியப்பு மற்றும் சந்தோஷமாக இருந்தது. அவள் அவர்கள் சிறப்பாக எல்லாம் செய்ய தேவை என்ன வந்தார். Over dinner he apologized for hitting her and reminded her that it was her fault that he lost his temper and that she would have to be a better mother if they were going to have a happy household. Aisha felt crushed that Abdullah wasn’t happy with her but didn’t want to leave because she desperately wanted her twins to be raised in a home with both parents. She wondered what she would have to do to make her marriage work.
Why do Women Stay?
This is the question that is difficult for many people to understand. It is important to realize that those who are abused hold onto the positive interactions they had with their spouse and convince themselves that their spouse is capable of kindness. The abused may still love their spouse and these feelings along with a longing for the past or a false belief that they can help the abuser be a better person are what keep them attached in spite of the abuse.
For many women, they may feel “stuck” in the marriage because they are financially dependent on their spouse, especially if they have limited or no work experience or education to be able to support themselves and their children. For other women who are isolated from friends and family, they may not have any support to turn to if they choose to leave. Some family members may know of the abuse, but may advise her to be patient with her husband and to uphold the family’s honor and stay in the marriage. Sadly some women may turn to their local imams and are actually blamed for the abuse and told to “be obedient to” or “be patient with” their husbands.
இறுதியாக, for some women the dream of preserving a two parent household for their children will make them endure abuse. Women may feel afraid of losing their children, by either their spouse abducting the children or him gaining full custody of children in court. துரதிர்ஷ்டவசமாக, in many situations, women will finally leave only when they perceive imminent danger to their children or if Child Protective Services threatens to remove the children from the home unless the woman leaves her abuser.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a decision that a woman must make on her own. Women’s shelters, family and friends can be available for support, but only once a woman chooses to take control of her own life and wellbeing will she be able to leave. Statistically, an abused woman leaves and returns to her spouse ten times before permanently separating. Only by recognizing the dynamics of abuse and the fallacies of why she stays will an abused woman be able to seek support and get out of the abusive relationship. As Allah tells us in the Qur’an: “…Verily, God does not change [a person’s] condition unless they change their inner selves…” (13:11). The decision to leave an abuser and protect oneself physically and emotionally takes enormous courage and strength. The road out of an abusive relationship is not easy and it will require her to struggle emotionally as well as face economic hardship, but in that process she will regain her self-worth and will live a life of dignity.
மூல: முனிரா லெகோவிக் எஸெல்டின்,http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/spouse/hurting-homes/