We Are Just Dating…

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By Pure Matrimony -

The most common questions I get from young people are, “Do Muslims date?” and, “If they don’t date, how do they decide whose the right person for them to marry?”

“Dating” as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims – where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, “getting to know each other” in a very deep way before deciding whether that’s the person they want to marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life – with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

The following steps should be adopted:

Make du’a (supplication) to Allah; ask Him to help you find the right person.

The family should enquire, discusse, and suggest candidates. They should consult with each other, so as to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother should approache the other family to suggest a meeting.

Couple should meet in chaperoned, group environment. ‘Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram).” (Bukhari/Muslim). The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said, “Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them.” (Tirmidhi).

When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur’an (24:30-31) to, {lower their gaze and guard their modesty….} Islaam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, that is why this rule provides safety-measures for our own sake.

Family should investigate candidate further – speaking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn more about his or her character before making the final decision.

Couple should both pray Salaat-al-istikhaarah (The Prayer For Guidance, and thus seek Allah’s help in making the decision.

An agreement should be made to either pursue marriage or part ways. Islaam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women – they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don’t want.

This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders’ wisdom and guidance in this important life decision. Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

Source: http://idealmuslimah.com/family/getting-married/678-what-islaam-says-about-dating-

18 Comments to We Are Just Dating…

  1. Most Young people of these era, believe that is only when having sex; that the relationship (dating) could have meaning. Obviously in some part of ‘Nigeria’ it’s after the male impregnated the female before marriage could take place. These act or believe have cause different atrocities, destroying many home also leading to an unhealthy marriages e.t.c we pray to Almighty Allah to guide us and bless with the right spouse AMEEN!

  2. Jus after readin the above I have questions, if such measures are followed y then do divorces happen? It is one’s independent life y should the family judge wot kinda spouse u shud have? Y can’t u choose ur own spouse? Without spendin time how do u really get to know a person? Even if u ask people abt them, people could lie abt his/ her behaviour,

    • It is true that divorces do occur even due to the result of arrange marriages,however it is statiscally proven that love marriages end in divorce more than arrange marriages. Nonetheless many may view this as many Muslim females are bounded by their family relationships and honour to end their marriage. However being a Muslim myself I will argue that love marriages result due to hormones which are bound to end sometime, whereas in arrange marriages both have much to offer each other. Love after marriage is a beautiful concept which many are afraid to witness. Coming back to your point, not all marriages are perfect while at the moment it may seem like a good match there are chances it will not work. So the decision should not be based on whether it was a love or arrange marriage it should solely be the fact that both could not work it out.

    • and the spouse also can lie, and you also can get divorce after getting to know the other partner well, it’s all about doing what allah wants from you, in other words ” to do what it takes ” then you leave it to GOD and he will manage it enshaallah

    • Of course you can choose your own spouse but the getting to know each other part should be done with a mahram. It means you need to bring any of your family members or the partner’s family members when you’re ‘dating’.

  3. There is divorce in Islam even when all precautions are followed, that can come from incompatibility or from unforseeable situations. An easy answer is that even though divorce exists in Muslim communities, it is not nearly as bad as the national statistic in America (for an example). So dating before marriage and not dating before marriage both has divorce rates, why? Because we are all human and situations can arise that no one can predict.

    Because dating before marriage has a worse divorce rate than the Islamic way of no dating before marriage, obviously dating is not a reasonable option for avoiding divorce.

    And one thing you may not catch is in the end it is those who are getting married who choose to marry, but instead of looking for a spouse by themselves, they have the support of their family and religious leaders.

  4. I want to add something more in your points Myra.
    There are other things which a couple has to follow after marriage, If they are following sunnah, then divorce would never happen.
    If both of them are following rights on each other as per Islam, then there wont be any conflict amongts them.
    The above post is sunnah of choosing life partner and there are sunnah for maintaining relations as well.

    • maryam Siddeeqah

      I completely agree with the comments of sister Myra and Brother Khalid. Right from the word go, peole fail to bring Taqwah in the issues related to choosing a life partner/ spouse and marriage.
      We humans tend to forget that marriage is fulfiling half of one’s Deen, as such, one needs to purify both his intent and heart and just like one does an act of worship being it Fard (obligatory), Nawaafil (voluntarilly) or Mustahabb (suprerogatory),to gain Hasanaat(rewar), from Allah Subhanahu WaTa’ala, so should Muslims males and females alike should consider marriage as an Act of Ibaadah (worship) and in that all the Tenets of Islam I.e Qur’an and Sunnah should be used as a key into the institution called ‘marriage’.
      WAllahu A’alam.

  5. I agreed that In Islam is the best religion and also known the behavior of Human… Islam provides the middle way for the selection of right life patner.Dating before marriage is the best way to choose the life patner…

  6. lukman eleha

    @tnks khalid n myra, 4me when it come to issue like dis,i assume its personal evndou its a standard bcos our level of faith determine acceptance whc differs,u av said the right thing,if all the guidelines are faithfully followed divorce wudnt come.
    I have heard the story of a man who ride on wild animals frm his farm by Allah.simply bcos the man tolerated the wife trebulations n wickness,yet did nt divorce bt saying,i married u 4d sake of Allah n ther4 what eva come frm u is a test frm HIM to me.
    As couples,we must design some religious activities 4our family within the week. Such as collective tilawa,taalim,nawafil,questn n answer time etc moreso,no matter how bad a woman is,she naturaly have a weak n flexible heart there4 if a man plays his role,she will comply knwingly or unkwnly somtims with pamparing and polite punishment(deprivation).
    Lastly,we need to ask ourself,what do u believe? If u believe it works with mindset,u can develop it dt *nothing will hurt me frm her or whateva comes frm her is frm Allah* and u pray it will work 4u. Insha Allah. Ameen.

  7. I am not trying to be disrespectful and maybe you are just stating what has been noted before but I know tons and tons of muslims who date and it is better to build a relationship with someone instead of just using them for sex… right? or getting into a marriage where you don’t really know someone and your miserable or it fails. Staying “pure” if possible is a great thing but in today’s society that is rare and does not increase ones value since your virginity doesn’t speak for you when you die. right? anyways… just thinking

    • and there is also something in Islam in regard to family involvement. they do not go with you to the grave… i can look it up and post it if necessary at least that is what i have heard noted

  8. @ Zainab: Refusing to ‘date’ doesn’t necessarily mean you go into the marriage not knowing who your partner is as a person and not being able to build a relationship with them. If you’re accompanied with a mahram then you get all the benefits of ‘dating’: building a relationship, observing your future partner’s character, getting to know his/her plans for the future etc. but it’s all achieved in a halal environment.

    As for the question of divorce – sometime’s divorce is a necessity and shouldn’t be viewed as a result of the weaknesses of the couple’s faith and adherence to the Quran and Sunnah. They may not have been right for each other and whether they had an arranged or love marriage, that isn’t something that is always obvious at the start of the relationship. In the end, Allahu Aalim.

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