Well, At Least Learn To 'Fight Right'

By Pure Matrimony - March, 15th 2012

Source : tightknot.wordpress.com : ’10 Ways Spouses Can Fight Right’
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Umm….wrong!! Words not only hurt; they can kill and destroy relationships in an instant.

A driving force for people who use hurtful words is their anger.

Anger is an emotion that can turn us into people we are not. If it takes us over, we are over.

In marriage, anger is one of the hardest emotions to control. But it isn’t offset by itself. There are other factors that trigger this emotion in us. A big challenge for us is our immediate reaction once we are tested. It is not always easy to stay calm and composed.

Therefore, I’m going to break down for you some proactive measures in having a civilized fight (oxymoron?) with your spouse. So, let’s get to it.

1. Find the right time: Don’t save very important matters of discussion for the end of the day. You are both tired and unlike your complete selves and that can effect your behavior negatively. Also, dinnertime is for eating and sharing each others’ days, not for arguing. Instead, if there is a serious issue or concern that needs to be addressed, prepare your spouse about the topic ahead of time. For example, you can send an email or text during the day saying something like, “Hey, Hon. I wanted to talk to you about some money matters. I think we are spending too much.” Your spouse will come ready and aware of the situation and hopefully with some solutions or at least a plan.

2. Find the right place: Always discuss serious issues in private and not in front of the kids or other family members. You don’t want anyone else influencing your thoughts or behavior. Also, don’t have important conversations over the telephone. These types of talks need to be face-to-face.

3. Find the right words: Now this is a tricky one. If you actually think before you talk, you can prevent a lot of damage from taking place. You should have an automatic filter in your head that removes all unnecessary comments and complaints before speaking. I always advise people to not call each other names or curse at their spouse. Even refrain from using words like “crazy”, “stupid”, “jerk”, “dumb”, “idiot”, etc. All of these words can be hurtful if said during an argument and with malice.

4. Stay in the present: Oh mi gosh. I can’t emphasize this enough! Please please please don’t bring up things from the past especially when they have NO relevance whatsoever. Women tend to hold grudges for longer periods of time. It’s hard to forgive and forget. Therefore, I recommend to just let it go and don’t bring it up again. Men usually try to solve a problem and move on. If you throw the same issues back at them over and over again, it’s going to get you nowhere!

5. Know your limits: If something is upsetting you, ask yourself how big the issue really is. How far are you going to take it? Is it worth ruining your relationship or your marriage? The best thing I can suggest is just never even let the concept of divorce enter your mind. It’s not a solution or an escape method. You committed to completing half of your faith by marrying this individual, so follow through with it! Learn to control your emotions and thoughts. It should never go this far unless the spouse is a psychopath or abusive.

6. Take a deep breath: Seriously, just breath. Step outside of yourself for a moment. Take a good look at how you are behaving. Is this really you? Screaming and shouting and looking repulsive. Is this who you want to be? Of course not, so don’t let yourself get that out of control. If you feel your emotions are getting the best of you, go make wudu (ablution). It will calm you down.

7. Don’t go to bed angry: Yes, I’m highlighting the whole point. It’s not a cliché. This rule must be followed at all times in a marriage. This whole concept of the husband being in the “doghouse” or “sleeping on the couch tonight” is so counterproductive and can become destructive over time. You should always sleep in the same bed no matter how upset you are at each other. If apologies or kind words cannot be exchanged due to one’s own stubbornness, then at least don’t storm out of the room or off the bed. Remain in the same room and share the same bed. If you must stay mad, then at least make sure to keep some physical contact with your spouse. You can maybe have your feet touching or even a couple toes. If you want to turn your backs on each other then you can possibly have your bottoms still touching. I’m not being silly. When you’re reminded of each others’ warmth, it will calm your nerves down. AND, just think. If you went to sleep mad at your spouse and one of you didn’t wake up in the morning, God forbid, is that how you wanted to say good-bye?

8. Learn to shut up: Enough said.

9. Acceptance: Oh look there it is again! If we learn to accept each others’ faults and focus on our spouse’s positives, the world would be a much better place. If your hubby didn’t see the garbage bag is full, it’s not because he is trying to piss you off. He really just didn’t notice. And try not to say, “I can’t believe you didn’t take the garbage out yet, you lazy bum!” Instead try something like, “Hey, Sweetcheeks, I would really appreciate it if you could take the garbage out. I love you, thanks.”

10. Gratefulness: I should put this at the top of the list. This is also your assignment for today. The next time you are lying awake in your sleeping husband’s arms at night with your head on his chest listening to his heart beat steadily and focusing on his slow rhythmic breaths, remember Allah who has blessed you with this sakoon (peace) and this wonderful man as your companion and protector. In his arms you are safe and secure alhumdullilah.

Sweet dreams.

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Source : tightknot.wordpress.com : ’10 Ways Spouses Can Fight Right’