What is more stable in Islam, a love marriage or an arranged marriage?

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By Pure Matrimony -

The issue of this marriage depends on the ruling on what came before it. If the love between the two parties did not transgress the limits set by Allaah or make them commit sin, then there is the hope that the marriage which results from this love will be more stable, because it came about as the result of the fact that each of them wanted to marry the other. 

If a man feels some attraction towards a woman whom it is permissible for him to marry her, and vice versa, there is no answer to the problem except marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624) 

Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah: 

The phrase “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage” may be understood to refer to two or to more than two. What this means is that if there is love between two people, that love cannot be increased or made to last longer by anything like marriage.  If there is marriage as well as that love, that love will increase and grow stronger every day.” 

But if that marriage comes about as a result of an illicit love relationship, such as when they meet and are alone together and kiss one another, and other haraam actions, then it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.   

Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her. 

So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later. 

The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate. 

Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful. 

With regard to arranged marriages where the family chooses the partner, they are not all good and not all bad. If the family makes a good choice and the woman is religious and beautiful, and the husband likes her and wants to marry her, then there is the hope that their marriage will be stable and successful. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged the one who wants to get married to look at the woman. It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1087; classed as hasan by al-Nasaa’i, 3235) 

But if the family make a bad choice, or they make a good choice but the husband does not agree with it, then this marriage is most likely doomed to failure and instability, because the marriage that is based on lack of interest usually is not stable.

And Allaah knows best.

Source: Islam Q&A

43 Comments to What is more stable in Islam, a love marriage or an arranged marriage?

  1. Salik Hussain

    SubhanAllah, what a great and most knowledgeable topic has been posted. This will help to our faith brothers and sisters’s concept regarding the marriage.

  2. mashallah very true lekin ek baat ye b hai k ye zaroori nhi k agr koi shadi sirf parents ki marzi se hui hai aur larrki larrkay ne ek dusray ko nhi dekha aur ek dusray ko nhi janaty aur uun ki marzi shamil nhi hai toh wo nakaam ho jaay balkay aisi shadian b kamyaab ho sakti hain balkay hain aur parents ki arrange ki hui shadian ziada kamyaab hain.

    • i agree with u . There is every possibility of the marriages being successful. Haan jab ek doosre ko hum jaanenge to behtar hoga yehi kaha gaya hai. It also depends on the person’s nature . koi gusse waale hote hain to koi khamoosh koi egoistc to koi simple. agar negative ek nature ke do loog miljaayen to shayad relationship kabhi successfull nahi hogi.BUt finally it all depends on rehmat of Allah subhanavataala.

  3. A question I would like to ask with regards to love marriage is before the marriage there is obviously some kind of relationship between the 2 people however are you allowed to kiss each other as long as it doesn’t reach the next thing, would kissing each other be seen as committing a sin this is not clear in the above??
    Your response would be much appreciated
    And may Allah swt keep us away from the hell. Ameen

    • Pure Matrimony

      Completely Haram to kiss a female in this way. Before in a marriage there should not be any form of a relationship between the couple at all. Love is something in the heart (which is permissible), but even touching the palm of an unrelated woman is forbidden let alone kissing her.

      Brother Asif we would advise you to study the basics of Islams rulings on Relations with the Opposite sex outside of marriage in Islam.

      • yes i agree with u ..kissing and all the sort of illicit things are condidered as haram..BUt ALLAH is most merciful .

      • @pure matrimony Asalam Alaikum i wanted to ask..are we allowed to talk to men wid whom our parents r thinking of our marriage?bcoz if we dun evn knw abt the person..his nature..way of living etc..how can we decide whether we can marry him or not?n the talk m i asking abt is b4 engagement or else how to know if the person is the right one for us?plz reply soon

        • Assalamu Alaikum wr wb

          the sister may get to know the brother even before engagement …with a Wali present insha Allah ..and she has a right to refuse him if she feels that they are in compatible.

          Wasalaam

      • S.a my dear brothers and sisters
        I would like to say that the culture i come from is far more different than most of you commenting here. I live in a country in the middle of Europe. But im Muslim Alhamdulilah. I wanted to say that i am in a relationship with a girl i love since a year. In the customs of the country we live is quite normal to kiss each other. ive kissed her also and i admit it. It may be haram and im not denying that though u kiss only someone u love,someone u plan to construct and live a life with anywayz, i wanted to just say that lets not try to emphasize the kiss as a big haram, INSTEAD , try to focus more on other important issues which in my opinion are worth to discuss. THe world is not separated into 2 parts as the one of the men and the one of the women. I would suggest to see the verbal communication between boys and girls more positive. Being totally separated brings such as negative effects and shameful acts of boys in Saudi Arabia for ex. which ive been hearing lately from my friends there. Im NOT saying to go and kiss or touch by hand a girl as i have done. No thats Haram and im conscious about that..Im only saying that not knowing or being totally stranger with such an important issue might bring other unpleasant effects.
        But ALLAH knows everything best.
        Selam Alejkum

  4. MAY ALLAH SWT FORGIVE US ALL

    dear Admin
    ..If now there has been any such sin in between the two parties before marriage then what is the way out … and can nikah be possible without parents consent or without informing them. dear admin kindy throw some light how can one go for nikah as well..

    • HI brother/sister

      i cannot comment abt wat u have asked .BUt my principals says that marry the one whom u love .BUt do u think hurting r parents fr the one you love is gud. If u can try and make them agree for ur marrage but never hurt them . This is wat i can say.if you feel it bad am sry.

  5. if somebody make physical relation with their lover and now they feel gelty to themself and want to marry now.how can they make fear relation according quran&sunnah & find forgive?
    another question-
    after physical relation if they do not marry each other &they marry someone other, is this right?
    one last question-
    after physical relation among them if someone betray &marry to other and anotherone want to marry .in this situation who responsible for this by quran&sunnah?is it right to marry other?

    • Kashif Ahamd

      You May see this link to learn about your Answer!
      http://www.questionsonislam.com/index.php?s=show_qna&id=125

      But repentance is Must! don’t take this (Physical relation before marriage) as a Light or recommended matter in Islam! It is “Major Sign” and in Islamic Law the Punishment is 100 Stocks for each man and Woman if both did willingly! But There are many conditions in this matter, so read the Article and find you own Decision!
      with regards

  6. Kashif Ahamd

    @ ADMIN: you did Say THAT:
    If the family makes a good choice and the woman is religious and beautiful, and the husband likes her and wants to marry her, then there is the hope that their marriage will be stable and successful.nWhere is the will of Woman? If she is religious and She don’t like the person to whom her parents wants to marry her as in Quran It is Mentioned in Nisa(4:19) the …it is haram to Inherit women Against their will…. I also now that it was not revealed in this Same case but this can be used in this matter. am I right? And you Also know that in Pak and India the Social system is very poor and head of Family, grand Mother/father Uncle etc. engage Marriage only according to their own thinking. they don’t ask woman i,e Virgin girl and only think that She will be happy as we think better than her. but sometime this harm her because Her Perception is not same as them! When we use word PARENTS/GUARDIAN we must Define this word first!what about those Parents before Islam Who did Bury their Daughters??? What an Orphan Virgin girl can do If her uncle forced her to marry a man of His (Uncle’s) own choice and Against her WILL.
    conditions in every case is not the same. I WANT TO SAY THAT:
    First consider the Matter under which a Marriage is being conduct, and If the Woman is religious and Mature than
    THE WILL OF WOMAN IS MOST IMPORTANT Than PARENTS because Its Her Right when Parents Become Wild in Social/cultural Matters and forget their duties and Obligations that Allah Madenas Allah Said in Quran Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity…(24:26)
    why Allah didn’t say that Parents of Woman or Parents of Man etc… It is Matter of liking and disliking! Today some Parents did same as to Buried Girl Alive. There are so many cases and in each case the opinion or Result is different. For a Valid marriage man and woman both Must Agree and guardian should According to the condition!
    AND ALLAH KNOWS THE BEST!!!!!

  7. Kashif Ahamd

    @ ADMIN:
    i want to ask a Question If you are a MUSLIM SCHOLAR that
    ” If there is a religious girl, she was brought up in religious environment, when she become of 22 her family shifted near their relatives, They (her relatives) are Just Muslim not Practicing Muslims, and than Suddenly her Father was died and she become an Orphan.
    She found a Person (Her Cosine) and he is also religious as she is and she want to marry him, But her Family head Grand Mother want to marry her other cosine, she didn’t found him religious and match for her. She refused that but When their family came to know that she like other cosine to whom Her GRAND MOTHER have some hidden Disputes and His Uncle Made an Accusation about Her and the Person She Likes that They have Some relations (Immoral) and Accuse that persons Family and than Forced Her and did engagement to that person that All of them Want AGAINST HER WILL”
    Now Where is ISLAM??? What is Place for Her? Where is the Position of Guardian? where is Her Right? What about that ACCUSATION from Her Uncle? What can Her Brother(25year old) can Do as they are Accused and feel shame if He say anything? They Have no Immoral Relation AT ALL and THEY both are VERY VERY RELIGIOUS…. What will you say about this Matter?
    THINK And SPREAD THE Result as you can Because there is Neither Islamic court of Law in Pak or India etc. nor They can say anything as They are Accused for bad thing!
    waiting for your reply!
    Thank You

  8. As a father, being more experienced and knowledgeable than d child, i suggest a democratic choice. That either she select and u approve, or u make five good choices and let her select/elect from d bunch. Does this contradict the teaching of Sunnah?

  9. Mother of kindhearted

    I listened to AlBedawi, scholar.He stated when a suitable muslin comes and ask for your daughters,he being pleasing in Islam and Ur young girl is silent (having no objections) to him, then give her in marriage. However all the family may not lik him. A step-father objects. Can the natural mother give her dught or. Ask another marham- ie non-practicing brother to be mahram?

    • Kashif Ahamd

      Salam sister/Mother in Islam, I’m not a Scholar but can tell you that an Orphan girl or a Virgin girl MUST be Asked if she Refuse than No one can give her into Marriage even his own Brother etc. and If woman and Man are Agree than three is nothing Wrong in Marriage! I will you reference, You can see these Hadith,

      1. Narrated AbuHurayrah: “The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)”

      2. “Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar: “The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Consult women about (the marriage of) their daughters. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2090)”

      And Also from quran that Allah Says
      “O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (4:19)”
      in any way woman can’t be forced into Marriage and can not be treated as a Property to divide in Family against her will!
      and Allah Knows the Best

  10. kashaf ali

    salam
    i want to ask about an issue,actualy i got married to my cousin by arrange marriage.but it was just nikah not rukhsati.rukhsati was decided to be after some time period.i didn’t like to contact my cousin ever but he thought that might be i was not happy for this marriage.when i realised this thing i started to hav cntct with him.but then once ho took me somewhere and made a physical relationship forcefully,i didn’t like it and got so afraid.i wanted to inform my mother about it but he started to make me more afraid by saying that if u will tell any body i will divorce you.i was so young and was afraid of divorce and its after effects.he used my this fear for his wish and forced me for such relationship again 2,3 times.but after some time period some family problems rose and he gave me divorce before rukhsati.now when my parents want me to get married to somebody else and they dont know about this all i wrote now.so i feel so confused now.i was so restless after all that but when i performed umra last year ALLAH gave me so peace n calmness.now i am ready to get married but confused about this thing that whether i should tell all this to my husband or not after marriage?please help me in this regard,waiting for ur reply
    may ALLAH bless us all……….

    • Kashif Ahamd

      Salam Sister!
      I Read this I’m really confused and it bothered my mind that how people can do such things! but for You I’ll say that Allah is so Forgiver and Merciful. I can tell you about your Problem but first I want to Conform and Ask to a scholar for this, Inshallah I will tell you soon, But I want to say that DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR HUSBAND about this matter because it is a thing b/w You and Allah and Allah will forgive You and further more I will ask a scholar! You Performed Umra MashAllah, Please Pray For Me I’m in Deep Trouble in the case of Marriage. and wait for my reply in one or two days.
      with Best Regards!
      your Brother in Islam Kashif Ahmad

    • This is a big prob in india/pakistani societies i think…even a long term engagement can be very difficult for a couple to restrain. I advise that a nikkah and ruksati be done @ the same time to prevent this.

      In your situation (and depending on your relations with your mother) I believe it is best to tell your mother what happened. She will be mad at you, but she will never want something that is worse. It is clear that your ex-husband was very wrong in the way that he forced you and used the threat of divorce as a way to make you fear. Allah will punish or forgive him as he wills, if he repents. The best way for you to look at this is to think that you are better off in the end–if he could deceive and create fear in your heart so quickly right away in your relationship, then think of all the worse things he could’ve done later. It may be difficult, but try to see this as a positive thing.

      Tell your mom, as she will advise you on what to do next. Depending on who your next suitor will be, and how well she knows their family, she will determine if its appropriate to tell HIM (his family doesn’t need to know). But, make it clear to her that your are looking for a MUSLIM man, not some lustful boy. Then depending on ur relationship with him before/after marriage, and how well you can judge his character, you can determine if it will ever be appropriate to tell him. What YOU did wasn’t wrong in Allah’s eyes (the nikkah was already performed) but how your husband forced himself on you was not correct, and that too with a threat of divorce. Whatever your choice is say bismillah, so allah’s guidance will be with you.

  11. I must say that I as a WOMAN married a good muslim man against my mothers wishes. But Allah has still shown us that he is mercyful, kind and forgiving and has blessed us with a wonderful marriage, a love that is stronger for every day that passes. Two beautiful children for whom I wish I can be the best mother and show them the the true way. It truly is difficult to go agains ones parents but it is NOT always as they know what is right for us and must let us grow up, but one should know that marriage is not a game and not something for a few days/years it is a commitment we make toward the other person for all our life. But if we stumble across the one that is our true love we should not let them go away, because we will always be angry for we did not lsiten to our hearts!

  12. Assalamualaikum,Dear brother/sister,
    I have to take a decision regarding my love marriage,we love each ,and i told to my family also,but the problem in his family,his parents dont want to marry him the girl to whom he love.they want to marry him the the girl to whom they r choice..in that situation he has two options first one is family 2nd is me..and i dont want loose him also to broke his family from him..if we maary against them..with own choice then it is fair in Islam??
    what will happen in future…but we love very much…

  13. Asalam Walikum All 🙂
    My question is that if after commiting the sin if both the parties are truly repentful,they have asked Allah for forgiveness with true sincerity and they want a halaal relationship now ie Nikaah is it permissible for them to get married. Also in such a case would the marriage be blessed by the Almighty? If anyone of you could get a schloarly opion i’l be obliged.
    Jazakallah khairun.

    • haider khan

      my qustion z ths td if u love someone who is good religious lady and if both partners silently love eachother and makes no haram relation and if they wantd to merry eachother according to islam but the male member parents do not agree on this rlation thn wt shd male member do

  14. salam everyone
    after reading this article i have a fear in ma mind
    i am married (just nikhah)ruksti will b after 1 or two years.means there is time in my ruksti…
    but we both have sexuall realtionship.as my husband told me that it is allow to us to do this thing because we are in nikah..
    we both love each other.and there is no problem in our realationship that would lead to worst thing like divorce ALHAMDULILLAH…
    i dun knw much about this
    plx help me, is this allowed to us before ruksti..because my husband coming back again from other country n he will demand the same thing from me
    what are my duties related to this…..should i stop him…?
    because my brothers told me in islam you are not allowed to stop your husband who want any desire from you.and you cant demand anything from him.and i am respectfully n willingly doing all yhis thing as i love my husband..but sometimes i feel that my husband has no respect felings for unspoken feelings…IS THIS BEACAUSE OF THIS…?
    I AM REALLY CONFUSED pls guide me what to do…especially about our physical relationship…

    • he can demand anything he wants but you aren’t allowed to speak up to him? are you really this stupid? and women in islam think they are equal…what a joke….and please learn to spell, your use of the english language is horrible

  15. ask your parents to do the ruskhsati as soon as possible, do not wait. technically, it is allowed since your nikkah has already been performed. however, if you feel uncomfortable you should try to inform him gently…if you do it hastily it might push him further from you. one way you can prevent this is to try to have a wali or another person in the room with you whenever you’re together. maybe tell a person that you trust in your family how you sometimes might feel uncomfortable and ask someone to accompany you (older sister, aunt, etc.). even though it is halaal, it is an uncomfortable situation based on your wishes. however, if you feel totally comfortable with him, than you should do the rukhsati right away.

  16. hmm..it means its not sin because we are in nikah…?is it?
    but what will be the way if some other person with same condition get divorce before ruksti ,is that relationship will be considered as a sin?
    is it necessary for me to fufill his every such desire before ruksti…?

  17. Salams evryone
    I love someone and she 2 loves me, we know each others past life and backgrounds, we r in relation frm last 2 years…bt we hv kissed each other quite a few times (NOTHING MORE THAN IT)
    we love each other vrymuch and want 2 marry…can we b happy after marraige?
    And wat shud we do for Taubah?
    plz reply…jazakAllah

  18. Hi, Thank you for this useful information…

    I need help with my relationship. I married my husband through arrange marriage and i was not happy happy at first. But then later i agreed. This was before i even seen him in gal life. I am a religious girl. I recently started wearing a hijab from my own choice. I have never touched another guy or looked in bad intention.

    My husband is good, But i feel he lies to me a lot, he is sometimes always in a bad mood and screams, but that i understand because he works hard and works at night. He first told me he never smoked or drank or anything. But now i found out he smokes and he said he gave up like 3 times but i still smell it on him.

    He says he doesn’t do nothing wrong but some friends told me he even drinks and smokes other stuff like marihuana. I have a 3 year old son with him.

    I have doubts everyday. What should i do? I really want this to work for my son.

    Please help
    Thank you

  19. Give me a break. in an arranged marriage if the woman is “religious and beautiful” it will work? what someone looks like has nothing to do with whether or not a marriage will work. Does that mean the husband has to be handsome? Islam always focuses on women’s beauty and never makes mention of what a man looks like. Women in this religion are crazy if you think for even one moment that women are treated or considered equal. Women are brainwashed into thinking that they have the same rights. Foe Gods sake it takes 2 women to equal one male witness. Where is the equality in that? Men don’t trust women enough to allow them to make a legal decision. Men expect women to stay home, breed as many children as they can, cook, clean, be their personal slaves, not allow them out of the house without permission, make them cover so other males won’t look at them because men can’t be trusted to look at a woman without getting an erection, yet blame women if they get raped even when they dress modestly. I could go on forever about the inequality in this cult you call a religion. Any woman who belongs to Islam is repressed and brainwashed. I can’t wait to see the responses from people telling me I’m going to hell because I speak the truth. Women wake up…you are being raised to be indentured slaves to these cowardly men in your so called religion whose false prophet was a pedophile.

    • I would argue against your points but you’re obviously a lost cause.
      I feel sorry for you. May Allah guide you to the right path 🙂

  20. if nikah has done but no rukhsti , and husbnad is in abroad , (at time of rishta , only boys family insisting on nikah) after all they dont talk each other on daily basis via phone , if divorce or khula takes place due to some reason and girl’s family do another rishta then at the time of nikah what should be written on nikah nama , that is bride virgin ? or divorced ? plz ans

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