Source : muslimmarriages.wordpress.com: ‘When Parents Don’t Approve.’
Parental disapproval of their adult child’s mate selection is a big problem for the fictional ‘Ali and Khan families.
Mrs. ‘Ali wants her daughter to marry a doctor from their culture. Mr. ‘Ali thinks the person his daughter is interested in is not good enough for her. Their daughter Amina argues:
“He’s a good Muslim, and he cares about me. Just because he isn’t a doctor it does not mean he cannot support our marriage”.
Mrs. Khan thinks the girl her son wants to marry is not good enough for him. Her son Tariq says:
“Mother I love you, and I value your opinion. I realize Mariam is not from our culture but she is a good Muslim, I care for her, I want to marry her and I want your blessing”.
Arguments over differing perspectives regarding who our children should marry impact on healthy family relationships, which often leads to future marriages starting off with a really rough start.
The Prophet peace be upon him, reminded us that people marry for four reasons-beauty, wealth, status and piety. The qualities of piety or strong faith are considered to be the best reasons to marry. However, even though the person you want to marry is a good Muslim sometimes your parents feel he or she is just not suited for you or they just can not get past some of their personal or cultural preferences and expectations about who you should marry.
So, what should you do when your parents don’t approve of the person you want to marry even though he or she is a good Muslim?
- Of course you could argue with your parents and ruin your relationship with them.
- You could determine that you plan to marry the person you’ve chosen whether they like it or not.
Both of these strategies have challenging consequences. Marriage is difficult enough when you have your parents support. Married people need the support of family and friends. Starting off your marriage without your parents support can cause undue stress in the new relationship.
You risk blaming your spouse for the discord between you and your parents. It inevitably pulls the family apart at a time when the newlyweds need the most support. Yet, what are you to do when you really care for the person you want to marry, and you want to maintain the pleasure of your parents?
Consider the following:
- Try to soften your parents’ hearts by showing patience, kindness and generosity to them. Have someone they respect talk with them to try persuade them to consider the person you have chosen to marry. See if that family friend or imam can encourage your parents to see how much you love each other, and want to establish a marriage built on strong faith and God consciousness.
- Spend time developing your personal relationship with Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. Get to know Allah, and what he wants for you. Spend time in sincere prayer and worship.
Tahajjud and Fajr prayers are among the best times to spend sincerely calling on Allah for guidance. Get to know Allah by getting to know his 99 names. Spend time pondering over His signs in creation. Spend time reading, reciting and pondering over the words He left for us in the Qur’an.
- Get to know the family life of the Prophet, peace be upon him, as the best example of family life. Work to implement as many of the Prophet’s behaviors and characteristics in your family even before you meet your future spouse. Practice his example on your parents, your siblings and other relatives. The Prophet’s kind treatment, patience, care and concern for his family are examples we should all work to emulate.
- In addition to developing your relationship with Allah spend time improving your relationship with your parents. Spend time with your parents. Visit them regularly. Have dinner with them often. Participate in mosque and community activities with them regularly. Join them for their special events and projects.
Demonstrate your concern for them. Talk with them about the kind of person you would like to marry, the characteristics you would like your future spouse to possess so that your choice is not a surprise, and they feel you have involved them by sharing your thoughts with them.
Communication, love and respect between parents and young adults are a secret ingredient for a healthy relationship. Pray to Allah to guide you to the person who will love you and your parents. Pray that your parents will come to know and love the person Allah chooses for you.
- Serve your community while you are waiting for Allah to send you the person He has chosen for you. There are so many needs to address in our communities. Join an organization that addresses poverty, homelessness, hunger environmental problems, youth development, or global warming.
Not only has Allah placed a trust on each of us as stewards or khalifa, staying active while working on a good cause will hopefully give you time to put your marital choice into perspective. Allah has a plan for you.
- Remember that your ultimate goal should be to fulfill what Allah wants for you.
- Exercise patience. Be patient and ask Almighty Allah to help you recognize the person that is truly right for you, that fears Allah, and loves you and your parents. Ask Allah to bless your parents to accept and love the man or woman He sends for you and not put up obstacles to your marriage.
Source : muslimmarriages.wordpress.com: ‘When Parents Don’t Approve.’
Dr. Aneesah Nadir is a PhD level social worker and CEO of Dr. Aneesah Nadir & Associates.She provides marriage education and preparation programs for singles and couples throughout the United States.Her Before the Nikah © Marriage Education and Preparation Program is a must for Muslims planning to marry today or in the future.Learn more about Dr. Aneesah’s programs and services at www.DrAneesah.com.Dr. Nadir is also President of the Islamic Social Services Association-USA and manages ISSA’s Sakinah Healthy marriage Initiative and coordinates MANA’s Healthy Marriage Initiative
mashallah ..very good method to convience parents…parents r after all parents .if we show them love and respect and convience them they surely agree to us.
Very inspiring and just what I needed to read, I am going through a real tough time at the moment and I know I need to put my full faith in Allah as only he knows what is best for me. I hope inshallah my parents do come around and I get their blessings. To all sisters out there If you too are experiencing issues I hope it all works out for you all. Continue to pray and make as much dua as possible, there will be light at the end of the tunnel I just hope I find my light soon.
me to. sister 🙁
Hope you found your light in sha Allah. 🙂
a very nice way to convince parents. but i have a question. according to Islam a boy and a girl are not allowed to have even an eye contact (please correct me if i am wrong) other than the purpose of marriage. in the above story are they having an affair before marriage? we are not allowed to have an affair before marriage. so it would be very kind of you if you please clear my confusions. thank you.
You are right. Having an affair outside of marriage is Haraam in Islam. I am assuming in the above story the brother and sister came to know about each other through a mutual friend or something. Either ways dating, chatting, being in a relationship etc with the opposite sex outside of Islam is not allowed.
But yes, the main topic here is something we can follow. Allah Knows best.
May Allah guide us all. Ameen.
Agreed no good muslim boy/girl encourages to hurt parents and go against them.If you believe in Allah and Destiny no one needs to hurt parents for marriage cause ultimately you are going to marry the person Allah wills.But since the the belief what Allah wills will happen is very not there.. brings the outcomes of hurting parents. Marriage without consent Wali is void and wrathbof Allah swt is on such marriages .
Allah knows best
Barak Allahu Feek. An excellent article, masha’ Allah. Seriously, it contains the best way to deal with this dilemma. May Allah swt reward you for this. I must share it quickly!
Maa sh Allah, Allah had just shown me what i should do by this powerful advice. JazakaAllah khyraan..
I agree with your article. I have been through this with my daughter who started a friendship / relationship with a man without my knowledge and then she says she wants to marry him. They were chatting and having contact that was not allowed in Islam. I refused but she marries him anyway. Now I have lost one of the most precious things in my existence, my daughter. However, I know I am right. I have no respect for the man she married. A good Muslim would never had done what he did!
True to an extent, but my dear uncle, would you rather have your daughter commit Zina instead? This is the key question every parent should ask before even questioning their children in getting married. We are living in a ULTRA hyper sexualized civilization WORLDWIDE to a point where not even fasting can stop it. You may want your child to have married someone else but the truth of the matter is they did what is in accordance with Allah’s laws and probably better than had they not gotten married. I don’t know what the story is now but I truly do pray you have found peace between yourself and them through Allah’s mercy and that parents worldwide understand that when it comes to matters of the heart to not interfere if the person that your child intends to marry prays, does the basics of islam, and is not an adulterer or abuse any substances for it was Omar RA who said that not getting the child married leaves ALL the sins to follow on the parent which I am 1000% sure no one wants on the Day of Judgement. May we all benefit from what is good from this and anything that is wrong, may both you, the reader, and Allah forgive me for saying so.
An article for a perfect world. Real life, parents who refuse marriage based on these qualities are the type of parents who are authoritarian. They are pig headed and believe that since they older than the child, they are always right about everything and there is no possible way for their child to teach them anything and wouldn’t even bother listening to what the child has to say. What they say goes, and there is no convincing otherwise no matter how much the child may try.
Article based on me! In the end parents will always win! Doesn’t matter how good the potential marriage partner is we as Muslims don’t care about religion! Its about how big a house is, how nice a car is and how much U earn and how they parents can show off to others in the community!
Also being a Muslim is never enough these days…
Assalamo alaikum , MashaAllah , Im living this issue right now, they told the brother who want to marry me ( his parents) told him , that im not from the same country , we don’t have same culture , no body in their family marry before from another country , and then after that he told me to be patient , that he will convince and make them understand that he want to marry me. Im making a lot of Dua for this marriage . Ya Allah.
I hope everything worked out for you…xx
Asalamu alaikum same thing is also happening 2 me,the brother who want to marry me his parent told him not to marry anyone from my state that it was his grand father that said it b4 he died,his parent are also standing on it,he tld me he will convince them and make them understand but they are not taking to his word.I’m making a lot of dua for this marriage…ya Allah.
Slaam. I am going through the same situation my parents dont agree for the boy i want to marry because he is not from our caste. They are very good family friends and my dad and his dad are very close friends. My parents have gave me everything since i was small they have never said no to me. But now because of society they are not agreeing. There is nothing wrong with boy and his family as they are firm on their religion and are practising muslims. I am confused and really do not know what to do.
May Allah bless us All
Iam In the same situation
Im going through the same sitiuation, his parents disagreed bcz im not from the same country as hiz indian and im pakistani. He convinced his patents alot of time but they not ready to approve. Though my mother is supporting me . But my mother is waiting for his parents to agree. Im praying alot and making dua for this marriage. Please remember me in your prayers.
I am in the same problem, parents don’t listen to imam, they listen to their so called Nationality
I know men who have been waiting and showing sabr for 38 years. Now they do not feel like marrying and live very lonely lives as their parents never supported them and only used them especially their money. Sometimes you need to show sabr in continuing to fight, before its too late.
Respect you parents but that doesn’t mean you should listen and obey.
Asalam alaykoum all,
Kindly written article with some reasonable advice. Thank you. I’m a single mother who survived an abusive relationship, Hamdillah Allah Kareem. I am also in love and will marry soon if Allah wills it so, inshallah Kheyr. I would like something to say about a child’s/parents rights in Islam. I have been taught that our gracious and merciful prophet once said something along the lines that if two people take a liking to one another then it is better to help them then to separate them as that can cause a domino affect of problems. I do not say that parents have no right, I say they should not abuse that right, that power they hold. They say a husband may have rights over his wife..example; he may do such and such (force, etc take ur pick) but a GOOD Muslim would not. Same I would logically understand for parents. I am a mother, I may have the power/right to say yes or no to my child, but have i done right really? I may not like him, i may have many opinions or reasons for not wanting the marriage but have I understood both sides before arriving to that decision? And tried to understand my child’s reasons? I want to discuss and help guide, not force and dictate. Her/his future, her/his feelings etc etc must also be considered, respected even. May Allah bless me that i may fully understand my child’s reasons and be a guide rather then an enforcer and push my child away from me or her/his deen…which is challenging enough as it is for us all in these times. If the marriage does go bad, i still want my child to feel comforted enough to know her family is there to catch her/him when she/he falls. Islam to me is about patience and understanding in the hope to bring us closer to each other, to do good for ourselves and each other and more importantly to Allan swt. It is scary for us parents, I know, but its also scary for our children. In the end, we dont want to lose each other and dont want to make Haram. I believe most of our intentions are good. But I wish some scholars out there would remind parents of that. We talk about what makes a good son, a good daughter, a good husband and a good wife, but I dont hear much about being a good parent and not abusing our rights/powers. Thank you for listening, I hope to hear your thoughts. Peace and love to all. Wasalam alaykum my brothers and sisters
Beautifully put sister! Indeed this is very true. It’s really about striking a balance between who is right and WHAT is right – which is something many parents forget – especially when it comes to marriage. This is why we end up with high divorce rates and broken families. Parents might force their children to marry, but they can’t keep them married. It’s a lesser of two evils to never allow it to get to that point in the first place.
Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah.
I don’t usually comment or reply to posts….ever! But I couldn’t hold myself back this time. I absolutely loved your views and thoughts on this topic and I completely and wholeheartedly agree. I feel like this is an issue many of us are facing and inshaAllah Allah will help us and answer all our duas 🙂
There are many scholars or teachers of Islam who have done ‘talks’ on this particular topic, like Mufti Menk 😀 and videos are available on youtube etc. But unfortunately, I don’t think its reaching to our parents/guardians, who reallllly need to understand their points
M also in d same situation…i dont how to tell them about this..my parents think that in islam daughters are suppose marry only of parents choice n we hav no rights to marry of our own choice or likes…i like a man n he wants to marry me so his parents asked my father but he s nt ready to agree just because he wants to get me married of his choice…i wish if any of the scolar give the same speach of mufti menk about forced marriages in malayalm so that they could understand…but most of d scolars give speech oly to the daughters but not to the parents..
Beautifully written. I wish more parents thought the way you do.
I’m 18 years old. I pray my salah’s regularly. I’ve got three proposals from family. I rejected one of them because he doesn’t study, he is from a good family and also shows interest in me but for me, education is very important. The second one is a lawyer, he is 7 years older than me but I believe age does not matter in a relationship when you have a good understanding, he is interested in me and he is from a good family, he is a mature, sincere and honest man. I really want him to be my future partner but my father doesn’t agree because of some ego problems. The third one has done IT and works in Saudia, his family is a bit conservative than ours. My father doesn’t agree with the third one as well. I want to get married to the 2nd one, no one in the family is supporting me to convince my dad. It’s already been 1 year now to his proposal. No one waits for soo long for the answer. Many ppl from my family did love marriages but at my time no one supports me just coz the ego prob even tho the ppl who did love marriages have done that in the same family from where the 2nd proposal came. My dad has no prob with that guy. How should I convince my dad? Please, advice me something. I really need a good advice at the moment.
We recommend you ask your local Imam to speak to your father and advise him sincerely jzk and may Allah SWT make things easy for you ameen
Thanks for your kind advice. But unfortunately, their is no such Imam with whom I can discuss this issue about. Anyways what do you recommend me, who’s better for me 2nd or 3rd? I’m in a huge confusion. I don’t want to repent later so want to take a wise decision.
for me 2nd one sounds good
Salaam brothers and sisters,
I have never written on these forums or have asked for any advice but i really need some help.
I am now 25 years old and have been in a relasionship with a boy for 7 years (i know this is prohibbited in islam i want to put it right). Unfortunately he is not the same cast as me. My dad spoke to me about marriage a few weeks ago and then again last night. My sisters mother in law has been asking for my rishta for her son and hasnt stopped since. I know this will be a good rishta as i will stay in the family and with my sister but my heart is stuck with this boy. He is hard working and he himself wants to put things right and get married as he deeply regrets committing sin. He has told his parents and they have no issues atall. The majour problem lyes with my dad. He has told me even if the guys family would take care of me and i would be happy he still does not want me to get married there as this will be embarressing for him and he wont be able to look people in the eye as they are a lower cast than us. I love my parents soo much they have done everything for me and it kols me to see them hurt bt i cant gt this boy out of my head. Me and him jave decided to get his molbhi saab to do isthikhara for us. If it comes out positive then carry on trying (even though it kills me to see my parents face everytime i mention marrying out of cast) If not then leave it there and i will marry wherver they say.
Sorty its a long story bt i had to tell. Is it te right way we are goig about it or ahould i do somethhing else. Please help.
Walaikum assalam sister,
First of all, This relationship for 7 years is prohibited in Islam so you should cut-off any sort of communication for the sake of Allah insha’Allah. Whatever you need to discuss can be discussed through a wali/mahram insha’Allah.
As the Hadith goes, If a righteous man’s proposal comes to you, then as your Father its only sunnah for him to accept it. Be it from your sister’s brother-in-law or the brother you’ve known for 7 years. You need to sit down with your father and discuss who amongst the two are righteous in character. In Islam there is no caste system and no one is superior to anyone except in terms of deen. So Please consider deen to be the first priority and good character.
Regarding Istikhara, you cannot ask someone else to do Istikhara for you, You need to perform Istikhara yourself provided you do your 5 daily prayers and refrain from committing sins. Choose between the two and perform Istikhara insha’Allah. For More info on Istikhara please visit this article https://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/istikhara-the-virtue-of-involving-allah-in-your-life/.
May Allah guide us all and forgive out shortcomings, Aameen
Thank you for your reply Umm Khan i really alpreciate the responce.
And respinding from ur last message my dad has already told me even if the boy will be a really good husband and will keep me happy he wil still not accept due to his caste. He has said even if the boy is the poorest and he is the same caste as me my dad will help him to become where he wants to. This is how much my dad is influenced by the cultural caste thing.
The boy i have known for a long time has a lot of knowledge of islam. Although he doesnt pray five times but he is starting to pray as much as he can now so am i.
I knw you have said isthikhara should be done only by the person himself however i have known many people that have asked there molbhi saab at mosk to do it and have gotten married due to the responce.
(Its the one where they ask for both parents name of the girl and boy).
My dad is not a person you can influence. He is very set in his own ways and cares too much about what people would say.
Im stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Any more advice
Also the main reason we do want to marry is that we have simmed im the past may allah forgive us ameen
I would say sister to seek forgiveness from Allah for whatever has happened in the past and then make sincere dua to Allah for help in this matter. Regarding istikhara – your imam can NOT do istikhara for you unless he is your wali or mahram. Unfortunately, istikhara is a commonly misunderstood practise. As for your dad, keep making dua and ask someone in the family he respects to speak to him. This is YOUR life and you are going to live it and he should at least be willing to listen to you with an open mind. Your dad needs to understand that caste is haram – Allah doesn’t judge you by your tribe or race or colour or appearance, but rather on your deeds and your imaan and your character. If your father truly fears Allah, he will let go of such thinking. May Allah SWT make it easy for you ameen.
I’m going through the same thing unfortunately. My dad cares way too much about what people think… because of this I’m afraid to even confess to him that I like someone, someone who is really nice and respectful towards me. I have known him for almost 6 years and we both have asked for forgiveness from Allah for all the wrongdoings on our part. We just want to make it halal. His parents are ready to accept me too. I have told my mother but she’s afraid of the way my dad will react on finding out. He cares so much about this dunya and doesn’t give a damn about my feelings. He might make my life hell and I’m so afraid to tell him. Subhanallah, what has this world come to, where children have to bottle up their feelings out of fear of their own parents! May Allah make it easy for you sister, you will be in my prayers..
As a parent children should not be having harass relationships in the first place and then they justify it by saying. We want to make haraam into halal marriage. A good Muslim child should repent and ask allah to send the best man or woman to marry. And be patient. Any feelings you have for the boyfriend/girlfriend in haraam relationship is brought on by yourselves. Your own desires and sins. So only children who do this should end their relationships if parents do not approve. Divorce rates are sooo high and the reason for that is that your relationships start off the haraam way.that is why your marriages end up in divorce as well. I know if one repents allah forgives. But sinning knowing it’s wrong and having your fun at the time does not mean you are doing right . Far too many times it’s being said We want to marry to make halal now. Well look at the timescales you date for years then realise it’s haraam and then want to make it halal. Honestly kids nowadays .what can I say as a parent.i do not pity you. If you like someone make it halal within a short time and keep it halal when your chatting etc. Then maybe you wouldnt have so many obstacles. Love is not the word it’s lust youngsters have. Love means sacrifice. Would your wife or husband boyfriend or girlfriend still love you if you were blind or disabled after a car accident. I bet not
Salam, what you said is only partly right. Parents do NOT have the power to abuse their power of authority over their children. It is certainly not haram to be in love with someone as long as it is not pursued in the haram way. Even if it has, thousands of us in this situation do turn to Allah and ask for repentance. But all parents can taunt us about is how we’re destined to be in the hell fire because of our actions etc, behaving as if they have never ever committed a sin lol. Sins do happen because we’re humans and we’re vulnerable to mistakes. At least if your child shows the courtesy to make something haram into halal, then instead of discouraging and dictating your views on him/her, appreciate that he/she bothered to think about marriage and commitment. in most households, children just date for years without seeking commitment in a halal manner! parents need to count their blessings. parents have no right to disapprove the potential spouse for their child if he/she is strong in his deen and taqwa and character. most parents only disapprove for the sake of their ego, reputation in the society and other insignificant matters that have no place in Islam.
in my family i’ve seen several successful marriages that was born out of love in the beginning, they have lasted for years with kids and what not..(not saying it’s the right way to go about it) at the end of the day it comes down to the nature of the person, not the fact that it’s an arranged or love marriage. and please, your statement on how a boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn’t stilll love someone if they faced an accident! that’s true even in cases where a girl is blind. or really dark in complexion, or handicapped, but is seeking to get married but society won’t accept her because of her outside appearance. that is such a biased statement.
hi people I’m going through a big problem right now please do not judge me after hearing this, left home last year because I fell in love with my relative who lives in Pakistan and I am from England we are both muslims I told my family to leave me alone because I was facing problems with them. whilst I was in Pakistan my parents knew my whereabouts and came to Pakistan to talk to the boy and when they did he blamed everything on me saying I forced him and said I would kill myself if he didn’t love me back he blamed everything on me and called me liar and said he had nothing to do with me and I had to come back to the uk with my parents I am now back an smy parents have took away my passport phone and everything I feel like I am in prison but a now I am speaking to a friend on facebook I have met whilst I was in Pakistan and hes proposed to me and I feel like hes the right one and I don’t know how to tell my dad about this because he has to no trust left on me and I am really confused any advice please
Assalam o alaikum.
I am from Maldives, and i want get married to a boy who is a 10th classmate. We both like each other. We got to know about it through our friends. Previously when we were studying at same class, my mother is very kind and friendly with him amd his family, but when I told her that i like him i wanted to merry him. She totally changed. She wants me to become a doctor but I always wanted to become a nurse. Reputation and wealth is very important for my family. Unfortunately the boy is not well-educated and not doing a good job in my families view. He is a good muslim,very hardworking Gentle men. I am sure he will take care of me and will do all the responsibilities as a husband. And also my parents don’t think that m not ready for a marriage. Cox i am 19. But a girl can get married when she is 18. I think i am ready to get married..So what should i do to convince them.its so difficult for me cox they don’t listen to me well. Please help me through this.
Sister we recommend you speak to your local imam and ask him to help you out – he may be able to act like an intermediary between you and help you come to an understanding
Assalamualekum i’m 32 year working under state government. My parents posted my profile on a matrimonial site and a good heart contacted me with his personal interest in me. We have discussed all the issue related the distance and job and both of us were satisfied. But my parents especially my mother is just rejecting saying she wont allow for long distance. Both ofFus are of neighbouring states but the fact is that there is no direct route between our state. But we (both me and he) want to marry. His aprents are just waiting for the conversation to initiate.
Please pray for me so that we Both become soulmates.