Win His Heart: A Psychological and Islamic Approach for Women

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Win His Heart: A Psychological and Islamic Approach for Women
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By Pure Matrimony -

Source : MuslimMatters.org

Written by: Haleh Banani, MA Clinical Psychology
As women, we desire to have a deep emotional bond with our spouse. We want to be loved and adored.
We need to nourish our spouse daily with love, support and understanding.As a therapist, I have seen numerous men who are disappointed in their marriages.

Men’s Top 6 Requests of Their Wives
1. Be his friend
2. Show him respect
3. Fulfill his physical needs
4. Make him feel desired
5. Make him feel appreciated
6. Create variety

  • Be a friend:

The most important aspect of a marriage is friendship.When there is friendship, any obstacle can be overcome.

Look at the beautiful examples of Khadija and Aisha (RA) and how they showered the Prophet (peace and salat upon him) with love, providing him with true companionship. Think about your best friend and how he or she became so special in your life. It probably had a lot to do with the amount of time and effort he or she made to get to know you and spend time with you. When was the last time you and your spouse had quality time together where the focus was just on having fun and sharing?

An easy way to get started is:
1. Set a date night with your spouse and stick to it
2. Share likes, dislikes, dreams etc.

Your friends are people who accept you and make you feel happy. How accepting are you of your spouse? Are you always trying to change or nag him? These behaviors push a man away and doesn’t create positive associations to you.

In order to create or strengthen friendship in marriage, try doing the following:
1. Listen, listen, listen to him – I mean really listen without being distracted, without making lists in your mind as he talks and without watching T.V. Remember what he shares with you about his work, about his goals, etc.
2. Share the highlights of the day & be supportive and understanding,
3. Find out what his area of interests are, read about them and be prepared to discuss,
4. Always say please and thank you, no matter how long you have been married
5. Eat at least 1 meal a day together,
6. Be forgiving – overlook his mistakes and flaws and train yourself to remember his positive traits ( everyone has some – you just have to focus on them),
7. Plan activities together (be it traveling together, playing tennis, walking, eating out, going out for movie nights – anything you both enjoy doing together),
8. Laugh together – don’t take your relationship so seriously all the time. Couples that can laugh together, stay together,
9. Have time to cuddle – being in close contact, hugging & caressing melts away the barriers, anger & frustrations. We all feel better after a nice, big hug,
10. Say nice things to each other – If you spoke to your friend the way you speak to your spouse would they remain your friend? Be honest with the answer,
11. Always make up before you sleep, and sleep at the same time. Don’t lead separate lives.

  • Show Respect:

The need for men to be respected is so strong that when they are given ample respect, they flourish like a plant that has just been watered. When they are deprived of the respect, they wilt and harbor feelings of sadness and resentment.

Many times women put a lot of time and effort in keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids and fulfilling all the “duties”, but because they fall short in showing their husbands respect, the husbands will shut down and not show appreciation for all that she has done. It is critical to be sensitive towards men and their feelings. Even though men may not be as expressive, they can and do get hurt and it is much harder for them to recover from hurt feelings.

Here are some ways to show respect:
1. Always speak with kindness and politeness, regardless of how long you have been married. Show the same (if not more) graciousness to your husband than you show your guests,
2. Never shout, call him names or use profanity,
3. Don’t be sarcastic with sensitive issues – if he has any weaknesses or shortcomings don’t crack a joke about it. Even if he doesn’t get mad, he may feel hurt inside,
4. Listen to his opinion and honor his requests – you will be rewarded in this world with a happy home and in the akhira insha’Allah,
5. Don’t have a power struggle with him. When women are demanding and aggressive it makes the men be harsh and rigid. If you show respect for the role that Allah has chosen for him he is more likely to be accommodating,
6. Show love and respect to his family and be a unifying force. Don’t be known in his family as the person who took him,
7. Respect his “alone time”, and allow him to unwind,
8. Ask his opinions and value them.

  • Fulfill His Physical Needs:

Intimacy brings about a whole lot of mixed emotions. Some sisters are not interested at all, some can never get enough and others seem to use it as a way to manipulate their husbands. There really needs to be some frank talk about this subject because I have seen many marriages suffer and fall apart due to problems of intimacy.

Sisters, if you withhold sex from your spouse as either a way to get back at him or to control him, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE.

  • Make Him Feel Appreciated:

When a man gets married he enjoys being the center of his wife’s life. He loves all the attention, the special meals and having his wife exclusively to himself.

There are so many times that men are made to feel neglected. Whether it’s because of the newborn baby, her demanding job or her never ending list of errands and voluntarism, men are being overlooked and pushed aside. Each man is craving his wife’s attention. The woman that knows how to shower her man with attention and appreciation will win his heart.

So here are some practical and easy ways to show appreciation to your husband:
1. Greet him with a hug and a kiss when he arrives home. Men have a need to feel important,
2. Make him feel that you are glad that he is home- this will create a positive association to being home; therefore he will WANT to spend more time at home,
3. Get off the phone before he arrives,
4. Make sure the place is presentable,
5. Have a sumptuous dinner ready,
6. Verbalize that you appreciate his hard work and all that he provides,
7. Be happy – nothing shows appreciation like a content smile,
8. Be understanding when he has to stay late or has to travel,
9. Listen to him without multitasking – I know it’s hard for us sisters to sit still and just simply listen, but it’s so critical to make a man feel heard,
10. *LOOK ATTRACTIVE*

  • Make Him Feel Desired:

When was the last time you gave a compliment to your husband? And I’m not referring to compliments on how well he fixed the leaky faucet. I mean a compliment on his looks or personality that will bring on a genuine smile.

The need to feel attractive increases as men age, they require more assurance that they are still desirable and worthwhile. There are two ways to make a man feel attractive: either tell him by giving him a compliment or show him that you are attracted to him.

Here are some ways to show your attraction to your husband:
1. Take the time to look at him – deep in his eyes and have your eyes lock. There usually isn’t enough time to make eye contact and since everyone always has to be careful to lower their gaze in public, here is the chance to stare and be rewarded!
2. Smile affectionately,
3. Be generous in giving compliments – it’s amazing how a person will light up with kind words.
4. Be playful, flirt and make him feel like the most attractive person

  • Create Variety:

Variety is always desirable. We enjoy an array of meals, an assortment of clothes and a selection of entertainment. This yearning for variety can be fulfilled even in marriage.
Here are some simple measures you can take to add a little zest and variety to yourself.
1. Get different hairstyles and change the shade of your hair color
2. Have a nice wardrobe for the house. ”What, dress up at home?” YES! You don’t need to be all decked out, but you need to have casual, nice clothes for around the house.
3. Invest in nice lingerie – it’s not just for the honeymoon. If you want your honeymoon to last a lifetime have a selection of lingerie that you wear regularly.
4. Try to create variety by getting intimate in different rooms

As you strive to create a strong bond with your husband by being a true friend, you will become closer and more intimate. By investing the necessary time and effort into your marriage, you will be pleasantly rewarded with a more satisfied spouse and you will Win His Heart InshaAllah!
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Source : MuslimMatters.org

80 Comments to Win His Heart: A Psychological and Islamic Approach for Women

  1. Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah

    JazakumAllah khair for reposting one of our articles. I request that you please activate the source link that you posted beneath the article, so that it takes visitors to the MuslimMatters.org if clicked insha’Allah.

    I recommend that you do this for all articles taken from other sites, as it is an important part of the etiquette that governs the sharing of online content.

    Wa’salam

    Sr. Mehzabeen

  2. this is stupid. u are telling women to sell herself to her husband. sex object is what a woman always will be. islam says women to be grateful for being suppressed. i say suppressed because woman have no upper hand or say in their life except when getting married. and even then her answer is her silence totally ruins it. when u are silent doesnt always mean u agree. silence can mean rebellion too. its frustrating how much power men are given over women. women are told to look nice and sexy for their husbands (sell theirs looks and sexuality, so what is a woman more than a sex object), and yet be grateful and happy even when their husbands chose a second wife. how degrading is that. do you think there are not hot men. there are so handsome and hot men, society accept that men feel ‘agitated’ when another male is around his wife. but society densest even acknowledge what agitation and sadness and rejection a woman feels when he husband takes on another wife. and again in paradise he gets 70 full breasted hoorul’ain, and women only get their one singel husband. on earth and in after life women are told to be happy with their unfair and oppressed treatment.

    • bint Haroon

      Sister Mariyam, i suggest you read properly about what Islam says regarding women. In Islam women play a great role and without a woman in the life then men are nothing. It’s women who make or break the household. It’s true that women should dress up and look nice for their Husband because in this world explicit things are publicised widely. If a man comes home to a tacky looking wife after he’s been out all day and seen other women on the street, how will he feel? Some men will be good enough to turn the other way but secretly wish they had a wife who would make an effort. Men are made to have more desires than men, that’s why Islam permits 2nd wives but of course a man cannot marry a second if his first wife is not happy. There are great rulings and punishments for a man who can not fulfill more than one wives needs. In Paradise you will get whatever you wish and if you want another Husband then so be it. In Paradise the Wife will be the Queen of the Hoorul’ayn. Whatever the Wife says they will accept. There will be no jealousy/hatred.

    • Jennifer Rahman

      I agree with mariyam. Why do the WOMEN always have to “make everything wonderful”? My husband married me for me, he knows what I look like,on good and bad days. When I dress nice (casual) and he sees that, he asks me where I am going! So, he does not care what I really look like at home. He does not want other men looking at me. He has never asked me to fix my hair,dress up, or anything.Men don’t always dress nice you know! As for the intimacy issue, I don’t believe that Islam teaches to have “fantasies”, dress in lingerie,or have sex in different rooms! They didn’t have lingerie some 2000 years ago!! It is suppose to be personal, loving, and if you have to have fantasies then you should not be married. Period. Women are not to be made a slave to their husband, and vice versa. 50/50. If I don’t have dinner made when he gets home, he knows that maybe I had a hard day too, or not feeling well,or no time,it is no big deal. Don’t stereotype women as “happy housewives”, we have bad days too, we can’t walk around all the time with a smile on our face.

      • Jennifer Rahman sister the problem comes when we value our wisdom our thinking more, then instead of what islam is teaching us. its a perfect balance, where you are encouraged to think also, and on top of that you are free to choose which ever way you want. if i dont do anything haram, its for my own good. as far varitey is concerend we have 4 seasons, there is a large amount of varitey in nature. inshort no matter what husband and wife have to make effort in their relationship. you must appriciate islam dosent even allow man to look at other women, so what about that?

    • Mariyam, I must suggest you to be humble and non-rebellious against the rules set by Nature. because knows the needs of both male and female in the best way. The approach followed by you is deleterious. It can destroy the marital life. Don’t complaint against the divine rules. Sex is not to handle your husband as the writer said so don’t be so desirous for 70 men in Paradise in competition with men for having 70 hoorul’ain….. Make you home Heaven not an arena of grudges……

    • dear Sister Mariyam, It would be a really good idea to REALLY look into what Islam says about women. they have ample amounts of power over their lives. Men( husbands) are there to please and make us happy as much as we are there to do the same. What I don’t understand is that, it is completely okay for women to dress half-naked to please other men that are not even theirs, but the wife is “oppressed” because shes looks nice for her husband. && In paradise, women are can ask for anything and everything, including to get another husband if they wish to. she will also be the Queen of the Hoorul’ayn. perhaps this website might help Insha’Allah: http://www.ezsoftech.com/omm/handbook.asp

    • Dear mariyam, why do you find it oppressive and degrading for women to dress sexily and provocatively for their husbands? I for one enjoy the affection and attention my husbands showers over me, especially when i take the effort to look pleasing.

      And i am nvr silent when smthg displeases me. Islam does allow women a voice with her husband, as long as it is not disrespectful. We are empowered we opinions and have every right to it. Wonen in Islam are not sheep, and men would not function without us. Our husbands also cannot take another wife without our consent. Allah swt has given us much benefits, and without the heavy responsibility that our husbands have. I am quite saddened that you do not see it.

      • Pls sista Faiza which aayah or hadith says a man can’t marry another wife if his wife doesn’t give her consent?R u sure it exists?

        • Dear Sister Sameerah,
          It is acutally an aayah in the Quran in surah Al-Nissa, this is the verse,
          “but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”[al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

          Allah the All Mighty says that a man should not take on a second wife if he can not take care of the first one because that would be unfair to the first wife and the family he built with her.

          The Prophet (PBUH) also said, “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.”
          This means that if a man does take on a second wife and treats one better than on the day of Resurrection he will be punished for being unjust. I hope I helped sister!

      • salaam, just a note on ‘men cannot marry a second, third or fourth wife without the wife’s consent’… this is not true..it’s better if he talks to all the women involved to ‘keep the peace’, however, he does have that right & if the man is not handling this responsibility in a just manner then ‘we as women’ have the right to divorce… this is why we must marry for with the best intentions & for the right reasons @ the beginning..

      • Its not true that man has to take permission to marry another women, if that would be the case no women will ever give permission…. i agree with all you said, Ma sha Allah, but not the consent thing. you have to make a balance, if you cant then dont.. be such a nice wife, man dont even desire other women.

    • My dear sis maryam, for every decree Allah azza wa jalla set there is wisdom behind it, it may be clear or unclear to us, it may be favourable or unfavourable for us, but what eva the case , Allah has his reasons and as He is the allwise allknowing as well as the most merciful, most loving, most compassionate he will never do anything that will hurt us, so dear keep emotions and sentiments aside and research deeply with good intentions and you will see how esteem a woman is in islam. Fi amanatillah

    • bint muslim

      sister Mariyam,as your name “Mariyam” you are probably a muslimah but i doubt it because no muslimah could ever talk against Islam like that or the position of women in Islam. Which one would you prefer,to dressed up and look beautiful to your husband or to dressed up and look beautiful to every one the streets,with the staring and look lustfully by strange men as you were naked? Which of the two is “sex object?

  3. Ruqayyah Dindi

    Hmmmm. May Allah make it easy 4 us ooo. Its nt dt easy, expecially when d man is fraustrating you.

    • It definitely is not easy sometimes. But live one day at a time ONLY for Allah’s sake, in the ways & roles that He intends you for, is key. As with EVERYTHING in life eg work study faith cooking etc, practice makes perfect – with steadfastness & constant room for improvement & grit! It gets better with time. Doing things only to seek Allah Al-Wadud (Most Loving) pleasure & approval will thoroughly help one stay grounded in spite of extreme frustration. No matter how you falter, you will get back on your feet, never give up in your endeavors & find new ways to adapt – even if its building a happier marriage. It means you are doing all these efforts to please Allah but through your hubby. It allows a special form of detachment from people’s negative attitudes. You will learn to be less affected by people’s behavior (maybe not entirely but definitely less) because end of the day, you’ve TRIED & to Allah lies all rewards, jannah at your husband’s feet. Times when its hurtful/hard, your patience & forgiving nature will be amply rewarded in alternative ways. Even if not from your hubby or things don’t improve, the same tolerance & <3 you give will come from other sources from others to you. BTW, there's an Ayah in the Quran that says Allah created Rahmah between men & their spouses. That's a fact. That Rahmah & all the comfort compassion & good feelings CAN be achieved because it IS there. Do purify your intentions for Allah's sake. Cos anyway, should things not turn out the way you wish, only Allah Ar-Raheem can reward & replace with something better (and He WILL) be it your relationship improve much later or if not, you have better forbearance, faith, joy & fulfillment in other areas, show you the way. If you put your hopes on that person alone, that's hard.. People do disappoint us from time to time.

  4. @ sis mariyam, you should read and understand this article from the islamic perspective not what the modern world is saying. And JAZZAKALLAHU KHAIRAN to the publisher amin.

  5. Evocative Fragrance

    Assalam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu Dear sis Mariyam…

    It sounds like you are some what upset in your life, perhaps your marital life…? That’s none of my business I know 🙂 But the things you’ve said, that is somehow not true as well ! I acknowledge you must be going through some tough situations sister. Please ask for Allah subhana hu wata’las’ help and I’m sure InshaAllah everything will be just fine with you again inshaAllah 🙂
    Please Educate yourself on Islamic matters first and then comment. As non-muslims follows our every moves, what we say and gets inspired by our attitudes, words, be it a good one or bad! They just FOLLOWS us 🙂 if you say negative words, they’ll eventually pin point Islam not the person from whom they came to know some info! So please….
    Another thing, getting 70 hurs is NOT an easy thing! men needs to work hard and be a GOOD muslim to get them 🙂 and an unjust husband SURELY won’t get them 🙂
    And, Islam not only asks WIVES to take care of their husbands and look good to them but Islam also guides men to take care of their wives as well 🙂 Infact, Our Beloved Prophet Muhammad sal Allahu alaihi wasallam is the BEST example to the muslim ummah 🙂
    I pray that May Allah heal your wounds as soon as possible and may He give hidaya to you and may He bless you with His abundant mercy ameeen….

  6. Assalamoalykum wa rehmatullah.The post was a very in informative one mashAllah. I wanted to say that before i got married a read a book in which all these steps were mentioned and i saw my mom doing all this hence i was grown up in such an environment but when i got married i did everyhting to please my husband his way and also what i felt will make him happy but he was always complaining his sisters always wanted me to stay busy with the house chores but i still tried my level best to look attractive and happy and what ever he liked i was managing but he was always complaining none of these steps helped me in winning his heart and after 6 months of my marriage we are separated which is very sad for me because i never wanted to break i have tried each and every thing but he still wants to end this. He judges my every act according to what his sisters do and they are very dominating whenever i do something good they try to turn it bad.
    Sister please guide me what to do im going through a very difficult time.
    Regards
    Assalamoalykum wa rehmatullah

    • Masha’Allah what a fantastic article, may Allah reward you sister.

      Maryam, you should be patient my sister. Remember that Allah is with those who are patient.
      I know it is easy said than done, but there is a reason for all that happens in our life.
      You are trying so hard to please this man and you have only been married a few months, and
      if this is how he behaves now, it is likely that he will become worse over time.
      Allah is testing you and insha’Alllah if you are patient, Allah will give you something better.

      The most powerful tool of a Muslim is du’a.
      Remember that Allah is always here for us to listen to out du’a and if you want to feel really close
      to Allah and that he is listening to you try and wake up in the last third of the night
      and pray even 2 rak’as and then make du’a to Allah.

      May Allah make this difficult time easy for you and keep this man away from you if he is bad for
      you and bring heim closer to you if he is good for you insha’Allah.

      Wasalama Alaikum

    • I will copy and past sister Karen comment i cant agree anymore to this, she said it perfectly
      It definitely is not easy sometimes. But live one day at a time ONLY for Allah’s sake, in the ways & roles that He intends you for, is key. As with EVERYTHING in life eg work study faith cooking etc, practice makes perfect – with steadfastness & constant room for improvement & grit! It gets better with time. Doing things only to seek Allah Al-Wadud (Most Loving) pleasure & approval will thoroughly help one stay grounded in spite of extreme frustration. No matter how you falter, you will get back on your feet, never give up in your endeavors & find new ways to adapt – even if its building a happier marriage. It means you are doing all these efforts to please Allah but through your hubby. It allows a special form of detachment from people’s negative attitudes. You will learn to be less affected by people’s behavior (maybe not entirely but definitely less) because end of the day, you’ve TRIED & to Allah lies all rewards, jannah at your husband’s feet. Times when its hurtful/hard, your patience & forgiving nature will be amply rewarded in alternative ways. Even if not from your hubby or things don’t improve, the same tolerance & <3 you give will come from other sources from others to you. BTW, there's an Ayah in the Quran that says Allah created Rahmah between men & their spouses. That's a fact. That Rahmah & all the comfort compassion & good feelings CAN be achieved because it IS there. Do purify your intentions for Allah's sake. Cos anyway, should things not turn out the way you wish, only Allah Ar-Raheem can reward & replace with something better (and He WILL) be it your relationship improve much later or if not, you have better forbearance, faith, joy & fulfillment in other areas, show you the way. If you put your hopes on that person alone, that's hard.. People do disappoint us from time to time. That's fact..

  7. salam wa rahma
    o’dear maryam go 4 the page “HOW 2 MAKE UR WYF HAPPY”
    hopefully all the cofusions in ur mind will b cleared
    try to keep uf self in the place of ur spouse while reading tht page n feel how difff it z 4 a man 2 create z balance btw his wyf ,kids ,fam(parents,siblings)n his financial n social responsibilities……….stay blessed amen
    fiaman Allah

  8. sister wat do you do wen ur marriage doesnt have any communication?wat do you do when ur husband just doesnt talk?doesnt even look at you when he enters the house….forget about saying assalamalikum!!wat do you do wen ur husband prefers to sleep in the kid’s bedroom and visits you only wen he needs you and then back to his bed in the kid’s room?wat do you do wen ur husband thinks he is fulfillin all his duties only by providing food, shelter and clothing?wat do you do wen ur husband is always finding fault with you and always degrading you..and yet sending you articles like these?

    • Salam sis saira…

      I personally cannot say what is wrong with ur marriage per say. I can only give an opinion based on personal experience.

      There are 2 people in a marriage and sometimes when things go wrong it is never entirely a single persons faults. With every action there is a reaction… at times we don’t even realize that there are things we are doing that will hurt our spouse. Unfortunately, we are only humans and we are weak and not perfect.

      First and foremost, we have to change ourselves. When problems happen usually it is to remind us that we need to take a look at ourselves, make changes and be closer to Allah SWT. He promised us that if we remember Him.. He will remember us. Sometimes we will always say why do I need to change when I’m not the one in the wrong? But whats wrong with changing for the better? When we want to see change in others we have to change ourselves first.

      When we are becoming closer to Allah.. All our fears, frustrations and anger will be less inshaAllah. Believe that everything in this world only happens by your Rabb’s command and everything happens for a reason. You may not see the reason now but inshaAllah you will discover it sooner or later. Pray and make duaa to Allah to help u in ur marriage. Become the best muslimah wife you can be. Start with yourself and inshaAllah you will see changes in your husband.

      Secondly, talk to your husband about it. Sometimes its the little things that make him frustrated and angry with the wife. Understand and validate his feelings and work together on the relationship. Do not play the blame game. Forgive each other and love each other for the sake of Allah even if you do not feel loving towards your husband at the moment. Know that only Allah can control matters of the heart.

      May Allah guide you and bless you with strength and patience…

    • Sit him down and find out wat is it I r doing wrong, then try and change whatever he sees in u dat is annoying him. Arguing with him is no good as he will label u a nagging wife.rather, report him to d almighty n ask him to change ur husbands attitude so dt he may please you, cry and tell ALLAH how much u want a condisive marriage and wait for his miracle. Ugs going to be a past issue in shaa ALLAH.

  9. Shivan Kamal

    Assalam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.. I really appreciate this article and I appreciate the author of the article for taking the time to write something wonderful for our muslims in Islam.. However I do have a question.. In one part of your article, it stated that a girl should if they wish to, wear mascara or lipstick(entitling make up).. Now I personally have nothing against it, and I could be wrong, which is why I do not wish to state something that is incorrect as that is a sin itself.. But isn’t there a ruling on women for the wearing of make up? Could someone or yourself please explain that a little more so that I can understand?

    Thanks again, May allah bless you for your efforts and inshallah may you get rewarded for your efforts as well..

      • Oh BELIEVE ME, i am not the one in ignorance. by writing this, you are assuming that women would be happy to fulfil all these duties.. staying at home the PERFECT 1950’S houwsewife eh 🙂 ahhh because life is that FUCKING SIMPLE IS IT. WOmen are NOT subbordinates.. we are EQUALS. Get THAT into your head. SIMPLY because a man goes to work.. and makes the money for the house (an unavoidable situation sometimes…. i know men who dont let their wives work because they want their wives to be a housewife) that they have control over the wife, that she must respect him for that reason? Dependency is one of the biggest reason as to why DOMESTIC VIOLENCE goes unreported didn’t you know? there’s ALOT of shit that goes on that you dont know about.. so dont come telling me I’M ignorant,when youre living in a perfect little bubble of your own.

        • Masyallah what anger.

          For one, yes women are equals. And speaking from experience… I hold a 9-6pm job. I go home and i take care of the household and children. I take care andlove my husband. He tells me that i don’t have to work, but i tell him that i can cope. And that if i cant, we’ll hire a helper to help with the chores. We talk, discuss and argue about everythg. Perhaps you and your husband did not communicate peacefully that it comes to that?

          Women that do not report domestic violence should be helped, and the woman has every right to ask for a divorce. In my opinion, a man who hits his wife does not deserve her.

          May Allah help you and show you the correct way 🙂

  10. Saleem ur Rahman

    Nice article and nice replies, I appreciate and honour all those women who agreed, I advise all those sisters who disagreed, that please see Islamic rituals, commands, and orders of ALLAH (S.W.T) from Islamic Perspective not from Western or Non-islamic way.
    Every person either Man or Woman who wants to marry, first read duties and responsibilities of husband and wives, before then get marry.
    This is very pathetic and ignorance that we including me nobody is honest with others, but the one beautiful and loving relationship and bond that is called Husband and wife needs, sacrifices, compromises, honour, love, commitment, good communication, listening to problems and issues of each others, helping and support, motivation, and all good things that are useful and requirements of successful married life…
    Please sisters and brothers know your responsibilities and duties about each others, I want every husband and wife must be satisfied intrinsically and extrinsically from each other..
    Women must protect and cover their bodies, and Men must not see others in a sense to become S–ually desired his heart..

    Thanks for understandings… JAZAK ALLAH

  11. I’mnot married yet, but I’m 22 and obviously the coser I get to 25 – 27 the more people start to think about my marriage. I d not like the idea of sex. I don’t wish to have sex. I don’t have ANY desire to do anything like that AT ALL. I just don’t understand it. I’ve had crushes in the past. I’ve fancied guys and all that, but I’ve never ever thought about “I can’t wait til I’m married, it’ll be so great with my husband”. I just don’t have those feelings. And it’s not about age. I’m 22. people get married when they are 18 and 20 and even younger! So what should I do then? Should I get married? Or should I not? Because I refuse to have sex. =/

    • As you have never been close to a man you do not realize if you have those desires yet maybe your feelings may change when your married and close to your husband in ways other than intimacy.

  12. @ Shivan Kamal…you can wear whatever make up you want infront of your husband just no make up outside of the house and infront of non mehrams…but for hubby it is fine 😀

    • I just wanted to say that sometimes it’s hard for a women to do all of these things if she is not getting much from her husband. May be you could shed some light on how to deal with difficult situations that arise in marriage

  13. asallammualaikum..
    Masha Allah, what a great article, very informative and educated , thank you for the share
    Alhamdulillah i’m single n not married yet, but reading this article really open my mind, and make me learning and know how to treat my future husband later. I mean i have a lot of friends r already married or not married, but man always be man, they need love, care n attention. Its true after work hard outside, sure he wants his wife to cheer him up n makes him feel secure, relax,etc. I think with a good communication, respecting, honest and many other good habits, it will be a good life could be, insha Allah amiin. We have to look our Prophet (peace & shalawat upon Him ) how our Prophet build his marriage even with more than 1 wives, our Prophet can be fair n all His wives love Him. We have to follow Aishah RA and Khadijah how their treat our Prophet ( bless and shalawat upon Him ).
    I think be a best friend for our husband is very important, who else he can share his problem n thoughts if not his wife..? If he feel relax n safe to tell his story, thoughts and problem, it mean he trust us as a wife, and its a good way to build strong and good communication. In Islam, it is allow for man having wive more than one, it is written in Quran, because man have a lot of desire, as long he can be equal and fair to all his wives. So as wive that his husband didn’t do polygamy, i think they have to be more greatful and treat her husband very well because her husband really respect her and feel secure only have one wife for him. Islam ways is very beautiful as long as we always follow Al Quran & Prophet sunnah, Insha Allah, amiin
    WELL im sorry if i have mistake with all i wrothe in this article, i wish all of us will have a lot of advantage and knowledge and help each other as a moslem 🙂

  14. assalamo alaikom….
    i was so blessed to have read this article…
    thank you so much for sharing…it helped me a lot…
    may Allah (swt) bless you more!

  15. Asslaamu alaikum,

    Excellent article.
    1. I struggle with understanding the sexual connotations of Hur ‘Ain when in Jannah we would have no sexual desire? Desire is produced by our hormones to encourage reproduction, protection of species etc. Is this maybe not a metaphor – I certainly wouldn’t want to deal with 2, let alone 70 consorts!
    2. Muslim wife at home does not equal 1950’s oppressed Western women – Islam grants intrinsic value to female waaay higher than male. Western secular rationalism bases individual value on material criteria.

    May Allah open our hearts and deepen our understanding.

  16. Peace to all my sisters, I have read the article and all the remarks ,and I feel that the comments made had to do both with the sunna and the experiences of each person’s marriage. I feel and think that if you have a husband who is the provider,protector and maintainter in the marriage, then you will be an attentive wife who shows respect,love ,care and possess all the traits that your husband will love about being in the marriage with you. I am appreciative of any helpful advice that is noted and will use of it what I want,if I feel the need to do so.Thank you!

  17. Dr. Mujahid

    My brothers & sisters plz understand that what publisher want to say, dont judge him, allah may blessed us for our happy married life And JAZZAKALLAHU KHAIRAN to the publisher, amin.

  18. to sister meriam u had the evil sister inlaw i had the evil mother inlaw may allah destroy them for destroying our lives pluss everyone says that the man needs permission to marry the second wife let me just say this [yeh right keep thinking that] maybe our religion does say that but who these days actually does what our religion says 1001% no one does and if anyone comments back and says that they do ur lying to ur self alot of ppl treat religion especally islam to their own liking islam is broken up into so manny [mazehib] its not funny no more and everyone wants to prove that their mazhab is right men will always find away to make their woman look bad if hes got another woman on the side .

  19. hamida bithi

    Assalamu Alaikum,

    All our complaints, all our issues, all our problems would be solved if you simply did one thing. That is doing every good deed just to please Allah Sub’hanahu Wa Ta’ala. A sister, or a brother will find it difficult to accept the rules of Allah unless they have that special, the most unique, the most beautiful connection with our Lord. Only when a person has true knowledge of Qur’an & Sunnah, he or she will understand life is a test, & whatever Allah commanded is to see who are best in deeds, and who can pass those tests only for the sake of Allah.

    And the rest, Allah knows best!

    • yes i agree with you…i think defo that faith has major part in life and will always make you think twice before saying something which you may not like it later but the damage is done so why not avoid it by turning to Allah

  20. As Allah is my witness I just want to say I Love her so much if only she knew and I could tell her :'(.

    • so why dont you tell her if you love her so much..it will only strengthen your marriage by opening up to her.

  21. This article works for those who are with their wives… It doesn’t work for me becaz I am far away from my wife working abroad and I can see my wife once in year or two for a month…

    Two years r finished of my marriage, I spent one and half month with her.. I m sure I don’t know anything about her likes and dislikes…

    Life is becoming very confusing I don’t know wat to do… I can’t afford to bring her and it’s also hard to leave the job..

  22. As salamu alaikum
    I get so tired of always the women, women, women! The men don’t put effort into anything, except complain about the finances, men should also give 100% , it should be 50/50, not 90% from the woman and 10% from the man. Men should also keep themselves to their wife instead of looking around at women that are practically naked, the men should also bathe, shave regularly, keep oral hygiene, wear deodorant, etc etc. It is like the brothers expect for the women to be the doer of everything, and when the woman works as well it is expected for the woman to do everything, not fair in my opinion. And these are my opinions! What I don’t like or appreciate that men will preach, want you to follow their lead when they don’t follow themselves, smoking, drinking non alcoholic beer etc etc. I say practice what you preach! I could go on and on! So rewrite articles so that brothers could also follow and do and not take sisters for granted that they will be there. In my house there is no boss only two individuals, who can try to compromise with the relationship. There are my opinions!

  23. Assalamu’alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!

    About you didn’t have desire to have married. It’s honestly little bit scarry. Maybe you shall go to some “Ulama” or Psychologist (no offense).
    About you refuse to have sex. it’s okay to not having sex in a marriage live. So, your husband cannot force you to do so(because it’s a “secondary” need). My Parent’s never do that(sex). I just knew that. 🙂

    Q: But, what if i want to find husband that will truly love me?
    A: Find a husband that love Allah, not you. Because If he love Allah he will love you because of Allah.

    You Also have to love Allah. Do what Allah ask and stay away from anything that prohibited. 😉

  24. Asalam alaikum,
    What an interesting article maa’sha Allah.. To be candid the woman is the key to a peaceful home..yea right! Just that our modern men are becoming so insensitive & they take their Wife for granted all to hide under Islamic rulings.. It’s frustrating sometimes but Allah knows best & may be guide us aright…AMEEN

  25. Well, to add on…when he is sharing his talks with u dont advise. mine one never liked it. They share their problems and want us to just listen not to solve.. They like to solve that by their selves.

  26. Wahida Khanom

    It’s all about men being happy how about when the wife is being treated like crap, hubby don’t care or appreciate what is being done for him. Doesn’t please his wife with good words instead criticism is all he does. What your philosophy towards this.

  27. Assalamualaykum.. I just married about a year ago. since I’m married, I have tried everything I can to be good and humble wife. I doing it all only for Allah’s sake. I have done almost everything based on the article (InshaAllah). I doing it because I love him. what makes me feel disappointed is, my husband never appreciated what I have done for him. for him, I must do it all because it was my “duty” as a wife. I never feel my husband doing the same to me. I must listen everything he say, and he never want to listen my opinion at all. everything I say or do, was wrong for him. he never want to learn and understand my feelings, my opinion, also what I like and what I hate the most. He always forced me to accept his life style but ignoring mine.. since I’m married, I have become a “different” person. I was like “losing my old personality”. my life now like a puppet to him. sometimes I do considering to divorce, even I knew that was what Allah most hate about. I really missed my single life, together with my parent and my siblings. I can do whatever I want and choose what I like for my own life. I dont know what to do.. :'(

  28. Have an honest talk with him. Mention his duties and yours. And mention that he must change, for Allah’s pleasure.
    Be patient, make Dua and InshaAllah things will improve.
    “And he created mates for you, so YOU COULD DWELL WITH THEM IN TRANQUILITY.”

  29. Jazakallahu khairan
    Hmmmmm sister mariam wake up nd tink well….I tnk u re frustrated or somtin…perform wudoo nd pray mak du,a nd ask Allah to show u d ryte path weather u lyk it or not men re always b4 women
    For dose with problem am really sorry abt ur probs I hav mine too #sobs…we all do bt dats life for us….life is’nt a bed of roses…..let’s pray nd mak du’a for one another
    Alhamdullilah I AM A MUSLIM….could’nt ask for more…….
    FIAMAN’ALLAH

  30. assalamualaikum wrt,

    i found this article is very inspiring and make me want to fix myself to strengthen my marriage.

    but i could not help but felt disappointed with my husband attitudes these days. he do not make any efforts to please me whenever i am sad with him (i am sad because he work 24/7 without any efforts to at least call me for 5 minutes talk). he will just leave me with my emotion and tears alone. he left me for days or sometimes even weeks in silence without any efforts to contact me (we live long distance marriage) ,make communication and fix the relationship. when i try to call him, he will talk to me like i am nothing which make me do not want to talk to him. i lost hope on him and slowly lost respect on him.

    i felt so hopeless and tired of this relationship with him being so effortless.

  31. Bismillaah and salaam everybody
    I think that this article is great MashaAllah but i see people commenting in a negative way. First of all, marriage goes two ways. It is about what you put in that will come out whether it’s positive or negative. Secondly, i see some saying why they should they dress up for their husbands and how it’s degradin. Well, i think dressing up and looking beautiful is so important for our selfesteem too and has a positive out look. The article didnt degrade women, it is educating us on subject that is important in our lives. Respecting your hubby is not degradin, listening to your hubby is not degrading, it is also respecting yourself as an understanding approachable woman. Theyre all part of building a long lasting rlnship. Theyre part of mutual communications.
    Salaam

  32. assalamualaykum.
    I think, to those women who think negatively of this article, wife’s roles and their husband, is all because in this article it only focus to what women/wife should do to capture husband’s heart. so they feel like everything is unfair.

    but dear sisters, if u know what really islam teaches us, u won’t feel that way. because the husband also have roles to capture his wife’s heart, husband also need to take care of his body and appearance and look at his best in front of his wife, husband need to take care of wife’s need, need to be wife’s friend and listen to her whenever she talk.

    rasulullah saw gave guidelines to women in finding a husband which is, find a man with DEEN and AKHLAQ. if u marry a man with poor akhlaq, then im sure u will feel like being suppressed or oppressed, and u may feel marriage life torturous.

    and to brothers, remember rasulullah saw said, ‘the best man is one who is good and best to his wife’.

  33. A Follower

    Assalamualaikum warahamatuallahi wabarakatahu

    Dear Sisters & Brothers,

    Alhumdulillah nice article. I have read the article & the comments made by the sisters & brothers. I have been married for 7 Months it’s still an early stage in married life. I have read and understood what my responsibilities are as a husband, we have arguements, discussions. Most of the times my wife is understanding & caring Alhumdulillah. During the arguements we angry on each other n dont talk for some time, as my anger comes down i make wadu n pray make dua after that i try n speak to her, n convince her to end the arguement, but sumtimes i feel why i shud go n speak to her always, she never tries to do that. I remind myself that i love her for the sake of Allah. Allah is the one who sees what is in your heart & others. To make my relationship work, i will do anything for the sake of Allah. I love my wife for the sake of Allah.. Whenever you fell that something is wrong or your spouse is not understading, remember Allah, make Dua, In’sha Allah Everything will be alright…

    Jazkallah Khair

  34. A lot of these so called Muslim women sound exactly like the feminist women in America. Constantly complaining and insulting men, insisting their husbands are alcoholics, beat them, etc. While it’s possible that does happen, the feminists in America exaggerate and it is actually rare even among non-Muslims. A man’s natural instinct is to protect and to care for a woman. The vast majority of men are “beta” males and physically attacking women is even punished by other men in society, not to mention the large Domestic Violence units and laws from police and family court.

    I would expect these Muslim women display all the other traits of feminist women: aggressiveness, insulting men constantly, disrespecting men, refusing to do any household chores whatsoever etc. These women may have had several boyfriends and many sexual partners prior to marriage, like most feminist American women do.

    In my family and friends I have seen good marriages, for Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Not one good marriage has a feminist woman, regardless of religion.

    Feminism is the new great religion of the world. It is a cancer, and I am certain it has shown up many times in history as well.

  35. This is an extremely one-sided article. Muslim men (not to generalise) have been given a high status in Islam and they have abused this and forgotten to read what comes with that role. I’m speaking from experience. I agreed to polygamy, agreed to cohabit with the second wife, loved her children like my own and he still managed to pursue other women for *fun* while the 2 of us stayed home, fight and are generally unhappy. We have both asked for separate houses but he has threatened to take our children from us if we leave. At the same time, if we retaliate or dare say our grievances, we get slapped. We are not allowed to leave the house even if we are short of groceries when he travels even if its across the street.

    Where should he (our husband) go to learn on how to treat his wives better? His first reason for putting us together is money. Now that he has a big job and money, the reason is he wants the kids together. It doesn’t matter if the wives are unhappy about sharing a house and seeing the other with the husband all the time.

    Give me an article on what a husband should do to please and ensure his wives are an equal partner and his best friend, rather than just a sex slave, a cleaner, a babysitter, a tutor, an Islamic teacher, an admin assistant, a gardener, a laundromat, a cook, a masseuse? And when it comes to serious topics, we are the not the ones whom he talk to because women have no place for discussing real life issues because we have no brains for it.

    Of all the roles we play, dear husband, if you think God has give you the highest status in the world, you got it wrong. The king who doesn’t care for his people always ends with a mutiny in his hands if not an assassination and the proudest falls the hardest. And there is no loophole for you to be forgiven after having all the fun you’ve had. If you are so arrogant that you think you are smarter than God that you can even play Him, you are just kidding yourself.

  36. Yes allah(swt)allowed polygamy in islam but hw many muslim men practised islam d way
    allah(swt)ordained?
    I ve been married 4 25yrs discussed wit my husband on d issue of a second wife allah(swt)b my witness I wish well 4 my husband.but my bloved husband turn islam to do the opposite.
    I felt btrayed by myhusband because 1knws wat transpired btw us n no 1. Knws d real truth n my once happy home is heading 4a divorce. I adviced men pls to look and discussed d issue of a second wife with the 1that has bn der for u. 4long think abt d pain u ll cause her wen u btray her trust n. Jus berge in wit a new wife jus like that.allah(swt)lknws I loved my husband n wished him well but d way he btryed me broke my heart n my once house happy. Home is desolate n. I ve bloodpressure .we r headin our. Different ways I pray 2allah 2 make our muslim knw d truth about polygamy.

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