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Крыніца : peacepropagation.com
By Nadhra Salman.
After interacting with many women, I’ve discovered something really strange.Women differ a lot in nature, unlike men.It is Because most men have the same habits and are coarse in most aspects.On the contrary women are thought to be polite, soft and sweet,which is actually not true!!.Few women are as tough as leather while others are as sweet as honey,some are extremely loving and caring while many are extremely cold,proud and inconsiderate.
So depending upon her nature, a woman can either make her house a Jannah (Рай) or even worse than hell….
In old age,women often tend to lose their patience and scold children,their daughters or their daughter in laws.Most girls assume their mother in laws to be harsh and some even call them Dracula, but if we observe closely then we’ll come to know that they possess a loving heart.Its just the age factor and few other factors that make them sound strict and harsh. We should never judge a book by its cover.If one’s mother in law sounds really harsh or always sarcastic, even then a girl should always respect her, take good care of her and spend her energies in making her happy(coz it’s a difficult task).Most importantly she should consider her as her own mother and behave accordingly.
Алах кажа “Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind (Ihsan) to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. І, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: Гасподзь мой! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” [Al-Quran 17:23]
“Your lord has decreed that you worship non but him and show kindness to parents. If one or both reach old age with you then do not say uff! To them nor repulse them, but speak graciously to them”[Al-Quranl 17:23]
The most important thing of all is she should always remain silent and never rebuke.A girl who is willing to make her house a really peaceful place should sacrifice a bit by making silence a policy in front of her mother in law. In this way she also pleases Allah and will get immense reward for her patience.
Алах кажа: ”Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full,without reckoning” [Al-Quran 39:10]
”And verily,whosoever shows patience and forgives,that would truly be from the things recommended by Allah” [Al-Quran 42:43]
It has also been observed that many girls who are polite, and behave well towards their mother in law are often loved greatly by their husbands.On the other hand if there are always fights going on in any house, man gets disturbed and it affects him so he seeks a solution for this problem and may also end up in divorcing her.
Sometimes its also seen that men become their wives servants and forsake their mothers. That is extremely unethical,immoral and displeases Allah greatly.So men should keep balance b/w the two and should always keep in mind that its just coz of their mothers that they have attained this much height so a new woman to a family shouldn’t make him forget the old one; Because ”OLD IS ALWAYS GOLD”. Moreover by displeasing Allah no can please others.
Allah says in Quran: “O humankind! Be in awe of your Lord and Sustainer, He who created you all from a single soul, and created from it its mate, and from the two of them brought forth many men and women. Be in awe of Allah and of the wombs (that bore you). Surely Allah is watching over you”. [Al-Quran 4:1]
Narrated by Aisha Umm al-Muminin: “I asked the Prophet (sas): Who has the greatest right over a woman? Ён (sas) сказаў:муж . я сказаў: And who has the greatest right over a man? Ён (sas) сказаў:his mother .”(Al-Haakim – taken from Fiqh As-Sunnah)
In another hadith it has been reported by Abu Huraira:
I asked, “Messenger of Allah, to whom should I be dutiful?” Ён адказаў, “Your mother.” I asked, “Then whom?” Ён адказаў, “Your mother.” I asked, “Then whom?” Ён адказаў, “Your mother.” I asked, “Then whom?” Ён адказаў, “Your mother.” I asked, “Then to whom should I be dutiful?” Ён адказаў, “Your father,and then the next closest relative and then the next.”…..(Saheeh Muslim)
Unfortunately where materialism and liberalism has affected the non-Muslims, it has not left Muslims unaffected,especially our women,who have lost their ability to think in their attempts to gain temporary pleasures of this world. They love to imitate the kuffar (Non-Muslims) and violate laws set by Allah. Many are negligent in their duties towards Islam.
A Muslim woman who wishes to gain Allah’s acceptance, should always make efforts to please Allah. She should always keep in her mind the Jannah and rewards that Allah has promised for believing women.
She should avoid rivalry and disputes with her mother in law by staying tolerant and ignore her short comings. This can happen if she starts loving her for the sake of Allah.And Allah loves those who love others for His sake. Thinking about worldly comforts and interests might jeopardize her position among Allah’s blessed slaves. She should remain wise and totally reject the idea of bartering this transitory life for the eternal one.
Allah says in Quarn: «Сапраўды! As for those who believe and do righteous deeds, вядома! We shall not suffer to be lost the reward of anyone who does his (righteous) deeds in the most perfect manner”. [Al-Quran 18:30]
This doesn’t mean that i am supporting those mother in laws who harass or physically or mentally torture their daughter in laws. Allah Almighty is very merciful and just. If a woman’s survival becomes difficult due to extreme cruelty of her mother in law and she believes that she can’t bear or compromise, then Islam has given her a right to ask for khula. If any couple fails to live in harmony then they can separate.
Алах кажа: “If the efforts for settlement are unsuccessful then you may separate in accordance with the instructions given by Allah Almighty . Do not let the fear of being left without provision become a hurdle in separation. The Divine System will provide for you in abundance. Allah Almighty is Bountiful and Wise. [Al-Quran 4:130]
Another important thing that contributes to a happy life, which most women ignore is to remain silent in front of their husbands. There are some who keep on complaining about their circumstances as a consequence many men out of desperation seek unlawful haraam (forbiddened) sources of income and in this way prepare themselves and their husbands to be the fuel of hell fire. In this case too,its all about being patient and silent. Much could be overcome if only women possess these qualities.
It has been narrated on the authority of Ibn ‘Umar that the Holy Prophet (May be upon him) said A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Сцеражыся, every one of you is a guardian and every one of you shall be questioned with regard to his trust. (Сахіх Муслім)
Our history is full of women of character,the women of Jannah. The Ummahaat and their dedication towards Islam,their patience and their dislike for the worldly goods.
Hazrat Asmaa Bint Abu Bakr a noble woman,daughter of a rich man, at the time when she got married to Hazrat Zubair,he had only a horse and was very poor .She faced all hardships with patience and was thankful to Allah.
She reported: “az-Zubair (Ibn al-`Awwam, the cousin of the Prophet Mohammad, through his aunt) married me. He had neither wealth, slave or anything else like it, except a camel (to get water) and a horse. I used to graze his horse, [provide fodder to it and look after it, and ground dates for his camel. Besides this, I grazed the camel], made arrangements for providing [it with] water and patched up [яго] leather bucket and kneaded the flour. But I was not proficient in baking the bread, so my female neighbors used to bake bread for me [and they were sincere women]. And I used to carry on my head the stones (seeds) of the d~tes from az-Zubair’s land which Allaah’s Messenger had endowed him, and it was at a distance of two miles (from Madinah).
To make her home filled with love,peace and Allah’s blessing a woman should compromise and do everything in her power to prevent the destruction of her married life.
Therefore in many cases silence is the best policy- women should inculcate this
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Крыніца : peacepropagation.com
[About Author: This Article has been authored by Sister Nadhra Salman, who is a devout and practicing Muslim Woman. She is an active writer on Islam and conveys the message of Islam through her writings.]
I can see where this article is coming from, but the hadiths mentioned above refer explicitly to parents, and your explanations refer to a mother in law. I know a husband would like his wife to treat his mother the same way she treats her own. However a mother in law also has an obligation to reciprocate that respect and love. A mother in law can never be a mother and although one should respect their in laws, Islam does not demand a daughter in law to look after her in laws if she does not wish to. One should always look after their own parents, and Islamically that is the duty bestowed upon us. There is no point looking after your mother in law when you neglect the primary duty of looking after your own parents. This happens in alot of cultures, and although I agree with the fact that elders should always be respected no matter how rude or spiteful they may be. I can’t help but mention the fact that this article has some cultural bias in it, where a woman is expected to suffer in silence, serve her in laws dutifully and not ask for rights that Allah has given her and culture and mankind has taken away.
I agree with Zarah on so many levels..I do believe that at times the wife should stay silent but I have seen time and time again that the woman is bearing so much just to save her marriage. Only so long you can do it on ur own, it should be a 2 way thing. And regarding taking care of in laws i believe the best solution to catering for their needs is by living seperately this creates the healthiest relationship between everyone. I feel staying with in laws is the cause of problems between husband wife, wife and in laws. But the article did have some very good points.
i agree girls with u 2 esp zahra x
Yes u are right, я згодны з табой
why a women in this article is assumed to take khula just because of mother in law? will she not b punished of creating misunderstanding n seperation b/w wife n husband although it is mentioned in hadith that shaitan becomes most happy with that shaitan who made the couple to fight n in seperation n divorce vl it not b considered? if all the efforts to make mother in law happy doesn’t work then what should a girl do in such a situation?
Ананім
Good question Asma. My MIL almost caused a divorce when my daughter was only 2 гадоў. 10 years later I am still married, Alhamdulillah but I still have to deal with her manipulating ways. And why must women keep silent? Isn’t this why these MILs just keep doing what they do?
Completely agree with Zarah. The hadiths referred to are talking about parents rather than in-laws. And while I also agree that in-laws should most certainly be respected, they are not the same as our own parents. Таксама, while I do believe that women should try their hardest to keep the peace in the family, I don’t see how that necessarily equates to being “silent.” If you know that something being said or done is wrong, it should be your obligation to mention it, albeit respectfully. Therefore I think it is wise to watch your tongue and think before you speak, and offer the bits of guidance that come to mind, rather than to not speak at all. Who knows, it might stop trouble in its track or cause someone to think twice before doing something haraam.
I didn’t finish reading the article but it seems to be going on in the vein that the onus for building a harmonious home and marriage lies completely with the woman and woman only. Not precise nor is it accurate when one considers the fact that man is at least 50% of that relationship and also the fact that women are by nature relational, therefore have relationship needs, therefore will express them…hence defying the explicit instruction within the article to the woman to ‘remain silent’. Disappointingly typical rhetoric.
yeah its somewhat bias but i also hav something to know regarding how to treat a mother in law when it comes to a husband. like a husband manipulate things to destry the mother daughter relationship and fought with the mother in law most so often and even tell many times or more than 3 times that he is divorcing his wife to his in law. but the wife tried to pacify the husband not to divorce for the sake of kids till the respect to his wife was gone and the husband became like the wife who nags the wholenight while the wife kept her silence coz she cannot giv herself to her husband due to depression for her husbands attitude who took advantage of her weakness and who always tells lie regarding the wife and her family. and the wife demands a divorce coz she no longer can take her husbands lies, manipulation and even blackmail her for the kids. and in addition to that, the wife is an ofw to help in sustaining the needs of the family and kids education. так, my questions are, can a wife demands a divorce and or if their marriage is still valid due to his multiple expressing in divorcing her wife since i know that 3 times a husband said talak is valid in islam. what can the wife do if the husband now refusing a divorce but the wife insisted it coz she feels she no longer can live in one roof with her husband due to his becoming worst attitude and afraid of the future that the husband could do some physical action to his wife and thats what the wife wants to prevent, the future effect for the family’s peace…what if the husband hardly refused the divorce but the wife too intense also to have a divorce coz she think she will die in his hands and she is also no longer capable of serving him as a wife…thank u for this long complicated situation…
That silence is golden depends on the situation. Women tend to have differences over major and minor issues. Women are, пасля Усяго, more emotional creatures. Keeping silent over petty squabbles is best and the woman is better off thinking, what would I do if my mother was standing before me. Сапраўды гэтак жа, the mother-in-law should be thinking, would I be saying these things to my own daughter.
I agree with the other comments regarding the cultural bias. A women should speak up when there is right and wrong involved, and respectfully. A muslimah is a thinking woman. She should not have to keep silent if what is going on around her is wrong, Islamically, morally and ethically.
It is sad that a Muslim woman advises women to shut up and be silent. This article is the exact antithesis of advancement of women rights. But the real sad thing is; it is done in the name of Islam. My heart sinks when this kind of speach comes from a woman.
The article is great jazakallah but seems sisters are seeing it biased. If so then write on brothers as well.
Truth is silence can be golden in some issues but not in an unjust situation. Our oppressers can not be ignored we talk it out and try educate them.
Salam alaykum…
Summary of the article:”women must support every thing, suffer in silence, take care of everything, and never disturbe their husbands by their problems with their mothers in laws, and this is the good woman”
this article scared me!! who read it feel like marriage is a panishement, a war..!!.. woman is a humanbeen like man she can get angry, she can do a reflex against unjastise.. this is normal.. but in this article she has to suffer in silence and she w’ll be rewarded by JANNAH..!! I know women who became psychopath because of this policy (supporting every thing and never say a word).. woman is sensible and she can’t be perfect! and her husband must be fair b/w his mother and his wife.. mother is mother and wife is wife.. and man is a part of this; he can’t stay away and watch..! stress and pression make the woman unable to do anything, she can’t do her role as a mother and as a wife.. contrary she w’ll be a nervous woman and all this has repercussions on her married life..
(remarque: abuse and maltreatment; physical or psychological; can condition ‘sterility’ for woman.. because of hormonal imbalance.)
This article is misleading and an insult.!! This why so much abuse of females goes on in Muslim ‘World’. If your Mo. In Law is mean/rude/trying to run-control YOUR home, wife be quiet. if your spouse abuses/negelcts you/keeps you from schooling and obtaining a Skill, keep quiet. If a girl is married off to some man she doesn’t know or want, жаночага полу, “Be Quiet”.. Your Guardian or parent owes a Opium or ___,? debt and the girls are sold-off, mom/females, “be quiet” !! I Thank ALLAH swt, I am living in America, in spite of it’s problems and Islamophobia. Get a Doll or a dog , if a man wants “SIlence”. Women have no voice in the Masjids affairs and Finances (in America, where OLD School, immigrant chauvinists men, still control masjids. And females and Youth have NO voice, or overseas!!). Husband doesn’t want to work, but uses the wife’s welfare benefits, yet complains about ,”The Koofar….”, here in America, but wife , “be quiet”. A husband takes on another wife, he CANNOT afford, жонка “be quiet”. A husband abuses sexually/physically step-children or his children,…. , маці , ‘be quiet”. Husband owns or works at a Liquor store, жонка , “be quiet!!
Па-першае, the article is good. Па-другое, the article only mentioned about how a women who is already married should interact with their mother in-law. There is no wrong in that, it’s just not fully elaborate enough in doing so (silence is not the only way, it is just the best method like it mentioned). Most of you might already know about it, but let me remind you (жанчыны) again why woman got the special advantage in Islam to be easily accepted into Heavens and what it is. It’s easy; absolute obedience to ALLAH and Prophet Muhammad (іслам), and obey your husband command (as long as he didnt order the ‘haraam’; which is forbidden in Islam). Do those and you will be granted the Heaven that are promised to those who seek for ALLAH forgiveness. For men, that’s not the case. They have a greater task to be done in life to gain that (ALLAH blessing & His Heaven). Bias? не, it is a role bestowed upon us human. Equality? Dont let me start on it. Easily said, do we like to be a robot who all look the same and who all do have the same task doing the same thing again and again for all eternity? It’s called variation; varities, differents which make life more colourful and more entertaining. Ну, if you ever wonder, why cant a woman do what a man do? The answer is, yes you can. But on a base that a woman is not married. But then she must obey her parents. As you can see, it is the same thing but with a different situation. But the task is even greater, the same as a man task! Дык вось, how many of you that truly obey your parents? I’ll leave that question for you yourself to answer it, because only you know thy self..
For those who didnt know, a wife should not obey or devote herself for her in-law parents for she is no more obliged to obey their own parents! Please notice the priority and speciality bestowed upon a person who is entitled WIFE!
*Re-read the narration from Aisya Umm Al-Mu’minin
silence is a good policy but not always best.and practical implementation of this policy always leaves a muslimah on areceiving end in this world not to speak of innumerable benefits in the hereafter.moreover in this process of being mute children tend to suffer tremendously whose personality is adversely affected in the long run.there should be a more practical and islamic approach.Allah knows best.
didn’t find this article good.. u said if a women can’t tolerate her mother inlaws behaviour nd all that then she had an option for khulaa how ever islam has given right to a women to have her own home seperately… nd if a women treats good to his husbands mother or father do khidmat to them then its her kindness not her duty!!
Ассаламу алейкум,
Whilst I can appreciate the other sisters response to this article, I don’t think it is how the writer intended it. And whilst the hadith do refer to ones own parents, personally for me I’d like to apply those to my parent in laws too, after all I’d like to be treated like a daughter so should I not treat them as my parents.
This article reminded me of the story of Ibrahim, when he visited his son and found only his daughter in law there. When asked how things were going she only complained. He left a message for his son to change the threshold of his gate – meaning to divorce his wife. Theres a powerful lesson to be learnt here, the friend of Allah, the Prophet who exceeded in his tasks and the one who is a great example of tawukkul in Allah advised his son to divorce his wife because she complained (albeit to a stranger) too much.
Yes there is some cultural bias in this article but as always take the good and leave the bad. I think its fair to say that generally sisters go in to marriages with horror stories of mother in laws and vice versa and I’m sure that impacts the relationship somewhat. But its also fair to say that its probably a scary realisation for the husband to consider that his wife and mother will not get along.
I would much rather have positive thoughts and not go into marriage preparing for a battle with the mother in law. And not to forget that if Allah is pleased with you then he will cause the people to be pleased with you – you don’t have to suffer in slience to please Allah. But Allah rewards the patient and the article mentions some beautiful examples of hardships faced by the beautiful mothers of our Ummah.
Ma’salama
I feel that some important points have been covered in the article. This is perhaps a key reason why some of the marital problems within the Muslim community exist. 2 points: I agree to some extent with some of the responses here that mother in-laws should reciprocate. Аднак, point 2, some of the comments on this thread are examples of women in contemporary not being able to swallow the truth. The reality is men and women are equal, так, however they have different duties in life, which is why they have different roles to play. I.e. men join the army. Аднак, problems in today’s society are a result of both men and women failing to properly understand their role within society.
Assalmuilkum! I read the article & I see it as very un-inslamic in my opinion! Allah clearly gave us women rights, he brought down the laws of “preventing the death of daughters” marriage rights etc. I refuse to believe Im apart of a faith that lowers the standards of its women & suggest that they should not only be silent but put up with the bad manners of parents in laws or otherwise. Parents- Mothers especially need to realise that respect goes both ways. Allah doesnt favour anyone but his devoted slaves who follow the Quran. I think that the verses for being good to parents means the GOOD ones, like Ibrahim (ПБУХ) not the ones who use their given status to force evil fate in their childrens lives. All this talk of never even questioning your parents for any reasons is like worshipping them to me & I reserve that privilege for Allah only. My parents are both Muslim, Alhumdulillah and guess what?! They use “respect your parents or you wont see paradise” to blackmail us like most muslim parents do. Mother in laws need to get a grip! Their supposed to be raising men not boys who are still being breast fed after marriage. Its a sin to interfer in a marriage- thats an agreement between Allah (SWT), чалавек & жонка. If mothers want to be the shaitan in the middle & sow discourse then they deserve pity & distance & not respect. We are muslims not doormats! We can behave how we need to when we have no choice. Be good to those who are good & leave the ones who have forgotten their duty as a believer are willing to destroy a man from his beautiful rib (жонка) & Алах ведае лепш! Please stop brain washing sisters into staying quiet, the female Ummah are suffering enough! Muslim sisters empower yourselves, the prophet Adam & Eve (PBUT) have rights to us all, after all they are the true parents of this dunya! Мір & Love 🙂
Agreed Amina, agreed 🙂
I agree that daughter in-laws should try and keep the peace, but often we hear that the mother in-laws are petty, more than the daughter in-laws. And mother in-laws are not the same as mothers. Mothers love us unconditionally, but we do find cases where the mother in-laws don’t approve of the daughter in-laws, and therefore find a problem with everything they do. SO, even though the mother in-law deserves respect, she does not have the same status as a MOTHER, the MOTHER raised the child, not the mother in-law. А што тычыцца “suffering in silence”? I believe that even Aisha (Р.А) argued with the Prophet (ПБУХ) at times, yet she was his favourite wife…so silence? Not exactly the best policy. Да таго ж, if the women is expected to remain silent to keep the peace, then so should the husband. This article was probably written with good intentions, but unfortunately it makes it seem like it’s the woman that’s always the problem.
I just wanted to say it was Hadrat khadija who was Prophet Mohammad saw’s favourite who he used to praise infront of Hadrat Aisha ra even. Hadrat Khadija was known as the most humble and non jealous woman, also Prophet saw did not marry another till she passed away. Hadrat Aisha was the youngest hence the most cared for. but again in todays world we cant compare ourselves with any of the prophets wives from the past.
Don’t agree with the article at all. It’s probably written for people who live within a sub-continental culture, not Islamic culture. If the husbands mother (the word ‘mother-in-law is misleading cause it gives the impression of some other woman being your mother or even close to it) is difficult and is imposing in your marriage, move away and live your married life. She is not the problem of the daughter in law. She is the problem of the son. If she is difficult, the son has to deal with it. If she is demanding, the son has to deal with it. Nothing to do with the daughter in law. This is a completely un – Islamic solution. Silence is not a solution. Educating the ignorant jahilliyah masses about their religion is the key.
Assalamu caleykum to all my sisters and brothers,
I think it is a shame for us to attack our sister who took the time to write this piece of advise. Just like many of you guys I do not agree with alot of what she said but that does not mean we have the right to attack her. Just like each and everyone of us she is also entitled to her own opinion. If you don’t agree with her that is fine but we should repect her opinion. Even though it is sister Nadhra’s opinion to remain silent it is not an obligation in Islam so I don’t understand why many of you are anger. I would like to thank sister Nadhra for taking the time to write this article and telling us her views.
Thank you for the article. Really appreciate your efforts.
Але. This article is misleading.
I agree with little in this article. It calls on women to take the emotional burden for adults who should be behaving more, like adults. Women should not take abuse and sacrifice their peace of heart and mind so she can maintain a fake ‘happy marriage’. Men and mothers-in-law also have responsibilties, which includes the emotional wellbeing of a dauther-in-law / жонка.
Women are strong and the role model for each child.
I would encourage women to have courage and tackle situations constructively, as everyone deserves a peaceful life so they can be the best person they can and worship the Lord, and not always be in distress and unhappy, bcuz someone else dumped their unhappiness on her.
A women should never stay silent when she is experiencing mental torture and abuse, what about her happiness, what about her iman? Why should she suffer? And for how long must she wait and why should she wait when she has options to choose seek peace.
Abuse can harm someone to the core, we become numb to the pain, we start to believe its ok and we start to believe its the norm when its not. This is not helpful, it doesn’t help the women who is suffering to find a solution, how could she be told to stay silent!