Ipakigbahin Kini
Tinubdan : jannah.org : 'Ang edad mao ang X nga hinungdan sa kaminyoon?'
A good friend of mine once got rejected by a guy because she was one year older than he was. Turns out she wasn’t but that was the original reason. Not sure why it didn’t work out after he found out??.. but anyways this brings me to the point of this post. What is it with desis and age? They’re like obsessive about marrying someone younger than them (the guys I mean.) And I’m not talking like a lot of years even…like even a year or two (or even months!) is horrifying to them. Sometimes guys give the reason that they’re looking for someone more fertile like in case they have kids.
Ummm last I looked women were having kids at 40+ and again I’m not talking about huge age difference but the year or two or even around 5 of their own age. Does it make that big a difference? And the weirdest thing is that as guys get older they want even younger women. Guys who are 30 want to marry 20 year olds… guys who are 50 want to marry 30 year olds. Uhhhhhhhm strange (or gross really). Is it because they want to feel young again? Is it because they want to feel like they are smarter, more experienced, more wise? Do they feel like they can mold a younger woman more easily or that she’ll most likely be more submissive? Do they feel like a younger wife will take care of them in old age or that it’s just the natural way of things that should be upheld? No idea.
Doesn’t seem like compatibility is any type of an issue here though. Every study says the closer in age people are, the more alike they are, the more compatible they are. Sa pagkatinuod, desis seem to look for a whole host of things that have nothing to do with compatibility, like skin color…shade of skin color, a certain type of “beauty” look (don’t get me started on this), ancestral background, even… parent’s jobs. No joke, I had a guy (extremely religious) tell me straight up he wanted to marry a girl who was the daughter of an engineer, being one himself. OK. I’m sure this will ensure your domestic bliss. Pag-usab, I thought guys were rational beings, but maybe I was wrong
Anyways I found this site the other day (and NO I haven’t resorted to online dating (pa)(just kidding!) (atong makita siya nga nagpahid sa mga luha sa Safiyyah radiyAllahu 'anhaa) I think I was actually looking for some kind of Hadith the words ‘Allah and love’ in it if that isn’t ironic enough… but it had some extremelyyyyy interesting data on it.
For the relevance of this post see: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/
And check out their older posts on various ideas and statistics. Very, very interesting… especially for single people. I wonder how this compares to Muslims but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same. I wish Muslims would put together statistics like this. It would be interesting to see how many single sisters there are out there due to guys marrying overseas/non-Muslims/age-cultural restrictions. There’s no doubt the ‘fish in the sea’ ocean is wayyy huger for Muslim guys in the west than it is for Muslim women. I used to be troubled when I heard of a sister who married a non-Muslim or someone who “converted in name only” but I don’t know anymore. Obviously it’s wrong, but what exactly is she supposed to do when the cards are totally stacked against her and her ocean is the size of…her kitchen sink. Love and wanting to be with someone is an intrinsic part of our nature that Allah put inside of us. Unless there is some major reform or education this trend will only increase.
It’s interesting that Muslim society finds Muslim guys marrying non-Muslims or marrying someone 20 years younger than them quite acceptable, but not certain other differences like someone a few years older than them or a different ethnicity. And it’s also interesting that finding partners for sisters is not seen as a problem, they are just labeled as “picky” and of course condemned if she goes any route not sanctioned by them.
So what’s the point of this post again?! It’s to point out to Muslim guys that there are a lot of real benefits in breaking the mold a bit and marrying someone that might be a little older, a different ethnicity, someone not perfect. Free yourself from culture and find someone who is good, regardless of society’s strictures. Ok the end.
________________________________________
Tinubdan : jannah.org : 'Ang edad mao ang X nga hinungdan sa kaminyoon?'
Ironically I’m a 20 year old guy, with the problem I can’t find women young enough to marry me, and when the possibility of marrying an older woman arises, it is immediately shot down by her or her family, to the point where it is not even worth pursuing. Seems there are major problems on both sides…
Being a guy, I never had such bizarre preferences, and as concerning the father being an Engineer or a Doctor, lol, is the father getting married? I find it fairly lame and not something that many of us guys go for. Deen is to be looked prior to anything; age is never a big deal. Looking for someone so perfect makes one look the most stupid as we ourselves are not perfect. To some extent I agree to whatever is brought up here, guys should alter the way they observe things. We should all know by now that, nothing on earth is perfect coz it’s not Paradise yet.
Aw, it seems guys aren`t the only ones obsessed with age. A friend of mine asked his parents to approach a certain girl`s parents about the possibility of them getting married. My friend is 31 and fairly successful in his career. The girl`s parents (and the girl) straight up said: “we`re looking for someone under 30“.
So this thing goes both ways.
hear hear. may Allaah guide all such parents, who try and control their kids lives.
asalmau alaekum,
my parents were married really early, my dad was 18 and my mom was 20.
just because my “bugged” my dada and dadi sooo much, they had to give in
im in my 24 year now, and unmarried, ive been bugging them since i was 15, but they FAIL to understand.
i would “mind” marrying someone older than me, and also someone younger than me, i would want my wife to be of the same age, at least my first wife insha Allaah
but age is not a “real” preference for me, im an engineer, but i want a girl whose not “engineer” o “doktor”, i want a girl who wants to be a house wife. period.
i absolutely, totally, “hate” the fact that my wife would work, because my mom worked and i know how damaging it has been for me and my siblings.
on the girls part, they need to stop amassing degrees, diplomas and bla bla, beauty of a woman is her haya and her “womanliness” which is only profound when she hones her home making skills.
subcontinental people are the “worst” people on the planet as a whole, i feel ashamed to be one, the most “scared” people on the planet, also in countries which were former colonies of imperial powers, their cultures are also sick
people have “emaan” sa “jobs”, scared people, sheep, moving along the road saying “baa baa baa” while not knowing where they’re headed
i would absolutely hate to marry a girl who grew up in the west, no matter how much you try, you just can’t take out the “feminist” inside most of them.
once our parents “generation” is in the grave, completely and our generation stops adopting values of kuffaar and leaves coconut chocolate-ism, it would be most unrealistic to say this will still completely get better
humans are like a robots, they only understand when any of their core “psychological” needs are disturbed, but subcontinental breed is morally so impotent, that they never understand. sa kanunay.
Asallamu Alaikum, I understand how u would come to view the west in am negative way.However I would appreciate it if u would not generalize about muslims in the west as i am one and I have seen that the ones that have the most lax on their religion are the people that come to the west from overseas. They then find out they do not have to do what they where taught to do as in the west there are a lot of freedoms and unfortunately the Deen suffers for it.
I should hope that as being a muslim you should want to have a spouse that would be faithful to you. Fear Allah(swt) on you, Help u to get to paradise . all those good qualities that u find in someone that has a strong deen(pagsalig). Everythingelse does not matter , the age, regional position, kolor sa panit, amount of money, social status, hitsuraan, all those things fade with time. The only thing that grows and get more beautiful with the passage of time is the Faith(Ang mga relihiyoso nga magtiayon nga hapit na magpakasal ang nanginahanglan labi pa nga pagtrabaho) nga si Allah(swt) brings and puts in each muslims heart.
In Shaa Allah this is what we all should look for in our spouse the rest is as some of us would say is ” window dressing”.
Sallamu Alaikum.
no generalization was intended, read closely
“no matter how much you try, you just can’t take out the “feminist” inside most of them. “
Bro, I think Hollywood and lot of other **liberating industries** are also respsonsible for these materialistic needs and most of the girls are looking for their Muslim Brad Pits and yet they claim to be very Islamic 🙂
Realistic Article “This exists in our society “
Assalamu Alaikum
I just wanted to say that I am 8 years older than my husband and we are very happy Alhumdulillah. Why do we forget that our Prophet (PBUH) married Khadijah who was 15 years older than him. Age is only a number and shouldn’t get in the way.
Balik ngadto sa Allah
I just want to say also i am also 7years older than my husband and by the grace of Allah subahnu wa tala we are very happy.I recently got married my husband chose me and spoke to his parents to which they agreed as they did not have any issues about the age.prophet mohd saw also was younger than his wife,in todays time people think about society much more than their happiness worldly affairs are become of utmost importance.If we just do what is permissible for us in our religion and do not think about the so called society and people life will be a blessing. i would urge many young men to marry older women if at all they come across a good proposal a good muslimah,and same with women if they come across someone who is older than them by 7 or 8yrs or even 10 if the man is nice or the woman is nice in every manner AGE IS DEFINETLY JUST A NUMBER
Assalamu alaikum
First of all I agree with you. 1 year older doesnt make much sense to me for any rejection, may be he was just being polite and not telling her the actual reason ? But like you yourself said that there are cultural pressures. Its not easy for a brother who is marrying for the first time in his life to actually go against the wishes of his parents!
Now coming to strange reasons of rejection, I have alhamdulillah always seen guys as NOT the one being picky. Unfortunately my personal experience indicates that this is not the case with girls. Just post a perfect profile but just put in the 5′ 5 or lower in the height column and notice if you get ANY responses at all. I find it very strange for so many sisters who claim to be so Islamic and having depth in character and personality to be SO superficial to reject a brother on an attribute that is beyond his control!! A person can diet and become thin but he can NOT do anything about his height and saying that someone is less manly just because he is shorty is just like saying a woman is less feminine because she doesn’t have big breasts! Many sisters mashaAllah will just reject someone because the brother is not willing to relocate to the sisters place 😀
At the end I just hope that Allah guides us all to look beyond these superficial things and give us righteous and loving partners. Ameen!
salamu’alaikum my ummah ,
Wisdom and youth cancel each other out as each spouse would grow into the other,so I don’t see why any potential Muslim couple or their relevant stakeholders would have issues.This is not unrealistic as one can see in the history of all civilisations especially the prophet’s generation and other prominent members of all eras,who have built stable communities under all types of challenging conditions..So why add more problems to an already tried and tested issue? As Muslims let us help each other to focus on the wider significant factors that make two souls agreeable….Choice is mercy from Allah.
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
1.the prophet (kalinaw ug panalangin anaa kaniya) married from amongst those older than him and those younger than him.
2.there is clear guidance.a woman is sought for any of 4 mga rason…be blessed by choosing the pious (B&M).the best from the dunya is a pious wife (M).marry the affectionate woman ,who can give birth…(N & AD).the best of women is the one pleasing to look at, who carries out instructions when you ask….responding favourably,..protects her honour and your property(N).further in depth examples are found in the biographies of “…the path of those (allah) has favoured” (1:6), “..the prophets, the sincerely truthful (eg.abu bakr),the martyrs(eg.umar, uthman,ali) and the righteous (eg.the companions & our righteous predecessors,the inheritors of the prophet[kalinaw & panalanginan unta siya])..”(4:65-69)
3.sa 1400+ yrs human nature has not changed and as such there is not a need to modernise the message. there exists in islam a fundamental core, around that cultural differences are tolerated but must not replace the core.the difference is seldom appreciated.
4.both boys & girls mature late in many modern cultures.spoonfed till a late age, responsbility is frowned upon and not offered unless with exception or forced circumstances.Safiyyah bint unayy was 17 when she married the prophet (kalinaw & panalanginan unta siya)and was married twice before him.the 1st 20 years are often wasted infront of a tv in which all references and experiences are made.
5.the islamic identity is often a veneer.few return to the way that is the original way .most have mistaken cultural practice with true submission to allah.the most basic acts of submission such as growing a beard and avoiding tabarruj are regarded as the pinnacle of piety. so how will lesser issues be given their due weight?
6.contemporary influence is ageist, commitment, sama sa kaminyoon, is feared and as such delayed.marriage is an innate discipline.brought together these influences (ageism & fear of marriage) often result in a desperate last minute scramble after years wasted dreaming, experimenting or distracted. it is a illness suffered by the muslim and non-muslim alike.
7. science , the god of many, suggests advancing maternal age (30’s) is associated with reduced fecundity: ability to concieve (fewer, if any kids), complicated pregnancies and labour (more c sections,so fewer kids: 3 strikes and you’re out), low birth weight children and children with disabilities. and allah knows best.Fostering & Adoption may provide a solution but is seldom considered and cuturally taboo despite is praiseworthy consideration in the sunnah. another example of “cultural/modern (topsy turvy) islam”.
8.” the life of this world is only play & amusement (stage1),pomp and mutual boasting amonst you (stage 2),rivalry in respect of wealth (stage 3) and children (stage 4)..” (57:20) .little wonder perhaps , the older man (stage 4) who seeks the younger (possibly, more fertile) woman.
denouement:
age at each extreme, may work for and against you depending on your intention and requirement.for most its relevance is not given its due place.
the solution, as i see it, is a return to noble values and criteria by returning to the correct understanding, sincerely making Allah our reference in all things. only then might we be afforded clarity and relief from our frustrations.
the mistakes are from me and shaytan, and to Allah is all praise and thanks.
سُبْحَانَكَ وَبِحَمْدِكَ ، لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنْتَ ، أَسْتَغْفِرُكَ وَأَتُوبُ إِلَيْكَ
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu,
very well summarised, agree with u totally, i personally know 4 men between the ages of 35-30 who are just not ready to get married because at first when they were their parents thought they r too young and not responsible enough and now when their parents are ready the guys feel they just dont want the responsibility this early.
JazakAllahu Khayr for the Article.
I would just like to add That marrying at an early age is a good thing, our parents should realize this. it is true for both men and women. Even science has provided a lot of proof that as soon as Men and Women hit the age of 30 the Quality of their reproductive cells decreases considerably. it is not just for Women, so parents have to start having faith in Allah swt and get their children married when a good proposal comes their way, not getting caught up in petty differences.
And ofcourse as always Allah SWT knows best.
Salam alaykum,
Unfortunately age is just one reason why brothers AND sisters (like it or not, prejudices exist on both sides) refuse a suitable proposition. Complexion, height, hitsuraan, weight — all weigh in heavily despite making broad claims of the Prophet (ang kalinaw maanaa kaniya) marrying widows, older women, not-so-beautiful women etc.
It is also a disgrace that some religious speakers actually get on stage and promote this mentality. They mention the hadith of the Prophet (A woman is married for four reasons…..) but for some reason, their realistic implementation always ends on the first one (beauty).
Are they promoting what is in their inner-selves and justifying it with the words of the Prophet ? Then who is bothered to “be” like him? To “Nagkita ang lalaki ug babaye” what he did?
Polygamy is the topic of many a wink-wink nudge-nudge jokes amongst all ‘practicing brothers’ … but how many brothers are actually responsible and mature enough to marry a Khadeejah (15 yrs older, non-virgin, mother of children)? How many of them get past their physical emulation of the Prophet (though very important), and actually BE WHAT HE WAS?
While it is important that you are attracted and not repelled by your partner, I do not actually find the Prophet and Companions weighing women like a beauty pageant contestant, aao’dubillah.
Muslim brothers: There are sisters who are 27, 29, 35 – ulitawo, divorced, widowed, with/without young kids – waiting for a real Muslim man who will recognize them for their Deen and sincerity, while you scout the market for the “fairest of ’em all” ..
If you cannot even TRY to be Muhammad from inside, then atleast stop the pretension.
Wa Allahu ta’ala ‘alam.
Tunga sa!
well said
lol, im not participating in the debate :p but this post reminds me of Muhammad Asad. his wife was 41 and he was 25 when they got married. plus she had a 7 year old son (her husband passed away)
y’all gatta read The Road to Mecca for da full cheese;), y’all ganna be swept off ya feet :D…
asalamualaikum, reading this story inspired me to share something i have been through, 4years ago i was madly in love with a guy a year younger than myself. age didnt matter to us, we knew we wanted to be together. time came for him to tell his parents about it and they rejected me because i was a year older. funnily enough, the guy turned around and went with his parents decision. right now it all seems like a far away nightmare, but at that time it was heartbreaking that you can be rejected after years of love based on something such as 1 year??? right now i am happily married to a wonderful man 2 years older than myself, but i still question myself everyday… does age count that much??
As salamou 3alaykom, baraka Allahou fikom for this article.
Just my 2 cents as a guy, and it looks like the author, as a girl, missed that point.
The main reason guys want a girl younger than them is that girl tend to grow older quicker than men … so their beauty vanish quicker. Many moms say to their kids “take her young, cuz when you will be 40 she will still looks young”
Wa salamou 3alaykom
ur saying that marriage should be based on good looks alone?
May Allah reward u sister but dis isue is not from only guys,imagine how i was rejected by a girl when i told her my age and 5years older than her and the other girl i met said she cant mariage a guy she is older than evn if it is a day, so may Allah forgive us all.
im 20 Ngano nga ang mga tawo kinahanglan nga mobiya sa usag usa, im a girl, i ever have a guy who 12 years older than me,and he reject the relation bcs of that age differences.
the thing that i want to tell is, there is could be the other reason that he have than age,bcs in ur story,the difference is only 1 year,and i have a brother who married with 1 year older wife than him,but they are ok,bcs they match.
mao,probably, age is only fake reason to say goodbye.
What if she lied??
After two years, it appears that she is one year older than me?? this uncovered the lie that she was three years younger… would I trust her again??? can you trust a professional liar??