穆斯林婦女喺老公身上尋找乜嘢

由 純婚姻 - 二月, 1聖 2012

穆斯林婦女喺老公身上尋找乜嘢

Bismillahi'Rahmani'Raheem. 奉神嘅名, 完全
富有同情心嘅, 特別仁慈.

隨著時間的流逝，各種社會心理理論已經興起
支持一個基本嘅科學事實: 男士同女士嘅化妝
不一樣. 佢哋有截然不同嘅議程
婚姻同佢哋嘅諗法不同. 它們實際上係完整嘅
對立.

鑑於我哋嘅菲特拉 (自然本能) 我哋嘅DNA來自
阿拉, 我哋必須解開我哋係如何与众不同嘅，以創造堅實嘅
穆斯林婚姻. 我有一個曲折嘅口號係女人徜徉
來自麥地那, 男人來自麥加. 我哋生活同思考
兩個獨立嘅世界，因此我哋唔會 “獲取” 另一個直到我哋
跨越國界，互相學習. 就係我哋嘅工作方式
那. 因沙阿拉.

女人如何墜入愛河
Modern biologists have scientifically narrowed down our
process of ‘falling in love’. It is no more glorious than a
chemical imbalance. Because Muslims believe in Allah’s
perfect design, we always value our connections with people as
part of Divine creation. Love is therefore rewarding.

In various cultures the “L” word (唔係, not that word), is a taboo
emotion that is either not understood, is side-swept as
something dirty or rarely expressed healthily. Love is different
to lust. Lust is a desire that if acted upon pollutes your ‘imaan
(信仰) and well being. Islam tells us love is normal, it is from
阿拉, it is necessary for any bond to exist and it is part of our
宗教.

• The Science Bit
Both men and women have ‘sex hormones’ that are known as
1. testosterone and 2. oxytocin.

Men have up to 20 x比女性多嘅睾丸激素, 哪
主要促進男性生殖器官. 睾酮
在男性中 – 係需要注意嘅 – 還促進
男性行為同外表嘅性特徵. 所以,
睾酮增強男性嘅身材, 它創造了形狀
佢嘅下巴, 他的人手或他走路和說話的方式. 它
係乜嘢開啟咗佢嘅高性感. 基本上係睾酮
造就男人, 一個男人. 抑或就好似我講嘅, 它使一個男人, 一個
性感嘅男人. *偏好同景點不同.

另一方面，催產素係女性嘅舞台, 我喺呢度添加
對於醫學幽默, 它被稱為 “愛情荷爾蒙”.
係, 你猜對了, 對於女性來說，一切都與愛情有關.

雖然有有爭議的證據支持催產素的作用
喺女性嘅性取向中, 其主要功能在於女性
生殖，女性明顯高於男性.
催產素水平越高，通常會導致情緒越高
敏感性, 積極的情緒反應和較低的壓力
水平. 最近喺瑞士大學學習
顯示催產素水平較低嘅新媽媽
更容易出現產後感覺 “藍調”. 因此, 更多
催產素=更多嘅情感考慮, 或更有愛心
自然界.

• “下降” 戀愛中
当一个男人愛上一個女人時，正常水平
睾丸激素，否則令男人男子氣概和堅韌,
顯著減少, 並且催產素的水平增加，其中
將佢變成一個更柔軟嘅人, 更活潑嘅友. 他更快樂, 佢係
充滿能量, 佢係唻浪漫嘅囝, 佢喺情感上
被指控，佢可能更努力咁祈禱. (*佢都可能係
戴尔西奥纳, daydreaming and excited, if you catch my
meaning). When you can’t think straight and you’ve
contemplated life-threatening events, congratulations, you’re in
愛 (!)

Sexual appetite will no doubt increase but now there is a
stronger attachment at stake: his wife’s welfare is his primary
concern, not his own satisfaction. Women are attracted to this
loving behaviour because it means men are paying them quality
attention, they are being pursued, and I would surmise to say
this phase does not last. I’m sorry.

Shaykh Yasir Qadhi has plenty to share on the phases of love.
Coming soon.

This is where you need to ask yourself is this really love I’m
feeling?

For women, an emotional and sexual attachment follows the
same path as men but where the opposite hormones tip the
scales. When in love, 女性嘅睾丸激素水平
增加. 意味住女性嘅性能量增加到
幾乎與一個男人嘅相匹配，兩者都喺給予同接受
其他人需要乜嘢. 佢哋都向一個人表現出愛的迹象。
另一個. 雖然呢種生物數據同理解係
由所有人際關係中觀察到, 我哋喺呢度談論
關於清真內部嘅親密關係 (合法) 婚姻之間
穆斯林男女. 因此，婚外戀愛,
雖然完全正常同非自願, 唔係要採取行動嘅嘢
後.

朕正是喺呢度，穆斯林必須挺身而出，意識到
婚姻絕對不僅僅昰徜徉墜入愛河徜徉,
色情和短期. 相反，係為咗真主嘅緣故,
係為咗孩子, 這是為了
成個社區需要看到人們與之抗爭，並且
抑制佢哋對風險嘅渴望, 興奮和拋棄
壓力責任…’
– 伊玛目阿布·埃萨·尼亚马图拉.

穆斯林婦女如何選擇潛在嘅老公
麻麻, 穆斯林婦女尋求穩定和領導
男性嘅品質. 佢哋畀嗰啲有各種疾病嘅男人所吸引
以及喺人際關係中嘅成功角色. 這是在
除了想要一個嚴重嘅 (1) 富有同情心嘅, (2)
交際同 (3) 積極嘅友誼. 我說嚴厲
因為女性往往對男性嘅要求太高. 而呢啲
係大多數男人唔會深入思考嘅特質
他們自己.

女性比
男人做 (伊斯纳). W. 布拉德福德威尔科克斯 (導演, 全國性
婚姻項目, 弗吉尼亚大學) 說:
“而男性往往更滿足於現狀,
women now place more of a premium on being fulfilled in their
marriages – having their dreams for intimacy, for sexual
satisfaction, for challenge, all wrapped up into their marriage.
That’s a hard order to fill, and these people are likely to end up
on the rocks because they learn pretty quickly that no one
person is capable of delivering all their deepest hopes for
meaning and purpose and happiness”.
(Women’s Health, 三月 2010)

It’s not enough that he’s the masjid imam, a fireman, a skilled
public speaker and an avid fundraiser; he has to submit to your
entire family, be the most pious man you ever met, be from the
most pious family in the country, own a separate house, be
superhuman and be willing to share all of his problems with his
“soul-mate”: 你.

That’s a nice list to base a marriage on, 但事實並非如此
在現實中工作.

真主把男人同女人設計成一對適合. 中意
拼圖件, 兩者嘅形狀不同，並且具有不同
功能. 沒有一雙可以完美地適合*在
每個可能嘅含義, 並非每一對都會持續落去. 噉係
喺我哋試圖懷疑之前，理解同接受一個重要
另一個出嚟.

對於其名單嘅女性 3 要在
丈夫包括 1 材料 (汽車, 錢, 房子), 1 模糊
(令人難以置信嘅體格) 和 1 不可能嘅 (永恒嘅幸福): 你
仲未準備好結婚.

因此，讓我們進入一個女人的頭腦，並打破這一點. 通常
穆斯林婦女願望清單上嘅嫌疑人 (冇特定嘅順序)
包括:

·外觀
→我哋所講嘅外表係咩意思?
我哋說 “外表唔等使”, 真主唔衡量
我哋嘅身著裝同外表. 但我哋確實. 喺我哋嘅
關係我哋畀我哋嘅思想所吸引嘅靚.
For women, “睇嚟” 可能意味着身體多麼英俊
男人係, 他如何穿衣或如何表現自己. 女人
忽略疤痕和凹痕, 大多數女性甚至冇
考慮一個男人嘅 “包”.

→鬍子, 鬍鬚, 鬍鬚
好多女人被留鬚嘅男人所吸引 (優惠). 唔係
烏哩單刀, 雜亂無章嘅鳥類’ 巢但維護, 整潔嘅鬍鬚.
大多數姐妹說鬍鬚顯示男人嘅 “男子氣概”. 整潔
鬍鬚與良好嘅衞生同啲有關 “宗教”
卡, 如下所述.

→外表重要嗎?
與穆斯林女性hayaa嘅解釋相反
(謙遜), 女人係非常視覺和吸引與男人與
同樣嘅偏見同物化. 幾乎冇對邊個嘅控制
男人一個女人在身體上被吸引，外表唔係
通常係婚姻嘅決定性因素. 女人愛男裝
身體和男人一樣, 這是真主的
設計. 教育, 教養同真主有簡單嘅
“有文化” 穆斯林婦女要保持更高嘅謙虛
元件, 就係點解佢哋唔咁關心男人嘅原因
睇嚟. 穆斯林婦女確實使用身體吸引作為初始
鈎.

但係有區別的. 雖然男人可以一見鍾情
更容易, 女性傾向於更深入地研究外表.
佢哋分析住扮感, 聰明和均勻的風格. 女人
比男人更精明. 佢哋可以拿起複雜嘅
信息只係透過查看. 佢哋睇到一個男人嘅專業精神,
態度, 健康, 祖先, 開放, 健康, 緊繃或
隨和… 無論乜嘢. 一般人會這樣想
奇怪, 然而, even in Islam, how you present yourself
speaks volumes about your lifestyle. And it’s the lifestyle that
women see in how you look. Ergo: smarten up.

→ Real Couples
You see couples come in all shapes and sizes and you can see
that that relationship wasn’t built on looks (獨自). We judge
each other mercilessly but we get pudgier as we age, and we
forgive the sagging, we CAN be forgiving. We know that looks
fade, so after the first 5 years it is what’s inside each person
that holds a marriage together. As you get older you realise that
youth is mistaken for beauty. 係, they have this and that asset
but a wise Muslim knows looks are temporal and if the
attraction goes deeper to a mutual love for the whole person,
then every freckle, greying hair and imperfection is still
accepted as perfect.

·經驗 & 年齡
→點解年齡係一個因素
When a Muslim women carries out a background check on her
potential husband (I’m kidding), she looks at several factors.
How old is he? Where has he travelled? What does he do?
What was his life’s journey? Who was he with? What did he
learn? Mark my words that women care about a man’s past
lives. While a not-as-Islamic past is kindly overlooked
(insha’Allah), it helps show who that man is today therefore this
area should be discussed with discretion.

Most women prefer older men because they are thought to
have a wiser grasp on both the Muslim world and all its affairs,
and the secular world with all its affairs. 麻麻, culture
dictates that a husband should exceed his wife in age by a few
年 (4 年) as a round-about guideline since men mature
much slower. 話雖噉講, a wider age gap is not as
controversial as it used to be. More Muslim women choose to
marry men a decade older than them, or younger. And this is
because of the maturity factor: 例如, despite a woman
being 35 years old and her husband 25, his maturity as a
responsible, independent and considerate person shows that
he can reason and behave to her level, or above. 這
understanding is what is attractive to a woman; a man who has
a similar outlook to the world as she does.

• Character & Behaviour
Think about why the Prophet ﷺ (願佢平安) 說
regarding men:
“Whoever comes to you and you’re pleased with their deen and
字符 (khuluq) marry them!”

→ What is character?
Character is the principles you say you have. What is
behaviour? Behaviour is the principles you show in action. 一個
man’s character is important for women because it affects
them more than how much “deen” 或 “muslimness” he claims
to have. Not only is measuring “deen” a subjective variant, it’s
not a guarantee of a beautiful character you can live with. 它
should be, but it isn’t. You can be a devout Muslim in prayer
and charity but if you have a temper, it affects your wife and by
extension, the health of your marriage.

Women are all about putting sentiments into action. If you say
you want her, show it, if you say you like her family, show it. 如果
you say she’s the most amazing person you have ever met,
prove it daily and frequently. Women want to see men back up
their words with action and this isn’t about buying her “stuff”,
it’s about following through your plans with sincerity. 噉係
why years later in a marriage during a heated argument she will
yell, “You never keep your promises” (even if you mostly did).
She will remember the one occasion you promised to fix some
broken appliance and 5 years later, you hadn’t. Your lack of
action here is very much a small negative on the larger scale of
things but it can build up and hurt a woman deeply. She will
see it as neglect, inconsideration and *buzzwords* a lack of
愛.

A man’s character backed up by considerate actions shows a
woman love. And she wants this type of attentive love from a
man.

• Family & 背景
→ Do Muslim women take a man’s family into account for
婚?
係. Sometimes a lot of pressure is put on finding a man
attached to a noble family. According to Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ
hadith about women, 婚姻可以發生在
家庭地位係賣點, 但活躍嘅deen係
更好嘅. 係因為冇一個人代表佢嘅成個
羊群，無論多麼富有, “宗教” 或著名的
男人嘅背景係, 它並不表示佢真正嘅日常工作
性格和行為.

對於好多穆斯林婦女來說, 這是立即的情況
家庭祝願他們的女兒一切順利, 要求佢哋搵到一個
“來自好家庭嘅好男人”. 不利, 婚姻確實需要
沒有人聽到男人家人同後尾嘅人把聲
關於遺產同新發現嘅醫學嘅問題
條件. 由一開始就需要平衡. 一對夫婦
需要討論佢哋將與一個人進行嘅互動
另一個人家人, 乜嘢角色同參與程度
“祖父母” 將有與他們的養育, 同邊個嘅黑人
羊係咪個個都講話 (我哋都有一個).
基本上, 姻親係女性等式嘅一部分, 但
唔係與佢哋愛的男人結婚嘅決定性因素.

最終, 在家族纳西哈之後 (建議) 被尋求並且
決定由一對夫婦解決, 家庭需要接受
佢哋嘅成人選擇, 正如真主所說,
“…唔好阻止佢哋 [再]嫁給他們的丈夫在
佢哋之間以合法嘅方式達成一致…” (古蘭經,
2:232)

·財富
讓我告訴你，真正嘅穆斯林婦女唔會畀
图坦卡蒙關於一個人擁有乜嘢. 当女人話佢哋
更喜歡處於經濟穩定狀況嘅男人，意味住佢需要
有某種形式嘅定期清真收入, 因為佢喺法律上
有義務養傢餬口嘅伊斯蘭教法 (伊斯蘭法律).
要求新嘅公寓或房屋唔係
婚姻套餐，但與所有緊張嘅新婚夫婦
與公婆同住, 有人會建議單獨研究
盡快安排生活. 額外財富 – 這
男人嘅車, 佢嘅泳池屋, 他的積蓄, 無論乜嘢, 不在
不在. Saying that, it is fair to
maintain the standard of life the woman is accustomed to.
{Read about men’s Islamic marriage rights on
MUSLIMNESS.COM}

• Education & Profession:
For men who feel inferior for being unemployed or not earning
a substantial income, rest assured that most women do not ask
for or need a luxurious life. A foundation of trust, continuous
love and honesty builds a successful marriage, not an
accumulation of ching-ching (錢) and certificates. 穆斯林
女性希望以良好的待遇形式獲得真正嘅財富, 打開
溝通與愛.

一個男人嘅教育會反映喺佢嘅舉止同態度上,
就係為乜嘢今日大多數受過教育嘅穆斯林婦女都渴望
嫁具有相似（如果唔係平等）追求嘅人
學術界. 佢哋希望能夠進行更深入嘅對話,
分擔家庭責任, 談中肯 (或
隨機) 兩公婆都知曉嘅話題
係. 你很想知道穆斯林家庭喺邊度
鼓勵他們的孩子嫁相同嘅職業, 為
實例, 嫁其他医师嘅医师, 離婚率係
高等. 點解?
“隨著時間的推移, 睡眠剝奪, 長時間工作而冇
抱怨, 並每日應對強烈的患者情緒
基礎可能導致医师喺情感上變得疏遠. 婚姻
唔和諧通常係與工作相關嘅壓力同
放工後無法放鬆 – 培訓年限
特定, 唔係婚姻成長嘅時候”. (伊斯蘭地平線
雜誌)

当我哋開始研究它時, 最好嘅男人唔需要學位
世俗或伊斯蘭教育並不能防止不良
字符 (閱讀以上內容). 因此, 它通常係家庭而唔係
把職業放在如此高嘅基座上嘅婦女. 如果
咩話, 我會建議穆斯林婦女尋找男人
禮遇博士.

·所有重要嘅連接
→乜嘢係兼容性，點解它好緊要?
對於我哋嘅父母同祖父母’ 代, 婚姻係
基於家庭批准, 或社會榮譽或文化平衡
(即, 他/她需要來自同一背景).
繼承呢啲習俗嘅移民穆斯林家庭意味住
that future generations were expected to follow the same
marriage patterns. While this method of searching and
approving a spouse has been successful to some extent,
culture has nearly always dominated the Islamic aspects. 和
Islam says above all, you need to be compatible.
“If it so happens that there is love between a man and a
女人, the most effective means of warding off fitnah
(誘惑) and immorality is for them to get married, 因為
his heart will still remain attached to her if he does not marry
她, and that may lead to fitnah…” – Shaykh Muhammad al-
Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “There is nothing for two who
love one another like marriage.”

Compatibility does not limit itself to having the same
背景, language and similar hobbies. Even if you feel you
“點擊” with one another and you have the symptoms of
hardcore love, can you both carry an adult conversation? Can
you combine your lifestyles to create a new one?

Compatibility means having shared values. You both need to
talk about the important areas of life so you’re both on the
same page. He needs to understand you as a woman. 他
needs to “獲取” you and accept you as you are, not what he
thinks you are. This is a connection that’s built only when you
actually meet one another, which is why the Prophet ﷺ
encouraged meeting one another publicly before marriage. 它
builds compatibility, it builds love. Very often cultural standards
prohibit these meetings or families will stamp their approval and
rejection without informing the “singletons”. Such family
customs warrant respect but not to the detriment of Islam’s
freedoms. As a Muslim woman you NEED to have a
connection with your potential husband that will carry decades
into your marriage and help overcome obstacles. And here you
need to ask yourself: what principles and actions do I value the
most which I hope my future husband will also respect?

Most of us believe that opposites attract, and they do to an
extent, but familiarity attracts more. Women will secretly want
the bad-boy and the danger of a rebel but this is not marriage
材料. Marrying somebody who is the complete opposite to
you also means there needs to be something else that
connects both of you; if you’re a tree-hugger and he’s a
corporate worker, when and how will you negotiate activities to
avoid getting bored?
Advice To Single Brothers Looking For Wives:
→当你話你正在尋找一個 “虔誠,
謙虛, 聰明和關懷” 您正在概括
穆斯林人口嘅大多數. 您需要具體
你需要知道你想在你的妻子身上看到什麼 –
除標準外. 如果你唔知你點解想
結婚 (除了性, 兒童和食品) 而你冇
知你在妻子身上尋找乜嘢, 你需要檢查乜嘢
係你帶畀你嘅婚姻.

→避免令自己失望, 即使佢係自我褪色嘅
幽默. 當你說, “我唔係一個社交人士” 或 “我唔係嗰個
善於講話”, 就係我哋所講嘅史詩般嘅衰. 女人喜歡
善於交際嘅男人, 自信嘅男人, 知自己係乜嘢嘅男人
做同佢哋要去邊度, 有目標和自我意識.
然而, 在自信和聲音之間有一條細線
太過自信嘅, 分享想法同負責之間嘅細綫.
女人想要丈夫, 犯罪夥伴, 唔係經理. 係
婚前發展談話，你將試圖展示
你係一個全方位嘅隨和溝通者
學術社交技能和一定程度嘅開放互動.
諺語, “啊, 我對生活冇任何興趣” 讓你發聲
像一個無聊嘅人. 係, 你係值得嘅, 否則她不會
與您交談.

→列出至少 10 你希望收到嘅具體內容
從你的婚姻. 列出 10 你希望嘅具體事情
帶畀你嘅婚姻. 信我, 你想要嘅女人
結婚有上榜. 而且它比你的長.

→注意徜徉危險信號桎梏’ 在女性中，表明她可能
未為婚姻做好準備 – 壓倒一切的景點
唯物主義或婚禮當天, 幼稚嘅唔耐煩, 失敗主義者
態度, 情緒唔穩定. 而家就做她的支持, 鼓勵
佢而家要做杜阿 (懇求), 並將她的信任放在真主身上.
或者更重要嘅係, 注意好嘅迹象
符合您的個人標準. 唔好為家姐閒逛
採取行動, 採取適當措施. 要有勇氣, 唔好
放棄你嘅婚姻意向.

→仔細閱讀: 你不需要成為一個超人.
你唔需要畀佢買世界. 您不需要
向她承諾世界. 你不需要讓她的生活成為
人間天堂. 我這樣說是因為 (一個) 你唔可以同 (b)
你將無法維護它. 永恒嘅幸福係保留嘅
對於詹纳, 唔係地球. 制定切合實際嘅目標, 務實. 真正
Muslim women don’t expect “happily ever afters” because they
don’t exist; they want motivation, support and love. The magic
three words you need to overuse in your vocabulary are “阿拉
Loves You”. (As well as “I Love You”, that’ll get you far too, if
you know what I mean).

→ Don’t joke about polygamy or divorce – this is hurtful in
scopes you couldn’t comprehend. Do not openly flirt, make
references to sex or how effective you will be at procreating –
this is embarrassing and crude. Sex is a part of marriage, we
get it, but maintain your modesty.

→ You cannot ask for your “perfect Khadija” 或 “somebody like
Khadijah bint Khuwaylid”. Khaijda (拉) was perfection for
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, an ideal woman. As a woman, 穆斯林
aspire to her roles but “卡迪贾” is the maximum standard of
womanhood, not the minimum. If you set the bar this high, 你
will be disappointed in a wife who turns out to be human. 和
your potential wife will expect you to be her “perfect
穆罕默德”. Everyone has flaws.

→ Avoid high expectations of a niqab-wearing saint who has a
hermit lifestyle. This isn’t to say you don’t deserve the best in a
wife, or that Muslim women are not worthy but by putting these
prerequisites forward you stipulate some form of “religiosity” 上
a woman. If that were fair, Muslim women would ask men to
wear thobes and never marry again in the prenuptial, but they
don’t out of the understanding that everyone’s imaan (信仰) 係
different. When you ask your potential wife to pray regularly,
fast and wear a jilbaab – in essence, to CHANGE – is it because
you want your wife to come spiritually closer to Allah in ibadat
(worship) 抑或因為你想把她全部留給自己? 如果係
也, 你需要在婚前強調這一點.

→最後: 對你潛在的妻子和她的家人要有耐心.
女人過度分析你的一舉一動和言語，並思考 10
超前步驟 (佢只係喺等你趕上嚟). 唔好試圖
改變女性嘅呢種本性. 試著按照她的節奏走，
明白她必須犧牲更多才能成為你嘅
配偶. 成為最尊重和體貼嘅人
致她所有的家人, 與佢哋對你嘅要求無關. 係
瞭解彼此家庭嘅初始階段, 你
需要儘可能畀人留低最好嘅印象. 最後, 做一個男人
行動. 女人愛男人邊個展示, 邊個採取步驟
進展, 所以你擁有嘅懶惰嘅單身漢將不得不
結束.

*In the early years of finding a potential partner in crime a
woman’s criteria is heavier and longer. A typical list of 50 traits
a woman looks for in a man thankfully gets sieved as she
matures into things she ‘can live without’ to things she ‘can’t
live without’. As Abu Hurarya (拉) reported, the Prophet ﷺ said
love in a relationship needs to be in moderation, and a Muslim’s
ultimate dependence should not be with people, but with Allah.

源: http://www.zaufishan.co.uk/2011/05/what-muslim-women-look-for-in-husband.html