How to balance between Friendship and Marriage?

Having met each other through Masjid events and suddenly “clicking” during the community’s first summer camp, the six of us Muslim teens developed a bond that seemed unbreakable. Although we ranged in age, came from diverse backgrounds, and had completely different personalities, we loved each other passionately. As we struggled through high school, personal issues and reconnecting to the Deen, we stood by and supported each other with love, laughter, and the constant reminder that our friendship was for the sake of Allah I. And then we got married.

Like all young women, a lot of our discussions revolved around marriage – who, na cava, where, and how! We spent hours poring over articles, listening to lectures, and creating checklists for ourselves and our future spouses. We dreamed of wedding dresses and giggled nervously about wedding nights. Throughout it all we promised that no matter where we went in the world, wherever life took us, we’d always stay together.

Reality, ia, turned out to be a bit different than we imagined. Over the course of a year, three of us got married, one moved overseas and had a baby, and the others found themselves overwhelmed with the demands of a new husband, old family, and university. No longer did we meet each other several times a week or spend time volunteering at Masjid events and even planned gatherings at each other’s homes often fell through. Physical distance inevitably led to emotional distance and miscommunication resulting in hurt feelings and a sense of loss.

Many sisters confess that once a friend or relative gets married, they seem to disappear for months on end. It can take up to a year (or more, if children soon follow) for a newlywed sister to get back in touch with her friends and by that time, things might have changed so much that it’s impossible for the same closeness to return. So how do sisters who love their husbands and their friends give time for both? Here are a few tips on how to maintain the valuable relationships of Islamic Sisterhood.

1. Purify your intention.

Whether you’re the newlywed or the bachelorette, remember that the reason you’re reaching out to your ‘lost’ friend is for the sake of Allah, not just to get an extra pair of hands to help out at the next bridal shower. Abu Hurayrah t reported that the Messenger of Allah(raica) e kaya: “There are seven whom Allah will shade with His Shade on the day where there is no shade but His Shade: (one of them is) two men who love each other for the sake of Allah, meeting and parting for that reason alone…" (Vaka-Bukhari kei Muslim)

2. Be considerate.

Bear in mind that things are a bit different for the married sister. She has a whole new set of responsibilities that do take a while to get used to. Expect that she won’t be able to hang out on most days and times like you used to in the old days. But don’t let that stop you from giving her a call or paying her a visit. Abu Hurayrah t reported that the Messenger of Allah(raica) e kaya, “A man visited a brother of his in another town and Allah appointed an angel to wait for him on his way. When he came to him, the angel said, ‘Where are you going?’ He said, ‘I am going to a brother of mine in this town.’ He said, ‘Do you have some property with him that you want to check on?’ He said, ‘No, it is only that I love him for the sake of Allah Almighty.’ He said, ‘I am a messenger of Allah to you to tell you that Allah loves you as you love this man for His Sake.’” (Lotu Vaka-Lotu)

3. Be patient and make 70 excuses for your sister.

If you’ve called, left messages on the answering machine, sent many emails, and are now considering hiding in her bushes to make sure she’s still alive, take a deep breath and be patient. Insha’Allah your friend is fine. Just give her a bit of space to settle into her new routine before expecting a response. Don’t think that she’s ignoring you or doesn’t notice. She knows and appreciates that you care about her, which simply increases her love for you.

4. Remember that all relationships need maintenance.

Newlyweds, take note! Don’t take your friendships for granted, and don’t expect that after a year , everything will be just as you left it. Make an effort to keep in touch with your sisters in Islam, and try to meet with them whenever possible at the Masjid, if nowhere else. Even if you don’t get to really ‘hang out,’ just attending a beneficial lecture or program can strengthen both your imaan and the bonds of Islamic Sisterhood.

5. Don’t hold a grudge.

It can be too easy for emotional distance and the feeling of losing a friend to result in holding a grudge. Try not to feel badly about your sister in Islam or have hard feelings against her because you think that she’s throwing away your friendship.

Na iTukutuku ni Kalou (raica) e kaya, “The doors of Paradise are opened on Monday and Thursday, and every servant who does not associate anything with Allah be forgiven, except for the man who bears a grudge against his brother. It will be said, “Wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile.” (Lotu Vaka-Lotu)

O koya gona, in the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (raica), we find precious gems on how to keep the love for the sake of Allah strong and flourishing. Changes in life are inevitable, but just because life changes, it doesn’t mean that friendship should.