Marena: Me pehea te pupuri atu i nga toka

Na Matrimony Pure - Oketopa, 1st 2014

{I roto hoki i ana tohu ko tenei: Ka hangaia e ia mo nga hoa i a koe ake. Kia kitea ai e koe te ngakau ngakau (SOKON) me ratou, a ka homai e ia te aroha me te ngawari ki waenganui i a korua: i roto i tenei, nana, he tohu (karere) mo nga tangata e whakaata ana (whakaaro!)} (Sura Rum: 21)

I taku mohio kei te mohio koe, marena i roto i Ihirama ko te kirimana ture. He kirimana i waenganui i nga tangata e rua i te aroaro o nga kaititiro ko te mea pai rawa atu ko Allaah (s) Ko ia ano ki mua i mahia ai tenei kirimana me te hunga e mahi ana i te kirimana ka whai kawenga. No reira he mea nui kia mohio ratou ki ta ratou e kirimana ana kia mahia. I korero ahau ki mua i a koe i te Aayah (kia kite) mai i te Qur’an kei reira a Allah (s) e korero ana mo te kaupapa o te marena, ka kiia ko tetahi o ana tohu me te whakahua i nga ahuatanga motuhake e toru mo tenei whare. E toru nga kupu whakahirahira e whakamahia ana e ia i roto i tenei papa:

Ko te kupu tuatahi a Allaah (s) whakamahia ko te kupu Sukoon.

Te Atua (s) ka mea: {I roto hoki i ana tohu ko tenei: Ka hangaia e ia mo koe e mate ana i o hiahia ake kia kitea ai e koe a Suikoon me ratou.}

Na, he aha te skoon? He kupu e whakamahia ana e matou i roto i te Urdu, na reira ka tino mohio au ko aku hoa katoa e mohio ana ki a Urdu he whakaaro mo tona tikanga. I roto i te suanic sukoon te ritenga atu o Al-Halkah (oreoretanga). I roto i te karamu Arapi te rite o te taurangi ki te reta e kiia ana ko Al-Hakah e korero ana ki a tatou me pehea te reta “neke” tikanga, Me pehea te whakahua. I te wa e noho ana a Suikoon i runga i te reta, ko te tikanga ka mau tonu te reta kia kore e neke, ka whakahuahia i tona ahua taketake.

Te Atua (s) kua whakamahia e Sukoon te kupu tuatahi mo te marenatanga o te marena. I kii ia e hanga ana e ia nga hoa rangatira kia kitea ai e tatou a Suikoon me ratou. Kia kitea ai e tatou te ngakau nui ki a raatau. Ko te ahuatanga tuatahi o te kirimana ko te mea e tika ana kia oati i muri mai ka arahi ratou i to ratau oranga ki a raatau mahi, to ratou kainga, to ratou noho tahi me o raatau tautoko mo tetahi ki tetahi, he puna ngakau me te skoon mo tetahi ki tetahi. Kei te hanga a Allaah (s) he kaiwhakaatu e korero ana kaore ratou e titiro ki tetahi atu mea ke atu i a raatau mo nga whakaritenga katoa o te marena.

Ko o ratou kanohi, taringa, ngakau ngakau, ringa, Kaore nga waewae e peka atu i o raatau hoa rangatira. Kaore he harakah, Kaore he nekehanga atu i te hoa rangatira. Ka ui atu ahau ki a Allaah (s) ki te hoatu ki a ratou me te hunga katoa kei konei i tenei huihuinga, Skoon me o raatau hoa faaipoipo. Ko te tikanga hoki ka whakapau kaha raua ki te hanga kaainga he waahi mo Sukoon e tumanako ana raua ki te hoki mai i muri i to raua wehenga atu i reira mo nga take maha..

Ko te kupu tuarua e Allaah (s) kua whakamahia i roto i tenei papa ko 'Al-Mawaddah’, Ka mea ia: {Wa ja'ala bainakum mawaddah: Na ka hoatu e ia te aroha ki waenganui i a koutou}. Ko te tikanga tenei mo te aroha o nga hoa marena tetahi ki tetahi. Ko tenei aroha he tinana me te hinengaro. Ko te aroha he hua o te whakaute. E kore e taea e tatou te aroha ki tetahi e kore nei e whakaute. No reira e mea faufaa roa ia haapao na hoa faaipoipo i te maitai o te tahi e te tahi e ia faaore i te hapa. E au te mau hoa faaipoipo i te mau hi‘o no te tahi e te tahi. Ka whakaatahia ta ratou e kite ana engari he mahara whiriwhiri. Ka tae mai he ahua hou ki mua i te whakaata ka whakaatahia me te tohu ki te pai o nga whakaahua o mua, ahakoa he aha. I tukuna mai e tetahi he korero ki ahau e korero ana mo te tuhi i nga mea pai mo o tatou hoa ki te kohatu me te tuhi i o ratou he ki te puehu. Ka noho tetahi mo te wa roa, ko tetahi ka pupuhihia e te hau tuatahi ka puta mai.

E whakapono ana ahau koinei te mea ngaro tino nui o te marena pai. Ki te whai i tenei mahara whiriwhiri mo te pai me te amnesia whiriwhiri mo te kino. Kia aroha mai he maha nga tangata kei te rerekee ko te putake o nga raru katoa. Ko te pai ka tangohia hei tika mo tetahi. Ahakoa ko nga he ka kiia he toihara kua ata whakaarohia, ka peratia. Ihirama tohutohu te ritenga atu. Ki te muru hara kaua kotahi engari 70 wā, kahore he rahui.

Mo te hoa rangatira, ko tana hoa ko to ratou tino hoa. Ko te marena he kirimana e mahi ana nga hoa faaipoipo ki te hanga tetahi i tetahi, o ratou hoa pai mai i tenei ra. He mea nui kia mahara engari he pai noa te whakahoahoa ki te nui o te haumi e mahia ana e koe. Ehara i te makutu. Ehara i te mea aunoa. E kore e tupu. He mea hanga. Ma te mohio. Ma te kaha. A ko nga hua e tika ana ki te haumi.

He mea tika kia noho tahi me to hoa rangatira, kaua ki o hoa hoa i etahi karapu.

He mea tika ki te whakawhanake i nga hiahia noa.

He mea tika kia harikoa ki nga mahi me nga mahi a tetahi.

He mea tika kia tautoko tetahi i tetahi i roto i nga mea pai katoa.

He mea tika ki te whakarite kia tukuna e koe nga urupare me te tupato me te awangawanga, kaua rawa i te iwi whanui.

He mea nui kia maumahara ki waenga i nga hoa wahine kaore he parekura na te mea he whakawhirinaki. Na ko te take tena he mea nui mo nga hoa faaipoipo hei whakamahi i nga mahi motuhake ki te whakahaere i nga kare a roto o tetahi.

He mea tika kia hanga ngatahi te reo, he reo kanohi, kupu, tohu. Ko te reo i roto i te waa ka tata ki te pehea e taea ai e tetahi hoa te mohio he aha te ahua o tetahi atu kaore he whakamaarama. He reo e hari ana ki te kite i te wa e titiro ana koe ki te hunga kua marenatia mo nga tau maha.

He mea tika kia mahara ki te pai o te pai o te hoa rangatira mo tetahi atu, ina koa ka whai waahi kino ratou, he mahi ke.

Koinei te aroha i a Allaah (s) korero mo te wa e kii ana ia kua tukuna e ia i waenga i nga hoa faaipoipo. Ka rite ki nga taonga kaha katoa, Me uru atu, ka noho tonu ranei i raro i te onepu.

Ko te kupu whakamutunga i taua Allaah (s) whakamahia i roto i te Ayah ko Rahmah: Atawhai; I tana korerotanga: {Wa Ja'ala bainakum Mawadaatawn wa Rahah}. Rahmah he kounga motuhake o Allaah (s) Ake. Ko ta te mahi tohu e whakakitea ai e ia ki tana hanga i te wa e kore ai ratou e tika.

I whakamahia e ia tenei kupu hei whakamaarama i te hononga i waenga i nga hoa faaipoipo i roto i te marena. He atawhai matou ki te hunga e aro ana ki a tatou. He atawhai matou ki a tatou tamariki ahakoa kaore tatou e mahi i te aroha kotahi mo nga tamariki ke. Heoi, i te wa ko koe te kaiako i te kura ko nga tamariki ano ka riro i a koe he peka, he atawhai hoki koe ki a raatau. The word Rahmah in the context of marriage draws our attention to the responsibility that the spouses have for one another. It also draws attention to the fact that over the years each has made a lifetime’s investment in the other. To show Rahmah – to be merciful – is to honor that investment and to thank the other for making it. Not to take this for granted. Rahmah is also the quality when for reasons of life and destiny, when one of the spouses is unable to look after the other or to satisfy them, the other still treats him or her with love and respect and mercy. Rahmah is to give without asking for return. To give because there is a pleasure in the giving itself.

Marriage in Islam is therefore a commitment made to each other, of integrity, aroha, Whakaute me te aroha e mahia ana e nga hoa marena tetahi ki tetahi i te aroaro o Allaah (s) Ko wai te kaiwhakaatu mo o tatou whakaaro katoa, Ko nga wawata me nga mahi.

Marena – Te noho.: Me pehea te pupuri i te marena hari

Inaianei kua marenatia koe, Me titiro ki te pehea e pai ai to marena. Ka ui tetahi ki ahau 20 Nga patai mo taua mea. Anei nga whakautu, e tumanako ana ahau ki te hipoki i nga waahanga katoa o tenei mea.

1. He aha nga ahuatanga o te marena hari?

Pono, Tiaki, Ko te whakaute he aha taku e karanga ai i aku tikanga mo nga marena hari e toru o nga marena hari. Tena koa tirohia mai kaore au e whakamahi i te kupu 'aroha'. Ka puta te aroha i enei mea e toru. Ko te mea e kiia ana ko te aroha ko te hiahia tinana. Ko te ahua, te rahi ranei o te tinana o te tangata ehara i te mea whakahihiri mo te aroha; Ka taea e te faauru mo te hianga me te hiahia engari kaua e aroha. No te aroha ki te tupu, Ko te tino pai ko tera, Ko te momo e tipu ana me te tau ka roa atu koe ki te noho tahi, Kei te hiahia koe ki te pono, Te manaaki me te awangawanga mo tetahi - te tuku i nga hiahia o tetahi atu i mua i a koe ake; me te whakaute. Me te kore whakaute i reira kaore e taea te aroha. Me whai whakaaro tetahi ki tetahi, maioha ki o ratou kaha, hanga i to tauira mahi, Ata me te whakapehapeha ki a raatau me te whakakake i to hoa rangatira. Ko te pai o te aroha i roto i te ngakau e tupu ana i te waa na te mea ka tupu nga take o te whakaute me te waa. Ko te whakahoahoa tinana ka whakaiti i te pakeke. Kua whakamaherehia kia mahia. Kaore he tangata e tino ataahua ake me te pakeke. Pakeke koe me te pakeke, Whakanuia te mohio, Metahi atu Mellow, more patient and forbearing and more worthy of respect. The love that comes out of that also grows with age.

Truth is to express feelings as they are and not to have any pretensions.

Caring is to treat the other with concern because you know that with you s/he has no barriers or safety nets.

Respect is to acknowledge the value of the trust that is placed in you in allowing you into that inner most of places in the heart in which nobody else has been allowed before. To treat that privilege with the respect it deserves and never to abuse it for any reason.

2. Is there a formula to be happy in a marriage?

To be forgiving. We need to forgive one another. Ko te mea ka tupu i roto i nga marena maha ko te tumanako ka murua e tetahi atu engari ka mau tatou ki nga paerewa e kore e taea e tatou ano te whakatutuki me te matapo ki tenei ahuatanga koretake.. Kaore tera e mahi. He pai ki te mahara ki te korero, 'Ko te ranu mo te kuihi he ranu mo te gander.’

A faaite i roto i te oraraa o te tahi e te tahi. Kia whai whakaaro ki nga mahi a tetahi atu. Kaua e pukuriri engari ako me te whakanui i te uara. Ko te korerorero te mea matua mo te marena harikoa me te mita hei whakatau i tona hauora. Ko nga marena e mate ana ka timata ki te ngaro te korero. Karekau he mea hei korero mo muri 10 meneti me to whakaaro mo te noho tahi me to hoa rangatira ko te noho ki mua i te pouaka whakaata, te panui ranei i te niupepa i roto i te ruma kotahi, katahi ka taea e koe te kii marie kei te mate to marena. I roto i te mau faaipoiporaa oaoa te vai ra te hiaai no te amui atu i te tahi. Ehara mo te kamupene o etahi atu. Ka tere koe ki te kainga na te mea kei reira to hoa rangatira. Kaore koe e patu ki te kainga ka peke atu ki te karapu noho tahi me o hoa rangatira, ki tetahi atu waahi ranei hei noho tahi me etahi atu hoa.. Kei te hiahia koe ki te noho tahi me to hoa rangatira ehara i te mea ka amuamu ia engari na te mea kei te pirangi koe ki te mahi..

3. Me pehea e mahi ai koe i te marena?

Ma te mahi i tera. Ka whakamahia e matou tenei kupu, 'Whakamahia te marena', engari ka wareware tatou ko te nuinga he 'mahi'. Me whakapau kaha, te wa me te kaha, ka ine, ka puta nga hua. He mahi te mahi parakuihi mo to hoa rangatira. Ko te tuku ki te mahi i ana mahi he mahi. Ko te raruraru ki te ahua ataahua ina hoki mai to tane ki te kainga, kaua ki te mahi horoi horoi waituhi he mahi. Ko te haere ki te taunga rererangi ki te whakatau i tana rerenga he mahi. Ka whiwhi koe i te rere? Ko te mahi i nga mea kaore i puta noa mai, ka mahi ranei i tetahi mea nui mo tetahi atu ahakoa kaore koe e pai ki te mahi, he mahi. A ko enei mea katoa ka hua mai i runga i te maioha me te aroha.

Kaua rawa e amuamu ki te kore to hoa e noho tahi me koe.

Ko te tuatahi he mea pouri, he kore honore te mahi pera.

Tuarua he ture taku: kaua rawa e korero ki tetahi kia mahi mo te mahi e kore e mahia e ia mo te aroha.

A tuatoru, e rapu ana ratou i te kamupene o tetahi atu he karere mo koe; no reira me mahi me te tirotiro i a koe ano ka kite he aha te take i penei ai te whakatika i a koe ano ka rereke nga mea.

E rapu ana nga tangata i nga mea ahuareka. So if your company is more a pain rather than enjoyment, naturally they will go elsewhere.

As I say, ‘If I wanted to marry a nag, I would have married a horse. At least it would have carried me from place to place.’ Nag is a gender neutral term. There are male and female nags and both are equally painful. As I’ve said earlier conversation is a good indicator about what is happening to the marriage. Giving instructions, complaining, informing and gossiping is not conversation. Sharing of thoughts, hopes, aspirations, fears; good listening, aroha, māramatanga, laughing and crying together about issues that are shared; that is what I mean.

Finally companionable silence is also an indicator of a good marriage. You don’t have to be talking all the time. It is the quality of the companionship, the quality of the silence. Ka mohio koe kaore he tangata hei whakamarama, kia pono ahau ki a koe. Engari kia tupato ki a ia ahakoa he raruraru, he hoha ranei kei roto.

Ko te mea nui ko te hiahia ki te tiri, me wehe atu ia i tenei whare mehemea e ranea ana te kai, thoughts, aspirations, te wehi me te hiahia ki te whakarongo tetahi ki tetahi me te manaaki me te whakaute.

Playing

Nga tokorua e takaro tahi ana, noho tahi – e ai ki te whakatauki. He aha nga mea ngahau-he pai ki a koe te mahi tahi, mahia. A rave i te reira i te mau taime atoa. Mena ka takaro tahi koe i tetahi hakinakina whakataetae - me kii te korowha - mahara ki te ngaro i nga wa katoa. Ehara i te mea mo te whakataetae e takarohia ana e koe, a, ko te hanga whakataetae ko te hinga i tana tino kaupapa. Kia mahara ko etahi wa kare pea koe e pai ki a koe, engari he pai ki te kite i te ataata i te mata o to hoa rangatira.. Heoi ano mo tera menemene. Kia pono. He maero te tawhiti ka kitea he ataata whakapaipai. Ehara i te mea ko te mahi te mea matua i nga waahi katoa me te waahi kaore, kei roto i te marena. Ko te 'Performance Appraisal’ no te mea ko te marena he korero tahi e tohu ana i te angitu o te marena, ehara i to mahi whaiaro. Ki te kore ka rite ki te korero, 'I angitu te mahi engari i mate te turoro.’ I roto i to tatou oranga tere i tenei ra, te ahua nei kaore matou i te wa ki te mahi noa, 'kia'. Kua whakatauhia tatou ki te rapu i nga 'hua’ mo nga mea katoa. He tino taumaha tenei, he kino ki te marena. He marena mo Sukoon, tranquility, te kotahitanga, te rangimarie me te maha o nga wa ka whakamaoritia - ko te noho tahi noa kaore he 'hua'.

4. Me pehea e taea ai e koe te whakamatau me te hanga i te marena pouri hei marena harikoa?

He uaua tenei na te mea he rara o mua. Kia tutuki i a koe taua rara o mua katahi ka tino ngawari. Ko te rara o mua, ‘E HINAARO NEI KOE KIA ATU?’ Inaianei he ahua kee te patai engari kua kite ahau i roto i nga tau maha o te tohutohu ko nga rahua katoa i kitea e au na te mea kaore nga hoa i tino hiahia ki te mahi.. Kare ratou i ngakau pono me te haere noa i nga mahi me te whakaaro ki te whakamana i a ratou ano, i etahi atu ranei na ratou i whakapau kaha.. Inaianei he korero teka na te mea kaore ratou i whakapau kaha. I mahi ratou i tetahi whakaari me te mutunga kore.

Kia pono koe ki te huri i nga mea, katahi koe ka noho ki raro ka tuhi i nga mea katoa e pai ana koe mo to hoa rangatira. I muri i nga mea katoa he mea mo ratou e pai ana koe ki te marena ia ratou. He aha ratou? Na ka whai koe i taua rarangi, tuhia e koe nga waahi raruraru. Ko te tikanga he mahi makutu. He maha nga wa ka kino nga marena na te mea kaore tatou i te maioha ki te pai me te kore e mihi mo nga mea kei a raatau. He maha nga wa ka patai ahau ki nga hoa faaipoipo, 'E hia nga wa i te ra ka mihi koe ki to wahine/tane? E hia nga wa o te ra ka awhi koe, ka kihi ranei ia ratou? E hia nga wa i te ra ka korero koe ki a raatau e aroha ana koe ki a raatau?’ He mea whakamiharo te nui o te mihi ki a tatou. Mo te nuinga o nga tangata kaore i te whakahee he rite ki te maioha. Ehara i te mea. Ko te whakapuaki i te tino mihi ko te mihi ki tetahi atu mo nga mea katoa i mahia e ia mo koe. Rasoolullah [p] ka mea, 'Ko te tangata kare i mihi ki te tangata kare ano ia i whakawhetai ki a Allah (s).’ Ua faaite-maitai-hia te haamauruururaa e e mea pinepine o te reira te toto ora o te hoê faaipoiporaa maitai. And remember, ki te mahi maha ko te matua. I muri i nga mea katoa kaore i te kino te haere, e kore matou e mangere ki te whakapuaki. No reira he aha i te wa e pai ana te haere?

5. He pakiwaitara noa te whakaaro mo te hoa wairua - he korero ngawari ranei i waenga i nga tangata?

Ka hangaia nga hoa wairua, kaore i whanau. Na ka mahia i runga i te waa. I etahi wa ka roa te waa. Ka kite koe i a raua e noho tahi ana me te ataata ki nga mea e marama ana ratou. Ko nga ahua ranei e whai tikanga ana mo tetahi ki tetahi. Te korero ranei i roto i te reo e marama ana tetahi atu. Ko nga rerenga korero e whakamahia ana e ratou anake mo tetahi ki tetahi, he korero pohehe pea ki etahi atu engari e pa ana ki o raatau ngakau. Koinei te waahi ka titiro koe ki a ia ka aroha ano koe, 30 tau ki to marena. Me te kata. He mea nui te kata. Ka kata tahi ki nga mea ano. Ma te whakaatu tetahi ki tetahi i nga mea hei whakanui i te hari ma te tiri.

6. He aha te ahua o nga kaupapa me nga mahi e whakatau ana i te marena harikoa?

Hoki ki te kaupapa: Pono, Kawea mai a Mrs, whakaute tahi. Ko ia mahi, kaupapa ranei me uru ki tenei whakamatautau. He pono koe? Kei mua i a koe tana hiahia? A kei te whakaatu koe i to whakaute? Kei te maumahara ahau ko taku kuia i mahi ki taku koroua i ana kai. Ia kai. Ka hoatu e ia he kai ki runga i tana pereti, whakakiia ano, hoatu ki a ia nga wahi kikokiko pai rawa, titiro ki nga mea e hiahiatia ana e ia ka hoatu ki a ia i mua i tana tono. Ka kai ia i nga kai katoa me ia, i roto i tetahi whare he whare rangatira me nga kaimahi maha. Engari karekau he pononga i whakaaetia kia hoatu tika ki taku tupuna. I mauria mai e ratou te paepae ki toku kuia ka mahi ia ki a ia. Ko enei mea katoa i mahia e ia i runga i te ahua o te aroha me te piripono ki runga i ona kanohi e kite marama ana ahau i roto i toku hinengaro i tenei ra 40 tau i muri mai me te nui atu 25 tau mai i te matenga o raua tokorua. He aha ia i penei ai? Na te mea i pai ia ki te mahi. He tino ngawari tera.

I whakahokia e ia tenei ki te katoa. Kaore ia i mahi i tetahi mea ma te kore e tono mo tana tohutohu. Kaore ia i haere ki hea me te kore ia. I mau ia i nga mea i hoatu e ia ki a ia. Kei a ia te mana whakahaere o ana moni. Kore rawa ia i pa atu. Kore rawa ia i tono ki a ia mo tetahi kaute me te taumata o te whakawhirinaki e kitea ana i enei ra, ahakoa ko tana moni, na ki te korero. Kore rawa ia i ara ake tona reo ki a ia mo tetahi mea. Kore rawa ia i titiro ki a ia ma te aroha anake. Ko ia tona oranga katoa i roto i nga tikanga katoa o te kupu.

I aroha ia ki a ia, ka aroha ia ki a ia, ka whakaatu.

I mate ia i te tuatahi. I mate ia e toru marama i muri mai he ngakau maru. Engari i waiho e raua he maharatanga mo a raua tamariki me nga mokopuna mo te marena me te atawhai i to hoa rangatira.

7. Kia pehea te nui o te whai waahi o nga matua me nga ture i roto i te marena?

Ko te mea nui ko te mohio he hononga motuhake enei, me whakahaere. He pera ano mo nga tamariki ina haere mai. Kua kite ahau i nga hoa faaipoipo e noho tauhou ana ki a raua ano na te mea ka whakapau kaha nga tamariki ki te waa me te kaha o te tokorua ki te penei. Ko te pakari ko te kaha ki te whakahaere i enei hononga maha i roto i te marena.

8. Me pehea e huri ai tetahi?

Kaore ratou e kiia ko te 'tohe'. E kiia ana ko 'Whakatikatika'. Ehara i te mea ko nga waahanga o tena engari ko nga waiaro e tohu ana, e kii ana hoki. Ka whakatauhia e taatau ka akiakihia kia mahia. Ka whakatikatika e maatau ki nga mea kia pai ake ai taatau. Ko tetahi o nga mea e kore e pai te utu mo te tokorua o nga taiohi mo nga ahuatanga o te tohatoha rangatira, Te wa me te tūmataiti e kawea mai ana e te marena. Kaore tetahi i korero ki a raatau mo taua mea kaore ano ratou i whakaaro mo te wa e whetu ana o raatau kanohi. Ko nga putiputi kei roto i nga hotera me te tohatoha i tetahi ruma hotera he rereke ki te tohatoha i to ake whare moenga me to ake pouaka. Te huri mai i 'I’ ki 'matou’ he maha nga wa he tukanga uaua. Ka taea e nga mea iti te take o te waku, i etahi wa ka heke ki te pakanga nui.

Ko etahi o nga tangata he maa, he natika. Ki etahi atu tetahi ahua o te 'ota’ he 'whakaeke’ i runga i to ratou herekoretanga, te takitahi me te wairua herekore. Ko etahi tangata he moata moata me te moe moata. Ko etahi e pai ana ki te moe roa me te oho i te wa e whiti ana te ra ki te rangi. Ko etahi ka kai parakuihi, etahi kaore. Ko etahi he mea huatau me te ahua ahua i era atu. Ko etahi e mau ana i o raatau ahua-a-kuri-maui-i-te-kuaha hei tohu mo to ratau takitahi ki te kino o to raatau hoa.. He pai ki etahi tangata nga ohorere, ka kino etahi ki a ratou. Ko etahi e pai ana ki te whakatau, ahakoa kino. Ko etahi e pai ana ki te waiho i nga whiringa kia tuwhera mo te wa ka taea e ratou te haere atu. For some the idea of relaxation is to be alone or with the one they love, all by themselves, sitting often in companionable silence. For others relaxation is to have at least five other people in the fray while managing or two others on the phone. Some people love parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Others hate parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Some focus on the rules, regulations, systems of things. Others see the same things in terms of feelings and emotion. All this would have been fine if difference was seen as merely different. But it isn’t it is seen as ‘right’ (my way) and ‘wrong’ (any other way). This conditioning is culturally universal and ingrained. We all have it.

Many of these are temperament traits, which those who are familiar with ‘Myers-Briggs Type Theory’ will recognize. Ahakoa to mohio ki te ariā e mohio ana ahau ka mohio koe ki a koe ano, o koutou hoa rangatira, whanau me hoa i roto i enei whakaahuatanga. The question is, me aha koe mo te mea ka kitea pea e koe i muri i to marenatanga ki tetahi kua marenatia koe ki tetahi tangata rereke atu i a koe. Te ahua nei kei te mohio tatou ko te rereketanga he raruraru, no reira ka whakaitihia e tatou o tatou rereketanga i mua i te marena. Ka ngana taatau ki te noho pai, te muru me te whakatika ki nga mea katoa. Kia aroha mai, ka roa tenei mo nga wiki e rua ki te marena. Na ka whana te mooni o te rereketanga. Na 'whana’ ko te huarahi tika ki te whakaahua. Ko te rereketanga i roto i te marena he tawhiti atu i te hinengaro. He pono, i te mata me koe i nga ra katoa. Me mahi koe ki te kore ka puta he raruraru. He mea pai ki te kite he maha nga wa ka marena te tangata i etahi atu na te mea he ahua ataahua te ahua o waho.. Mo te tangata ka waiho kia tuwhera nga mea i te wa e taea ana, ko te ahua tino kaha o te hoa rangatira ko te tino o te tangata. Mo te tangata e noho puku ana, raupapa me te hanganga, te mahorahora, Ko te wairua puhoi o te hoa rangatira he rite ki te hau hou. Ko te pouri i roto i nga keehi e rua me nga ahuatanga rite katoa, e kore e roa tenei. Na ka waiho te rereketanga hei puna o te riri, te whakapouri me te pakanga.

Ko te koa he otinga, ko te maarama he rereke te rereke me te kore e pai ki te kite he pai me te kino.. Then to ensure that you don’t criticize your spouse’s different way of being or doing as long as it is not illegal, immoral or likely to drag your good name in the mud. As long as it will not land you or her/him in jail, leave it alone. Let them live the way they like to. Learn to ignore and learn not to engage or comment on or react to everything.

Having said that, decide on what is important to you. Don’t make compromises on issues of principle. Explain to your spouse why you won’t compromise and wise partners will respect that. But issues which are important to the other and which you can live with changing, change. Remember the point about concern for the other? It is good to remember that everything is not a test of your masculinity or femininity. Na roto i te tuuraa ’tu’ ki tetahi mea e kore e ngaro to kanohi; riro koutou ngakau. Na me mahi mena kaore he mea e takahi ana i o uara taketake. I tenei wa ka whakamahara ahau ki a koe ko te marena i tetahi tangata he rereke te 'Aqidah, Ko te tirohanga whakapono, ko te whakapono ranei he tohu mo te aituā engari mo nga tangata karekau e u ki tana ake karakia. Mena kei te pumau koe ki to whakapono ka whakarite kia marena koe ki tetahi tangata e rite ana te pono me te rite o to whakaaro ki a koe..

He tino pai te whakaaro ki te whai korero pono mo nga mea nui ki a koe. I te wa e tupu ana tenei, whakarongo noa. Kaua e whakatika, agree, kare e whakaae, ka tautohetohe ranei. Whakarongo noa ma te whakaute ka whakatau i taau e pai ai, he aha koe e ora ai, he aha te mea ka taea e koe te whakarereke i roto i a koe me nga mea e hiahia ana koe ki te korero ki tetahi atu. Te nuinga o nga tokorua, i roto i te wa whakapoapoa he tino pukumahi ki te ahua tino pai ka uru ki roto i te ahua ahua kore e pa ana ki o raatau ahua.. Kaore e taea te mau tonu te mahi kare ake ka puta te kanohi kanohi me nga hua matapae. No reira korero tika tetahi ki tetahi ka whakatau mena ka hiahia koe ki te marena. I roto i tenei korero korero marama me korero ki a raatau he aha nga mea kore-whakawhitiwhiti mo koe. Kaua e ngana ki te mahi torangapu, ki te whakaute, ki te aha ranei, ka huna, ka takaro ranei i nga mea e tino kaha ana koe.

Peneia'e e ohipa te reira no te faaohiparaa i ta oe mau tiaturiraa faaroo, mo nga tikanga a te whanau, ka noho to Mama ki a koe, ka tiritiri ranei te ngeru i to moenga, aha atu ranei. Ahakoa he aha, mehemea he mea nui, katahi ka korero. He pai ake, he iti ake te mamae i te kitenga o to hoa rangatira i muri mai. Ko etahi mea he ahua 'wairangi’ ki a koe engari ki te mea he mea nui ratou mo tetahi atu ka raru koe ki te kore koe e whakaute.

9. Ko te wa e mohio ai tetahi kaore e pai te marena? A, ahea nga tangata e mahi ai?

Ko te marena he whakaaetanga i waenganui i nga tangata tokorua kia noho tahi mo te painga tahi. Ka kite koe kaore he painga o tetahi ki tetahi, a ko te noho tahi ka nui ake te pouri i te hari katahi koe ka mohio kaore e mahi.. Na me patai koe ki a koe ano i nga patai:

Kei te pai ahau ki te mahi?
He aha te mea hei mahi?
Kei te pai ahau ki te mahi i nga mea e tika ana?

Mena kei te whakaae te whakautu ki a raatau katoa, katahi ka haere ki te mahi. Ki te kore, kua tae ki te wa ki te karanga he ra. Ko te mea nui ki te mahi ahakoa ka whakatau koe ki te whakarere ko te mahara ki nga ture tuatahi e toru: ka hoatu e ia ki a koe nga mea e hiahia ana koe hei mihi, te whakaaro ki tetahi me te whakaute. Kia mohio koe kaore koe e mahi i tetahi mea kaore i te tino pono me te tino ki runga ake i te poari. A faaite i te haapeapea ia ore te tahi atu taata e haere ma te mana‘o ino. He kino rawa te whakarere. Kaua e taapirihia he putea kino. A faaite i te faatura te tahi i te tahi. Ka tika koe, ka tika to marena. Whakaritea te kamupene ki te hiahia koe engari me mahi i runga i te whakaute me te honore.

10. Ki taku titiro ko te Haepapa Matua o te tane ki te mahi me te whai oranga me te tiaki i nga mahi putea o te whanau.. Ko te kawenga matua o te wahine ki te hanga i te kainga hei waahi ataahua, te aroha me te pai, me te arotahi ki te whakatipu tamariki.

Kei te mohio ahau he ahua tawhito tenei ki etahi engari titiro noa he aha te hua o te ahurea Yuppie me te Puppy ka hoki mai ano koe ki nga kaupapa taketake. I te tiaki i te Kawenga Matua, Ko te tikanga me awhina te tangata i te kaainga, tiaki tamariki, whakainumia te kari, horoi i te waka, tapatapahia te tarutaru, tangohia te para, kaua hoki e noho ki mua i te pouaka whakaata me ona waewae ki runga me te peihana popcorn i tona tuke - ahakoa he aha te mea e rite ana ki to tikanga..

He pera ano i te wa e tiaki ana te mama i tana kawenga matua katahi ka pai ki te whakamakuku ia i te maara, ka horoi i te waka, ka tapahi i te tarutaru, ka tango i nga para karekau e noho ki mua i te pouaka whakaata me ona waewae ka tu ki runga me te peihana popcorn i tona tuke - ahakoa he aha te mea e rite ana ki to tikanga.. E mohio ana ahau kei te mohio koe ki taku korero. Ko te wehewehe i nga kawenga he tino pai. Mahia ahakoa te ahua e pai ana koe engari mahia. He mea nui te maramatanga o nga mahi i roto i te marena harikoa, a ko nga raruraru o te mahi ka nui ake te taumahatanga. It is essential for one of the spouses to be dedicated to the upbringing of children; teaching them life skills, tikanga, tools of thinking, decision making and teaching them core values of life. Today in the Yuppie and Puppy cultures the idea of bringing up children is to feed them, ensure that they are washed and dried and entertained. This thinking is the root of all evil. Food, a dry bed and toys is what your dog needs, not your child.

Children need a jolly sight more than food, clothing and shelter if you want to develop a human being who will be your legacy to the world. I believe you need to dedicate yourself to that because it is important. I’ve met many parents who struggled very hard in the early stages of their lives and who say to themselves (and to everyone else) me te ngakau nui me te roimata o o ratou kanohi, “E kore rawa ahau e tuku i aku tamariki kia pa ki nga uauatanga i pa ki a au.” Ka rongo ahau i tenei korero ka ki atu ahau ki a ratou, “Tena koa hurihia te kupu. Kī, 'Kare rawa ahau e tuku i aku tamariki ki te whakapakari i te kaha, huru me te kaha. E kore rawa ahau e tuku kia whiwhi ratou i te mana kei ahau, kia angitu.’ Korerohia tenei na te mea ko te tikanga tena kei te tino korero koe.” Mo te nuinga o ratou he ohorere tenei korero aku. Kore rawa ratou i whakaaro mo o ratou whakaaro mo te whakatipu tamariki i runga i tera ahua.

Mena ka tiakina e koe to tamaiti me te kore e tuku ia ia ki te uru atu ki te waahi o te ao me te whakataetae, kia toto tona ihu i te pakanga, ki te tangi pouri i te po i tana korenga, katahi ka ako ki te whakamaroke i ona roimata me te kimi huarahi hou; ki te whakaae koe kia oma mai ia ki a koe ka tuku i to pakihiwi me to pouaka kopa mo ona roimata, katahi ka mahara ko koe te tino hoariri o te tamaiti. Kei te whakamahere koe ia ia mo te kore.

Kei te tuhi koe i te tuhinga ki te whakangaro i tona oranga, ki te hanga i te pararutiki mai i a ia e kore e whai whakaaro nui ki te ao, ka noho tonu i roto i te ahua o te noho noa e mahi ana i raro i te whakaaro kino o te utu whaiaro, he maha nga wa ka puta mai. i roto i te ahua o te whakatoi me te mana kaha ki runga i te hoa rangatira ko ia anake te tangata ka taea e ia te whakaputa i tana kohungahunga.. Ko te pakanga ka whakapakari i te kaha. Ko te whakahee e ako ana me pehea te whawhai i roto i te pakanga o te ao. Ko te uaua e ako ana me pehea te wikitoria. Ki te kahore ko Koriata, Ka noho tonu a Rawiri hei tamaiti hepara. He maha nga matua kaore i te mohio ki tenei, a ko ratou nga kaihanga o te whakangaromanga o a raatau tamariki, kino me te pai o nga whakaaro.

He maha nga matua e whakataurite ana i nga utu ki te kounga. Ka hoatu e ratou ki a raatau tamariki te maatauranga tino utu nui hei aukati i a raatau mai i nga ahuatanga o te ao, na reira kaore rawa ratou e ako ki te whawhai ki nga pakanga pono.. Ka hoatu e ratou ki a ratou nga taonga taakaro tino utu nui e ako ana ki a ratou ki te tautuhi i te uara tangata i runga i te utu o te taonga (te 'pai’ ko nga tamariki te hunga he pai rawa atu nga taonga taakaro). Ka arai ratou i te rawakore, he iti, te kore rawa o nga rauemi, na reira ka ‘tiaki’ mai i te whai waahi ki te kaha o te taraiwa, wawata, whakaaro kotahi te arotahi ki te whakatutuki i te nui, hao nui, whāinga whakamataku. Ka hanga e ratou he taiepa i waenganui i a ratou tamariki me te iwi e tika ana i te mutunga, mahi ki. Ko nga tangata ka pai i tetahi ra, mahi i roto i o raatau whakahaere me te whakatau i o raatau mate. Ko nga tangata e hiahia ana ki te whakahihiri, arahina, ka manaaki, ka tautokona. Na reira nga tangata me maarama. Ehara i te mea mo te mahi pai me te mahi aroha engari na te mea ko te angitu o te pakihi me te whanau kei runga i te whanaketanga o enei tangata.; te mano tini. Ka wareware, ka warewarehia ranei e nga matua aroha ki tetahi ra ka tae mai te wa mo te ngeru ngeru ngeru ngeru ngeru ngeru molly iti ki te uru ki te ngahere o te ao tuuturu kaore he taputapu hei oranga., nui rawa atu ki te arahi i etahi atu.

Me tautoko engari kaua e tiakina.

Me tohutohu engari kaua e korero me aha.

Me whakaae ratou ki te tango i a ratou ake whakatau engari kaua e ngaro te painga o te anga tohutoro o te uara o te honore, fairness, responsibility, kawenga takohanga, te poipoi me te kaitiakitanga.

Me tuku kia rongo, ki te tangi i te po mo nga taumahatanga e pa ana ki etahi atu, ki te hanga whakahoa me nga hononga e hora ana i nga rohe o te tae, iwi, karakia, te motu me te uaua ake, te tikanga hapori me te whakatoihara.

Me ako ratou ko te noho rawakore me te whai honore ehara i te mea e wehe ke ana tetahi; kia rite ki te whai taonga me te whai honore ehara i te mea kotahi me te kore e puta aunoa.

Me ako ratou ko te pai ko te ahua o te hinengaro. He tu, he whakatau, he turanga e mau ana tetahi, ehara i te mea kei te matakitaki tetahi engari na te mohiotanga o te tangata ki tona tuakiri.

Me ako ratou ki te uara o te ako me te whakanui i te hunga e whakarato ana.

Te mau tamarii tei ore i haapiihia i te faatura i to ratou mau orometua haapii, ua erehia ratou i te haamaitairaa o te ite. I tenei ra he mate nui tenei ki te maha o nga taiohi me te kuare. Ko te noho kuare he whiriwhiri; he whiringa whakamate.

Ka mahi ahau na te mea ko wai ahau. Na ka riro ahau, no te mea e mahi ana ahau. Me ako ratou ko ta tatou mahi e whakaatu ana i a tatou. Me ako ratou ka whakatauhia e te tangata i runga i nga mea e rua i a raatau me o raatau takoha. Engari ka whakanuia ratou mo nga mea i kohaina e ratou. No te mea ka maharatia tatou, ehara i te mea mo nga mea i a matou engari mo nga mea i hoatu e matou.

Only when they are taught to focus on contribution from their earliest childhood will they be able to fight the force of consumerism that is focused on consumption. Blind, self-centered consumption that in the end will consume us all, if it is allowed to proliferate unchallenged. If you don’t agree, use condoms. That is far better than producing children who are a nuisance at best and a painful reality in the lives of others, as long as they live.

11. Naturally it is the responsibility of both people – like in any agreement. It is important to recognize and accept this responsibility so that you will then do what it takes to fulfill it. As I mentioned above, I advocate actually sitting down and having a dialogue about what each one is supposed to do. Korero ki a raua ano ka whakaae. Kaua e waiho ma te pohehe me te kitenga. Ka puta te pohehe me te pouri. He moemoea te marena pai.

Kia tutuki ai me oho me mahi. Mena kei te tumanako koe ka tunu to wahine ma o hoa ka kawea mai e koe ki te kainga i ia wa, say it. Me korero ano he aha te tikanga o te waa ki te waa. Mena kei te tumanako koe ka kohia e to tane te kai i te hokinga mai ki te kainga me ana hoa mai i te wharekai, penei. Ki te whakaaro koe ka mahia e to wahine te parakuihi maau ka noho ki a koe e matakitaki ana ka puta koe i waho o nga hua me te tohi, penei. Mena kei te tumanako koe ka kawea mai e to tane nga hua me te tunu ki a koe i runga i te moenga (kare rawa i tino pai ki te kai me te kore e parai i o niho), penei. Ko taku tikanga ko tera i roto i nga marena, it is often the so-called ‘silly things’ that lead to trouble. So silly or not, say it if it is important to you.

My second Cardinal Principle – Concern, is what is most important to remember. If you apply the Golden Rule – Do unto them as you would have them do unto you – you can’t go wrong. The virus that kills marriage is a two letter word – ME. To get you have to give. What you have in your hand is your harvest. What you sow is your seed. To get a harvest you have to first sow the seed. Remember that the harvest is always more than the seed. So give and give with grace, with love, with joy. And you will get much more than you bargained for.

Show consideration for your spouse. Do things without being asked. Be aware of what they like the most and do it. Try to please them. Don’t play power games. The marriage is not a contest to get the better of the other. You are not in a race or in a WWF wrestling match or in a competition to see who is more powerful. Remember that every time you ‘win’ the other person loses. And losing is something that nobody enjoys. So at some point they will get tired of losing and you have no marriage. And that is the biggest loss that you brought on to yourself. A marriage is a relay race – long term, passing the baton to the other at each stage and the team – in this case the two of you – wins.

12. Today we live in a world where selfishness is not a sin anymore. However changing your mind about an evil does not make it good. You will get sick even if you fall in love with the virus. People wanting to get married have to learn to think about the other and to consciously give him or her precedence and preference. If you can’t do this, your marriage will break down sooner or later. Our lifestyles, the internet, social networking and talking to people across the world from other cultures, the TV with its unreal, fantasy world of soap operas, many of which are designed to destroy marriages. They promote ideas that are either directly destructive or lead to the killing fields of marriage. These serials glorify disrespect for elders, extramarital affairs, destructive competition, ostentatious consumption and generally behavior that is destructive and negative for all concerned except for those who make the serials. A good marriage is about living in the real world, not in a world that is neither bold nor beautiful.

13. 7 year itches, I don’t think there is any such thing. Looking outside your marriage for companionship which can then lead to a breakup, is a sign of intrinsic unhappiness. If you feel it, the thing to do is to deal with it. Not look outside. The problem with 7 year itches is that every 7 years you are older and less desirable. Then where will you go?

14. I don’t think children either make a marriage happy or unhappy. It is more their upbringing that makes the home happy or not. Children give the parents a common interest but for a marriage if the only thing in common is the children then something is wrong. On the converse side children take a lot of time and attention and energy and this can be difficult to handle for many people. But if the spouses share in the work of bringing up children and take the trouble to bring them up well, with good manners, values and attitudes, then they can be a huge asset for the marriage.

15. Appreciate each other and express this appreciation on a daily basis. Catch each other doing right. Do things for one another only to see the smile on the face. Invent your own language which only the two of you understand. We used to keep a book on a table in the house in which we would write things we liked about each other or something nice we wanted to say to one another. We did say it as well but sometimes writing is easier.. Second most important rule: Don’t react to everything that the other says. Take 10 deep breaths. Then forget it. Reactions produce reactions and in the end it is taken out of your hands.

Finally never go to bed mad at each other. Always make up before you go to bed. Cuddle up together and sleep. Never quarrel in the bedroom. Never in bed. Make this a rule. If you have a problem, deal with it in the morning. Usually by the morning it would have solved itself.

16. Is fighting healthy? Kaati, depends on what is meant by ‘fighting’. If it means trying to get the better of each other in an argument and using all kinds of means to do so then it is definitely not healthy. If it means arguing as in a friendly fencing match between equal intellects that leads to good feeling, then it is good. Avoid power games like the plague. Many marriages turn into daily competitions between the spouses to see who can control the other. This takes many apparently benign and legitimate forms. But they are all illegitimate, subversive and destructive to the marriage.

Some people use religion as a means of control and invoke religious rulings and promise the other brimstone and hellfire for disobeying some whim or fancy of yours. ‘Should’ is the most useless word in the language. If people did what they should then the world would have been a different place. Both need to look at the real drivers behind their apparent religious orientation because it has nothing to do with the Almighty. Power games come in many packages. Spouses use children as pawns in their games at getting the better of each other. Others use health concerns, eat more, eat less, joint family rules, cultural taboos and many other things. All are power games and all are destructive.

17. Both financial hardship and plenty can be a source of bonding or a source of drifting apart. It is mutual respect and concern for one another that counts. And that is a result of character, piety, learning, nobility of conduct and deportment, confidence, trustworthiness, dignity and grace, genuine desire to please one another and to place the need of the other before and above one’s own. None of these are things that money can buy or that we need money for. Marriages are happy or break up for reasons other than money. Money problems are not money problems even when there are money problems; if you see what I mean.

18. Lie, betray trust, cheat, play power games. Also making fun of one another as in mocking. Showing disrespect in the name of humor. Humor is to laugh with someone, not to laugh at them. Lastly but by no means the least, by being overly self-focused and showing disregard and no concern for the other. Honesty is still the best policy in 2010 and will still be the best policy in 3010 if the world lasts that long.

19. There’s a difference between telling lies and not divulging all the details. Not divulging all the details, for example about your friendships before marriage, is not wrong and is a very wise thing to do. The spouse has no need to know and it is something that does no good to the marriage no matter how ‘broadminded’ the spouse may be. But to tell a lie is wrong and goes against the grain of all that I have said above. Incidentally ‘white lies’ is a racially color biased term, like ‘black sheep’, ‘nightmare’, ‘black heart’ me etahi atu; the legacy of English which is originally the white man’s language. Knight in shining armor can be all black too – black shines even more than white if you notice.

Having said that, telling ‘the truth’ inappropriately or in a harsh manner does no good either. Being silent is an option that is worth exploring. For example if the toast is burnt or the food has no salt or something is not to your liking there are many ways of saying it. But you also have the option of remaining silent in honor of all the times that it was delicious. If the husband comes home cranky it is irritating but you have the option to remind yourself that a nice cup of tea and talking about something else is probably more productive than saying, ‘Don’t bring your office home’.’ You would be justified in saying so if you did, but sometimes it is better to be kind than to be justified. Diplomacy and wisdom are great virtues and most useful in a marriage. Ko te kore e mirimiri i to ihu ki roto he whakaaro nui. Tahuri atu marie. Kaua e titiro ki o raatau ngoikoretanga. E mohio ana nga hoa marena he he ratou engari kaore pea i te mea ka piko ki o waewae ka tono kia murua. He mea whakaaro nui ki te waiho noa i a raatau me te kore e tono ki te ruku. He mea nui kia mau tonu te mana o te tangata. Ahakoa he whakahaere - he whiriwhiringa uniana, he tautohetohe a-whare ranei, he mea nui ki te tuku i te tangata e he ana ki te 'whakaora kanohi'. Ko te tohe ki te whakaiti i a ratou ko te tahu piriti ki te whanaungatanga a meake nei. Kia mahara he tangata ano koe, a ka he tonu tetahi ra. Kaua e hanga he ahuatanga kei te tatari tetahi atu mo taua ra ki te whakahoki mai i to pai.

20. It is helpful for couples to talk about their problems to someone they respect and whose advice they are willing to listen to. Usually it is better to talk to strangers as they are perceived to be fairer and more objective, as they don’t know either party but really it doesn’t matter as long as it is someone you respect and who you have decided to listen to, meaning to obey his or her advice. As I have said earlier, before you go to talk to anyone, decide if you are going to listen to what they say even if they don’t agree with you. If you are going to someone with the expectation that they must agree with you and support your stance no matter what it is, then don’t waste your and their time. No self-respecting, Ko te kaitakawaenga pono me tona mana ka whakaae ki te whai whakaaro ki tetahi taha, ki tetahi atu ranei. Ki te mahi ratou, then they are not fit for the position.

In conclusion I would like to say that a marriage can be as good or as bad as you would like to make it.

It is literally in your own hands.

Matrimony Pure

….Where Practice Makes Perfect

Tuhinga mai-Ideal Muslimah – kawea mai ki a koe e Pure Matrimony- www.purematrimony.com – Te Ratonga Matrimonial Nui rawa atu o te Ao mo nga Mahometa Mahometa.

Aroha tenei tuhinga? Ako atu ma te haina mo o maatau whakahōu i konei:http://purematrimony.com/blog

Rēhita ranei ki a matou ki te rapu haurua o to Insha'Allah ma te haere ki:www.PureMatrimony.com