Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship

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Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship
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By Pure Matrimony -

Zina (fornication) has become a common place occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when most Muslim parents virtually put their children under ‘lock and key’. The answer is that although most parents are strict where their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of “no boyfriend” when their daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do?

The following article highlights ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.

In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahatma (non-Mahatma is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married! Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship.

At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or ‘an affair’. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, and sexual diseases – the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: Ibn Masoud (r.a.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community.” [Bukhari and Muslim]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Muslim]. But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished – he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [Muslim]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (s.a.w) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Hellfire [Bukhari].

At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul.

Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allah bestows mercy upon:

Abu Hurairah (r.a.a) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said that among the seven persons whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allah. [Bukhari and Muslim].

Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.

You must teach him or her to:

1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex.

2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allah tells us: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts…” [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “…do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]

3. For girls, teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahram. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) “…do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you…” [33:32]

4. Last but not least, teach them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijabs and loose clothing while boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with T-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashion clothing which, in most cases, do not meet the requirement of acceptable Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons.

5. It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex. Regarding shyness, we should use the Prophet (s.a.w) as an example: Abu Said Al Khudri (r.a.a) reported that the Prophet (s.a.w) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Bukhari] If we instill this into them at an early age then, Insha’ Allah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called ‘the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship’.

What led to this?

There are many reasons why girls seek out boys. The first culprit that parents point the accusing finger at is the girl’s raging hormones. This may be true in some girls but not all. There are girls who have raging hormones but who can control themselves, and then there are girls who do not have raging hormones but who still pursue the opposite sex.

Therefore, what are some other possible reasons for the girl’s behavior?

Peer pressure is one. When all her friends and school mates have boyfriends, she feels compelled to follow suit. If she does not have a boyfriend of her own then she feels left out because she cannot fit in with their after school activities and cannot join in their conversations. What makes it worse is that everyone will see her as a “geek”.

Another reason is if she is undertaking a popularity contest. She competes with other girls in attaining as many boyfriends as she can to see who will be the popularity queen. These contests also occur because it is seen that only popular girls have boyfriends. Boredom often drives a girl into the arms of a boy. She sees her life as monotonous and so searches for thrill and excitement with the boy. Or perhaps her self-esteem is low, so she depends on him to make her feel desirable and wanted.

Yet another reason is that she needs to be loved. She seeks her parents love but cannot access it, therefore, she seeks it elsewhere. Similar to this is if she is seeking her parents attention. She defies them in seeking a boyfriend so that she can have their attention. Any attention to her is better than no attention. The difference between the need for love and the need for attention is that the former does it passively. If she cannot get it from her parents then she goes elsewhere. Whereas the latter demands it from her parents. There could be other reasons or the reasons could be a combination of the above. However, whatever the reason or reasons may be, parents need to identify and understand it. This is easier than it sounds as parents have a tendency of triggering their daughters to clam up.

How to approach them?

When parents talk, care needs to be taken so as not to become accusative (“You did this to…”) and judgmental (“You are so…”), otherwise it will end up like a police interrogation (“Why did you…?”). This only adds to their daughter’s defiance. Also, to keep her self-esteem intact, avoid using “should”, “don’t” and all other negative words. Talking effectively also means to know when to listen. This includes not only hearing but understanding. To understand what has been said, parents need to clarify it (“Do you mean…?”), acknowledge it (“You feel… because…”) and empathize with it (“You sound really…”). When the teenager feels that her parents understand her, she will be encouraged to confide in them and explain why she does things and how she feels about it. And as I said earlier, by understanding, parents will get the full picture and will then know which appropriate action to take. Also, if parents want to be listened to by their children, they need to model good listening skills. Children tend to do as parents do rather than as parents say. So now is always a good time to start practicing these skills.

Insecurity

Looking closer at the above reasons, parents will see that the underlying factor is that the girl feels insecure about herself. Her self-esteem is low and so she relies on the boy to make her feel good about herself. The root of falling into the trap of peer-pressures, popularity contests, the need to be wanted and loved, and to have attention, is insecurity. If this is the case then give her the love and attention that she needs. Show and tell her that you love her despite her “bad” behaviors, and yet you will not tolerate them. Teach her how to feel good about herself and her religion. Build her self-esteem by acknowledging her good behaviors and achievements or her attempts to achieve (and not focusing on failures). Assign her challenging tasks and stimulating activities. This also applies to the bored daughter.

Take her to teenage Islamic gatherings and camps. Encourage her to make new Muslim friends. As to the one with raging hormones who cannot control herself, ask her if she would like to marry (but do not force it upon her).

Certainly, remind her that it is the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship that cannot be approved and teach her (again) about Islam’s position with regards to this. Lastly, provide Muslim role models for her. Stories about those women who guard their chastity and piety are rewarded for doing so. Maryam, mother of Prophet Eesa (a.s), is one great example.

Don’t forget about the boys

Having taken care of the daughter, I will now focus attention on the son. It is ironical that parents react as if there is a death in the family when their daughter engages in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. But when it is the son who is in a similar or worse position, the same parents are complacent,. feel that the boy needs to have experience and enjoy himself first before he can settle down and marry. It is as if the daughter alone carries the honor of the family.

Honor needs to be distributed evenly among the family if it is to be kept intact. This means the father, mother, son and daughter must each guard their own honor. If the father or mother loses his or her honor then they are providing the role model for their children. And if the son loses his honor and goes unpunished then the daughter will see this as a hypocritical act and consequently rebels. For any mediating action to work on the daughter, parents must be consistent on their son as well. Look to the reasons why girls pursue boys then parents will see that those are the same ones that propel boys into the arms of girls.

Source: ilovallaah

110 Comments to Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship

  1. fahad khan

    assalam alykum,
    i m fahad khan single ,sir i wnat to know about mesterbust(hand practice)….as per islam..plz give me the answer

    • Assalaamu alaikum mr. Fahad , i was just reading this article and stumbled upon ur question , in Islam , masturbation , which is the hand practice , or using anything to pleasure yourself , is haraam and also counts as zina , may Allah help us stay away from it.

      • Asalam o alakum Mr. Ibrahim
        Can you please quote any valid reference for this?
        I did not found it else where that hand practice is like zinna or it is haram.
        Thanks in advance.

      • Muhammad Rehman

        Dear Brother
        Its very basic question. You should know that Islam is the religion of nature and being a Muslim we only need to go towards the right means. What we all ignore about this matter is that our society or parents do not provide the right means (marriage) and even if we try our self they create hurdles. Consequently we are forced to go towards the wrong options. Masturbation is the easiest one so most of us opt for that. Allah put the great sexual desire in human beings so that human reproduction process continues and that is why our Prophet (PBUH) put a great stress on marriages. So my advise to you is to look for a good wife and go towards the right path. Our scholar also ignore this fact and they write the big articles like the one above but do not tell the way of prophet which is mentioned in the hadith
        Muslim :: Book 8 : Hadith 3233
        Abdullah (b. Mas’ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: 0 young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford It should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.
        Muslim :: Book 8 : Hadith 3240
        Jabir reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.
        I hope Allah make it easy for us to go on right path.

  2. Why does this whole article focus on girls, when, in fact, boys are the ones who actually make the first move and enter relationships more often?

    The article should’ve been written about both.

    • Assalaamu alaikum sister maryam , i didnt write this article in any way i was just reading , indeed boys are the ones that are more involved in this type of act and they are the ones which usually mislead the girls into such bad actions , the author clearly said in the last sentence that everything they wrote about prevention for girls also applies for the boys , may Allah guide us all and prevent us from falling into sins.

    • I think sister mariam you are being hypocritical boys and girls are both responsible. you cannot just lay blame that boys are the ones making the first step. i’ve seen both happening and lets not the blame game, if we follow our religion properly as per the quran and the sunnah, these positions should not arise.

      first of all girls are beautiful, it is the tendency to look at a beautiful female. even females are envious of another females beauty, that does not often happen between males. even by saying this, i do not say girls have to be proper in their behavious, boys are also to me made equally proper

      • She’s not being hypocritical. The article masha Allah hits the ball out of the park, but it is focused on sisters (as always), with a “p.s. keep an eye on boys too” type of conclusion. LOL I guess some things never change.

        • yep. this is very true. demonize the woman. men have forgotten one thing along time, one thing which gives woman the power above all. we are weak of power, true. but we are the ones which create life. and indeed we are the ones who offer paradise on earth to a man. where else does a man find oblivion, than in a woman’s arms? so they make us evil, because if we are evil, we should be submissive. every man true with himself knows for sure his sexual impulses, not to say men think about sex i don’t know how many times every hour? how many of us women do this?? none.

          • Instead of fighting as boys and girls… Better we correct ourselves. Please stop this Sex(Gender) wars. Think as a muslim.

          • Assalamu alaykum sister Andreea, please be careful of what you say. Women do not create life nor do they offer paradise. Allah Subhana wa ta’ala provides these means.

            Allah knows best.

    • Sister, this article is written about both, and it even points out how a lot of parents can be hypocritical and let the boy slide with his actions. The author of this article merely chose to write about girls first, therefore when they got to explaining about the boy they clearly stated that the same rules apply to the boys. There no point in rewriting the entire article for the boy when it was already done for the girl first. All they need to do is mention how everything applies to the boy as well. Believe me, everyone agrees that the boy probably commits zinah more often.

      • I know the article applies to both, and I know my reply is coming in a little late, but I would just like to say that you’re right. The article is aimed equally at both boys and girls. Because of this, I wonder why they have to separate the rules for boys and girls if the rules are indeed the same.

        That’s all. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh =)

    • I totally agree.. this write up is a little biased… and it focusses on more restraint for girls… equality is the way to go forward..

    • This article is very one-sided for sure. To put all the blame on the girl and give barely two paragraphs addressing the “raging” male hormones is so condescending towards women it is almost unbelievable. Word it how you want, it is what it is and that is an editorial about the degradation of women.

  3. areeba aaiza

    it is very nice lesson as i m mother of two daughters and i know now how i teach my daughters and sis maryam this is the lesson for both

  4. For sure we invoke Allah to guide us on the right path,this sounds normal to many youth of today including me yet it is leading us to jahannama,ooohh!thanx for the concern to curb this,may Allah make it prosper.

  5. MA It’s a vry nyce article. I’m a 14 yr old girl who wondered alot about this. My mother or my father could not give much time to me but it was not their fault and i realized that. I knew that my mom wholeheartedly loved me. An although we never had these talk abt boys n stuff, I understood that it was wrong. I think it was my mom’s love that made me refuse the temptations. On many occasions I would be very tempted but MA I would just think of my parents, my religion and my family name and I would say ‘ No I would prefer being friends’. However, I do act and talk nicely with boys and we’re nice friends but i take care that i dun give any1 the wrong idea. It was not only other people why i refused. It was also that i thought that I would nver like to have a boy who might have been with other girls. In the end we belong to one person and what wud we do if our past cumes back n haunts us. Having a clean past would only create pure and true relationships and ‘true luv’. Belonging to only one person. I think depite the parents influence it;s also the kid’s way of thinkin dat matter.

    LOL i made a long post!

    • Khadijah

      Maacha Allah! I am surprised that a young girl like you could think of such a great way of preventing yourself from committing Zinah. I agree with you that it is a person’s decision to get into it, but we should not forget our creator, for he is the only one capable of preventing us from doing such things, as getting involved into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, which is the main thing that leads us to Zinah.. May Allah (SWT) be our guide… Ameen!!

    • Very well said from a very young girl like you. apparently your parents build in you a very strong foundation of faith and fear in God, love and respect for parents and oneself, keen understanding of what is right and wrong and strong discipline. MashaAllaah… May Allaah the Almighty , the best Guide and only Protector protects and guide you always…. InshaAllaah…

      • I am 20, and I have an older sister. One time when my mom sat down with her to talk about this type of relationship, she sat me down too listen in as well, I was only may be 7/8 while she was 11/12. I have to say, that even though I didn’t understand most of it, it allowed me the basis to talk to my mom about it since then if I needed to. It helped me a ton and I wish inshallah that other mother’s will be willing to talk the time to kindly talk about it with their kids and not play the blame game.
        Because in that one lecture I got, no matter how much I liked a guy I would NOT come near him besides as a friend, or even less so. There would always be a voice inside my head that would remind me all the things my mom told me would happen if I did enter a relationship. And over the years of my teen life, my mother’s words proved true for some of my friends who didn’t listen to their parents. I wish for my fellow brothers and sisters, if they can not listen to their parent’s advice, to take a step back and take a serious look around them. Those type of relationships will only hurt you or the person you like in the end, so its best to stay away.

        Sorry for the LONG comment.

  6. Sana, i agreewith you with everything although im only 12,my parents dont think i have feelings but i like these two muslim guys but i dont want to like them one of them keeps bothering me and wont stop talking to me and attracts me but i try hard not to listen but i just cant i know this isnt a relationship advice site, but if anyone would give me advice on how to protect myself from falling into the trap of shaytan and to stop liking these boys, it would be great.thank you Alhamdulillah.

    • Assalaamu alaikum sister sabrina i am a 14 year old boy and my personal advise is to just say you are not intressted this will dicourage the boy and he will stop bothering you i also think you should try to stay away from him so that he has less chances of talking to you i hope this has helped. ps. you could try to say any thing to discourage him from trying to ask you out.
      reply once you have tryed it so i can see how it has worked out for you

    • Salaam!
      Sister Sabrina,
      i applaud you for your interest in getting closer to religion, and knowing that you may be doing something wrong and want some guidance to make these feelings go away. the sad thing is, we are humans. attractions, likings, love, crushes, these are all bound to happen, ONLY WHEN WE LET IT HAPPEN. if we avoid making friends with guys, avoid dressing up to catch the attention of guys, and avoid being around friends who have boyfriends or talk bout boys, then you will be in good hands. you also should increase your prayer time and dikr time with Allah, He can definaltey help you ALOT! Inshallah you will be guided and will refrain from anything more than what u have now.

    • I went through that. My best advice is to calmly confront the guys and tell them to please leave you alone, with a serious tone to your voice. If that doesn’t work out, try your best to always be with a trusted girlfriend(s) who won’t leave you if the guy is around (because if a guy and girl are together, shaytaan makes the third person). This will help to keep the guy in check, and you will have the help of your friend to make him leave.

      I hope this helps you inshallah. 🙂

  7. Asssalam o alikum
    my name is M. Wajid. i want to ask that can a engaged boy and girl talk with each other if they talk with in the limits of islam.i means they have no sexual relationship r any bad acts such as dating and etc. because sometimes ones may b bored and he/she wants to talk with his close one. is it allowed or not? talking on the phone r internet and talking with in limits.

    • brother it is not permissible in islam don’t make urself fool.shaytan may trap u anytime u both r non-mahram to each other until the marriage contract is done then u can talk to her and seek the reward of ur lord (ALLAH) don;t mess urself into such things try to make urself busy into useful things like remembering ayats,dua’s etc

      • yes brother i do but i usually try to put her in good track.ask her about offer salah regularly,recite holy quran. we are not in same country. and Alhumdulillah i daily recite holy quran.my own heart some times doesnt permit me to do like this but i mostly guide her about islam.is it bad???yeah i know that it is not permissible but some things depends on thoughts and intentions. Alhumdulillah she is quite changed as compared to before. and i didnt touched her before or saw her with bad eyes. and i want to change her much as a perfect Muslimah.

        • brother the argument is in vain because u r not getting or trying to giveup this relationship,y she wants to learn deen through evil sources like being alone with or chatting etc,there are lots of sources through she can learn deen ask her to join the company of good religiously commited women or girls n i hope this will work INSHA’ALLAH if her intension to learn the deen is pure.
          if something is forbidden in our religion thn it is in our favour

          • brother give me ur email adress.i want to discuss with u. here it is difficult. my yahoo id is
            wajid_sadiq
            gmail
            rmwsk56
            r here in facebook
            Hafiz M. Wajid Sadiq
            r search by my yahoo mail adress. thanx

  8. Sheraz Ajmal

    Dear Brothers and sisters, the article is clearly about ourselves to see where we actually are going. Try just to understand that this topic is not just focusing girls but boys as well. watching the current fact and figures girls are more often involved in such acts and boys are always weak at this and at the end both end up at same they performed zinah a very big sin. Kindly try to understand as both boys and girls needs to watch him / herself and do what Islam says. I request you all not to change the topic into blaming game to each other. Every one knows him / herself better than anyone else. So monitor youself closely and try to focus to preechings of Islam. May Allah bless us and show us the right path. Ameen. Allah O Akbar.

    • I am sorry, what does “boys are weaker at this” mean?? are they excusable and forgivable, right?? “well, they are weak anyway, let’s just get over it. but she, she’s the one to blame, she should be strong and guard her honor” bla bla i say. Men are the head of the family, right?? well, how should i accept my man to be my head and trust him, if he is weaker than me?? isn’t this the teaching of our religion?? Men rule. well, if they want to rule, they have to prove themselves capable of that.

  9. This was a great read. I come from a Muslim background and my parents have instilled in my mind that being in a relationship is wrong.. I still however feel the need to be in a relationship( which doesn’t have to ne a sexual one) to find out who I am and what I want in a partner before I marry them. What still puzzles me is how a woman is meant to go about this.. I’d like to marry someone I know very well… I live in Australia and I know traditionally in the Arab world ( where my heritage lies) that marriage is very different to that of the rest of the world …. By the way I agree with Mariam. This article is solely based on the girl. when it is in fact the BOY who usually pursues relationships with women or ‘ makes the first move’

  10. Asaaalamu alakum,
    This was a very educational article that I really enjoyed reading. I am a proud 18 year muslim and found this information benefical for when I have kids. I think it is ashame that todays young generation don’t tend to care enough about their religion or have enough respect for themselves to keep from zinan. Fear of Allah should keep any true muslim from doing anything haram.

  11. i encourage everyone to share this with their friends. Dont fear their criticisms and judgements. post it on ur walls, email it, and spread Islam ! 🙂

  12. Ahm..i don’t know if those who wrote this actually read our comments, but if you do: you are being hypocrites. I am sorry to say this, but this article is a shame to the islamic way of treating sexes. talk 2 pages about the “bad girls” and one paragraph about they boys: “hey, let’s not forget about them completely, remind them a bit, but if they forget, well, they are boys and they are weaker”. study biology anatomy, whatever you want and get the hard facts of life: males are initiating sexual contacts in almost ALL species. including us. so you’d better adress them first. as i already said, because they are men, they are our heads, right? heads of families, societies, imams and so on. If they are the heads, they have to act as such or get down from the throne. I will not have a man who’s hiding under the excuse of being weaker when it comes to sex as a head of anything. Gilrs want to be liked. sexual impulse develops much later in life. and that’s a fact. not brain-washing. I’m dissapointed with this page.

    • andreea … let’s not say that it’s one sided. being muslim we must acknowledge certain facts cos ALLAH S.W.T knows what’s good for the both of us (males n females) There r reasons why certain rules applies to men n not women. so it’s better for us to upgrade our islamic knowledge n find out. Islam have upgrade the standing of women as compared to life b4. w r rated equally if we r more pious than the men then the we can go to heaven b4 them. never2 play the gender game cos it doesn’t do u gd … sorry … just a little advice from an old lady

    • Who cares if it’s not focusing on guys as much? It’s still directed to both sexes and does a VERY good job of telling us the instructions of islam. Islam is meant for men and women, are you telling me that men can get drunk but a woman cannot? Saying these people are hypocrites are going a bit too far, if anything you should be a bit more pleased, there you go, an article mainly devoted for women like you. But these certain rules apply to everyone in Islam, we must try to come closer to Allah and make some sacrifices for him, ameen. A man’s sexual desire is…. stronger than a woman’s, which makes him weaker, but not a weak person, but he can’t “make the first move” if the WOMAN herself is not giving herself out. Girls want to be liked? They also like first as well. Men want to be liked? The mainly want to like someone first as well, who doesn’t want to be liked. But guess what, Islam has taken precautions against that, which is why we shall wait till marriage, let’s all try to be unitized here sister, jazakullahukhayr and peace be upon you.

    • Sister, i dont know which science you are talking when you say Boys’s initiate sexual contacts in almost all species?? if you take the phylum arthropoda(insects) i think the percentage will reverse in favour of females.

      But yes i do agree that this write up is biased but anyhow it does portray the right message. One more thing i dont understand here is … The write ups directs us not to mingle with the opposite sex or interact… but here we are openly discussing with each other and everyone…. i think more insights are needed on this topic (interaction) as i strictly doubt that it falls under the category of ‘Haraam’.

      • Assalamu alaykum brothers and sisters,

        First off sister Andreea, you are completely missing the point of the article. It was to teach us how to explain to young Muslims (male and female) about the consequences of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and how to explain it to them in a proper manner.

        – As in a comment above, the article’s structure was written with all the theory and practice in regards to a female then specifically written that everything that was written applies to males just the same. There would be no point in writing the same things all over again for males.

        – You may argue that why did not the writer start by addressing males. You would be correct in asking so. I cannot speak for the writer but I may suggest that we know and science also suggests that females are more emotional beings, in the sense that, they react more with their emotions. This, I think you will agree, does not always end well. Hence, this may have been a reason to address females first, again I cannot speak for the writer.

        – You forgetting Islam regards women in the highest of rankings with males. Our beloved Prophet Muhammed – Sallallahu alaihi wassallum – fought for the rights of women. Anything nowadays which promotes only men be the heads of the family or belittle women, is culture. So understand that that kind of thinking is due to the environment those individuals have been in, it is not the general consensus.

        – There women leading nations as well, please think before you speak/write. Your comment conveys a lot of emotive language suggesting you too were being emotional.

        – Brother Asjad, I cannot imagine interacting for the sake of Allah and Islam without actually looking at each other as being incorrect. That is just my opinion, Allah knows best and Astagfirullah if I am wrong.

        Again brothers and sisters, please try and understand why this article was written. It was definitely not written to belittle any gender nor praise one over another. It was simply written for us to take a lesson into how we can become better Muslims and pass these teachings onto the Muslim youth.

        Allah knows best.

        Assalamu alaykum.

    • Hello Andreea, I understand what you mean but us girls have more attractions then guys do. And I mean physically. Due to this matter, we should control ourselves from men who seek interest in you. Especially as a teenager. Plus, in our teens, we don’t exactly know what we want so we should not make a “love” decision. Keep in mind that guys are usually first attracted to us by our assets. And we believe that they love us for who we are. And I’m not saying all men are like this but their really is men who do this. This is why we have to be much more cautious then a male. I hope you understood.

    • dear….lets 4gt abt grls n boys….jst try to listen to what qura’an says….thin article is by allah…sent to us thru Mr.Ibraheem…or whoevr wrote this…v r really lucky to read this article…

  13. omer london

    Well as men are different in nature and stronger then women….so its by nature its means that men need more controlled then women….and yes true, there is one who has to take first step…so its men mostly and its by nature…
    from all species…all male species are beautiful only in humen females are beautiful…

    • ah, men seem to know everything, even what goes inside a woman’s head 🙂 you don’t, i am sorry to break your bubble. yes, it is true that we have less physical power than men. but one woman has more power than all men put together: to create life. and this is what made us a threat to the rule of men, and this is why we are demonized. this isn’t just islam that makes me angry 🙁 all religions do the same: women are evil. it started with the christian church and it still goes on. our religion is beautiful. but as i always say: humans, men and women alike, take by the rules of thei societies and forget what the religion ascribed. well. if anybody thinks i am wrong, i will quote the Qur’an: go and learn about our history, specially the religios one. yo will see i am right.

      • miss Andreea ,
        i have read all your comments , and i think you are mentally sick , i think some boy or ( boys ) have done something with you and you are blaming all men ? i don’t think you are muslim too so please stop saying these s…..s and scare from Allah’s torture

  14. Asalamwaliakum brothers and sisters. In my humble opinion I believe the best thing to do is get our children married at an earlier age. Often times we are so caught up with our cultures that we forget what Rasulullah (SAW) told us, that young people should get married so they can avoid the temptation of haram relationships. Today we often here, “Oh son how can you think of marriage, you don’t have your master’s degree, six figure salary, or a house how can you get married?” Rasulullah (SAW) said these things dont matter, what should matter is maturity and iman. Parents as a young person I must warn about the dangers of delaying marriage. The longer you let that coal burn the hotter it will get. I think the best thing to do is what my friends did. My friends were engaged when the boy was 18 and the girl was 14, so they got to know each other well and they soon fell for each other. At the ages of 21 and 17 their parents got them married, but they had rules.
    1. they would live with their parents until the boy got a good paying stable career and his masters.
    2. they would be allowed to see each other on weekends and holidays
    3. they had to keep their grades up otherwise they would not be able to see or call each other until they got their grades up
    4. no children until they started living together

    This worked out perfectly for them. My friend became more mature and responsible and he became a better student. He was a straight B student before, but after his marriage he became straight A. They both had halal means of controlling their hormones and they developed a deep love for each other. Alhamdulilah they are living together now with two children.

    Inshallah if i said anything good it is from Allah, and if I said something wrong or not of any benefit that is my fault alone.

    • ahm…this is silly, a women at 14 is a girl. you shouldn’t be engaging a girl, nor a 18 years old who’s still a boy. and if you got them married, they should do whatever they feel appropriate. otherwise why marry them at all. then the parents live their children’s life. if this worked for a couple, it doesn’t mean it will work for all. logics.

      • Well it seems that theres a lot of anger about the society in your heart and thats true as well we hve turned into muslim from diffrent religions
        unfortunately some of thoses false believes couldnt be abundand by us for instance a girl should be asked for her intention nd will wether to get married with a person or not but non of us actually ask them nd thats basically not Islam its hindu vulture nd a lot of other stuff but when it comes to the rights of male nd female females hve far more rights than males hve because females r weaker nd Allah made em not our fault nd Islam is the religion of the weak but to make a married life perfactly beautiful the duties r designated nd men are made the head of the family as they hve the tendency to bear nd get off from tensed situation ,stronger heart nd built ,better decesion making capabilities nd stuff like that. In the end jst wana say u commented above that because of this discrimination or watever u dont like religion well ur this kinds of thoughts wont give any harm to Allah or his religion but to urself cuz we all r gonna die may be an hour a day or some years nd we r goin to be raised up again by Allah almighty u can not question Allah one did nd got cast away frm Jannah nd called satin for remaining days of his life nd Allah damned him u know the truth dont u .. I do not consider a person wanting to kill me my biggest enemy but Iblis is our biggest enemy because he wants us to be wid him in the fire of hell(naoozubillah) for he challenged Allah that he will take us away frm Allah’s path nd he is goin very well wid that these kind of thaughts he is putting in ur subconciouse through his army of kafir jinns who obeys him ..PLz recognize him for he is our worst enemy of all time.. may Allah shows us the path of his blessed one’s ..(ameen)

  15. Mashallah. This is a very important topic. Don’t worry about how it is presented(gender difference) better take the message from the presetation. If the author has really written this with an intention to hurt the sisters, then obviously he will be questioned on the day of judgement. But I don’t think he/she did this on purpose. The message was very clear and we have seen some youngsters were happy to understand, the core point. Inshallah lets hope and pray for ourselves and our Muslim friends all over the world, to stay away from such sins.

    • agreed on the point. but it hurts my feelings as a women nevertheless. we are treated unfairly so often. it is outragoues than on this one point where it is obvious who’s sexual needs are stronger, we are still talked about first. read the article again and see what is meant for boys is more like a P.S., like the author just reminded herself or himself there exist men in a sexual relationship also. so, so unjust. i rarely get annoyed for this, i personaly am self-assured and have trust in myself. but i just hate demagogy, from the bottom of my heart. just nice talk, no deeds. ptz!

  16. the nice article it is. so nice so nice. i really like it. its gud knowledge for us and also fr the new generation. we know everything abt this article becaz we are muslims . bt now we cant stop zina and another things. oh my ALLAH raham on us . we want to stop zina . sp pls all youngster to read this article and stop bad things.

  17. Saddam akram

    I am talking to my frend and she is a girl,she is just my frend not my girlfrend,is that right to talk wid her in islam rules?She send me islamic messages also n even i dont see her in my life ,plz give me advice is that haram/halal to share thought with exchanging mesages

    • hello,
      if u want to marry her and if u do like her then is ok then u can talk to her
      but if u don,t want to marry her then is not allowed in islam that you talk to her.

  18. Mohammad Rahman

    I think Andrea needs to learn the positive aspects of this message from sister Sana.This is a universal message. I believe anybody can take a good lesson from it. I admit it may have focused on women more than men but it is undeniably true that men are equally or more responsible in comitting zina than women. Please don’t lose the seriousness of this message. I urge both men and women to take home a lesson for them from this article. No one is perfect and no male is superior than a female or vice versa other than good actions and piety. Prophet Muhammad pbuh said, ” the best thing a believing man could ever have is a faithful woman” so please let all all (both men and women) act towards each other kindly towards each other. I love and respect all the women (Grandmother, mother, sisters, aunts) in my life with all my heart and alhamdulillah i’m a better person because of them.
    peace be unto all my brothers and sisters in faith and family and May God bless this ummah with rock hard faith and honesty.

  19. don’t use lol … instead use soq … smile on quietly. that is what our prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) did when funny incident or happy ones occur . anyway it is not so becoming of a muslim laughing out loudly in public especially. just a little advice from an old lady

  20. Read the articles and keep low…. endless
    commenting and arguing is just a way of Satan to get you all engaged… even our beloved prophet said one who steps out arguments even though he is right there sure is great reward from him… so chill guys… if you feel this article is biased it is and if you think not than it is not… don’t even bother replying to me cuz am not checking it back… don’t wanna get by Satan’s tricks to argue whi my own brothers and sister’s..

  21. asslam….the most activities are going on phones or orally in these relations….boys and girls think that only direct contects of them with each other will be included in zinah….but they forget that to get relaxed by any sense i.e. eyes, ears.tongue.hands and so on….also included in zinah…the most true reality of these relations….would you tell me please…am i right while saying this that this is also zinah….and i require valid references.

  22. @Andrea: This is no place to vent ur stupid anger………u r just being a quarrelsome person……..if u got problem with ur lives, then try to solve it…….instead of blaming this article or the author of article or the people here………This article is for educational purpose………and if u got so much grudge on boys…..try to ride it out……….instead of flamin on the readers of this article………i know this is none of my job…….but when this article is read……..from to bottom……..it shows a single thing…… Andrea the witch excuse me for that but u r just being one……..May Allah blesss u with good knowledge…….

  23. green sea

    ..Assalamualaikum…i am a parent of 3 young adults and i had been young once too .and obviously had had my fair share of young life…i am living in a community where boys and girls are given equal opportunities and almost impossible to prevent free mixing of boys and girls..so the only way is to educate the young ones on the do’s and dont’s…but still the unwanted still occur…but what i noticed that a sure foolproof way is to create an extremely
    strong family bond and love within the family by endlessly practising the sunnahs of Rasullulah (sallahualaihi wassallam),namely
    1)solah in jemaah
    1)having meals in jemaah
    2)travelling on holidays together(in jemaah)
    3)resting together (in jemaah)(once the Prophet lay resting under one blanket with the family of Ali(r.anhu) and Fatimah(ranha) with their 2 sons(r.anhum)
    because these actions bind the hearts.

    Next the virtues of the love and bondage created..is to TRUST them and make doa to Allah that they will always honour the love of family.
    Never ever vent anger to children and alway ever call your children by the dearest names you can think of even they are adults because love knows no age.My children are still my babies no matter what their age are.

    My point boils down to one point in the article above which is INSECURITY…which i feel is the main and only reason and the precursor to all ails.A happy and secure child will needs no others’ love but those in his/her heart…and that should be ALLAH’s and family’s love…but if there’s none in the heart…obviously Shaythan will fill it…WaAllahu’alam

  24. Let’s just take a look at it this way..step-by-step…a woman responds to love..with love…now I’m referring to love of her parents, siblings, friends.
    Islam is itself a religion of peace and love.
    However, our religion teaches us that there are well-defined Boundaries for everything.
    So…when it comes to loving someone, Allah (S.W.T) bestows us with the Icon of love itself.. a Mother…followed by a father, siblings, friends… Pls dont get me wrong…I’m merely trying to explain the Purity of the feeling called love
    When it comes to the opposite sex, Allah S.W.T has destined one person for each one of us…all we need to do is save ourselves from the rest and wait for that one person… sure, there is going to be many options that come your way, that tempt you with dreams of a happy life together (and some of them may even be sincere)….BUT!…… have patience… Know that the One person that Allah S.W.T has chosen Best for You will be THE BEST for YOU…. in the meanwhile…protect yourself….make dua for yourself…seek refuge from falling in the wrong hands….and be Patient…i know all of this is easier said than done… but Do give it a try and your love for that One person will be soo pure and undivided and his for you too…inshaAllah 🙂

  25. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “None but a noble man treats women in an honorable manner, and none but an ignorant treats women disgracefully.” [Tirmidhi]

  26. Aamir Bugti

    Assallam wa alaikum to all my brothers and sisters..this article is simply outstanding..mashALLAH…may almighty ALLAH bless us and make us to follow the right path and avoid all the sins..well as i was passing down and reading comments i realized many things..we muslims quickly get hyper when someone says anything or advice us some good thing to follow..because we think that we are superior from other or we are the only one who is on the right track..”i can’t be wrong, im always right”..complex..we just advice someone but we don’t look ourselves that what we r lacking..how pathetic?? we should see how much sincere and devoted we are to almighty ALLAH..Almighty ALLAH says in the quran that “Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness.-verse 30-Surah Ash-Shura”..so we can’t blame anyone else that he/she is the responsible one..remember we r da responsible one..not the boys/girls..ask from ALLAH to save us from all the sins..we should ask the ALLAH all the time..recite the holy quran daily at least one verse after every prayer..how much of us offer prayer regularly?? hardly 1% i include myself as well..im not criticizing anyone..i said all these thing just to make my imaan my faith more stronger..because when we preaches someone we r the first whom the reactions occurs then only the reacts others…may almighty ALLAH fill our hearts with full of fears..and bless us with his blessings and rewards us heaven..jazakaALLAH..wassallam

  27. ashraf shareef

    Hi sister mariam pls focus on matter what Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) want show us
    don’t take this matter in gender

  28. salam alaykum..i totally agree with green sea, jemaah with all in the family is the way to go. Rasulullah (S.A.W) has left us a legacy of his sunnah and the Qur’an which we shud follow to ensure the righteous path. i am a parent of adult children and teenagers. insya allah i try to instill good Islamic values in them n i pray for Allah to grant them the true path. the western-influenced world around us is the greatest culprit in undermining our efforts to make our youths exemplary Muslim youths n shaitaan is always on the lookout for preys to be his comrades in hellfire therefore beware you young muslims out there!

  29. ABDUL HAKEEM

    @Andrea,i think you bear a lot of grouse on this presentattion,i really would want to know you and understand your point very well before i can say anything.

  30. Well In Islam Zina is a sin, who do it, the parents of their children should guide them and restrict their out going and bad things so that they should know the right path to follow.Rasulullah (S.A.W) has left us a legacy of his sunnah and the Qur’an which we shud follow to ensure the righteous path. i am a parent of adult children and teenagers.

  31. ASSALAMOALIKUM….

    i want to ask tht i m 17 years old nd in a relationship with a boy ……i wanted to ask tht we have planned to get marry after sm years nd we only chat online…..we only talk once becuz we knw this is not good….want to ask is it forbidden in islaam…???

  32. Salam alaikoum. I think that most of these problems can be resolved if parents started marrying their teenage children to avoid zina and sin. Like they used to. We developed into a society where we think that teenagers are too young to get married, but it’s not an accident that our bodies develop at a young age.

  33. Aoa,

    even if u want 2 mary wid her even den ur not allowed 2 tak its wat i think n understans coz first satan will say u tht its ok 2 tak bt no one knows wehen he wl made u cross limita n u dnt knw abt that

  34. Assalamulaikum, i have a qns. Lets say a girl and a guy commit fornication b4 marriage and the guy leaves the gal after touchin her sayin that he dont like her.. Is it even a worser act?

  35. ..what more can i say,i am so happy that a page like this exists and that i am opportuined to read this,i appreciate the fact that people like sabrina&muhammad read and benefit from this page at such their early age,i wish i saw,read from or even just scrolled through a page like this while i was growing up,anyway,i am now 23years and would be getting married next year inshaALLAH,and i talk with my ‘fiance’ almost everyday and there is almost nothing we haven’t or we don’t talk about,the only reason we are waiting till next year is because i want to be a graduate before i get married and probably because my mom is kinda scared of giving me out yet…i am not sure,if its ok that myself and my fiance talk about everything,we don’t see eachother neither for real nor through webcam?

  36. Jazakallah for such good article…. inshallah aftr reading this atlest girls n boys will get on track vid islam…. inshallah…:)

  37. jazakallah for such a good article…. inshallah i hope aftr dis atlest girls n boys vil stay out of such a relationship…..

  38. Sorry 4 repeatin e qns. Can i know, if both a male and a female has commited fornication and the guy leaves the gal after touchin her.. Isit a worser act?

  39. salaam brothers and sisters!
    pls tell me with help of citation and websites, if for example a woman / man had commited adultery , realises his/her mistake, but rest of the world has no idea about it and they want repentence….surely its clear the punishment on earth for adultery (esp if commited while in marriage or with sumone else in marriage), is to be stoned to death…..i’ve read in several places about how forgiving God is, abt His mercy….and how sumtimes God helps in keeping one’s secrets unrevealed. Can there be anyway that such people can perform thauba, refuses to commit the sin again and leads a good religious life?? maybe do additional fasting for God’s sake, additional prayers apart from the compulsary five, help the poor, teach other muslim brothers and sisters thru their own mistakes…..and ofcourse beg for God’s forgiveness? or shud he/she HAVE to come forward and admit to the crime commited and get stoned???

  40. Assalamulekum brother

    I heard a lecture from a sheikh about this subject masterbation (hand practice) and he said it is allowed in case that you might fall in to zina. If you think I have to masterbate or else I am going to commit zina then the sheikh said it is preferable that you do masterbate.

  41. Assalamualeikum.
    i was going through this blog and what i noted is that this article had the most comments. we just talk in an article about the women and bang, they feel as if they are kicked out or abused rather than taking advise from it, they start fighting.
    the point i want to make is that every one is equally responsible for the boy-girl relationship. it’s not an individual, but the society due to which all the evils exist. Firstly, blame the society or the community we live in. we have thrown away the concept of hijab and what we have is a “show off” hijab which applies to both, the men and women. the girls don’t do proper hijab but wearing jeans and a scarf on top of it, and boys, have totally forgotten that they have to grow the beard. secondly, our family, who were least bothered as to what the youth were wearing while moving out of the house. thirdly, ourselves, because we know what is right and what is wrong but still be believe more on ourselves rather than having faith in Allah.

    the problem is interlinked. you moved out of your house without a hijab (both men & women) the guy looks at girls, doesnt lower his gaze, the girl also likes him because he has no beard and moves according to the society but not with the sunnah or the islamic teachings. and TADA!!!!

    the hijab is the best thing for both men and women to overcome the current rising problems of youth as discussed above. men wont bother looking at a girl with proper hijab, and women wont get attracted to the fuzz on a guys face plus as soon as you see a black long coat, you know its a women or you see the fuzz of faces, you know its a man and its easy to lower your gaze. today, untill you do a scan with your eyes, it’s very difficult to find out if it’s a guy or a girl. and this is one of the signs of the qiyamah.

    • “the hijab is the best thing for both men and women to overcome the current rising problems of youth”

      I agree, men should start wearing the hijab.

  42. Sirajo Almustapha

    Subhanallah… Ya Allah protect us from the evil of Shaytaan. Guard our eeman and make us among Your believing servants. Ya Allah! Give us courage to overcome our negative whims and desires. Forgive us our past mistakes and foil the ones we are planning to commit in the future Ya Rabbil Alameen. Strenghten our Eeman and make us among the Forgiven servants on Yaumul Qiyama by establishing us among the Dwellers of Jannah. Ameen Ya Rabb.

  43. assalamalikum …. this article is relly useful…..i wantd to ask you sir is it permissbl for teenagers to select his lifepartner by her own…im 17 yrs old and i met a boy 1 year ago hez 21 yrs old…v both like each other and want to get married soon….his famly membrs are ready to talk to my parents….but i am scared to tell my parents about him as it comes under love marriageand if my parents take me in a wrong way and gets hurted….as such can u please advise me how should i approch my parents in a way that they shuld not get hurted and accpet us….plz reply

  44. This article is not really realistic.

    Plenty of Christians and Jews have relationships and there is no pre-marital sex. If someone doesn’t want to have pre-marital sex they won’t have it. And this includes famous, athletic people, like Tim Tebow who is a virgin despite being a millionaire with a lot of popularity and I’m certain countless offers from young, attractive women.

    Secondly. it really is that simple. If you don’t want to date then you won’t, both sexes have the power to reject advances, but really I have never seen a male pursued by a female into a relationship. If the male does not pursue there just won’t be a relationship at all. It is the males that seek them out, not the way this article indicates it is the females.

    And thirdly, there is a major danger in telling young people to dismiss and forget their desires for the opposite sex, and then waiting a long time. You will find that by the time the waiting period is done, these men and women no longer have any desire for marriage at all, and you are going to just create more problems by forcing it on them. First force them not to, then when you succeed you will try to put the genie back in the lamp so to speak.

    Finally, I agree with one of the above commentators that state modern society is wrong. Marriage is supposed to be at a young age, and in Islam there is no “teenager” or adolescence. There is only child or adult, and an adult is anybody passing puberty. This notion that the a person that passed puberty is too young is a Western notion, and adopting it into Islam is folly. Muslims are guided by Allah himself, they should not be taking guidance from mankind over Allah’s guidance.

    In modern society there is no separation of male and female, so a male that can not interact with females is going to have serious trouble in this world. How will he succeed in school? How will he then get a job, and move up in a career? Maybe the prophet behaved shyly among women, but that will not work for our non-prophet boys.

    Now an admission for my part. Zina was never a real danger for me because I’m very unattractive. So maybe for the attractive boys it is a very difficult issue. For them, definitely marriage as soon as possible. But since I know many non-Muslims, it seems that most boys are really not considered attractive so Zina is very unlikely to occur. Many do not get a girlfriend until their mid or late 20s, I know many in their 30s who are still single, and these are non-Muslims that are actively searching. I suppose they’re all unattractive too, but this is a lot of people, and probably your son is also unattractive too just by the percentages at play. There is no real danger and it’s more of an issue the other way: finding partners for our sons is going to be more difficult than not finding them anybody.

  45. This statement clearly explain about the final result which would lead for a girl or to a boy. Thank alot for the author for this great eyplanation. And i too think in the case of boy -girl relationship, it is the same rule given for the both gender. May Allah Subhanuvathala help both the genders to be protected.

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