Author: Zohra Sarwari
SubhanAllaah this topic alone could be volumes of books. Thousands of pages could be filled on this topic alone because that is how deep the subject matter is. However, today I will only write about 2 of the most common divorce factors that exist inshAllaah.
1. Financial Obligations Not Met. One of the biggest reasons that many people get divorced is that the husband usually is not able to take care of his family financially. Most women do not want to work. They want to stay at home, raise their children and take care of the home. The man who wants to marry her says that is fine, but once they get married, he does not make enough money to take care of the home needs. Many women feel they have been deceived and this leads to fighting which eventually leading to divorce.
How can we overcome this problem and know exactly who you are getting married to? The brother first needs to be honest about his financials to the sister he is asking to marry. He needs to let her know that either they will be living with his family due to him not making much money, or that they will be living to what he can afford. He needs to be honest from the outset.
She needs to understand why she is marrying him. Is it for his deen, money, looks, or status? Once she confirms why she is marrying him, then she needs to sit down with him and talk about their future inshAllaah. She needs to make it known if she wants more from him, so that he can be working on a plan to obtain it inshAllaah. Lastly, she needs to know that our Rizq is given to us by Allaah Subhana wa Ta’ala, so she must make lots of du’aa and know that her husband will not earn a penny more or less than what Allaah has decreed for him. If she is content with whatever he brings home and makes the best of it, Alhamdullilah. If she is not content then she should be working toward helping him to up skill so that he may earn more inshAllaah.
2. Having VERY high Expectations. The second reason many people divorce is that they have very high expectations from one another. This is the fault of the couple themselves. For example, the man says that he has an MBS Degree and will soon be earning $50,000 a year and he will then save up and pay off a home in a few years. He goes on and on with his dreams for her. She gets super excited, and expects all this. The couple gets married and he can’t find a job, they have to live with his parents. They are in debt. Finally, Alhamdullilah he gets a job, but he only gets paid $35,000, and she is not happy with that. She expects $50,000. This amount is sufficient for them to rent an apartment and pay their debts. How can they save for a home? She gets annoyed, and fights with him and yells at him. He is annoyed, and tells her he is doing his best, and he leaves to go to his parents’ home…the drama continues.
How can we overcome this problem? Once again by being honest to one another and the brother explaining things are as they are to the sister, and that inshAllaah with the help of Allaah Subhana wa Ta’ala they will get better. They will live according to their means and make the most of each day inshAllaah.
The sister then needs to think that if she loves Allaah Subhana wa Ta’ala and the Prophet (peace be upon him) more than anything else, and if she made du’aa of istikhara and he is the guy for her, then she will be patient as they go through the tests of life together. That she will be patient and make each day count for what is really important, versus only your high expectations of what he can give you.
There is also an example of the brother here. I remember I met a sister, who mashAllaah was beautiful, slim, had a degree, and very well versed in Qur’aan and the deen. She had a lot going for her via in her deen and dunya mashAllaah. However, she was not the best cook, and not immaculate in her cleaning. He (the brother who was to marry her) was well aware of the package he was getting and he took it. However, after he married her, he expected her to cook all of his favorite meals perfectly as well keep the house immaculate. Mind you they did not have any kids and the house was a small 2 bedroom place.
She thought it was clean, but he did not want to see any dust on it daily. Everything had to be in the correct places, etc. She would cry so much, always asking herself, ‘how come I can never please my husband?’. He would yell at her, and then talk bad about her family raising her, etc. All she wanted to do was keep him happy. So she would try harder. As I heard her story I thought to myself, I am sure he has so many flaws and not the best in everything himself, so why does he want her to be this way.
This is not the correct behavior for anyone. What this means to all of you is to make sure that your future spouse is aware inshAllaah of your strengths and weaknesses. You should discuss this ahead of time, so when the situation does arise you’re not in for a surprise. I remember when I was getting married, I did tell my husband that I was not the best cook, and my specialty was studying and becoming knowledgeable. Alhamdullilah it has been 18 years, and I have become a better cook mashAllaah, but he still cooks better than I do, and Alhamdullilah he has never complained about my cooking.
The brothers need to be very patient and know that the perfect wife only exists in Jannah inshAllaah. They need to remember this hadith, our Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) said:
“A believer must not hate a believing woman (i.e. his wife): if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.”[Muslim #1469]
For the sisters, you need to be very honest and truthful about your strengths and weaknesses, so that he is not in for a surprise. Let him know that you intend to learn his favorite meals inshAllaah, and will do your best with them. You must also tell him to be patient with you, and that inshAllaah with time you will be a great cook.
In conclusion, what each person must remember is why they are even getting married. We get married to keep us away from sin. We get married to find us a partner to be with inshAllaah in this world and the hereafter. We get married to talk to someone all the time and have happy moments with them. We get married to have children, and raise them righteously so that they may make du’aa for us after we have passed away. We get married for many great reasons, but more than anything we get married because it fulfills half our deen. We should remember this at all times, and instead of seeking divorce when trials and tribulations hit us, we should think about how we can make this marriage work Insh’Allah.
…where practice makes perfect
To learn more about Sister Zohra Sarwari, please go to: http://zohrasarwari.com