Am I Marrying the Right Person?

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By Pure Matrimony -

Am I Marrying the Right Person?

This is the question you must ask before marrying someone.
While many factors are used to determine compatibility, you
may be surprised to read that the answer to this question is in
fact mostly based on feelings. Through the process of getting
to know different types of people, you will discover a variety of
personalities and, more importantly, the type of person you are
most comfortable being around. Over time, and with increased
maturity, you will also develop a deeper understanding of your
own personality.

Eventually, you will meet someone you feel compatible with and
want to consider for marriage. You will inevitably ask, “Is this
the right person for me?” As described to us in Quran (24:26)
“…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are
for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say:
for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.”

This verse reminds us that people are matched by
Allah. The following is a description of the feelings necessary to
know that you have found your match.

The right person is someone you feel comfortable opening up
to – someone you can be vulnerable with. The right person
encourages you to make decisions that are right for you. This
may include decisions about a healthy lifestyle and supporting
your efforts to find balance between work and family. You feel
encouraged and supported to grow in all areas of your life
because the person you want to marry is not negative, selfish
or critical. Rather, when you are with this person you feel safe
to share your thoughts and ideas and you feel uplifted by their
support. The right person is someone you have developed a
deep friendship with and you mutually enjoy each other’s
company. Building a marriage on a friendship is important
because love grows out of friendship.

You and the right person for you have similar life goals and
values. This doesn’t mean your goals and values are exactly
the same, but they don’t contradict. You are able to agree on
long term goals that you can attain together. When you are with
the right person, you are able to communicate your feelings
and concerns and you don’t feel that you need to keep them
bottled up inside. When you disagree on something, you are
both able to share and listen to each other’s opinions, then you
both seek to compromise. Conversations with the right person
are interesting and help you grow intellectually. With the right
person you are comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings
on various topics. Couples naturally grow and change
throughout the course of their marriage and this requires an
ability to effectively communicate and resolve concerns as they
come up.

The right person is kind, considerate, and polite to you and the
people around you – and not just to impress you. This person
encourages you to have good relationships with your family and
friends. You both realize marriage is the bringing together of
two families, not becoming an isolated couple. These behaviors
toward your friends and family are a natural reflection of a
person’s true character. Showering you with kindness, but not
extending this to your friends and family, is a sign of
inconsistent character. Character is shown through the actions
that come to us naturally – whenever and to whomever. Both of
you will show your character through what comes naturally
more than anything that will ever be said. The person who is
right for you isn’t rude, childish, arrogant or selfish. Rather,
they are thoughtful and caring of everyone around them, not
only their parents and their boss but the waiter and the clerk. A
marriage is built on the feelings of respect and compassion;
unless these come naturally, whatever behaviors are used to
impress you before marriage will not last the everyday
interactions of a marriage.

Finally, the right person is honest with you and is someone you
can trust. This person is truthful with you about life decisions
and concerns. The person you want to marry does not seek to
control your life but seeks to share a life with you. The right
person trusts you and does not scrutinize you or make you
justify your every move. When you are with the right person,
you will feel safe and accepted for who you are. You feel you
can share your mistakes and work on your weaknesses.

It must be said that anyone who is dishonest or does things
that are against your values is someone you should not marry.
The foundation of a healthy marriage is one that is based on
honesty and trust between two partners.

Establishing compatibility for marriage is based on many
factors and the most obscure – yet most important – are the
feelings we have about the person. There are some people we
instantly “click” with and there are others we find interesting
and want to learn more about. These are the initial feelings, but
as we get to know someone and seek to find compatibility in
values and goals, one must carefully examine their feelings.

Being with the right person is uplifting to our spirit; the
relationship brings us tranquility, as is described in the Qur’an:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates
from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with
them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts):
verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

While no human being is perfect and we should not be looking
for unrealistic qualities, you will know if you have found the
person that is a good match for you. Remember that finding the
right person is only half the challenge – you must first be the
right person that someone would want to marry.

Source: Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine,

17 Comments to Am I Marrying the Right Person?

  1. It’s so true. We should try to be good persons and have a good character so that Allah (SWT) blesses us with the right person, inshaAllah.

  2. MashAllah. i hadnt actually looked for the man i wanted to be my husband. I loved someone else and my parents did not approve of him even tho they didnt give us and them a chance to get to know each other better. Instead my parents forced me to marry anyone else other than him. I had so many proposals come to me and all of them I denied only because I loved someone else and promised to marry him believing that he can be the best husband for me. My parents got tired of me denying every proposal and then when they thought which would unassumingly be the best proposal for me; thats what they thought. They were 2 and both of these men were brothers. I never met them before nor seen them. I treated those 2 proposals just like all the others. Hiding away the pics somewhere where i wont be able to see them because if i did then they would just make me feel like crying. one day my mom kept putting pressure on me to choose some one. I still remember like it was yesterday. i trusted in Allah, i trusted him so much that now I see that when you really need Allah swt, he is actually there to help and listen. After getting married and living with my husband I slowly found out how beautifully we somehow clicked. Our liked and dislikes matched. SubhanAllah. So my point is that when you are “looking for the right person” to marry first have complete trust in Allah. Dont expect to fall in love on the first day. Love develops slowly by talking to each other, spending time getting to know each other better knowing each others likes and dislikes and InshAllah all the pieces will fall in the right place.

  3. Jazakallah khairan for the above article and at sister Ruby for sharing her experiences in the comment.

    But i had one question…
    Getting to know the person in order to know if he/she is the right one before marriage and knowing his likes/dislikes, interests, goals, character with family and friendd will be really difficult to know.
    Because i’m not sure about other cultures, in bengali and perhaps pakistani cultures too, everything or almost everything takes place on the ‘first meeting’ which involves families meeting eachother along with the potential wife and husband. They might have probably 30mins at the most to talk about what they look for in a potential spouse and to find out about his character may not be enough.

    Even after the meeting, probably one week is given to decide if he/she is the right one, then a wedding date is fixed few months later.

    And they could find out more about eachother in the few months or two months before marriage, but what happens when they think they are not the right one?

    If they are not the right one, does it mean their reputation will be tarnished or?

    Jazakallah khairan.

  4. By the way, when i mentioned they are given 30 mins, i meant to include 30 mins or maybe more to discuss things in private (without extended family) with obviously a mahram close by.

  5. It takes two different types of pieces to solve a puzzle. It can work well with two very different ppl if they are human enough to respect and accept eachother. Good article but practically very hard.

  6. Hulaimatu Alghali

    The article about the right person is unique. The verses describes most of my experiences. I pray that my next choice will be the right person that I wouldn’t have to justify my every moves to, even when they are transparent like pure water but understand eachothers wants and need.

  7. ummulkhair

    Assalaamu’alaykum…..this article seems obscured to me, kind of supports courtship, i mean in the western sense and not the khitbah known in shari’ah…..

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