Love which ends in marriage – is it haraam?

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Love which ends in marriage – is it haraam?
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By Pure Matrimony -

Question

Is love that ends in marriage haraam?.

Answer

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits.

No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.

This relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is happening nowadays.

We have mentioned a number of these haraam things in the answer to question no. 84089.

Secondly:

Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.

In another study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior love – was less than 5%.

We can mention the most important causes of this outcome:

1-    Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: “Love is blind”. One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.

2-    The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.

3-    The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

4-    The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called “love” phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.

5-    The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on.

But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, “A small nest is sufficient for us” and “A small morsel is sufficient for us” and “I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive”! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.

For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world!

Thirdly:

The reasons mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based on disobedience to Allaah. Islam can never approve of these sinful relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the just divine punishment, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’aan nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship”

[Ta-Ha 20:124]

A hard and difficult life is the result of disobeying Allaah and turning away from His Revelation.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth”

[al-A’raaf 7:96]

Blessings from Allaah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even non-existent.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

[al-Nahl 16:97]

A good life is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

Allaah indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“Is it then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allaah and His Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allaah guides not the people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)”

[al-Tawbah 9:109]

The one whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and righteous deeds.

May Allaah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

And Allaah knows best.

Source: Islam Q&A

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22 Comments to Love which ends in marriage – is it haraam?

  1. what is the place of a married woman who loves her husband so much but have feelings for another man.even though nothing happen but they talk and about certain things.but after every chat that they do she feels guilty.it is as if they have fornicate.and her major problem is tat her husband his away.he lives in another country.pls help me to help her.

    • salaam sister, Islamically you should avoid interactions with the opposite sex especially if it’s unneeded and since you are starting to have feelings for that man the only solution is to stop talking to him unless you want it to lead to fornication

    • First, give your friend hope that its never too late.
      I am a therapist, please counsel her based on these points:
      1.Sometimes even after marriage, one of the spouses may feel attracted to a member of the opposite sex, this is more common than we think.Chances are more if the spouses live far away from each other or even otherwise.The important thing is to recognize ones own feelings and put an abrupt stop to all such haraam communications.We may have momentary feelings for a person, but to allow it to continue requires effort.
      2.The consequences of such behaviour is most certainly dangerous.-there have been cases in which the other man recorded sweet conversations between them and it went viral. If the lady has children, they understand and perceive things more than we think they do. The Romeo could turn into a monster, trying to black mail her later on, family members may come to know etc . Above everything, it is sinful and can lead directly to jahannam!, which is the worst.
      3.The more you go into it, the more difficult it is to get out.But its never too late.
      4. Now, what is she to do after putting a stop to all communications that is unlawful? Let her communicate more often than before with her husband, even if he is a busy man.even if they call daily, make it a point to send send love filled text messages, emails etc.After marriage sometimes we take things for granted. We think there will be love and trust just like that, magically. No! unless we put conscious efforts, wedded life will be empty.
      5.You said that she loves her husband. Yes, husband and wife in Islam should be great friends, sharing everything. But never let the husband know, even later on about this issue. No man can tolerate it and it might lead to suspicions.
      Once she has done tawba and closed that chapter in her life, In sha Allah things will be fine.[The first step(sbrupt end) is most difficult but infinitely rewarding]. I wish the couple could live together! May Allah make it easier for your friend.

  2. Although I agree with the articles point of view, I do not agree with the studies that the article refers to.
    Firstly, 15000 families (or couples) is not a large study, considering how many marriages, of different cultures and backgrounds exist in the world. Plus, these 15000 couples are NOT all muslim.
    Secondly, most Islamic based websites have this exact same text, COPIED AND PASTED (word by word) on their websites, quoting this Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, however nobody bothers to give him credit and post a link to his research paper. I cannot even find anything about this professor on google. And I cannot even find his research paper in any scholarly journals. So please if you wish to post statistics and quote peoples work, please post a link, or reference the article properly, otherwise the statistics look bogus.

  3. Firstly, our life has all been pre written even before we existed. Whatever happens, Allah always has a good reason behind it. Why wanna blame it on these reasons when life doesn’t turn out like you have planned? Remember, all tht you have planned for yourself, Allah always has a better plan. So be it. Tawakkal. Leave it all to Him.

  4. but it is allah that put love in our heart.
    what if the relationship stops because there is no guarantee of marriage but the love increases everytime we think of each other even without communicating. how to help ourself when the love never stop adding?

    • Dear sister,

      I understand what your saying and I agree with you, that once you stop talking it seems as if the love is increasing.

      But think of it like this, may be you stopped talking on bad terms and yet it seems as if you miss them more? why? Its shaitaan who makes you feel that way.

      The solution? Go back to Allah. Love him more than anyone else. Shaitaan will definitely still bug you. But remember the rope of Allah is stronger and the only thing shaitaan runs away from!

      In’Sha’Allah may Allah guide us all along the Sirat al mustaqeem!

  5. assalamualaikum,
    i have this question in my mind abt love and marriage..i met my husband three years back while talking on facebook nd v were too young to understand whts right and wrong islamically just seventeen and nineteen..bt just after few months of talking alhamdulillaha through some source v got to knw tht talking wth a non mahram is haraam in islam nd is prohibited..although v never met wth each other as v lived in diffrent countries,enemy countries..bt in heart v already developed tht deep love for each other nd after v realised tht our relationship is haraam v decided to do something abt it as v knew that there is no success wth anythng tht is prohibited by allah pak..bt then it was difficult fr us also to control ourselves nd hence just in a week v married each other on internet wth proper islamic procedure mentioning meher nd other aspects..nd alhamdulillaha its been two years to our marriage yet v didnt met bt the time v got married v told our parents nd alhamdulillaha both families accepted each other nd v engaged in there eyes however thy stil dont knw tht v are married in reality nd thy waitng fr the completion of my husbands graduation and job….i wish to know tht is me nd my husband on wrong way?is our this marriage wrong??are v wrong??plss help

    • Pure Matrimony_5

      Salaam ukthi,

      At this point it’s a question of not just whether or not your marriage is haraam, but also a question of the circumstances surrounding your secrecy. Marriage without a wali is considered invalid by the majority of scholars. So the fact that your family has agreed is a good thing and a chance for you to rectify the wrong. It’s important that you do NOT maintain any intimacy or talks in seclusion with the brother while you establish whether or not your marriage is valid. We would advise you at this point to speak to a learned imam who specializes in marriage and explain the circumstances.

      May Allah SWT reward you for not wanting to commit haraam and give you the success in your marriage that you are looking for.

      jzk

  6. …..No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire…..

    But who said a love relationship has to involve all these? cant a man and woman be in love and still avoid physical relationship fearing Allah?
    How can 2 people stop from falling in love? we dont have control over it? – though we can completely control physical relations

  7. I started communicating with a girl and we developed feelings for each other. We used to just see each other at communal gatherings but mostly we used to communicated on the phone. We expressed our feelings to each other and intended to get married. After a few months, we both became inclined towards religion and realized what we were doing was certainly wrong. So we repented, and stopped communicating with each other. Now we don’t communicate but still we have really strong feelings for each other. I intend to talk to my parents about it after my graduation and get married to her. So now that we have repented and do not communicate with each other even though we have strong feelings, will there be anything wrong with the marriage?

    Also, the French sociologist did not survey Muslim couples. There is a big cultural difference here. But I agree a relationship without Allah’s blessings is certainly not something any of us should desire.

    • Pure Matrimony_5

      Salaam akhi,

      It’s a good thing that you have repented and seen the error of your ways. It’s always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to the deen. We would advise you not to wait until you have graduated and speak to your parents before this. Shaytaan is surely going to prey on the fact that you have a strong bond with this sister, and as such it will become difficult for you to keep away from her for a lengthy period of time. It’s much better to be in nikkah so please speak to your parents and ensure you don’t give yourself time to fall back into bad ways.

      May Allah make it easy for you ameen.

  8. I have seen many broken families that were based upon this haraam love. First of all, due to love, the couples do not maintain respect for each other and this is a turning point for many other fights. But I believe it is also the intention of both the persons involved that leads to a happy or sad outcome. if in their love life, they were truly faithful to each other, then it probably works out for them.

    As an example, I will quote my life story. I am happily married since the last 5 years now. me and my partner do have occasional fights but we forgive each other the same day. Our relationship is getting better now as time passes and we have learnt to deal with patience and show respect for each other. We trust each other 100% without a single speck of doubt, since the start, and this trust was gained and is solid from the start.

    Our relationship started in love 5 years before our marriage. My partner wanted to marry me right from the start and she told me that she was in love with me right after our first very formal meeting (after 5-7 days of the first phone call) and that she wanted to marry me in her life. I was taken aback, as if in shock as I was not even ready for this decision in my life. i had satanic reasons for the relationship and did not want to commit. I was only getting to know her at this stage. Moreover, i did not even want to continue any relationship with her as I found her highly unattractive. (she has now turned into one of the most beautiful person that i know – beautiful in face and in heart) I plainly said no but she was not ready to take NO as an answer. She made many attempts over phone calls and I didn’t want to hurt her. Then, I thought to myself, and involved Allah (S.W.T). I had never been involved in a relationship before although I had had many crushes on different girls in my life but never approached any of them. I thought to myself that this is the poor girl’s first love (or infatuation). i thought it better to sacrifice myself for pleasing someone who shows that they dearly love me with all that they have. And I finally made the decision, to say yes, to her love, that I love her as well. But before taking this decision, I told Allah (S.W.T) that I have taken her as a wife as we both consent to it, although it was not in writing and not in front of any witnesses. But I would only continue this relationship by making Allah as our witness that she is my wife and I will formally marry none other but her when circumstances deemed it possible.

    It took 5 years after our marriage finally took place, even though I had moved out to another Country for 3 years. And I never left her alone in any problems in these 5 years.

    Her parents never knew about me and they were also totally against my type of caste. But our marriage was staged to our parents and her brother as being an arranged marriage and the way our marriage took place and the way stones were removed out of our path was not less than a miracle so much so to the extent that we truly believed that it was not without Allah’s help that this marriage took place, the way it did. We had left everything upon Allah (S.W.T) and the way He worked things around was so perfect that we could have never thought about it.

    Allah (S.W.T) did test me during my 3 years abroad as I found a couple of girls attractive in my Uni and work place but I never took any action out of fear of getting involved with someone else. I was sincere with the one I had chosen as my wife.

    Our marriage is successful, Al hamdulillah. But I am totally against love marriages as love marriages start with lust and eventually does end drastically. I believe the success behind our marriage is based upon several things.

    1. Our firmly believing and accepting each other as husband and wife right at the start of our relationship

    2. and Our extreme faithfulness towards each other which was tested on both of us several times during our relationship. We both held fast to our consciousness and to Allah (S.W.T) due to which our trust upon each other was and is as solid as it can get.

    Rest Allah knows best.

  9. This article is very indirect, in the sense that it does not cover many topics. For example, people may experience “love” before marriage due to not practicing Islam, and in turn may seek further knowledge in order to make their current situation “halal” (such as, repenting for their mistake, wanting to stop the haram relationship, turning to marriage)
    Ultimately, this varies, everyone is different and every situation is different.
    I also agree with you Nabia, please post references and cite your statistics.

  10. Good …. the article is pretty straight forward it for those who try to make things confusing because they are doing it or going through the phase and unfortunately do not have the guts to accept it since we are so controlled by our desires. The article does refer to ayas’ from the Holy Quran and that is all that a Muslim should look for and that is all we need. if u have doubts about that then one seriously needs to think it over.

    “But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’aan nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship”

    [Ta-Ha 20:124]

    it clearly says that for those who turn away, is a life of hardship and that is true it only needs a little conscientious to understand.

    It doesnt mean that those who are in love marraiges and made the mistake they will for life be cursed. They should accept the mistake and repent it Allah will make it easier for them.

    After all he is AR-REHMAN AR-RAHEEM.

    and we should always look for his mercy. May Allah guide us and have mercy on us.Ameen

  11. Truth Speaker

    Alsalam Aekom,

    I enjoyed reading the article and as usual such scholars don’t know how to explain to us(General Muslims).

    Anyways, Suppose somebody had a relationship in Harram and they ended doing it on bed. But unfortunately, They didn’t even get married. But this man or woman ended up marrying another person with no relationship before marrying him/her, Would their marriage considered perfect ?

    Let’s say I had a girlfriend and we done all the harram things Then I repent to Allah then I had another one then repent again. But at the End, I marry another girl who is very religious. So based on you, My marriage in this situation is perfect and much better than those who had relationships ended with marriage .

    Finally. I would like to ask the kind scholars/audience their opinions about been in relationship which ended now with marriage and repentance. Would I still have to be in hardship life or how? I think you need to read explanation of the verse again.

    Regards and excuse my English.
    Arabic man.

  12. Assalamwaleikum…i totally agree with most on the above article..i don’t think trying to force oneself to believe that Allah is the one to put love in ur heart for the opposite sex in the first place, is any reasonable excuse.Allah never plans to mislead any of his followers. Put it this way…he tests his followers and most fail miserably…so why blame Allah for your failures? We only bring about miseries onto ourselves because of our own weaknesses and disobedience…unfortunate but true!!

  13. My frnd love a guy whom she nvr met. She gt to knw him thrw her frnds and started chatting. They say they love each othr and wanna marry and its been 3 years they knw each othr. Does this is also considered as haram love ?hw can they correct thmselves

    • assalamu alaikum,

      This relationship is wrong. Zina is not only of the private parts. it can also include, for example, zina of the eyes , hand, tongue etc. and know that when a man and a woman are together alone, shaythan is the third. any kind of a relationship between a non mahram man and a woman is considered haram.
      Its better to put a full stop to their relationship and ask for forgiveness from Allah. I pray that Allah guides your friend.
      And Allah Knows best

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